The right place

Well, in time I might head for the Koestler Institute. I don't know yet. One of the boards I'm on has given me a bit of comfort anyway because people are talking about their experiences. I know that lots of people have these kind of experiences and now I've had quite a few and others that are similar in that they are esoteric though are a different kind of experience.

Once I wouldn't have taken any notice of these people. Now I know they're telling the truth because I've experienced so much myself.


The other side of me is still objecting, that sceptical scientific side. But I know that it's wrong. I don't know what it all means. There's no way that I could and I think guessing is wrong. Sometimes I get carried away and try to interpret it and sometimes it doesn't really work. Rather the opposite. Not quite everything though. But who knows what the whole thing means.

I believe that the veil between this world and what is the next is very thin but that you can't know what it is. That would sure give the game away wouldn't it. It's strange. Just little things that happen. Not contact as in talking. Just tiny unexpected things that happen but that you have no control over.

It's really interesting talking about these experiences with other people.

Just these strange but really deep things that happen. Things you know have happened but that you have no explanation for.


The board has with one post started me cooking again and through this given me more of a chance of regaining my health. And other help from there has really made a difference.

I really don't know what I'd've done without it.

Same ol' song

Well, I haven't been keeping up with the news over the last few weeks. Infact there's been quite a few days when I haven't read the papers, listened to the news. More that I haven't than I have I guess.

Still I come back to the same old song. The EU isn't meeting gas reduction targets. Not really a surprize.

I don't think anyone thinks that it's an easy thing to do. What is annoying here is the lack of information out there for most people. The government certainly hasn't made an effort to tell it how it is. The only thing I've seen that has gone towards to explaining the situation in a kind of pull out and keep for future reference is The Independent's series of little magazines and map about things that can reduce power consumption in everyday life and explaining how the planet and the systems that keep the eco systems stable are being destroyed. The scientific magazines on sale here cover it too but how many people read them.

There's nothing that can be considered a major effort by the government.

Personally I don't think it's going to be very long before the issue is unavoidable and then I expect the population to take more notice. Just watching what is happening makes me think that the reality of the situation is going to become apparent in everyday life in the not so distant future and then maybe people will want to devote some time to trying to find ways to improve the future.

I know how important is to try and keep the economy bouyant for a lot of reasons. That means trying to keep industry going while reducing pollution. There was an article in American Scientist or Scientific American, can't remember which one which described what some US firms were doing off their own backs, without bothering about what their government was doing, to try to make their businesses less polluting. I remember the article saying that the changes were very cost effective too. It said one of the reasons that firms were reluctant to make changes was that they considered that it'd be very expensive. What the companies were doing was actually saving them money in the long run.

The issue should be seriously out there in the public forum. Trouble is I'm not sure if there is a much of a public forum here anymore. Society has become so depoliticised. Once there would have been a structure which would have naturally gone into being interested in these events. People used to sit round and talk these issues out as a natural part of the culture.

It actually became fashionable to more or less sneer at people interested in these kind of issues rather than wanting to be a part of a culture that was interested in designer clothes and the other interests that go along with that kind of culture.

It's not going to change what's happening to the planet.

Health

Still obviously ill but feeling much better than before, though it has to be said there's quite a long way to go before I'm well again.

Have a little free time

Before I depart avec a teddy bear>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So I thought I'd come into blogger and write. Don't feel like sticking my head in a text book really and the papers can wait til later because I'll be off out soon. Thought the topic "Would you trust a man who described himself as a feminist" would do. Pinched off somewhere else naturally.

I've met a number who don't bring back feelings of affection when I think back but I have to say that I've met men who I'd definitely describe as being there for womens rights so could describe themselves as feminists if they wanted to.

Often the men I've known who are feminist don't bother with labels though, they just are. When men come out with sexist crap the guys I know will tell them that they don't do that kind of shit and to can it. Some have been found working in environments where they are working towards global equality.

None of them are saints, me neither (Gasp) but feel that there should be equality and don't like hearing the usual crap that you get to hear. They'll treat women as people rather than class "other" or objects.

I have met a number of extremely misogynistic men who have called themselves feminists. They've usually been involved in socialist politics and their words and actions don't quite match up. Well, rather reverse.

Stop with the power over shit head. Blah di blah ............................


I don't know how many people would actually claim the word feminist these days anyway, however strongly they felt about supporting the issue. It seems to have been warped beyond belief in the backlash. I suppose you just have to reclaim it really.

There are so many types of feminism too. I describe myself as a liberal/socialist feminist, though informed by on lines tests that I'm a radical feminist. Have also found out that my career of choice should've been a military commander .... but there you go!! It appears that it's just conceivably possible that they could be wrong. Or that I just haven't got the hang of these tests yet.

Does little vegan dance out of door and back again.

Have to say that some people weren't totally surprized by the second result but I think it's more to do with the fact that I'm interested in politics and human rights and I can be a good organiser at times.

Does vegan pirouette.

Feminists argue between themselves about what constitutes feminism and this has divided people so much. I believe in Sweden the feminist movement that began there in the 1990s lost a lot of its momentum through division. I didn't agree with a lot of the more radical theories that were put forward there.

Some people in feminism would take me to task for some of my views I'm sure. There's one topic that is a deal breaker for a number of people that just isn't for me. I'm sure it works the other way too. But I know how far I'm liberal before I see things cross a line that I'm not willing to support.

I suppose I can really only answer if I would trust men who describe themselves as feminists within my view of feminism and that's in the view that women are people who should have equality within society. I would want to find out where they are coming from before I made up my mind. I've met quite a few that I do and have trusted and haven't regretted it at all.

Where I was reading if I remember correctly, it wasn't a feminist board, there were a number of people who felt that you couldn't trust guys who described themselves as feminist. Some of the guys disagreed within my definition. The thread wound it's way off topic and there was quite a bit of wry humour.

I had to laugh when someone said that the board had once appeared anti feminist because of the women who used to post there and that had changed now. I think most, if not all the women, are still there, and they were so frightening that they used to post threads like where can I find pole dancing lessons. Really scary. One described herself as post feminist and made a point of saying that she believed in full equality for men and women.

I posted there a few times, was actually welcomed and received there very well, but left because of the anti feminist stance shown there by some of the posters. In the main part it really does seem to have changed.

One guy is radically different.

Wonder if he'd describe himself as a feminist.

He's certainly there somewhere along the line.

Health

Well, I don't feel quite as good as I did yesterday. Think I'm feeling quite tired again today. But I didn't take any pain relief yesterday and I'm not going to today either. Well, hopefully. I'm still ill though, but just take things one day at a time.

It's sad

There's so much I could talk about that I'd like to. But I realise I can't here, it has to be kept between friends because of people's unpleasantness.

I've decided to get in touch with the Arthur Koestler Institute anyway. I wasn't keen to start off with but as I can't talk about it generally away from the people I know I will go there. The Institute is interested in synchronicity and coincidence.

It's been really interesting and hopefully the people there will have quite a lot of knowledge.


It will be the best place.

Seems like a good idea

Just wondered if there was anything like this in the UK

Make A Child Smile

http://www.makeachildsmile.org/


Just brilliant

Health?

Well I didn't sleep much last night and felt pretty ropey this morning but as the day's gone on I've started to feel better again. I've felt rather nervous and sad and perhaps a little out of focus with what's going on round me. I spent a lot of the day walking. Walked up to Sainsburys and then round to the large Tescos and then back here. Went back out afterwards too. Didn't take my phone out today. Just woke up not wanting to talk.

Still no real pain, though I always take a painkiller in the morning, just one paracetemol and codeine as it kind of takes the edge off the weird feelings I have from the inflamation. I try not to take many painkillers if possible.Don't like them.

What happened in my brain yesterday has calmed down to some extent and the visualizing what I'm going to draw seems to have gone over to the other side of my brain and the actual physical part of drawing seems centred where I was visualizing yesterday. At least that's how it was earlier on. Just have to see what happens. My mind was also rather keen on bringing up past artwork, mainly people I've drawn. I just feel tired now.

(The manga art book I bought yesterday came from The Works.)


The swelling's going down. Every day is different as I was told it would be. Some of it's not very pleasant but there you go. I felt better yesterday than I do today but I know that more swelling has gone down today.

Amsterdam

In late Spring when I'm feeling better and it's less cold. Yesterday I really couldn't make my mind up if I wanted to go or not but today I decided that I will. Will be there for a couple of weeks. Bought myself a small marzipan bar in Sainsbury's to kind of affirm that I would be there. When I was little marzipan sweets used to be put under my bed to find Dec 6th morning on St Nicholas Day. Well, I decided not to leave this one to marinate in my slippers overnight or even by them and have just eaten it. I know it's a few days early but it's just sort of to say to myself that I really will be there in the late Spring.

When I was little and in the Netherlands we used to go out in the street in the small town I lived in and St Nicholas and his helpers would come and drive through in a sort of sledge throwing out wrapped sweets and small coins for the children to pick up as we followed his sledge on St Nicholas Day.

Feeling quite a bit better

Feeling a lot better though not well. Most of the pain has gone, not that much discomfort either I guess. Still rather puffy and it's still affecting how I think and making me tired but really today has rather surprized me.

It's the right side of my head that's the worst affected. That seemed to be getting back in gear this morning but as the day went on and I got tired it quietened down. I found that side of my head was producing artistic images this morning as it does when I'm drawing. If I'm copying something I often get an image in my mind that influences what I'm drawing. It hasn't been working for sometime but this morning after I'd bought a Manga art book it started producing images again. Though while this was ok overall my mind seemed to be working too quickly.

I went out, took an arabic language book and a European Law book on the train. Looking at the arabic script my mind started producing arty images of what I was reading. My memeory for what I was reading seemed to be better than it had been for a while too.


All I can say is that there is no junk food here at the moment. So that's one good thing. I haven't played the cd I bought yesterday again today. I was going to go with the guided meditation again and then just leave it to play as I did before. Will listen again tomorrow.

Relaxation and music

I woke up yesterday with music playing in my head. It was really relaxing and I just let it play. Hoped the same would happen this morning but it didn't. Anyway I've bought a couple of relaxation cds, one for the body and one for the mind today. Played one of them and found that it really does relax me, felt different from the previous morning, but then I guess New Age music and a guided meditation would have a different effect to the rock music my mind was playing while I was asleep!! I guess it's what I've listened to the most so it's what I get. I actually find rock relaxing, I very rarely play New Age music, used to a few years ago but never really got in to it. The music on the relaxation cd I played was really pleasant though. The cd lasted for 40 minutes. To start with there was a 10 minute guided relaxation, then 10 minutes of pleasant New Age type music, followed by another 10 minute guided relaxation and then finishing up with 10 minutes of different music which again was very nice. I joined in for the first guided meditation and then just listened to the rest while I surfed the net. I felt a bit floaty at times, but that might've been because I'm not that well at the moment and am feeling quite tired. By the time it finished though my mind was quite still and I was relaxed. I hadn't expected it to have such an effect on me.

In fact I really was quite surprized as when I've tried this kind of relaxation before I generally don't feel as if I've relaxed that much. Often I just get restless. I'll try again tomorrow.

The cd's produced by Gaiam and called 10 minutes to relax .... BODY.

I mean different things suit different people and I guess that other people find the cds that I didn't find very relaxing useful and maybe won't find this as good. But still that's the one I've used.

This is where you can find them on the net in the UK. Found their USA page first so they don't just sell here.

http://www.gaiam.co.uk/products.asp?cID=25

Emerging realities

Well, obviously something's changing. Is it just that I'm starting to feel better or am I also starting to feel that I've been going through my mind for long enough. I certainly don't feel well.I'm still swollen up and my muscles still feel taut and uncomfortable. I can't concentrate as well as I could, though it's much better, so my health hasn't returned to normal yet. I doubt if the concentration will be back until all the swelling has gone down, but it's a lot better and probably very good considering how I feel.

Waits for poor swollen tummy to go down. But at least most of the pain has gone.

I will remember the last few weeks for the rest of my life. I might possibly be more wary and cynical than I was a few weeks ago,or at least in a very different way, but I've changed in other ways too. I think the way my brain works has changed possibly because of the things I've been thinking about. Well, it would wouldn't it. What's been going on has been pretty deep and I'm sure extra neuron connections have been made as happens when you start using the brain in new ways.


Perhaps I'm getting better too because I'm listening to Radio Netherlands's Nuremberg - Law On Trial and finding it interesting rather than having to put a lot of effort into concentrating on it. For the last few weeks music has been what's got me through but this evening I'm happy to listen to other things.

Later on this evening I'm returning to my Dutch.

Misunderstanding

I've just read through three of the papers going through the usual acccounts of world violence, politics and now reports about the global ecological situation. Most I just read and think about and evaluate as I'm reading, though not as much as usual because I'm still tired and whoozy from being ill. One column though brought me up fast, a critque of the Netherlands again from someone who obviously has no idea of the sensitivities there at the moment. Cold and harsh and to some extent, sneering. It's always been my third paper of choice and apart from a few articles I've generally been quite disappointed. This as it displayed such a total lack of empathy just spun me round completely. Be different if I actually liked the paper I suppose.


Anyway, I'm still whoozy, read the papers, but just leafed through Rolling Stone's section on climate change. Will be back to read it later. The last couple of weeks have been spent away from things like that as my concentration has been so bad. For me it's just been a rather unpleasant but remote bit of knowledge while more personal things have been going through my mind. Think that state of affairs is coming to an end though. My body's still in an early stage of recovery really and it's been through a lot. There's been a lot of pain and at times I've wondered just how I was going to come out of it,if at all. Inside I just felt raw after another bug tenderised what had already been damaged. Luckily the last bug left my spine alone. My spine's just uncomfortable at times now and some of that might be due to muscle tenderness rather than just a painful spine.


I realise that the experience has had quite some effect on me. Going over things and evaluating them. Still some time to go before I can even begin to call myself well. It looks as if I haven't been damaged permanently, and even with the way my spine,neck and head were affected that I'm going to be ok. Think I'm very lucky. Infact I know I am.

labelling

I don't like labelling myself anymore. "Whatever" seems a good way to go I guess. and that's how I'm leaving it. An explanation would run pages but I do understand myself quite well now. If I had to categorise myself in the terms that are out there I suppose I come under the label "queer" when it was coined to cover people that couldn't ID as straight but weren't happy with other confining IDs either.

And I guess that's why I carry on

I've had this conversation with myself and sometimes with other people many times. Many more times with myself though. It comes up everytime I get tired of fighting and become weary with it all. I think to myself "Why bother". There are a few reasons. One is that every so often I get some kind of burnout. It's not empathy burnout or anything like that,it's just that it goes on and on with no end and I get tired. The other reason is sometimes I think when I'm out there trying to help some cause or other ... look half these people hate me or see me as some kind of second class citizen. I'm gay, or well, whatever and I'm a woman. Why should I help. You know half these people don't see me as any kind of equal at all, and some will see me as worse than that for no reason other than their own power crazed bigotry. I have to take that on board.

But then if people didn't stand up to the tide of hatred that's everywhere this world would just turn into something like a concentration camp. And on a moral ground you have to fight against that. And ofcourse you do it for the people who don't hate.

But sometimes I do just get tired. And sometimes I'm aware that what I'm doing to help other people certainly wouldn't be returned to me because of people's powercrazed hating bigotry.

But I carry on.

Not everyone's the same and there are some pretty cool people out there.

the Amnesty Report

Sometimes you just wonder where people's heads are, don't you. I have to say that no one I've talked to today would have said that any woman deserved to be raped. And I heard other people I don't know talking about it too, some of the women sounded shocked. Guys were upset.

Who are these freaking people who think that women who flirt should bear the responsibility if they're raped. 34% of the people who answered this survey thought this. I mean where are these people's heads that they'll quite easily blame someone who's been attacked rather than the attacker.


I was trying to think of some other violent crime where the victim would be blamed. Not easy is it.

Apparently more men than women blamed rape victims but women were there too saying that other women were responsible for being attacked.

34% is a lot of people. A lot of people who put the blame on the victim rather than the attacker. Seems years of feminism hasn't managed to stop women being blamed for other people attacking them. The person who attacks is to blame, they can make the decision about they're going to do. And only them.

I don't know the exact breakup of the figures but say that you could break the 34% up as 20% men and 14% women thinking like this. More men did in the survey than women. That's almost a quarter of men out there on the streets. This is the UK in 2005. Ofcourse that leaves 80% who don't think like this going by these results. As I said none of my friends would think anything like this. But it does mean that about a third of the men and women you pass in the street might do.

A third of the population would blame the victim of an attack rather than the attacker. Interesting to see how they'd react if they were asked the same question about male rape or about child abuse. I suspect they'd say that the male victim wasn't too blame, and that as far as the child went that the attacker was certainly to blame and could've stopped him/herself and therefore is totally guilty. And ofcourse they'd be right on both counts. So why would it be different when a woman is the victim.

I was talking the other day about the fact that I'd come up as a radical feminist in a quiz I'd taken and had been surprized. But people seemed to think it was just another way of saying that I am an academic feminist, which I don't agree with either really, well, not in general. But when I read things like this I have to accept that maybe I am and that men and women are really in two different class groups in society (in this society) which I think is the basis of radical feminism as it was first intended to be. I always think of myself somewhere around the liberal/socialist mark as a feminist though.

You know 34% is a lot of people.

I was going to write about men in feminism. I'd seen a thread on another board (not a feminist site) about whether you could trust a man who called himself a feminist. Obviously something close to my heart. Though I don't think a person has to identify with the word feminist and perhaps in this country rather than a couple of other Europeam countries I'd be wary if the word feminist was used. Having said that I've met a lot of men who I'd call feminist and who'll call other men on quite a lot of sexist shit without making any big deal about it. Infact I've met quite a few men who are more aware or who care more than quite a lot of women. Some women are just misogynists when it comes to other women. Anyway that was what I was going to write about but this came up instead and I'm just too tired to write about both.

The thread annoyed me rather. I have met some really misogynistic men who call themselves feminists. I've also met a lot of men who believe in equality across the board who may or may not call themselves feminists.

It also rather resonated with me because I'd just been thinking about cultural differences as regards to flirting so it was all fresh in my mind. I look on as an outsider really because I don't really get it at all. My usual reaction is to just clam up and stare in disbelief. But from what I've seen I can't believe that 34% people really believe that flirting makes a woman responsible for being attacked. I'd imagine most of the rest of the UK finds it hard to believe too without having to have my cultural take on it.

These people seem to have a very strange moral outlook on violence.


I'll put the links up for Amnesty

http://www.amnesty.org.uk/index.shtml


http://www.amnesty.org.uk/news/press/16618.shtml


but they still won't link directly because of how blogger is at the moment.

edited second link

Edited second link in last entry because I'd typed in an extra 's' and because you can't link directly on blogger at the moment wasn't able to test it.

It's really interesting to me after my experiences with dementia to see just how music and dance can help people who have Alzheimers communicate.

Music and Altzheimers

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4448634.stm

http://www.hmpcommunications.com/afa/displayArticle.cfm?articleID=article3884

Those links aren't going to link for now. I'll type them back in later.

I'd left a pile of cds at the nursing home so that everyone could use them. They were mainly popular songs from 1940s Hollywood movies,though there were song sing a long cds and a bit of classical music. They'd been bought for someone who suffered from dementia so I just left them there after she'd died. Some are sing-a-long cds that I thought would be useful in between the times the Old Time song and dance man's visits. The residents in the home would sing and dance and the staff would join in too for the hours the guy was there. It was obvious how much the residents enjoy these visits.

Leaving

Well, I will be leaving here soon but it's not because of the stupid crap that went down here as some people seem to think. I never intended to stay. I was just looking after someone who was ill and it was always just a temporary thing. I've just heard that some people think I'm leaving for other reasons. That's not the case. As I said I was just looking after someone here.

anyway

I did wonder if I was going to die. I've been in quite a bit of pain over the last few days from time to time and I did just wonder. First my spine and when that cleared up, and it has to a great extent, a cold attacked internal organs. My thoughts were fuelled by the knowledge of someone else who'd died in what I felt to be similar circumstances.

Anyway, it seems that I'm getting better ..... again.



I'd said that I wouldn't talk about esoteric things on here again. But I think my mind is starting to internalise that there might be something. Instead of dismissing things as being scientifically unprovable even though I know they've happened, and with the coincidences and synchronicity becoming rather frequent for a while, I think my mind is becoming unable to keep on pushing it all away as possibly not meaning anything at all.

I seem to have gone through the f*ck off universe stage, through the well it could mean something but more than likely doesn't stage into a stage where my mind has internalised all that's happened, well, all it can remember anyway, and thinks that maybe it does mean something but really doesn't know what. Which is probably where most people are with things like this. And, I guess, is just the truth.

This time wondering about dying I didn't think much about losing consciousness I was more worried about who might meet me once I'd gone where ever it would be I'd go because there are certain people I really wouldn't feel comfortable about having around to say the least and just wanted to sort that out if possible.


Anyway, I'm ok.

Protests foiled in The Netherlands

Protesters had hoped that they would be able to take revenge for the death of a sparrow earlier this week by knocking down a quarter of the four million or so dominoes set up for a record breaking attempt at a domino slide . A reward was offered if anyone managed to get inside the building where the event was taking place and knock down 1,000,000 or so of the dominoes.

3FM offered a reward.

http://3fm.nl


The trouble had started on Monday when a sparrow flew into the building in Leeuwarden where the attempt to get into the Guiness Book of Records was going to take place. Unfortunately for the sparrow it knocked down 23,000 of the dominoes, only avoiding knocking down the whole lot because of the locks put in to stop the whole thing collapsing.

The organisers were worried that the bird would knock down more of the dominoes and called in someone to shoot it when it was apparently cowering in a corner.

People protested when the news got out and as a result the organisers are screening an apology before the programme is aired.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/4450958.stm


And there might be a prosecution because sparrows are a protected species in The Netherlands.

Dutch men.

Just to make it clear that The Netherlands has it's own psychopaths and misogynists just like any other country. Infact, I think the terminology that went towards identifying psychopathic personality originated in the study of a family of Dutch origin in Suid-Afrika. You might say that there has been a noticeable difference between Dutch culture and from the culture that grew in an oppressed South Africa. This is true, but it's also true that there's a wide range of personalities where ever you go anywhere in the world because people are people. Culture does affect the way we live though, some people rebel against it, some adapt it slightly and some tend to live within it.

In The Netherlands a religious group has just been forbidden to only put forward male candidates for political election. And I remember a very misogynistic front page headline in one of the papers some years ago that was very anti women being out there in the workplace.

But generally speaking cultural differences are noticeable.

Tongue in cheek: subtitled How to find a man in Europe and leave him there.

http://americangirlsareeasy.com/book


Or


http://www2.rnw.nl/rnw/en/features/dutchhorizons/weeklyfeature/men010419.html?view=Standard&version=1

Short radio programme to listen to under the photo of the book.


Obviously all this is a lot of generalization but I've been thinking about cultural differences and the way they affect general outlooks on life.

I don't find the thought of being bought flowers or expensive presents at all romantic. If someone bought me flowers I'd feel it was like a barrier there. And, personally, I'd probably wish that I'd packed a box of chocolates just incase anything like this happened and then would sit and be uncomfortable for the rest of the time I was with the person.

I've never been able to flirt and that's fine with me but again I have found myself totally out of my depth because of it.

I mean cultural differences can vary behaviour a lot. I believe there's one group of people, possibly more than one, who don't consider kissing romantic.

Don't really feel well enough to write much at the moment. But I've been thinking about the way cultural differences affect how people see the world and each other.

Half asleep really I guess

I'm feeling much better but I carried too much back from the supermarket today and the rawness that seemed to have gone this morning is back. I know it's from the pressure of carrying heavy bags for a couple of miles. Starting to feel better again though.

I don't know. I feel so world weary at the moment. Maybe it's just physical tiredness. I really don't know. I haven't read the papers much over the last week or so because I've had so little concentration but today I've part read and part skimmed my way through three of them and there's no surprize at anything I read. It's just like the old news rehashed in a different time and a different place, maybe with a different story line but the gist of its just the same.

Scientific discoveries I take in with a nod of the head. And, on the climate change front, well, it comes as no surprise that the poorer countries at least in theory are going to be the worst affected. But, then even if they weren't physically affected quite to the extent of the richer countries the suffering would be worse. A topic of conversation three or four years ago.

There seems to be the beginnings of interest now. More related protests. There's a climate march in London on Saturday, December 3rd.

http://www.campaigncc.org


Supported by

Friends of the Earth

Greenpeace

The Green Party

and others.


Sadly, regardless of the Kyoto agreement, polluting emissions are rising in this country.



.............................

Thanks

To the people here who supported me through the worst of this horrible illness whether you were just a friendly person in the street or someone I know.

In the wrong place?

Totally possibly. I just feel culturally out of place. I'm not talking about not being in the city at the moment but just being here at all. I suppose it's down to listening to and reading all that I did yesterday, and, ofcourse, yesterday being the 12th.

Being out of the city is part of it maybe. I passed two young black guys as I left New Street yesterday and I wasn't sure if they'd said something as I was passing. I recognised one of them but couldn't place him. I walked past but turned round and went back and caught up with them as they were about to cross the street. One of them said he knew me but couldn't place me either. We couldn't come up with where we knew each other from. I said I'd be leaving here very soon. Both of them clasped my hand as I left. I wonder who they are and when we met before.

I'll see how I feel when I'm back in town.

Well...........

I have that cd now. I like Janis Ian's music generally and I hadn't heard that album.

It also finally got me remembering a song that I'd totally forgotten. Just a song that I'd liked the ambience of but hadn't liked the song itself enough to want to buy. Think when I'd been checking it out a few years ago I could only find it on a Japanese import. I eventually forgot what the song was altogether, totally, and who sang it. I'd thought for a while that it might have been Janis Ian but rather thought that it wasn't. No one could help me find it because I eventually forgot all the lyrics too, just remembered that there was a single with a sort of spacey sound that I liked the effect of but didn't actually like the song itself.

I checked out Janis Ian and Judie Tzuke. Nope. It came back today. It's Judee Sill singing Jesus Was A Cross Maker. There weren't any audio clips on Amazon to listen to. I was told somewhere else you could go but I've forgotten so there you are. No clip.

She was heavily into religious interpretation. Call it gothic or baroque imagery but really it isn't something I could get into and it's what put me off the song.

I'm not like that all the time. I have a soft spot for The Carter Family and people like that. I'm sad that The Earl Scruggs Review's "Gospel Ship" isn't available anymore cause I really used to love that. I can still remember some of the words.

I'm going to take a trip on that ol' gospel ship
I'm going far beyond the sky
I'm going to shout and sing and ring the glory in
When I kiss this world goodbye.

And there was something about "On board there'll be no cops" but I can't remember that bit.

Used to happily sing along with that. Embarressed smilie.

I still remember reading the most chronic review of that album as if the reviewer couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. I loved it though. I think the only song I wasn't sure about was one called "Wreck On the Ol' Highway" or somnething like that.

I liked "Third Rate Romance" too and fortunately that is on their greatest hits album. Unfortunately the other song I really liked "Passing Through" isn't.

The songs were sung by a lot of people. Can't remember who was on the album along with the Earl Scruggs Review. Don't know if Joan Baez or Dylan was. I suspect most of the songs on the Greatest Hits album are from The Earl Scruggs Review Vol 1 which I actually never heard. The album I had was Volume 2. Volume 1 apparently got better reviews.

So much to listen to:

http://www2.rnw.nl/rnw/en/

Vondelstraat

http://www.panoramsterdam.com/panos/stadhkade-vondelstraat.html


It could take a little time to load. Unfortunately the music doesn't play if you don't go through the main pages.




Not all the links link to a clear picture on the site.


Really a shame about the Vondelpark ones.


Vondelpark


http://overtoom.tv/vondelpark.htm


http://majesticmoose.net/photography/vondelpark



Parrot picnic in Vondelpark

http://www.fluffies.org/parrot-diary310.htm


Vondel Park used to be the centre of hippiedom in Europe back in the late 60s/early 70s. A meeting place along with Dam Square. It's different now though at the weekends you'll sometimes find music and people chanting.

Panoramas of Amsterdam

http://www.panoramsterdam.nl


Click on one of the first three picture strips to get to the index page



Then click on the in alphabetical order link or map (the others don't seem to work as well) for moving panoramas of Amsterdam. Some may take a little while to load on dialup.


The music playing on the site is Janis Ian singing Amsterdam from her album Billies Bones.

Belief

Things move on. More has happened in my life to make me believe that this life is stranger than I thought. It's more of the same thing really. It's not the kind of thing you can explain away other than forever talking about coincidences when try as you might you find any other explanation except it's just another one of those coincidences

These aren't ones that can be explained away easily. Coincidences are only coincidences when the cause and effect isn't explainable because of shared knowledge or something like that but is just out of the blue. And for me that isn't enough either. It's just the fact that it's happened a lot.

Not talking about it here though in detail. Though I'm sure it would have helped a lot of people to know

What it's done for me is to make me realise that life does appear to be strange. For the first time I really mean it when I say that I believe that there might be something else going on other than what meets the eye. Don't know what it means, if anything.

Don't even know what I'm writing about really. I think I sometimes wish I was back in the place when things were simpler. I was someone who lived a very factual existance. Tried to find esoteric answers but was left feeling I might have been right all along and the obviously physical world is all there is.

I have no influence on anything but it sometimes feels as if there is occasionally input into my life that isn't quite what I'd expect at times.

I've been playing Meet On the Ledge. I suppose it's a song with slight Buddhist connections I suppose in some ways. Meet on the ledge. We're going to meet on the ledge. If you really mean it it all comes round again.

It's just the result of where my mind has been for a while. Nothing to do with the other things except ofcourse if they mean anything esoteric then they would be connected.

Coming back through

Slowly coming back out of the state of mind I've been in for the last few days. It was caused by a bug and I found myself minus a lot of concentration outwardly. But, at the same time, I was quite clear headed as far as being introspective was concerned. It was somewhere I needed to go too. I couldn't concentrate much on outward things so I spent quite a lot of time looking inward, thinking things through.

I have to admit that one newspaper article in a paper I don't normally read probably pushed me further back into the introspection than I'd normally have gone. Some people will probably be well aware which one it was. It pushed me back into grief, populated by ghosts. I left it be, though I was seething, because I thought it'd been written to push a political point of view. I thought the way it was written was appalling. Using emotive language and imagery to distort a sensitive situation.

It broke my heart.



Normally I would have coped but I was very ill and had already been removed from my usual state by illness. Already whoozy and with little outer concentration I went somewhere away from the present.

Stopped reading the papers. Stopped thinking about present day problems. Went back into the past to think things through.

I'm still ill but I'm back again.

I've just been sorting out really. Know it's going to be quite some time before I'm well again. Today I was looking through all the papers weighing up the differences in how they reported Tony Blair's defeat in the Commons.

Read them all. Tomorrow I'll be going back on the Europa site to get the codecision procedure nailed.

Have you seen that flipping diagram?

I quite enjoy reading European law but this particular bit of it has never been my favourite.

Say no more.

Just resting

Just resting. Time to sit back and let my body sort out getting better. I'm tired but it looks like I'm on the mend. I'm eating reasonably well so that I have what I need to repair the damage of the last few weeks. That's about all I can do. I know quite a bit about what the illness is likely to have done to my body so just see how it heals itself now.

I've leafed through the papers. Didn't read them for a while because of my lack of concentration. Just had a buzzy head and wasn't really evaluating anything I was reading and I was so tired.

Might copy out some of the co decision procedure to get it into my head a bit better later on. Been spending time on the Europa site but just downloading what I want to read as I feel better. Might copy out the diagram (flow chart) I think either as a chart or just written out in steps.

Might watch the Buddhist meditation dvd. It's not long and I've watched some of it before.

Paris

My real interest in the high density estates around Paris began about three years ago. A story emerged about the violence practiced by some of the gangs living on them. It had exploded into the public consciousness after the death of a young woman on one of the estates. This was followed by marches by other men and women who also lived there in protest at what was happening. A film and books followed.

I'm not at all surprized by what is happening at the moment but I'm aware that it is a small minority of the people living there who are responsible for the violence. The protest by some of the people living there about the conditions was as a protest walk not the mindless violence that's taking place at the moment.

Not only do the people who live in these "ghettos" have to cope with the poverty and appalling attitudes from others outside their estates but they've also had to cope with the violence and intimidation where they live.

What has interested me is that now the media is saying that the police are heavy handed there, three years ago to explain the violence they were saying that some of the estates were no go areas with little policing because the people who lived there were more or less ignored.

The riots ofcourse have made the living conditions worse, they have destroyed the livelihoods of some of the people who live on the estates. The fires will also have added to the desolation of the area for the people who live there. I hope not, but from experience I know there is always a chance that other businesses will move away from the immediate vincinity and it will take a time before others move in regardless of how the government might talk about regeneration.

It was eye opening hearing young people talking about their wishes for the future. That what they wanted was acceptance and a chance to go out and get the job they had spent their time at school working for.


To be honest I haven't been following what's been going on this time. I'm ill and my concentration went a week or so ago and I haven't been following the news much. I was aware that it was going on but that was about it. I started reading more again yesterday. Hadn't been following in any medium.

Remembering a young woman (may trigger)

My interest in Human Rights began when I was somewhere between 14 and 15 1/2. I thought it would've been when I was over 16, but thinking back it couldn't possibly have been. I didn't realise at the time that what I'd seen and read would be something that would stay with me for life. It shocked me beyond belief. I knew quite a bit about the Nazis, the war, the occupation and the camps. I'd read some books, seen the usual type of photos, and dreadful as they were they didn't prepare me for this book. I'm not going to go into detail because this isn't the place to do so. But at somewhere around 14 or 15 I read a book that introduced me to the fate of one young woman who was a member of the French Resistance in WW2. I didn't know her name, nothing about her except that she'd been captured by the Nazis and killed. And saw the photo of what they'd done to her.

I sat there wondering who she was and what her life had been like before and during the war. I wondered about her bravery and felt that she'd probably been brave throughout her ordeal with the Nazis.

I expect I could've found out who she was but I didn't. I don't think of her consciously that often but sometimes she comes into my thoughts and I realise that was the probably the most defining incident that contributed to my interest in Human Rights that started a few years later.

Singing mice

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4395664.stm


In 1936


http://time-proxy.yaga.com/time/archive/preview/0,10987,771931,00.html



Or, in my case, the mouse that wouldn't go away.




Quite a few years ago a mouse found it's way into the bedroom and started eating the chocolate and other things that used be left on the bookcase. When those were moved it got into some drawers and found things that had been forgotten about. This mouse sang. If you put music on the mouse would trill along with it and then be quiet when the music stopped.

I searched the web and found there was a species of mouse who was known to sing but that as far as anyone knew they for the most part lived in America. It seemed rather unlikely that one had found it's way into my house so I just thought s/he was a quite amazing house mouse.

Eventually when the constant clearing up got tiring I set a humane trap down baited with chocolate and mousie soon went into it. I took the mouse out and set it free in the back garden. Mistake. Do not release your mice too near to home.

Three days later mousie was back.

S/he would sit on the bookcase after lights out next to the bed. Sing when the music was on and didn't seem too worried about whether there was food there or not.

I tried with the trap again but no luck, mousie wasn't going to go in there again. Phoned a zoo up for advice. After telling me that there were no refuges for mice in the country they suggested I might have a bit of here anya problem catching the mouse if this was the only method I was going to use. I had a very happy, super bright mousie and could only hope that eventually s/he might forget what had happened last time s/he'd gone into the trap. I bought all kinds of goodies that I thought would tempt mousie, but no luck.

Mousie lived in the house for the rest of it's life. There was always a lot of clearing up to do after it but you got used to that and anyway it didn't matter because the little mouse had become a valued member of the household. S/he was rather spoilt really. Sometimes when you'd been out you would come in and find mousie resting on the bed. A variety of food was left out with a little water. Really the little mouse was having quite a good time. And still liked to sing.


Fortunately s/he remained a solo artiste. No mousie choir appeared in the house.



S/he was in the house for about eighteen months. Then one day s/he let me pick her up and I held and patted her. A few days later I came in and was told that mousie had been found dead curled up in a spoon in the cutlery drawer.

S/he was missed a lot.