Thursday

Just off to get dinner!!!! Been a busy day and've had to take a fair amount of pain relief to get through it. Things still on the move etc. Started off better painwise for a morning than it had been for a few days .. no, delete, delete ... I'm not going to complain. But it deteriorated and the oramorph had to come in to help sort things out.

Done pills and marking off til the last lot of tablets tonight.

Not just teen .....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6962085.stm

But, these days, generally, my body is taking care of the time I sleep. I know that it's best to have a fixed time for sleeping though. And that you need to be in the dark to ensure melatonin production so I'm getting enough sleep and probably going through the right stages of sleep now to produce new cells etc.

The best laid plans .... etc

Went to bed at 10.30 last night ... and then couldn't sleep!!! Maybe it was just as well in a way cause it meant that I took my last dose of paracetamol for the day. I'd left the spacing too late for 10.30. It's best to keep the plateau there rather than keep on having to build it back up again and I'd left out a couple of doses of paracetamol already over the past few days because of timing. The paracetamol works with morphine boosting it's pain relief.

Left a letter for my doctor to tell him that my skin patches are improving. But there are still a lot of problems on the muscle/skeletal side of things.

Anyway, taken the pills for now and marked 'em off .. well, all except the MST which I'm off to get now.

Monday

Well, the pain was very bad at times yesterday but I guess I have to accept this .. it cleared up shortly before I went to bed .. sod's law as they say!!! Was better this morning but there's a lot of pulsating round the ribcage again now as it's trying to move which is painful. Still, soon be time for more pain relief and that'll help. My muscles are looser again and breathing is deeper but getting here was difficult. And'll carry on being so for a while I guess.

I knew it was going to be a painful day yesterday because of the way the muscles had moved the evening before but it was worse than I expected .. but you get through it. It's just one day at a time.

Quite a nice day up here!!!! Well, had to get that in.

Sunday

Had a very long sleep last night into ... this afternoon. Went to sleep early then woke up ..some of the muscles moved quite a bit while I was awake so I knew it was going to be more painful this morning .. and it is. OK sitting down rather than moving around.

Done me pills, marked them off. Well, still got the steroids to take. Have had a bit of a look through the books I have from The Works about Shiatsu, Meditation and Aging. Some of the Shiatsu I recognise from when I was learning massage .. working on the spine and vertebrae.

(Just taken steroids and marked them off).

Nice day cloudy with a bit of sunshine here!!!!!

Gud night (before 11.30 ... snort!!! or .. even ... snore!!!)

I don't know how these illnesses are going to end up. It seems there's going to be improvement on how I am at the moment though .. and on that thought I'm turning in. (Before 11.30!!!!). And I want to snooze and snooze and get lots of rest.

She was right ....

And, yeah, she was right .. I have had a cold.

Friday

Well, my muscles are certainly on the move though have a long way to go. Didn't take them long to seize up but it's taking it's time going back the other way. Crushed lungs, crushed nerves, etc .. there you go, that's what's causing a lot of the pain. But things are a moving a bit more.

I think another one of the skin patches is sticking back together. I'm keeping an eye on it and it does look better.

I woke up feeling absolutely exhausted and stayed like that til around three in the afternoon. Did a little bit of very gentle exercising and some meditation later on though. Massaged the shoulders afterwards but probably should do the massaging before the exercising to relax the muscles as much as I can before the exercising. By exercising I mean a few gentle stretches and rolls to stretch the spine etc.

I'm so glad that I learnt to massage and that I went with mum to the rehab because I have some idea what I'm doing even if I can't do the exercises in full. I have to be careful to remember that I'm on a hefty amount of pain relief too and don't do more than I should.

Almost ate something before taking me pills this evening .. remembered just in time that I mustn't.

And, I felt I'd like to go down to the meeting this evening but I'm not well enough. Gotta be sensible.

Right .. off to get something to eat now!!

Up etc....

Rather on the tired side today. But, up, pills doon and marked off. Restless night .. then restless day, dozing on and off yesterday.

.........

Had to go to Tesco latish this evening. Beautiful evening. Warmish with just a very slight mist of rain in the air. For some reason it reminded me of walking home with friends about twenty or so years ago clutching a packet of chips and some spring rolls.

Dinner's on .. go and take those pills I guess. Don't think it really matters with this lot though. Probably best not to take them with too much food.

Tuesday

Breathing rather laboured at times today.

Such is life etc.

But, one of my blisters seems a bit better.

I haven't been into my language tin yet. I have the Japanese one from The Works too. Wondered if the phrases and words were the same in each. I was going to learn Mandarin a while ago. It caught my eye and I bought some Chinese courses in books with very thin paper .... I think with green covers with pictures of plants on the front. Gave them away to someone else who was learning just before I came up here to look after mum.

Don't know if I will now but it'll be nice trying if I'm able to I guess.

Just taken my meds .. an hour to go etc ..........

Afternoon

In quite a lot of pain this morning but things are moving. Just off to get second lot of paracetamol and oramorph for the day.

Yet another grey and cloudy day. Hopes for sun to peek through a little today .. you never know, it might!!!

Monday

Woke up in a lot of pain again this morning but the pain relief has kicked in and things aren't so bad now. Had to take the oramorph along with the MST though. Think my breathing is a bit better too though I won't know til I'm up and about a bit more.

It changes all the time at the moment. Anyway, just going to have something to eat and take the steroids. Done all the rest of the medication til around 1.00.

Still cloudy and grey here but hopefully the sun'll be shining through now and then during the day.

Sunday

Well, glad my doc did up the dose of MST as the pain was rather on the bad side this morning. I seemed better adjusted to it today too .. still had to take the oramorph though not quite so much .. the pain was still breaking through quite a bit.

Just off to sort dinner out.

Saturday

Waiting for dinner. Haven't eaten much today but think my appetite's coming back. Sue wondered if I've had a slight chill. I dunno, might've done cause my taste buds don't seem to be working that well.

Read a bit this morning so maybe I have as I haven't felt like doing much for a while. See what tomorrow brings.

And, yes, taking one day at a time ... each day as it comes etc ... best way to do it.

I seem to have much more movement in my neck and right shoulder. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up well but I've accepted this isn't quite how it's going to be now .. but at least, however difficult, there are good changes.

I read something interesting about meditation .. about how it can strengthen you. I guess it has different effects on people but this was quite interesting .. will quote tomorrow.

I will start again .. know I keep on saying that I will and do occasionally but this kinda made me think that I will .. there's no reason why I can't put 10/15 mins into it every day.

Off to sort dinner out.

Back to the orange ones I think

There's been a lot of muscle changes today though so it's been a bit difficult to really know what's been going on because that would be making me feel somewhat different especially as far as how my lungs are coping with these changes.

I mean they're alright, it's just because they've been so constricted, well, still are but not as badly as before, they have more work to do and it's painful but I think, for me, it's better regulating the pain relief with the oramorph as I need it. This seemed to make me very tired but without taking the pain away much more.

But, then, for all I know, because of the changes today I might just be very tired and in some extra pain because of it.

I'll take my old dose of MST this evening and see what happens tomorrow. Best thing to do I think.

Well

I think I might be better on lesser MST and keeping things going with the oramorph as I need it. Or maybe just a little less MST, but more than I was taking before .. I'll speak to me doc about it on Monday. I think the lower dose MST and oramorph as I need it suits me better than a large dose of MST and less oramorph.

It's turquoise

Up, taken new MST which turned out to be turquoise .. just one of these morning and night so I'm taking two things less per day though the dose has been increased. It's a 200mg tablet and a loverly shade of turquoise.

Just about to take me steroids .. done and marked off.

Still not openned me tin of Mandarins yet though but I'm looking over with a bit more interest. Me interest has been caught a bit again. The people learning are in Oz and The States. Could be fun.

It's raining here again today. Sigh. Just been to check .. tomorrow could be a mixture of rain and sun and then some days of sunshine. Sounds better. Hopefully September and October'll be warm.

evening

Not such a good day really but I'll be starting on the new MST dose tomorrow morning and that seems like a good idea. Should've done this morning but I didn't take it in with me last night so it's tomorrow now. It'll take a couple of days for the change to really show though there will be some straight away. I still have the oramorph etc to help as well.

Haven't done much today except rest as people've suggested. Well, the tiredness and pain've been getting to me a bit today.

Me breathing? Well, my lungs are working out that they've got more work to do now.

On one of me boards a whole family are learning Mandarin so I might get my tin of Mandarin out to have a look at again when I'm feeling a bit better. If I remember rightly it's words and phrases.

There seems to be quite an emphasis on learning Japanese and Chinese but I guess that just depends on the part of the world you're in.

Taken the mauve pills so I'm waiting the hour before food. Not sure what to have for dinner but it'll probably involve tinned tomatoes and veggie sausages and bread and Marmite. Still haven't much of an appetite at the moment really.

Friday

Well, up and medicated and fed as usual. My eyes were a lot better this morning than they've been for a long time. Was quite surprised.

The pain and tiredness hadn't changed though which isn't surprising.

And another cool, grey morning to wake up to. I shouldn't be complaining about this I know as a hot summer wouldn't've been good for me at all but still a warmer summer would've been nicer .. just not too hot. Maybe Sept/Oct will be better. Just warmish.

Will be starting me new dose pills tomorrow morning. Think it'll be a good idea to try out. I've still got me oramorph for pain breakthrough but to have a plateau there to build on is a good idea. See how it works. It'll be interesting for other people in a similar position and for people in the medical profession.

Today isn't good because there's quite a bit of muscle movement in my head. It started yesterday in my jaw. What with that and the pain in my left side ribs things ain't too brilliant but the muscles are slowly moving.

Thursday

Woke up early but took a long time getting through the drowsiness this morning. I hadn't started taking the new dose MST so it's not that. Rather a lot of movement on the right hand side I think might've added to it all.

Didn't eat my dinner last night either so maybe that left me feeling tired too. Food is like sleep now .. if I don't eat or sleep well I really notice it. When it came to eating though I just didn't fancy my meal. My jaw on the right side was rather noticeably painful this morning .. muscles on the move again .. maybe that had something to do with it too.

Wednesday

Well, will be starting on a higher dose of MST. Progressing from purple to orange to green and I've gone back to the pills rather than the granules cause I wasn't sprinkling them on food so always lost a little of the mixture in the glass. I haven't the slightest idea how the MST works. Taking a pill that will give you up to 12 hours pain relief.

I still have my oramorph as well. That is best for the spine though hopefully I won't need so much with the increased MST. It works well with the spinal pain I have at the moment .. just wish that it'd do the same for the rest.

Did some of mum's exercises before getting up this morning that she was taught at the rehab hospital. Moving the legs from one side to the other with knees slightly bent. It exercises the spine.

Not been a bad day really all things considered. Rained quite a bit though. Started bucketting down while I was in Boots so I stayed there til it stopped.

Veggie chilli with potato wedges from Iceland for dinner tonight with bread and Marmite.

My illness and climate change?

I was wondering this morning while waiting around for the collection of morning pills to take effect if my developing the auto immune illness has anything to do with climate change. I'd read that there's been an increase in skin cancers here and an increase in lupus in this part of the world and it had got me thinking about my illness and whether there could be a connection.

My form of this illness is rare and because it's usually found among people with roots in hotter climates than this I just thought I was unlucky that I'd developed a genetic illness. But then after reading about the rise in cases of skin cancer and lupus in the Western world I just wondered if my illness had anything to do with the same factors that are causing the increase in cases of skin cancer.

What European city do you belong in?

http://www.blogthings.com/whateuropeancitydoyoubelonginquiz

Wouldn't you have known it


Amsterdam


A little old fashioned, a little modern - you're the best of both worlds. And so is Amsterdam. Whether you want to be a squatter graffiti artist or a great novelist, Amsterdam has all you want in Europe (in one small city).

Pain relief

I've been wondering if there's anything that can move this on a bit faster so that I can travel. Someone said about the medication that they thought that there'd be something more suitable for me .. and there was. Maybe there'll be something that can help this other way too.

Anyway the morphine in it's various guises, the mycophenolate and prednisolone are sorted. Massaged my back, though that had to wait until I'd got the first lot of pain relief done this morning because of the pain. It takes about quarter of an hour for the effects to be noticeable and I was aware of them this morning though there still was quite a bit of pain there. I had a very painful spine this morning, very sharp pain, fortunately the morphine seems to be effective on my spine. Dunno why, but it seems to work better on the pain there than in other places. Is this something to do with the dual nerve pathways or something? I haven't the slightest idea .. just know that it is more effective on spinal pain than other pain. That's the mixture of MST, oramorph and paracetamol.

The mycophenolate in the morning just makes me very, very sleepy. First of all the pain relief makes me drowsy, then that just adds to it for an hour or so but it doesn't really matter as that hour is the hour inbetween taking the pills and when I can have breakfast. Then I have the steroids and food and wake up a bit more.

I'd like to find out to see if there is anything that can be done to help move my muscles on more though. And think more about the pain. It was only 15/20 mins before the pain relief kicked in to help my spine some this morning but I was wondering about pain patches because this morning was rather painful (understatement!!) but perhaps they aren't suitable for me because of the other illness. Guess it'd all take some juggling. Or, maybe I should just wake myself up at night for extra oramorph and keep the pain relief plateau going if I can .. maybe that'd help with the other pain as well as the spinal pain.

Freedom of will

I feel different too .. perhaps just crossed the line to accepting these illnesses. Would like to just settle back down into reading .. but haven't felt much like it for the last couple of days again really.

Left last week's New Scientist thinking about whether we have freedom of will or not .. now that is a complicated subject!!! Philosophy and science brought together by things like brain imaging .. and thinking about timing, psychosis, brain patterns etc.

This is the freedom of will rather than freedom of choice brought on by various forms of pressure. Very complicated.

This weeks is still in my bag.

Can't think of a title!!!!

Well, the left rib cage has been uncomfortable to say the least today. It's been moving as the muscles change a bit .. and the pain has been bad through all the pain relief. Opened my chemist's bag and saw that I was a 100ml short of oramorph and blanched .. but the IOU note was in the bag too. He wasn't sure if he had enough and perhaps didn't .. or perhaps did but needed to keep a small bottle behind incase someone else came in for some though it was very late in the day.

I have worn a heat pad around the ribcage for part of the day and I think it's helped some. I hope that'll go through til tomorrow as I had a few muscle spasms earlier on and preventing more of those should help some.

Eaten more protein today. Me appetite had gone a bit and I'd been more interested in fruit than anything else. Tiredness and maybe a bit of a cold. Heading back more to soya land with me soya milk and tin of soya protein drink. And'll eat a bit more before bed as people are saying just to eat small meals but more often at the moment cause I'll probably digest things better that way.

I will, but it's difficult with fitting everything in around the pills too!!!!

The TENS machine

Well, putting the TENS machine to the test .. though I've taken a dose of oramorph .. but I think, even with that, it was a small dose, there'll be a difference. I have it on prog C. which is just a regular pulsating one rather than one of the sharper ones. The pain does seem to've gone down a bit .. but there's that question again .. morphine or the machine or a bit of both?

Anyway, worth a try and I suppose it must work as they use them in pain clinics and pain clinics are for people with severe pain. So, they'd be used in conjunction with pain meds. I suppose I do feel that it gives some benefit cause I keep on using it. It's just that, obviously, it's always used with pain meds so I don't really know quite how it works.

Friday.

Looking through the old papers nothing much seems to've changed really over the last year. Well, it has, but the underlying problems are the same. I wonder what the story will be in a year's time. Same old, same old I should imagine unless something quite extraordinary happens to change things one way or another.

Actually, that's not quite true. I do think that things'll change with a bit of sugar coating some of the tough stuff.

Anyway, as for me, I'm up, medicated, fed and've marked me pills off.. One moment, still gotta take the calcium tablets. Done.

And then ....

Well, either I don't get better .. or, I do. Just one of these problems has rather a high mortality rate as has been obvious since I started blogging about it. I just want to get betterish and go home.

Means ... early nights ... and I might be back!!! You never know. Things are changing. Lots of sleep, good food and ur friendsheeps will have me bustling back doon that ol' highway hopefully. Maybe I will defeat this thing.

And to me boarding mates who've helped me through this I'll be around.

Thinking of you.

Yup...

And as someone said ... this too shall pass.

Well, it's pretty amazing that I've got this far I guess. It's very different being on this side of an illness like this than looking on .. even with helping them. Such is life and such is experience.

I haven't read the news today but just glanced at the headlines .. how people are setting themselves up for early illnesses by today's lifestyles .. well, you takes yer pick, eh? But I guess you can do a lot to avoid them. Not all illnesses are unavoidable.

Something about parental responsibility.

I guess, to a certain extent you grow the society you're going to live in. Not everything .. but to a certain extent.

I also guess I've done my bit in life really. Could've done more but it's been ko'd by being ill. And I'm getting old.

Gang stuff again. Well, as I said the US experts were advising the UK on that a long time ago .. and ignored.

Anyway, I'm off to bed early .. complete with clock .. to get some rest.

It's not going to be easy tomorrow .. but, as my friends keep on saying, tomorrow is another day.

And, you're right. I've not been very communicative over the last few days I know ... but I've been so tired.

Food

I want to eat a lot of fruit and veg at the moment which is good but I guess I've got to make sure I have a good protein intake too.

I know someone from another board who looks after a lot of her medical problems through food intake. Obviously I can't because mine have to be looked after by medication because the pain and illnesses are severe but seeing what she does is helpful and an inspiration.

Well, not just for herself but for her family too.

Sorting

Well, have been shifting some of my papers and things out the flat today. Managed to shift a few of me muscles too though they're ok .. though maybe in a bit of a shock. It was the same side that I was having trouble with this morning and they've loosened up a bit.

Even with the pain relief ... ouch!!!

Then I can have me carpets cleaned. I can bend without it being very painful at times now and I don't shake and drop stuff anymore. Well, I do occasionally drop stuff but I guess no more than anyone else.

The muscle moving was painful though today .. but it was just a bit more flexibility coming back. Guess I got to be careful though. People are right .. I do feel better for going out for a while. I think the walking loosens things up a bit. When I first get back in it doesn't always feel that good as I'm a bit breathless but I think in the long run it does a lot of good. Difficult at times though.

Suppose I better have the TENS machine on now and have it ready for tomorrow too. That was quite some change earlier on. I really don't know if the machine does help or not because I can't really contrast it in with the effect the pain relief is having but I do know that I can't feel the programmes from the machine after a while as much as I can from when I first switch it on but whether that's some kind of desensitisation I don't know.

Dinner is salad and an egg sarnie and some fruit.

Go and get pills and food sorted out I guess and early to sleep I hope.

Up etc .....

Just about to potter off and sort breakfast and my steroids out. Woke up quite early this morning but still felt rather tired and had right side rib and upper spine pain which was rather severe. The muscles are on the move again.

The more they move the easier it is to know what's got to be done because a little flexibility shows how much more is needed. Before it wasn't so easy to tell.

Done me steroids, marked them off and eating breakfast.

Lots of sleep

I had a very long sleep last night probably because I'd had quite a sleepless night a couple of nights before.

Now just doing dinner and getting me later pills sorted out.

Flip flop, fly and flying neutrinos

I guess a lot of my interest in the climate and environment stemmed from being a "child of the 60s" who had an interest in science. And also an interest in politics.

Don't think I was particularly academic, just had lots of interests that were part of the times and've stayed with me. The climate and environment came from a sort of vegan/veggie/hippie interest in life. Went the meditation and brown rice instead of the real ale or dope path.

Enjoyed the music and backtracked like lots of people did into folk and the blues. Enjoyed dance, though not western traditions that much, but that was just a personal choice. I prefered eastern dance. Liked country music too, going right back to the Carter Family and the Appalachian mountain music and Woody Guthrie. Liked soul and ska and blue beat. Liked Ravi Shankar and also the swirling music to belly dance to.

Liked most things really cept couldn't get into western classical music or opera. I know that covers a huge range of music but in general that's how it is.

I don't know if you had to be part of the times to know how they were. They were very varied that's for sure. And there was a lot out there to catch your interest. I guess back when I was in my teens we used to talk about all kinds of things and that's what really started off a lot of the interests. Not the unhappy home or anything like that. It was possibly having been to interesting schools and having people who used to talk about a lot to mix with. Spending nights listening to music, remembering the interesting lights too in all different colours we used to have creating dreamy atmospheres, discussing all kinds of things. Heading off to dances sometimes.

Guess it was a time, like all times, of what you made out of it. There were bad times too. It wasn't just a dreamy time but there were a lot of opportunities to investigate and be part of lots of things that were happening. Following George Harrison's journeys into meditation and also being part of the politics of the day. But, as I said, it was a very varied time. Liked the craft work that was around then too.

But there was also the Vietnam war feeding into all this. You could never forget as you listened to the music and the news came in. It was very emotive and a lot of it has stayed in my mind. I don't know if this is why the times stay in my mind so much or if it was because I was a teenager then. I remember the 70s and 80s well too through the music and company but somehow it's the 60s that stay there influencing a lot of the years to come .. though the veggie times and yoga etc started in the early 1970s they were certainly influenced by my life in the 60s.

Then there were the political movements .. the culture of equality politics.

My knowledge of wild flowers comes from going on nature trails as a young child at school which kinda fed into the hippy thing later on too I guess.

The years go quickly though, don't they, as you look back. How could they go so quickly? Drifting on through what becomes history and changes the way of life.

The big changes in society in my lifetime? I really couldn't put them in order of importance. It may be better to ask someone younger who's looking back over the past imagining a time without them rather than someone who has lived through the changes here.

Feminism ..... and all the equality politics ...... the rise and change in STDs ....... the knowledge of climate change ........ the change in world economic development ......... different technologies: e.g. the computer and its development.

Latest interest: possibly a return to looking at physics. Though in the case of the neutrino it's a bit difficult to know what to put up. What? How? Even how many, huh?!!! lol. Maybe? Whatever!!!!

http://www.flyingneutrinos.com/

http://cupp.oulu.fi/neutrino

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neutrino


Kind of pulls the interest and imagination in.

Continued.......

I remember writing about the race for trade links with Africa in connection with Live 8. I guess that interest may have something to do with the upgrading/downgrading of committies. Still remains the same though ... climate change won't improve Africa's lot. So, if you're really serious about the whole deal ............


If I remember rightly it was about the race between developing industrial countries interests versus the EC. Or, something like that anyway. Just kinda wondering about the politicians interest in the concert at the time.

But that's part of the tie-in. Not that help isn't good etc.

But what's the reason for the down grading. Why was this necessary? What's the reason behind it?

Monday

Was in bed reasonably early last night and this morning instead of dozing after taking my early morning medication drifted in and out of sleep. Waking up thinking of what I'd been reading the day before ... much to my surprise really. But, there you go .. something had caught my interest. Later on perhaps. But obviously curiousity had got me.

Up, not quite medicated yet as I haven't taken the steroids. Eating breakfast and about another hour to go before I can take my second dose of pain relief. All I can do is wait. It's amazing really how much difference the first one makes though it doesn't relieve all that much of the pain .. well, relatively.

Steroids taken and marked off in me little pink book .. just waiting to be able to take that pain relief now. Not long to go. Still tired, but maybe not quite as tired as I have been.

And what is the world we're trying to save

The more you find out the more you want to know. The leading article in this weeks is about neutrinos.

http://www.ps.uci.edu/~superk/neutrino.html

And conducting experiments where they don't do as they're expected and this then leading to people wondering what this means .. some were suggesting the possibility of time travel. But, this is what's so fascinating .. it just never stops unraveling.

The eternal question where does all this come from? Why is there anything? The questions that are so daunting that are never answered in full but just in little sections here and there.

But, then .... whoosh ... and it's upturned, or expanded or is reflected in something else that expands or/and alters the theory .. or refutes it.

Through the keyhole ... They may be notoriously aloof, but neutrinos now seem poised to unlock the door to the 'theory of everything'

I've skim read the article cause it's late and I'm one tired bunny tonight but still I can't help wondering what this will seed as it bursts into flower.

Doongrading

So, the government have downgraded the importance of the cabinet committee for climate change. While promoting helping Africa out of poverty. All well and er ... fine .. or ... something. Except, ofcourse, that Africa is a place where climate change is predicted to create havoc and therefore will cause more poverty.

1+1=3 or something.

New Scientist were busy trying to explain that there's more to climate change than just carbon emissions. That there's a sea of chemicals floating around up there contributing to the changes that are enveloping the planet.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asian_brown_cloud

And that all the components needed to be dealt with. There are, infact, mini smogs hovering all over the planet causing local problems.

"The world has started to take notice of its carbon footprints and with good reason. Yet in the rush to cut carbon dioxide emissions it is all too easy to forget about other pollutants whose contrinution to global warming is just as worrying. Ozone smogs, acid rain and smoke were all targeted by environmentalists in the 1980s and 1990s for the local harm that they do. What is now becoming clear is that failure to tackle them could also upset the best laid carbon schemes.

The good news is that because of the local effects of brown smogs some governments are taking notice of the effects and trying to tackle them.

As the magazine says it's a timely warning to governments not to wait for catastrophes on this scale before taking action on all aspects of climate change.

Sleepy

I am tired right now. I mean, really tired. Just want to go to sleep .. which is good. I feel really restful too. Been doing some minor meditation. Well, as I feel so sleepy it's a good way to use up a little of the time.

And, a kind of peacefulness is the result. Still feeling the tiredness but it's changed from just being a feeling of exhaustion to a more restful feeling. Kind of dreamy.

Just gone and put the dinner on. Bit late but I'll be going to sleep straight after. No staying up too late any more.

Just about to take me meds. Got them all in for a while.

I've become a bit dreamy in the early mornings lately which is kinda interesting cause I don't usually day dream or remember my sleeping dreams. Generally my new early morning dreaminess has been quite pleasant. I've always said that I'm glad I don't remember my dreams cause quite a few people I know have quite unpleasant ones but this kind of half awake/half asleep thinking/dreaming has been quite nice. Just a couple I've shook myself out of.

It's while I'm waiting for the tiredness to wear off after I've taken my early morning pills. I just kind of slip back into a kind of hypnagogic state. Well, occasionally. I just get to feel very tired and then slowly feel more awake again. But, sometimes, not that often, I have kind of day dreams.

Saturday .........

Got to see someone I hadn't seen for about two years today. I'm always a little nervous now when meeting friends I haven't seen since I developed this illness. I wonder if I've changed much. I don't mean physically because obviously I have there but we get on ok so I guess I haven't much.

It's been one of my harder days healthwise as there'd been quite a bit of muscle changing overnight and I didn't feel at all well when I woke up though that fluctuated throughout the day. Again, it's the tiredness but as people say it's not surprising that I do feel so tired at the moment. Exhausted more like it.

I wish I could do more. I love hearing about what other people are doing but it'd be nice if I could do more myself.

I'm surprised how my friends seem to understand the pain I'm in and the complexity of it and the illnesses. It's complicated but they understand what's going on.

Go and put the oven on now. Steroid sparing pills taken a while back. Veggie hotpot again tonight possibly with a pickled egg!!!! And some fruit and bread and marmite.

Walked it

Well, I did it!!! Difficult to imagine that I find it hard to walk down to the end of town!!! I know. But, I got there and back. Rather uncomfortable but bearable.

Came back with a couple of veggie hotpots and two small packs of larger daal to have a look at. Favourite food really I guess. Tesco used to do a lovely daal with plenty of turmeric in it .. well, judging by the colour .. now I'll soon be practicing making my own. Guess, once you get used to making them you can just add the spices until you get the flavours you want.

Got some odds and ends from the health shop too so now I can have soya pepperoni slices,tomato and onion sandwiches. It's not so hard being a vegan these days!!!! I like those soya slices. And it'll be good when I'm making the daal and the lentil curries. I think green lentils are my favourite pulses .. I'm told that you can make very nice cottage pie type things with them too .. Well, one thing at a time!!!!

Just taking the last but one lot of the day's pain relief. The paracetamol, oramorph and MST .. plus the steroid sparing drugs .. three mauve ones of those. So, I can have dinner around half seven. Waiting for them too take effect. Without the pain relief it'd be pretty bad but at the moment it's keeping it in check to quite an extent though it's still not easy. But the breakthrough pain was verging on the unbearable at times before so this is good.

Tonight's dinner is um ... veggie hotpot again.

Nice day.

The pain's not so bad at the moment as it usually is for some reason or other. I'm tired though. Fed, watered and pilled etc.

Better get sorted and out while this lasts. I mean I'm still on the same amount of pain relief but usually there's a lot of pain breakthrough. It's just not as bad as usual at the moment which is good.

Nice day out there which is rather on the unusual side these days too.

It's just nice not to be in the amount of pain I'm usually in. Really tired though.

Anyway better head down to the surgery. Might even be a taxiless visit .. I shall have to see .. ofcourse that depends on the pain not on the tiredness. I can sloath my way down there easy enough but can't walk when the joints and muscles are giving me jip.

Haven't done any exercises today though. I'll leave them for last thing tonight again I think. Just a few again. Seems to work ok that way. I think it's best just to do a few at a time .. just mixing them in with everything else.

Even if the pain does come back soon at least it's not been too bad for most of the day.

Well, I've got through today reasonably well. I can't control the pain that well but I did manage to walk down town and get my veggie hot pots and veggie sausages and beans. Also some packs of lentils and daal to cook myself. Ofcourse bought some packs of spices too. All ready to go there again. You can just cook up what you like to your own taste. I love veggie curries and daal. Also like the fact that turmeric probably keeps the brain ticking over rather nicely. Reading that .. about seven or so years ago .. has kept me fond of the spice.

Told someone today about manuka honey. Also about getting little bottles of handscrub from the chemist and using the bottle at the end of the bed before eating if you want in hospital. I always think of hibiscrub .. but you have to wash that off if I remember rightly. That's from a long time ago but apparently they still make it. Anyway I'm glad I could let her know cause she's been a good friend to me. Just one of those things.

Been writing a bit. Done a bit of sorting. Got a veggie hotpot for dinner etc. Some of getting better really is down to eating well .. sort of giving the medication a helping hand.

I had an interesting chat with someone who'd helped someone who hadn't been taking hers. She was on some kind of neuroleptic medication and she hadn't taken it and needed help. Luckily she'd ended up in that shop where they knew her and could help her.

They say that one in ten children in the UK has a mental health problem these days. Suppose they are referring to anxiety and things like that as well as the more serious illnesses, though I'm not sure if anxiety comes under mental illnesses. Have to ask someone on that one, my knowledge tends to veer more towards personality disorders and when I was learning about that it was 1 in around 100 for men and about half that for women with the added proviso for women that this might be thought less for them because they expressed it in a different way, which wasn't being monitored by the tests and knowledge of the day, rather than there were actually less. That might've all changed in the last twenty or so years though.

I do my eye exercices every day now!!!!! Just once a day for now. I'm glad I read that. Maybe they do work. Guess you have to take care of your health if you want it to work for you. Meditation apparently helps with concentration, the eye exercises with memory and eating turmeric may stop platelets forming that contribute to some forms of dementia. Not that I'll probably have to worry much about the latter cause my illness will probably get me before I develop that. Guess I'll have me senior moments .. but then I have me younger friends talking about their worries about short term memory probs to me .. I'm really not sure if they expect too much from themselves or not. But, I suspect I'll have passed over before dementia comes my way.

They say 60 is the new 40. Keep on waggling your eyes people. I just think really that you can keep your interests going in life for as long as you are able and that there are lots of options now regardless. Evening classes, senior citizens clubs that cater for all kinds of interests etc., etc. I know that my youth has stayed with me all my life, influencing me to a certain degree. I loved a lot of the music, think my political interest stems from some of the youth culture as does my interest in meditation and things like that. While not a Beatles fan, I watched George Harrison's easternwards looking. I think I was lucky because so much of what was around interested me. Got into crafts, yoga, meditation, sport through judo. And though I moved on with the years. I like music so have always followed what's been going on to some degree which means I've always been vaguely interested in youth culture which is just as well or I wouldn't really understand what my younger friends have had to say over the years as I've moved generations away from the youth culture of the time. They've been interested in what went on in the past at times and I'm interested in what they've had to say too.

What does interest me is that on some levels nothing much seems to change really. I was chatting about that with one of my friends who wants to be a doctor (16 year old guy) a a couple of days ago and he said he could see the similarities. I have little idea though of what I'd be doing if I'd been born into his generation and living with today's deals in life. I am dealing with them obviously because I'm here but not at such a young age.

I look back to my youth. I was never part of the "hope I'll die before I get old" brigade. I had older friends as well as people of my own generation. Going back more into the beat generation before the mods 'n' rockers etc. Back pre that generation too, had friends from the 20s right through. Learning about the arts, music and cultures then.

They used to find it interesting and a bit amusing when I used to come rushing back from jumble sales with my finds from the 20s/30s/40s with my friends. We were never quite sure if some things were evening wear or night wear. They were so beautiful .. sort of Bibaish things. They just looked like long dresses. I saw an art student wearing one a few years ago but you don't see many around now. She had long red hair and was wearing a pale pink dress (probably a nightie in the era it was made), just below the knees one this time, patterned with sprigs of pale flowers on it.

My best find, well, to my mind, was the velvet flowers. So many that we shared them though I saved a lot of the purple ones. Loved purple then too. Made bracelets and things and they went very well with Bibaish things.

T'was fun!!! Jumblesalesing was often on a Saturday afternoon if you could make it and people'd often pick up things for you if they thought you'd like them if you couldn't. And, ofcourse, if you didn't, and nobody else wanted them, the material was there to make patchwork stuff with.

Seems some of this is still "popular" in the States, making patchwork stuff etc. it seems from what I've learnt on the net, with some people. More popular than fashionable I guess. People just enjoy doing it. Not to the extent it was in my younger days I'd think, but I might be wrong there as far as post-teens people go, but people are doing handicraft stuff.

I haven't been inspired, not enough hours in the day especially as I am right now, but I would like to make a patchwork quilt. Idea's in my head from the net but I won't but I could make a few pieces and give them to others who are.

Fashion? Well, it's a mighty big world out there!!!! But I've bin amazed travelling round the States via the net and seeing just how varied things are.

Must get some rest I guess. Gotta take the calcium pill and me pain relief. Four minutes to go!!!!!

Darts off.

Up ......

Well, back to being able to do a bit more I think. The last week hasn't been that good. So, a bit of sorting out again!!!!!

I did a few exercises last night before bed. And, I mean a few. Two ... arms going down towards the feet on both sides and two ... stretching up. Think they did something as I could feel there was muscle movent afterwards when I'd turned in. My breathing was moving the whole of the left side of my body very slightly and my back felt different.

Very simple things. I think some of the exercises mum did still wouldn't be suitable for me. I'll have to work up to them. One of the illnesses I have has similarities to hers which helps me a lot but they are still different illnesses and I think I have to move a bit slower as far as the exercises are concerned right now.

But, it's still important to do what I can do. I know that through going to the rehab hospital with mum and from what I've read and been told but I have to work at a different pace. Just do what I can do without pushing myself.

There's a long way to go though. I was a bit worried about what the pain would be like this morning because of the change but it's on much the same level as usual but I feel a bit better in myself so after my second dose my pain relief I'll do a little bit about the flat .. more of the sitting down .. sorting stuff .. things moved on third dose hopefully.

Anyway, I've taken my earliest pills, marked them off. I sleep in most every morning again now. I guess because I need the rest. At least 10 hours most nights.