What are me favourite 10 songs of all time

I'm off to sleep on it now ... lol!!!

Doon the docs.

Anyway, off to bed now. I'm tired. I think I have a bit of internal bleeding. Me breathing hasn't been that good at times today .. though the morphine is keeping most of the pain at bay most of the time .. though not all of it .. even though I'm on huge doses of the stuff now. My pain relief is being treated as if I'm in the later stages of some cancers I think. Well, I think I have more going on than I thought a little while ago.

I know that there is quite a high mortality rate for the auto immune illness .. I've known that from the start .. and, anyway it's been quite obvious just by the nature of the illness and the treatment. I'm down the docs twice a week and at the hospital once being sorted out. Well, three times down the docs this week .. even some of the other patients are starting to talk to me!!! lol!!!

I went to see if I could get a ticket to see Gordon Smith today .. but was too late .. I would love to see him really. Doesn't matter if he doesn't have anything to say to me while he's working .. but I wonder if he would just answer a question or two after he's finished on stage .. or, if I wrote something if he'd answer by letter. Anyway .. I'll call in tomorrow and see if there are any left. I am interested.

I had a bit of trouble walking back from the docs today with me breathing .. never know quite what this means though. I do know that I do have some internal bleeding .. I think it might have got worse though and with this illness it's not a good thing.

Slip, slop, slap everyone, huh. As I've said a few times this illness can be solar influenced and it's really not a nice one to have.

Another report

Oh, well .. another day .. another report. This time saying that adults in the UK are more wary of the kids here than in any other European country. I don't know if wary is the right word in my opinion .. it's just difficult to interact with so many of them because they appear so immature for their ages compared to a lot of previous generations.

I never thought that I'd say anything like this and I've never felt it before and I'm almost 60 now .. I've been fine with the kids all along but now a days they seem so childish in comparison to other generations .. that's the biggest change I can see.

I don't like talking like this because it seems like you're saying that all the kids here are like this .. there are some great kids out there but there are also a lot of very immature ones. As I said I've had no problem with the generations til this one and the difference seems to be this glaring immaturity. Though there are children out there who are quite the opposite .. so some people are getting it right .. maybe they should be listened to.

The report, commisioned by The Children's Society, seems to point to the celebrity culture here as the root of the problem. I still don't quite understand what this celebrity culture is .. I can't quite get my head around being obsessed with other people that you don't know. Is this something to do with not being able to trust their peers and not having adults with them for much time on a personal basis that other reports have pointed to.

These reports are coming out one after another but there are also reports where the kids are saying that they're happy here generally.

The reality is they do have more chances than ever before in history .. there is so much out there to help them .. if they want it. Obviously they have to buckle down and work .. but, that's always been the way of things. School is the gateway to the rest of your life. Not just work but how you see life and your future interests that fill in time like art and reading about things that interest you.

The blame for the state of things here seems to oscillate between the kids and the parents. Woot .. so not having any kids means that this is nothing to do wiv me then. lol!!! So many people I know with kids now say that no way are there kids going to hang out on street corners .. but, what are they going to replace this with .. there was something else that I read today that pointed to the fact that kids don't want to be out so much now .. not like we did .. but, that this is creating another problem and that they're finding it difficult to interact socially with other people.

I thought when I read the part about adults in the UK being more wary of kids here is because it's difficult to interact with a forteen year old who's acting as if they about seven or eight. I know teenagers are teenagers but this latest bunch really do seem different .. on the whole .. there are some who are making it through very nicely .. but that's not the overall impression that I get.

I know that back in my day a lot was hidden. I know a lot about that too as I ran away from home for a while and had to fend for myself .. my teenage years were an eye openner .. but, in retrospet I guess they helped give me the perseverance I have now. But, still, knowing all that and how things were in those times I still think there is something going on that I haven't seen before.

I still don't quite get the celebrity culture. I have noticed that comparing almost everything to something someone in the public eye is doing is getting everywhere .. even magazines like Woman. I really don't get it.

Sunday

Back .. I got there late as usual. I'm going to have to sort out me pills a bit better. I guess just taking a bit extra of the oramorph before I go and then taking the MST when I get back will be the best way round it. I'll have a smaller dose of oramorph later .. the earlier one will take the place of the MST I'm missing while I'm out.

They're both the same drug .. just that the MST is slow release morphine which lasts for twelve hours and the oramorph faster acting and lasts for up to four hours .. I'll just have to work out how much oramorph I need to take to take the place of the MST til I get back to the flat.

I gave my friends the book I'd mentioned just to say thanks fer the lifts. I could see how pleased they were which was nice .. I guess the rise in the cost of living is affecting taking the car on the road quite a bit.

I'm real tired this evening .. so I think I'm going to turn in soon.

Gud night

for me .. the best "new" old band is Ill Wind .. been listening to the station most of the day .. cept when oot doing the shopping and having my mug of hot chocolate on me way to Tesco. Still haven't managed to get out there for an omelette .. but .. one day soon I hope!!!

Ill Wind

http://www.techwebsound.com/playlistdetail.cfm?artist=275

Listening to Spirit again was brilliant too .. they have to be the most overlooked group of that time

http://www.techwebsound.com/playlistdetail.cfm?artist=513

Both groups have their own sites you can get to from the Techicolor Wall of Sound pages.

Well, time fer me to tune out and turn in. Just listening to Strawberry Alarm Clock before going. Wonder why there's no bio up for them or a link to another site.

Ah, here we are:

http://www.strawberryalarmclock.com/

And, now, I really am tuning out and turning in.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

But, wait a minute!! It seems that the website is still being created so let's go to Wikipedia and get some info there as the band have left doing that til last .. guess it's the most creative bit of the site and'll take the longest.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strawberry_Alarm_Clock

Zzzz

Zoink.

Morning

Had a busy day yesterday sorting out me meds after leaving hospital .. just had what was left on the trolley for some of them when I left and it wasn't enough to see me over the weekend. Still, all done .. well, except for getting the increase in oramorph up on the docs' screen .. me doc's on holiday to Tuesday so the other doctor in the practice sorted it out for me til he comes back.

Anyway, up, fed and mediated .. though not meditated.

Fell asleep with the light on yesterday!! Didn't wake up til about seven this morning. Had music on all night cause that was on when I fell asleep. Had been listening to this:

http://www.techwebsound.com/index.cfm

60's psychedelic internet radio complete with ads from the era.

Have to make a move now.

This is just a little one I prepared earlier.

Up quite early this morning .. taken my bone sparing pill .. must remember that I'm taking it on Thursdays now rather than Sunday.

I didn't get to sleep easily last night and kept on almost falling asleep then waking up again. Eventually I just stayed awake for a while and tried again and slept through til this morning. Think I should have gone to sleep a bit earlier. I'd slept lots in hospital .. waking up at night as usual even though I'm on more oramorph now but still sleeping a lot at night and in the day.

I was sad that I missed the meeting but then on the other hand I now know of two more NDEs and one OBE .. though I can't remember much about the OBE as I was feeling too ill to really take much in when we were talking. I think the memory will come back though as a bit more did then when I was thinking about it. Think I'll just leave it and I guess when I'm feeling a bit better it'll just be there. It's all fascinating.

I had been pushing my own experiences away a bit and bordering on the cynical again .. though I couldn't quite make it however hard I seemed to be trying. There are so many people out there who have had experiences like this .. it's just that they usually don't talk about them except within their closest circles. I think I might've heard about more but the woman left the same day I moved next to her and as she was rather shy I didn't want to ask her. It was just that how she was talking made me think that something like that had probably happened in her life.

I have a copy of the latest BJN too which has a supplement on tissue viability in it with quite a bit about manuka honey. That'll be interesting to read. Didn't feel much like reading there. Also found quite a nice health magazine which isn't aimed at medical staff like the BJN. Will read that later too.

Forgot to post this earlier .. dozing .. then food shopping .. then dozing .. then doctors .. then food shopping .. then .. whoops!!! Thought I'd posted it up. Surprized I'd managed to write that much really. I'm very tired though not as tired as I thought I'd be given the extra morphine and my illnesses. I am on huge doses of morphine now .. though have cut back on the ibuprofen because my auto immune illness might be causing more problems when I take it. Ibuprofen can cause tummy problems in some people and obviously with my illness I'm susceptible .. so it's more morphine now and just two ibuprofen a day for the moment. See how that goes.

Other than that been trying to catch up with people .. I thought I'd posted this earlier so that people would know I is ok .. but I was told I hadn't .. and .. well, I must've dozed off. I thought I was on about the maximum dose of morphine but it seems that I can go a bit higher. I think it might have to be more of a cocktail with other drugs soon though. Amitriptyline was suggested a while back as another pain relief tablet that could be added. It controls nerve pain and I do have pain from crushed nerves. I'd said I didn't want to take it as it is an antidepressant too and would prefer to leave it for a later option when the morphine needs more of a boost because my body is so used to it. I am on huge doses of morphine though and it is only because of the amount of pain I'm in that my body can tolerate it. And apparently I shouldn't get addicted to it cause of the amount of pain I have because the body just uses it up as pain relief.

Well, off to bed now and I hope I get to sleep easier than last night.

back

Back from hospital again. Felt much too ill to post when first there and then when I did feel reasonable was moved to Dugdale Ward to get ready for leaving. I'd been on the acute ward before that but left as the pain and sickness became less so that another new arrival could get a bed on the acute ward. They don't have access to the net on Dugdale Ward.

..............

Blogger just had another blimph .. but I know this one and I'm ok with it!!! Well, I agree with what the person on the bag said. I had read part of a reading she did for Russell Brand and thought that anyone could do that as it was such a general reading even without knowing that she must know something about him. I could have done it. lol!!! And I've heard her do something similar now too. I'm not sure that she realises just how general they can be though.

That has nothing to do with the personal side of her autobiography. Some of that is documented through court records. I know people who've had similar things happen and have also found someone on the web who had been through something similar. I'm going to have to go back there. I'd been trying to find something out for someone else .. and did .. well, oodles of suggestions that had worked for other people. You never know do you .. there might be something on the thread that will help her .. it's gonna keep her busy for a while that's for sure!!! Then I started looking around at other threads and links and eventually found myself on this other thread.

I've found a couple of good boards over the last week .. might join, might not .. I'm not going to be able to be a regular poster though .. there are about three I'd like to join. Not the bag .. it's too big. I prefer slightly smaller boards where you can keep up with everything that's going on. I think at least one of the bag's forums should be members only .. or at least where you can't just click on to the site and read it. I think it's a bit too open .. but there you are .. I believe the people who run the site have discussed it and are leaving it as it is. Perhaps it's felt that it's better to have reasonable discussions out there cause there's lots of other stuff to read around the net. The bag's monitored and has a brand name behind it which means they'll be wanting good feedback from the board. I am a member just haven't posted for a long time .. I think my posts are still up there .. though they'll be a long way back.

Blogs .. ancient and modern

Gosh .. I haven't blogged in one since 2006 and the other since 2007!!! I'll change that instead of just using these two. I blog in Blogging Lemuures and A Place In Thyme but I've got Dancing In The Dark With The Stars All Around and Drifting through Space too. Blogging Lemuures used to be separate under another name but I stopped that when Blogger went beta and there was a spot of bother moving that one over as there was with a number of the blogs. I just started a new blog instead of waiting for it to be sorted out.

Me diary has gone .. as I said .. that went a few of weeks ago .. because it wasn't being used anymore. Wish I'd just left it now .. but it saves the temptation of writing in there .. up, fed and medicated .. which was more or less what it had ended up as. Dunno why I deleted it really .. ah, well!!! I was up in the early hours again .. blogging here about it .. should I delete it .. shouldn't I. Can't be bothered to look back now .. but somehow I decided to.

I first went into hospital in the summer of 2006 .. me diary started before that though .. first it was private .. and then friends only .. which meant me friends had to get diaries too to read it. lol!!!! And I've got rid of it. I've lost my live journal because I didn't go back to it for ages and no-one can remember its name. I think it'll've been deleted for being inactive now though. All me other diaries and blogs were just me trying the layouts out to see which ones I liked best rather than writing in them. I really wish I'd saved the whole of my LJ .. I have some of it but not all.

Be careful before you click the delete button if you haven't saved what you've written .. I know lots of people do delete on impulse .. some sites I think have a while where you can retrieve it before it goes completely .. but .. when it's gone .. it's gone. You can save it which is the best way round you losing it .. but, once the blogs gone generally you have to start a new one. I guess me other lemuure one will go eventually because I don't use it but I have it saved.

Not out in time again!!!

Haven't been to the coffee morning either again .. it's difficult to get going in the mornings .. guess I'll have to give that a miss really. Friday didn't happen as the woman who runs the evening couldn't make it. So .. tomorrow evening if I'm feeling well enough.

The last time I went on Wednesday afternoon, well, the Wednesday just gone, the nurse who was with mum when she passed over was there. I've only been on a couple of Wednesdays before and she'd been there once before so I knew she went. I thanked her again and gave her one of Dave's paintings .. well, prints. She'd rung me in the early hours to tell me what was happening. I went over but didn't get there in time. I think mum would have preferred things to happen the way they did. That I was there but arrived after she'd gone. I blogged about how peaceful her passing was ages ago .. but it went in one of the blogs I deleted I think .. can't remember what's in these blogs and what's in the ones I deleted .. guess there's quite a bit of crossover in content. Though this one is the only one I have going now .. except the occasional bit in Blogging Lemuures. Anything else is in private blogs .. and, not mine. Though I've been told about a few more that I might like to comment on .. but these belong to people I don't know and they're public.

Some are on other sites .. I dunno. I don't really have the time because my illness makes me tired.

Another cold

Yesterday I didn't blog after I got up or get in contact with many people cause the pain broke through quite a bit and I was feeling quite queasy for most of the day. It got better towards the evening and I went out and got some shopping. Then .. I woke up and thought that maybe I hadn't put it all away in the fridge but I had. I wonder if that was down to a dream .. couldn't say as I couldn't remember .. as usual. Mum hardly ever remembered her dreams either me brother says so maybe it's genetic. lol!! I'm glad I don't though .. hearing what other people sometimes dream about. The nearest I've come to that is the two times I've had night paralysis .. and that wasn't bad either compared to what I've read about it. No hallucinations or anything that bad .. just not being able to move and the feeling of tightness in my chest. They say to try and blink an eyelid or make a noise in your throat or move a finger to get out of it. Otherwise just try to relax.

What has happened is that you've woken up during REM sleep .. when you're more likely to be dreaming .. I still didn't remember my dreams the two times I experienced it!!! lol!! you'd think ..but never mind,

I've just sneezed .. explains me lack of doing anything much yesterday then .. I've got a bit of a cold .. and I'm not the only one round here by a long way. And again!!! .. but things are holding out well .. me insides are behaving though it's added to the pain and I'm feeling rather queasy. I've taken my cyclizine (anti sickness pill) and hopefully that is helping. I took it about an hour ago .. you should only take these every six hours .. so I can't take another. Sometimes they don't work .. dunno if this is because I've been sick before they have a chance to .. or if sometimes the spasms are so strong they over ride the pills. With my illnesses there in the background there could be other reasons too I guess. The steroids weaken muscles .. as I said before they are very different from the steroids people take to build muscles .. and have totally different side effects .. mood wise as well as physically. Possibly my tummy muscles are weak and this stops the pills having quite such a good effect as if they weren't.

Anyway back to sleep paralysis .. it seems that this can happen when you're sleeping patterns aren't regular .. it's common in people doing shift work. Usually starts early in life .. in the teens and gets less after that .. it's estimated though that between 3% and 5% of people, possibly around three million people in the UK might experience this once or twice a week and that around half of the population will experience it at some time though it'll just be once or twice. It generally happens when you sleep on your back and have disruptive sleep patterns. I guess mine having started so late in life is due to me being woken up by the pain and maybe the amount of pain relief I'm on has slowed me down some when waking. I dunno .. anyway it's only happened twice. Ususally they say that going to bed at the same time will help prevent it .. but, possibly, in my case it mightn't help. But I should try to mae sure that I keep my pill taking to the same times everyday. Can't help it if I oversleep .. but I can try to get myself to bed near enough the same time every night.

No more sneezes!!! And I haven't been sick or retched .. still feel a bit queasy though but there's been no signs of any spasms being set off. I wonder if the medication doesn't work so well if you have a bug too. The pain was bad yesterday at times.

I started writing about something totally different .. then changed my mind .. but, I'll come back to that later.

The peace festival

Me brother and I were talking about the old days here this week. He was very friendly with the people who started the Peace Festival off as I've mentioned before. He still knows a lot of people here and I kinda get to know a bit about life here through him. I've never lived here til I came up to look after mum because they arrived here after I'd left home .. me brother's quite a lot younger than me. He tells me about life back in the day here when the Corn Mother was here and things like that and tells me quite a bit about life now.

Like me he doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs but he did once and will talk about it .. life is much better for him now than it was then .. he says he was self medicating then .. and that's the way it was. I just never liked doing that anyway .. so didn't for the main part. I drank socially into my twenties and then stopped, same with ciggies. And you could be on the alternative scene without doing illegal drugs. I went the Richard Hittleman way and was interested in yoga etc.

We haven't always been close but we chat quite a bit now .. he's quite ill himself so things are limited. I find when the peace festival comes round though that all the old memories come back because this is what I associate him most with here. I've talked about his involvement in the past.

I'll potter down today and have a look round .. it's here today and tomorrow .. maybe get meself another pair of trousers if there's any I like there.
The peace festival is this weekend.

Woot!!

Woot!!! me friend who had a lump on his tongue is ok. He doesn't know what it is cause he was so relieved that he forgot to ask.

I'm quite tired this evening so I'm off to get some sleep. Got me shopping done at Sainsburys, went out in the afternoon though got a lift back which was probably just as well. I'd walked there and maybe walking back as well wouldn't've been such a good idea. And I ate my evening meal.

Now I need some sleep.

Never read it!!!

I never did read the article in Time magazine. There's been plenty more articles in the press following the police guy's speech .. and, I believe there's another associated report just or just about to come out.There was a report, that Labour keep on bringing up, that states, that despite the problems, a lot of kids saying they can't trust their peers etc and so many of them have carried a gun or a knife, that around 90% actually say they're generally happy living here in the UK at the moment. This is with one in three of them officially living in what is classed as poverty by the European Union.

No, it doesn't make sense!!!! From that result it also looks as if they're ok with testing at school on the whole as well and it's not putting the strain that was thought it was on them. And not too phased by the other things that UNICEF had mentioned in its report.

If this is the case then behavioural problems have to be looked at from a different view point. Many years ago it was suggested that sports facilities were provided way into the night to keep people off the street which seemed a good idea. It provides an interest and would make a lot of people feel happier about themselves in general. It didn't happen and times have moved on. I think the suggestion suited the time it was made in very well. But, that was over 15 years ago. Times change and society has changed .. as the guy predicted but the outcome might not be quite what he envisaged. Maybe if the sports centres had been built attention might've been focused on them for the night for something to do and it might have had an effect on how society changed over the years.

There are different problems around than there were all those years ago .. back in the 80s.. different lifestyles, attitudes, drugs and the poverty levels are higher now than then using the same measurements. Though there has been a reduction from the highest levels in recent years though in 2004/5 there was a recorded rise. He was right in the way he saw things headed. At least for now .. though what is happening now could have a very long term effect for some kids.

Those that are using illegal drugs and alcohol while their bodies are still developing. This along with other factors could account for the differences expressed by people who met Mr Blair to discuss social problems in their areas. Not just the present moment effect but also that which had been building up over time in an individual.

One of the worries concerns cannabis which affects the right frontal lobes .. this is the part of the brain which, among other things deals with emotions and behaviour. It's been known for sometime that smoking dope can trigger schizophrenia in people who are succeptible .. it is likely that this happened to someone I know who started smoking at 13. The psychiatric hospitals are getting more and more people suffering from cannabis psychosis as patients but even back in the 60s/70s when dope was very much less potent than what's on the market today some people could become ill smoking the stuff. It was said that you had to smoke quite a bit but I'm wondering how much a 13 year old actually had. There is a fear now that smoking it could have an effect on the developing brains of young people, especially on the right frontal lobe. People with certain types of personality disorders often have problems in the right frontal lobe.


The number of kids admitted to hospital with alcohol related conditions has risen more than 20% in the last five years. And children have been treated for cirrhocis, around 20 young people are treated every day for alcohol related problems in the UK.


Just a couple of the problems that could affect the future as well as the present.

Lifestyles have changed and peoples expectations are different too.

I wasn't quite sure what to make of the photos of the empty seats in the Commons when knife crime was being debated. What is sure that attitudes are trickling down to the very, very young about issues and attitudes and, I'm talking about five year olds. Naturally not all five year olds .. everywhere has it's own personality as does everyone. I suppose it's hearing older kids talking.


Anyway it seems that around 90% of kids are thought to be happy with their lives in the UK at the moment. This is based on two surveys .. one by the BBC's Newsround programme where one in ten kids said they were happy with life and a larger one in the governments TellUs2 survey 93% said they were happy with their lives as opposed to feeling unhappy .. a previous survey in 2004 .. the Family and Children study reported 89% of 11 - 15 year olds were generally happy with life in the UK.

Obviously the poverty issue has to be on the agenda and it needs to be found why state schools aren't doing as well as they could etc .. I still give me school shopping coupons away!!! But generally it seems that most kids are relatively happy with things as they are. Perhaps more testing gives them a sense of security as well as nervousness. And the sense of security wins out. We still had the homework and exams .. and, it has been suggested that exams might be a bit easier these days (!!!!????!!!!)

I still think providing people with out of school hour activities has to be the way to go and giving them real life information. I'm surprized at the number of young people who know less about life than we did back in the day. Surprized because of all the information around .. it's everywhere from the library .. through some of the magazines .. to the internet.

cont .....

I was reading up on tetrachromacy last night. I can't remember completely what happened in my room that time .. except that it happened and that I was awake. Well, you couldn't remember colours that you couldn't identify anyway could you!!! I had nothing to compare them too but I could still see them. It wasn't seeing new shades within the range of the primary colours that I'm aware of as far as I can remember .. but something totally different which I couldn't identify but still had the capacity to see.

I hardly ever think about it now .. or the rest of the things that I've experienced or that people have told me about .. don't talk about it much either .. used to discuss it a lot with people I met all over the place and was often told their experiences in return which was cool. Used to talk about it with so many people and was often told their experiences too. Which was cool .. they're all in my memory. I've forgotten a few of mine .. but the more major ones still remain. I've found that I'm just not so phased by it now either .. I just accept it and that means that I accept that life goes on after death.

I wish I'd called Moya back .. she'd changed her number by the time I got round to it .. I think she's probably got a work number now so changed the other one she was using. I do know how to get in contact with her again but will leave it for now. It would've been so much easier if I'd called back when she was still using that number. I did leave it a long time. I don't really want her to go totally from my life .. I know how to contact her now .. though in a round about way .. I suppose I should just get in touch. Not so easy though as when I had her phone number in my hand.

Didn't book to see Mr Smith either. I wasn't sure if I'd still be here and even if I was felt that it was better to leave the seat for someone who might have different reasons for going. Mine would have been mainly curiousity .. along with a little hope that he might've spoken to me. I guess I'd've been disappointed if he hadn't. Anyway .. I didn't get tickets when I had the chance.

I suppose I should speak to people about these things. I guess I was lucky in the people I talked to out and around .. so many had a story or two to tell, ranging from the second world war to the present day, all very interesting. Some had a few to tell, some just one.

The one that surprized me the most .. came from someone I've known a few years, who I know can be a bit of a piss artist at times, who was so serious about what he had to say. I'd had no idea and he took a bit of time to mention it .. rather than right at the beginning when I started talking about these things. He's kinda changed his general attitude a bit now too.

I still feel a bit queasy but not too bad. I think it's just a cold. Ah well .. I'll sneeze eventually.

To sneeze or not to sneeze!!!!

I stayed up too late again last night!! Still slept for a reasonable time but I need eight hours I think!!! Maybe if I'd gone for healing my mind would've been better attuned, huh. I was told that we heal ourselves .. and, that is true. Healing isn't just about physical healing .. as I said before .. if that was the case .. no-one would ever be ill!!! It's about our attitude to what has happened to us too. I've been sent absent healing by quite a few people .. and, I guess, knowing that has helped my attitude. Trouble is I guess it just depends how people react .. if they think that healing means you don't have to do anything yourself then there's going to be a problem.

There was a workshop over the weekend I wish I'd gone to. £10 for about 4 hours .. absolutely astounded me. Just the price shows what good feeling there is. It was about christian archetypes. Oh, well .. maybe it wasn't for me really thinking along those lines. I tend not to go along that route though ofcourse it's everybody's own choice which belief system they choose to follow. And that's fine by me .. "be that it hurt none" .. which I believe comes from the pagan religion Wicca .. which is a good sentiment. I think they say "Do what you will be all the law be that it hurt none" .. or something very similar. It's one of the things that stuck in my mind when I was investigating that side of things.

I was looking at the paintings again last night .. still haven't handed them over .. lol .. they're beautiful. He prints the original paintings off the computer using different colour schemes. They are lovely. I bagged the purple print fer me brother cause he likes purple. I liked the face in the clouds too .. it had a bit of turquoise in it too .. my favourite colours are purple and turquoise. I didn't have a favourite print. The bluebell fields one is nice too .. no faces in clouds in this one. It's beautiful .. and in the original colours it was painted in I should think as is the one of the walk by the river here. I wish I could go down there again but I couldn't at the moment because of the difficulty getting around.

I feel queasy again this morning and have wretched once. I hope I'm going to keep my pills down!! I'll just sit here for a while and hope everything stays down .. it probably means that I have a sneeze coming. I went out again yesterday .. and ate all my meal again .. and got back without too many problems. Soon be heating up fer meself again I reckon!!! I was really ill the time I just got back to the flat before things got really nasty. Well, it's happened twice in the last couple of weeks .. but the first time was the worst. Maybe I should've phoned for an ambulance to be on the safe side .. the pain became really bad but then faded away down again. It's difficult to now what to do.

Still haven't sneezed .. but I reckon there's one waiting to happen .. often is if I've got a bit of a cold .. in the morning when I get up. This time nothing has happened though.

muure music

And then over to jump radio to see what that's all about

http://www.jumpradio.org

And then over to

Back over the years

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvrnYglsXdk


Carrying a few musical memories with it

Music

Slowly starting to listen to music again. Guess it must be listening to Dave singing .. he played a little medley last night .. it was so nice coming round the corner and hearing the singing coming from the building when everyone was singing too.

Just been page hopping really and at the moment I'm here

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=327740773

Restful enough for me at the moment.

Up .........................

Up .. fed .. medicated and partially meditated. Got out yesterday .. though very late as I was trying to sort out the timing of my MST. Don't want it to overlap too much while I'm sorting out incase I start developing a tolerance due to the higher dose for a few hours. There's been a bit of pain break through today again .. some down to a bit of new muscle movement in my foot which is rather on the painfull side .. though better when I'm standing for the main part .. though not all the time. It's not that bad at the moment keeping it in the position it's in.

Anyway .. glad I went .. late there or not. Dave brought prints of his new paintings and I chose some ..I reckonised the little bit of the path by the river though I haven't been there for a long time .. well, anyway I knew where he'd been to paint the picture .. it's very nice. I chose a purple print with clouds with some of the clouds forming a face for my brother. Purple's his favourite colour. I'd been going to give him one of Warwick castle .. but people thought no ..but they hadn't seen the picture .. it's quite atmospheric.

Got a lift back but couldn't stay for healing because they had to leave quickly. I didn't want to walk back really. Went for a meal .. and ate it all .. well, mostly all .. for the first time. I was ok most of the way back to the flat .. just the last couple of minutes were rather difficult .. but no really major problems like before.

Anyway .. glad I went.

...........

Can't get to sleep. I've been dozing a little but can't get to sleep at the moment which is unusual. I don't usually have difficulty getting to sleep .. just wake up during the night for the pain relief.

I went out for a cup of hot chocolate and a meal .. and got back ok. I worried about getting back because of the problems I've had recently with the spasms but I was ok. Got a little breathless and had to stop a few times and there was a bit of pain with the breathing but apart from that things were fine.

I didn't go to the coffee morning this morning .. I would have got there on time .. but I was on the net and someone had a few problems so I stayed talking .. probably a good idea for me too as I was feeling a bit queasy and sneezed so it might not have been such a good idea if I had gone out. Went out to get a few things in later and was fine but might not have been if I'd been up and moving around earlier I guess.

There's pain in my neck and spine .. I guess if my muscles are loosening up there a bit it might explain why I can't sleep. Might try meditation before trying to sleep again.

Walked back from the docs

Yes .. they made my day too!! Snort!!! Tis possibly the truth bar a few!!! Sad but twoo!! Sometimes u just read something that sums something up so well .. and when you do it's best to remember it and go on ur way.

Anyway, I've been wondering what to do .. whether to risk being out and having the pain back at it's worse .. it always seems to happen in the evening or just rest .. I think I'll rest .. I don't really know what to do .. I walked back from the docs having been sorted out again. I'm told me back is doing well and the plasters are working well for someone else too .. the nurse thinks they may kick start the healing process for some people. I didn't think that had a chance of healing either cause of the length of time it'd been there. Both sets of nurses are interested in what the others are doing. I rested in the park on my way back for a while cause I was a bit out of breath but I did walk all the way back.

Yup, it's amazing .. but I am quite tired too. I'm not sure about going out now though cause every time the spasms start it's in the evening. I'd go otherwise .. and, I'm tempted to go even knowing that I could become quite ill again. Best to leave it though. There is tomorrow morning if I get to bed early enough.

Ya never know!!!!

Changes

My breathing is moving a lot more of me than it was yesterday!!! It just goes on and on. Wel it feels like a lot but I guess it isn't really. That's amazing too I guess. Two people I was talking to at the hospital yesterday said about taking a day at a time and that is what I do .. I hardly think of the day before but just see how today is and take it from there. I'd said how amazed I was that I could walk like I can again .. ok .. maybe it's not much but it's a lot different from the time where just getting to the chemist left me breathless anf Waterstones seemed a l...o...n...g way off. I know my doctor was surprised too .. you could see it in his face .. but I have put a lot into trying and have tried regardless of the pain etc. It would have been very easy to give up .. much easier than it has been pushing through day to day.

I hope that I won't have any of the really long spasms now .. the ones that went on for a couple of days .. or at least the pain did. The pain relief was put up the first time again. I don't always take the full dose of pain relief though I've learnt to keep to the full dose of MST .. cutting that down did make things a lot worse but maybe I should make sure that I take all the rest too. The good thing is though that I don't seem to have any withdrawal from the morphine as yet when I do cut it down which means that my pain is using it all up. Morphine works differently with people in pain than people without pain apparently.

The morning after .....

Well, up, fed and medicated!! Meditated last night but not today so far. I will sort that out but this week has been difficult .. I keep on having these spasms though they're not as long lasting as they used to be .. a friend miscarried and lost her babies .. and someone else has left her marriage which could be a good thing .. he'd become very controlling .. we shall see .. someone else has a growth which I hope will be benign but there have been a few so ofcourse people are worried.

For myself I hope that the pain will get less that's my main priority and that my auto immune illness goes into remission .. thought I better add that though in one respect they are tied but not all .. not with the breathing problems etc. I'll support my friend who's lost the babies ... she's in a difficult place right now and not quite sure how to respond to things. People are often lost for words.

I've got to do a bit more tidying up .. rubbish doon the stairs .. not that easy at times but it needs to be sorted and I can do it on me better days.

I know the muscles are releasing a bit .. that's why I can walk further again .. well, down to the docs or back .. I've done it once both ways. Didn't think I'd manage to walk that far again .. there are plenty of stops and it takes a while but I've done it a few times now!!

Me friends think I'm amazingly strong !!!! The way I see it is that it's best to do what I can .. got to bed earlier last night too!!! People I know seem to think that it's best to just get on with things cause moaning just brings you down .. not, ofcourse, that you don't have the odd day, but it's best to try and keep urself occupied and enjoying what you can. Though ofcourse it is quite natural to go through periods of grief at times like this when you're adapting to the loss of the life you had before.

Anyway .. to bed at a reasonable time again tonight. I'll wake up .. but I do get back to sleep quickly on the whole.

Yesterday wasn't really that much of a surprise .. there was just so much going on that you could never really tell what was I guess .. many different facets. I still don't know the underlying issues really. Too complicated to ever work out. You'd just have to surmise a lot. I'd challenge any psychologist!!! What a waste of life though. Not the psychologist's!!! Just the general mess up there was. Still life can be complicated in that way with different peoples personalities and intentions.

Just taken some more pain relief so see how it goes.

Comes back to put the k in taken .. this keyboard has a few duff keys .. much more so than the last one .. k is the worse. Comes back to put the k in k and keyboard. etc, etc.

The future

Going to take my medication and off to bed as soon as possible now and see how much sleep I get. The last week has been strange. I've had had all kinds of problems .. me insides have not been functioning too well and I'm not sure if that's because there's movement in them there muscles. Movement after eating has caused some bad problems at times but things have eased off and the pain has eased up and so I didn't have to go back into hospital. I reckon I'll know in the next few weeks what I'll be doing. I'm just looking into what my illnesses mean in the long run now .. think I can probably travel further without starting to fall to pieces soon .. think my skin is stronger. I want to find out about the spasms and muscular and bone problems. I'm breathing differently tonight than I was yesterday which might mean that some of the spasms were a reaction to my tummy trying to cope with changes too.

I thought for a while that I might have to go back to hospital last night ... considering the pain I was surprised that it did clear up the way it did and I didn't have to call an ambulance. I've had three attacks now since the last hospitalization. Two really bad but the pain just stopped after a while whereas before it would go on and on and on .. the pain would break right through the morphine and other pain relief.

Maybe I should have gone in really. I will discuss it all anyway and try and find out what will possibly happen. Is it a good sign that the pain isn't lasting for so long .. or, are different things happening. It certainly feels better anyway, though, all in all I've been feeling rough.

And, my left foot has been causing breakthrough pain as well ... sometimes!!! What is all that about.

Connections

Was reading about Lord Snowdon in one of the papers .. just read the final part of the serialization. It remined me of an actor who said after his wife had died of a long and nasty illness that all that was left to him now was to live out his final years remembering how nasty he'd been, he was talking about the affairs he'd had, to a lovely woman. I think he might've been diagnosed with a terminal illness by then too. He said his life was hell now. I thought probably not as hellish as hers had been when she found out what he'd been doing.



Not that I thought Snowdon would ever have felt anything along those lines cause he seems a bit of a control freak .. refusing to talk about things etc.

?????????

Well, back from hospital!! Stayed for dinner in the canteen but didn't eat much .. enjoyed the plum pie and custard but the pasta and lentil dish was too spicey. Not to worry though cause I have the Fortesips back here.

Back here has been one of those days too .. discovering someone had lied to me many years ago about something someone else was meant to have felt. He kept on saying that he wasn't lying tonight and that was pretty obvious from what was said which ofcourse had been totally kept from me. It's the fact that she must have known it was the total opposite because of the events that took place that just makes me through my hands in the air. It just makes me wonder. He said you have to realise that she was a very mixed up woman .. I should say so. It leaves you wondering just what was the truth and what wasn't .. though why waste any more time on it all .. that's been done. I suspect the reason was so that we wouldn't swap stories and get to see the differences in what we'd been led to believe separately. But it's just astounding that she'd pull this stuff out of thin air. I thought, because of his political beliefs, that what she said was unlikely, but on the other hand, he might have felt left out on a more personal basis and that might have made him feel like that. I had never said anything about it to him.

Tonight he started telling me about something and I said ... hold on a minute .................................................. Either he was suffering from extreme false memory syndrome (without the hypnosis) or he was telling the truth .. and there was no reason to think he was lying because he was just telling me about something to illustrate something I'd asked about .. something he would've thought wouldn't be personal to me.

Don't know why she did it either cause I'd've thought really that she would've found herself in a much more embarressing place if tonights talk had come up than if she'd just let things be.

Now, ofcourse, I'm left wondering what she was trying to hide. But, I don't think I'll bother to go there. It's all so complicated anyway and way in the past. There are reasons to believe that it's better that all this didn't come out til tonight .. but, in others, it would have been much better if it had I guess.

Um .. what could've been so bad, in her mind, that she hadn't wanted me to know about. I don't think it was the other way round.

Still, it's way, way in the past now

Wednesday

Up, fed and medicated .. though a bit on the tired side. Done the weekly shopping .. both of us were exhausted .. but it's all done.

Zzzzzzzz

Off to try and get some sleep .. didn't feel like sleeping much last night .. though ended up with about five hours which I suppose wasn't too bad really. Certainly changes. For some reason or other I had a very sore left foot last night but it seems to be settling down again now .. noticed mid afternoon that it wasn't so bad again.

Sunday .....

Sunday ... the early morning is difficult .. waiting round for the half hour after taking the bone sparing pill .. but it has to be done. Didn't sleep so well last night .. had broken sleep again .. all in all it added up to about seven hours I guess.

I get to sleep very quickly first thing .. just the pain will wake me up occasionally through the night and the nearer it is to time to get up the harder it is to get back to sleep.


Still .. up and medicated now!!!

Just been looking at some photos over at a picture site .. went over to look at some then stayed for ages looking through the site. Was doing a bit of the same yesterday too .. after pottering over to look at a friends new piccies.

That's it anyway .. think I'm a little shivery today. It's a bit of a cold but I'm not too bad.