Is this love ... or is it just confusion?
I've blogged about this before when someone I knew was in or had just got out of an abusive relationship. I think she was still with the guy at the time but I can't really remember now. She's moved on and is with a really nice guy. . They argue at times but it all gets resolved because they both want the relationship to work so in turn they work at it. They just like and love each other a lot too. I think it helps to have interests in common and he's a musician and computer bod and it works out that they've got a lot of shared interests along those lines. Perhaps some people find it the other way round but I go with these two and think that shared interests are good.
She put up a good link about domestic violence which I probably lost when I deleted earlier blogs.
Anyway, what's brought me back to this subject is that I've been reading a forum where there've been a lot of recent threads along the lines oh he's a bastard but I love him. Along those lines? I think that phrase give or take a word or two is repeated in every thread. And there are other threads where the thread starter doesn't actually say that but seems to be living in a relationship that mirrors it. It's a forum where mainly women write so most of the threads there are about women talking about their relationships so all of the threads at the moment on this subject are by women. I know that men can behave in the same way but I do also think that more women do tend to stay for longer times in these kind of relationships before leaving than men.
The words "he's a bastard but I love him" probably leave some people a little on the bewildered side but I also think there're a lot of people out there who've been in relationships with someone they say they love who is abusive or know people who have been.
I'd say if you find yourself saying these words it's worth sitting down and trying to work out what being in love and loving someone means to you. I think that you'll find that love doesn't include someone who's abusive.
What sort of things constitute abuse? Well, being controlling, doing and saying things to you that will sap your self confidence and self worth. Controlling can be by silence or verbally or physically threatening you. Emotional abuse can escalate into physical abuse.
One of the women is living in a relationship where the man she is living with is alternatively very nasty and then treats her well for a while and then goes back to being very nasty again. The nastiness is escalating. I mean this guy is seriously nasty, threatens her, accuses her of things she hasn't done continually, says things to destroy her confidence but she says she's still there because occasionally he's nice to her and for those spaces of time they get on together. He soon reverts back to his other behaviour though.
She thinks of the times he's nice as his real personality. Someone else pointed out that infact it was the other way round and that the cruelty was his real personality because the niceness was just manipulation to make her stay and was infact part of the unpleasantness. It's a known fact that this is one of the tactics abusers use especially in the earlier stages of an abusive relationship while they're still in the process of wearing their intended victim down. They'll spend time being nasty to destroy the other person's self confidence and self worth but they'll also be pleasant on occasions, often extremely so, there'll be apologies, flowers, meals out and then it all suddenly reverts back to abuse again which as time goes on often escalates. It's a well known and reasonably common form of behaviour in abusive relationships especially near the beginning.
This woman says she loves him when he's nice to her though for a lot of the time her life is a living hell because of his abusive behaviour. The pleasant times are short but intense. He knows what he's doing and how to manipulate her. Someone one said to me that they found it quite amazing how similar abusers are and it's true that quite a few do use this form of behaviour as a method of control. Other tactics used, with or without this, are keeping the person away from family and friends, trying to undermine the person's confidence by mockery and putting them down, telling them they're imagining things and are mad. This was very well illustrated in a film called Gaslight many years ago. Well worth a watch I guess. All common tactics used by abusers.
Another one of the women knows how abusive her partner is but still trots out the line "I know he's a bastard but I love him." She talks about how his behaviour affects her but still insists that she loves him and isn't going to leave even though she's so upset by what he does. I expect that she will eventually and start rebuilding her life but in her case I don't think it'll be for quite a few years sadly. The other woman will probably leave sooner.
Actually there was another thread there that I'd forgotten by another woman who knew they were being totally disrespected and abused but was refusing to go.
Again you have to ask what does love mean to you and hope that the being abused isn't part of the answer. If it isn't maybe the person might at least feel some confusion by their initial belief that they love their abuser.
Love and friendship don't include abuse.
I don't know why people stay in these abusive relationships, some of the ones posted about in the last couple of days sound absolutely frightful. I suppose people's confidence gets worn down and with it goes they're feelings of self worth. It's not always people who you'd imagine who end up in relationships like this. Not all bullies look for relationships with people who are essentially timid some will choose people with a lot of confidence and set about trying to find tactics to control and break them.
A lot of people do leave after a few years and set about rebuilding their lives. What made the threads I've been reading in the last few days stay so vividly in my mind were the number of people who were aware of how badly they were being tre.ated but who still chose to stay with the abusive partner and how often they were saying that they loved the person who was abusing them, though the abusive behaviour was upsetting them, as a reason for staying. Abuse isn't love.
And there've been so many of these threads in the last couple of days in the forum I've been reading. The people have got good advice on the whole but I guess it's advice they don't want to hear at the moment. Hopefully what's been said to them will stay in their minds when they do start to seriously think it over. Hopefully posting to the board and asking for advice was the beginning of their way out even if they don't go now. It can take some people a number of tries before they do eventually get out.
She put up a good link about domestic violence which I probably lost when I deleted earlier blogs.
Anyway, what's brought me back to this subject is that I've been reading a forum where there've been a lot of recent threads along the lines oh he's a bastard but I love him. Along those lines? I think that phrase give or take a word or two is repeated in every thread. And there are other threads where the thread starter doesn't actually say that but seems to be living in a relationship that mirrors it. It's a forum where mainly women write so most of the threads there are about women talking about their relationships so all of the threads at the moment on this subject are by women. I know that men can behave in the same way but I do also think that more women do tend to stay for longer times in these kind of relationships before leaving than men.
The words "he's a bastard but I love him" probably leave some people a little on the bewildered side but I also think there're a lot of people out there who've been in relationships with someone they say they love who is abusive or know people who have been.
I'd say if you find yourself saying these words it's worth sitting down and trying to work out what being in love and loving someone means to you. I think that you'll find that love doesn't include someone who's abusive.
What sort of things constitute abuse? Well, being controlling, doing and saying things to you that will sap your self confidence and self worth. Controlling can be by silence or verbally or physically threatening you. Emotional abuse can escalate into physical abuse.
One of the women is living in a relationship where the man she is living with is alternatively very nasty and then treats her well for a while and then goes back to being very nasty again. The nastiness is escalating. I mean this guy is seriously nasty, threatens her, accuses her of things she hasn't done continually, says things to destroy her confidence but she says she's still there because occasionally he's nice to her and for those spaces of time they get on together. He soon reverts back to his other behaviour though.
She thinks of the times he's nice as his real personality. Someone else pointed out that infact it was the other way round and that the cruelty was his real personality because the niceness was just manipulation to make her stay and was infact part of the unpleasantness. It's a known fact that this is one of the tactics abusers use especially in the earlier stages of an abusive relationship while they're still in the process of wearing their intended victim down. They'll spend time being nasty to destroy the other person's self confidence and self worth but they'll also be pleasant on occasions, often extremely so, there'll be apologies, flowers, meals out and then it all suddenly reverts back to abuse again which as time goes on often escalates. It's a well known and reasonably common form of behaviour in abusive relationships especially near the beginning.
This woman says she loves him when he's nice to her though for a lot of the time her life is a living hell because of his abusive behaviour. The pleasant times are short but intense. He knows what he's doing and how to manipulate her. Someone one said to me that they found it quite amazing how similar abusers are and it's true that quite a few do use this form of behaviour as a method of control. Other tactics used, with or without this, are keeping the person away from family and friends, trying to undermine the person's confidence by mockery and putting them down, telling them they're imagining things and are mad. This was very well illustrated in a film called Gaslight many years ago. Well worth a watch I guess. All common tactics used by abusers.
Another one of the women knows how abusive her partner is but still trots out the line "I know he's a bastard but I love him." She talks about how his behaviour affects her but still insists that she loves him and isn't going to leave even though she's so upset by what he does. I expect that she will eventually and start rebuilding her life but in her case I don't think it'll be for quite a few years sadly. The other woman will probably leave sooner.
Actually there was another thread there that I'd forgotten by another woman who knew they were being totally disrespected and abused but was refusing to go.
Again you have to ask what does love mean to you and hope that the being abused isn't part of the answer. If it isn't maybe the person might at least feel some confusion by their initial belief that they love their abuser.
Love and friendship don't include abuse.
I don't know why people stay in these abusive relationships, some of the ones posted about in the last couple of days sound absolutely frightful. I suppose people's confidence gets worn down and with it goes they're feelings of self worth. It's not always people who you'd imagine who end up in relationships like this. Not all bullies look for relationships with people who are essentially timid some will choose people with a lot of confidence and set about trying to find tactics to control and break them.
A lot of people do leave after a few years and set about rebuilding their lives. What made the threads I've been reading in the last few days stay so vividly in my mind were the number of people who were aware of how badly they were being tre.ated but who still chose to stay with the abusive partner and how often they were saying that they loved the person who was abusing them, though the abusive behaviour was upsetting them, as a reason for staying. Abuse isn't love.
And there've been so many of these threads in the last couple of days in the forum I've been reading. The people have got good advice on the whole but I guess it's advice they don't want to hear at the moment. Hopefully what's been said to them will stay in their minds when they do start to seriously think it over. Hopefully posting to the board and asking for advice was the beginning of their way out even if they don't go now. It can take some people a number of tries before they do eventually get out.
posted by Zeb at 7:01 PM
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