Saturday, October 29, 2005

Silence

I've been ill for a while and have really been quite involved with that. But, it's not really the reason I've been quiet though obviously being feverish affects how you're thinking quite a lot. I'd been a bit depressed in a way that isn't usual for me. I don't suffer from depression these days really. I don't suffer from what most people seem to term depression anyway, my mood tends not to become debilitating. The depression I've been experiencing seemed to be a part of the bad cold I had. Possibly due to the fact that I seem to have had a few mild seizures. Coming out of that now with surprizingly few problems which should resolve themselves. Seem to have more interest in parts of my life too.

I guess I've been in kind of mental stun though. First with global warming, then following the emergence of the new strain of bird flu through the information that's been published, and then finding out that if this winter is very cold our government,unlike some other European countries, hasn't prepared for the possibility of this happening which means that the country might have serious problems.

The first two problems made worse because of the lack of global unity and co operation. It's mentioned over and over again that both need a world input. But I've been over that over and over again in the first incarnation of this blog (gone but saved).

Wonders what the point of it all is.

I know as far as the newish strain of bird flu goes that the future is a question mark. Very dangerous as it is at the moment but not transmittable as easily as the yearly flu and assorted colds because it appears to be usually transmitted between birds and people,rather than casually between person and person. But if it does mutate through mixing with a casual flu virus it will then be spread easily. It could be very dangerous indeed. I suppose the hope is that the virus will burn itself out to some degree at least before that happens and become less lethal. But plans should be made for thepossibility that this isn't what will happen.

Apparently there are two vaccines that are being evolved that look as if they might give some protection, that even as they are might give the body some protection against a combined virus,though not the targetted protection of a specific designed flu vaccine. The problem is that the production of flu vaccine is a manual task. Immediately thinks world input.

There are two anti viral drugs that could give some protection, both I believe work in the same way by stopping viruses invading cells in the body. Only one is being considered as a protection I believe even though I read that the other one might be more potent. The reason for this is that it's in an inhaler which might make it harder to administer to some people. Or that's what some politician or other has said. Can't remember who it was.


The WHO (World Health Organization) has increased it's "flu staff" - from 5 to 12 personnel. Surely there should be some central organization that is seriously keeping track of what's happening in all ways on it's own premises. The WHO is already there so you'd think that it would be them. They have 12 people looking into it. That's not the kind of input you'd expect is it.

Love and Stockholm syndrome - The Mystery of Loving an Abuser (nabbed from Handbag)

An interesting read


http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=469


especially after reading this (also from the bag)


Warning Signs That You're Dating A Loser


http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=157

Sorting blogs out

Just sorting blogs out so that they go back to the way I'd planned 'em.

Care 2 and Amnesty

Posted about the one click sites on my other blog after waking up in the early hours and finding myself thinking about them.

Care 2 linked to Amnesty International on one of its pages

http://stopviolence.care2.com



I guess most people that know me realise that I have a lot of respect for Amnesty International. I'm glad that things have moved on with them and that they cover more issues these days. I can remember some of the problems when they did expand their interests. Not pretty at the time having to witness some people's bigotry and hatred. Not from Amnesty itself I have to add. Yeah, I have a lot of respect for Amnesty International because they focus on things that need to be kept in our minds and make an effort to do something about it.

Haven't always agreed with some of their advertising but have infinite respect for the organisation.


Amnesty International

http://www.amnesty.org


Amnesty International UK

http://www.amnesty.org.uk

Free donation sites

Click for free to donate on The Hunger Site, Breast Cancer Site, Child Health Site and others here.

http://thehungersite.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/CTDSites


Also, to donate for free with community projects

http://www.care2.com


And Dutch site where you can click to help street children in Columbia

(click where it says Doneer gratis voor straatkinderen Columbia)

http://www.straatkind.nl

Friday, October 14, 2005

Wild Mountain Thyme

I'm still swollen and my muscles are stiff. I played Judy Collin's Wild Mountain Thyme last night and tried to sing with it. It was one of the first songs I learnt to play and sing from a record, though I learnt it from Joan Baez's "Farewell Angelina" Hadn't heard Judy Collin's version before, found it very different and would normally find it harder to sing than Joan Baez's version. My voice doesn't sound that much like Joan Baez but I can harmonize in. Last night though with Judy Collins I couldn't sing in tune because of the condition of my muscles,nor could I change the depth of the notes as I was singing. It sounded rigid and rather stuck.

Hearing the song again was quite emotional as I hadn't heard any version of it for years. The rigidity of my voice plus going back through time through hearing the song again must have set something off in my mind. I'd had to realise a little while ago that not all my emotional walls are down by a long way.I'm much better than I was but I'd reached another stage where I'd realised that my past was affecting my emotions and how far I can let my barriers down.

It's to do with my family. The other things can be hidden in my mind, I have almost complete control over recall, no flashbacks at all and see them from a third person view. An eye witness even though I know that I was part of it and in what way,I still look back as an observer. Though, in contrast, when I see similar things happening though the news I can understand and feel what has happened from my own experiences. Put myself in their place because I've been in something so similar.Obviously they are their own person but I've been in situations much the same. There is a lot of knowledge that I wouldn't have if I hadn't.

But the family is different. It's where I should've been able to feel safe but my birth family was extremely disfunctional and it was a place of sadness and fear. The therapy I went into for some of my worldly experiences actually went into family issues because I found them more traumatic and couldn't file and hide them in the same way I could the others. Infact I would go into therapy as a matter of course and after a couple of sessions it would become entrenched in my family issues but it was never really sorted out because I wouldn't go far enough into it all to touch the complete reality. The therapists used to say they didn't know how I'd coped. They didn't know the whole story. I realise that neither did I. It's having coped with that which has protected me in the rest of my life.Coping stratagies have been built as I've gone along.

In the last year I've been through a lot of it by myself, thinking about it and finding out a few things that I didn't know before and I have enough to really start to understand what was going on. What I've done though is to keep my knowledge in separate little bits so that I don't have to confront what had really been going on. I think I wanted to hang on to a couple of illusions. To bring another wall down I have to be realistic and accept the truth rather than lie to myself about it.I have to accept the situation as it was as a whole rather than divide it up into separate pieces.

I have to accept the truth as much as I know of it.

I'd wondered if I should go to a therapist first to see if it was a safe thing to do because of the way I deal with things. I don't want to start a stream of consciousness that would destroy my defences. Thinking about it, I know that I'm going to be ok. If I don't do this then I'm going to keep this wall I've put up. I can do it safely by myself.

There's someone else on the net who comes from a similar background, though without the following life experience. When I was thinking about it last night I realised that I was phrasing the things that were going through my mind in the same way as she often does. I was questioning what had happened and how it was still affecting me. After a while I realised I was thinking the way she expresses herself sometimes. Raising the same questions.

My situation was very complex, involving someone who treated everyone as if they were in a completely different reality, but abusing while incidentally being abused themselves. I have no idea if trauma had brought this on, but I have the feeling through things that were said from time to time that it was down to what would be termed a personality disorder and a lack of care and loving empathy. This person expected someone else in the family to recover from the death of their loved 16 year old daughter in a road accident in about four weeks.

Let's just say that there was a lot of this kind of thing going on in the extended family. I've not been able to bring myself to look at the situation as a whole because I guess I didn't want to have to face up to what it meant.

I have to stop lying to myself. Because as long as I do that wall is going to be up there.I need to face up to the reality of my birth family completely.