Hmmmmmmm

If I go to see Gordon Smith that means I should be planning on leaving here at the beginning of September .. things being reasonably ok. That would be about what I had in mind anyway as long as things don't get too bad again. I had said earlier but it wasn't to be. End of August/beginning of September sounds a more realistic date.

I would quite like to see him .. but I can write to him anyway.

It's an interesting place to be in having some knowledge and knowing things like that can happen. I would like to write or talk to him. But, on the other hand, I don't need to.

I'm aware, by dates, that this only happened to me cause I was here looking after mum and then developed this condition .. or, that it happened all around that anyway .. all, I can say is thankyou. I suppose there was no way of stopping either my mum's illnesses or mine. Both were and are pretty awful in the scale of illnesses.

Mine could have been the result of being outside in the sun quite a bit .. there was a time when I had a problem with sunblock cause of the ingredients .. though eventually found an American one that was ok. The EU sorted the problem out in the end .. well, it was pointless having sunblocks that had ingredients in them that so many people were allergic to.

I wanted to contact Arthur Koestler's society. I had my reasons for not doing so before and it looks like I've left it too late now I didn't want to because of the kind of man he was.. but, let's face it he's not here now and I could have shared information with them. It's meeting other people who are honest and sincere that makes the difference. I don't see why the people there shouldn't have been.

You'd hope that people who do believe would be honest and sincere because it appears that is quite a big thing in all this. But .. I realise that not everyone who appears to believe on the surface actually does. I have another book to read which should be quite illuminating on that point.

I disagree with Mr Smith on a few things .. those where he's drawing conclusions from his experiences. I haven't started discussing interpretation with people yet. I'd like to talk to lots more people too .. there is obviously a lorra love .. but there is also meaning attached to how we behave here.

I'm right on the edge, even with so many experiences, I'm a novice in all this. I've forgotten some of them ... lol ... serves me right fer not writting them down .. but I've remembered quite a few. Thanks to to the lovely people who've thought I'm ok to open up to .. I've kept things to meself when and where I've felt it right to .. completely in some cases. I've told everything .. that I've remembered .. at least to a couple of other people.

There's plenty out there anyway. I share things like that with the people I meet who I feel ok with .. and discuss it with them .. think I'm going to start broadening the discussions though and see what they think it all means.

I am sure we're judged in some way or other ... well, so is Mr Smith .. maybe I don't quite understand what he's saying though. I know he thinks there is judgement but I interpret it differently to him ... I think.

It's still quite daunting in some ways .. people who've had NDE's generally feel ok about this side of things .. not always .. and most have their outlook on life changed by them. I know someone who's had one recently .. he died for a couple of minutes and remembered what had happened. He's a much more confident and happy person for the experience.