Bob Geldof

I actually wrote the last post after reading yet another comment about Bob Geldof which seemed to revolve around the fact that he is seen as a "pop star" and ofcourse the clash between being seen as a slightly rebellious figure as a pop star and also being seen as an establishment figure at the same time. And is the latter why he's agreed to help the Conservatives with a group that proports to be against global poverty. Almost saying that he couldn't have any or many socialist ideals because of his business life.

I still go "eek" at the words Tory or Conservative but at the moment Mr Cameron is setting up these groups which I'm looking at with bemusement I suppose really because the two don't go together in my mind. And I really support the idea of the groups.

Also I love the idea of the focus they're giving.

Would I turn my back on the proported ideals of these groups because the ideas came from the Tories rather than Labour.

I like a lot of what Mr Cameron has said. I just have no love for his party. I consider the present Labour government to be reasonably right wing, and given recent events, possibly veering more in that direction than I thought, but in my mind the make up of the Tory Party is far more to the right than the present Labour Party. It presents a lot of problems in my mind.

Difficult.

I see part of the problem stemming from Labour's rather autocratic attitudes. I feel they didn't really want public attention focused on their internal policies and certainly nothing that might bring about public involvement because they really aren't that socially interested. Which has been alright for them up to now because there was no opposition to really show this up.

But basically I'm a Socialist and I know that at least part of this is just political manoevering to get attention and get support.

Look I'm looking in their direction. They've caught my attention.

What I have to decide now is whether the party as a whole is what I'd consider safe or whether it'd just revert if it was in power.

I've been shocked enough by the limits on freedom in the last few months to get jittery at the thought of a more right wing government.

But I'm jittery for other reasons with this government and I feel a kind of jaded cynicism about it all now.

What will happen. Who knows.

God, who knows what I'd've decided.

In a Political wilderness

I've been reading what David Cameron has to say about his view of politics with interest over the last few weeks. I am not a Conservative and regardless of what Mr Cameron is saying I realise that the Tory party will be made up of the same folk that were there before he became leader. Yet I'm very attracted by some of the things he has to say. The only thing is ofcourse is that I wonder how much of it is just yer usual political manipulation.

I expected much more from Mr Blair's time in government and that's the truth. I really did. I suspect that some of the momentum that might have been there has been lost because of the lack of political interest in this country over the last few years. It had become cool to say that you weren't interested in politics.

If he really has an interest in relieving some of the effects of poverty and has a real interest in the effects of global warming and has a political social agenda that reflects these kind of interests then ofcourse I'm going to be watching.

I just don't think that the present government is particularly socially astute and I think they should be.

I'm also aware because of my interest in politics in two different countries that right wing doesn't necessarily have to mean an illiberal attitude, though ofcourse ultra right wing does. I don't consider the present government here as interested enough in social issues to think of them as particularly left wing. And by left wing I mean conventionaly socialist. If I voted for them again as things stand now I'd be voting Labour simply to vote Labour not because I have any confidence that this government is going to suddenly become interested in the issues I think of as socially pressing.

Mr Cameron has come along and is talking about some of the things that I think of as issues I'd've liked to see come from the present Labour Party.

I'm torn in two ways. One, I know that a right wing party can be quite liberal and I'm wondering if there's going to be a change towards a more central view in this country. Possibly with some more conservative supporters going over to the Labour Party. You know a bit like the Church of England lot who left for Catholicism at the mention of women priests. Though I also know that a liberal stance can be diminished in certain circumstances.

But two, I'm aware that a lot of the party will still be made up of people with the attitudes that made me stay away from supporting them. I have no love for the Conservative Party as it has been. But then, I'm a disillusioned Labour supporter now too. Ofcourse I'm willing to hold on for a bit longer but I must admit that I'm waivering because Mr Cameron surely has come along knowing exactly what to say to attract people like me with social consciences who have become disillusioned with things as they stand at the present.

I'm aware that we probably are going to lose freedoms in this country at least for a while as things are being sorted out but I haven't been happy about some of the things that have been happening regarding freedom of expression recently. And again I'm a bit lost as to what to do. I don't support these attitudes and I look over at Mr Cameron who on the face of it is supporting some of my ideals. But then I think over my attitudes to the Tory Party based on my experience and I wonder if the loss of freedom of expression that has been displayed would be even worse if the Conservative Party got into power knowing that it still has a lot of the people in the party that I distrusted before.

Maybe Mr Cameron is exactly what is needed to get the Labour Party back on its feet again. They surely haven't had any serious opposition for a long time and certainly not an opposition that is making socially concerned noises as the present leader of the Tories is. I suppose what is going to happen next might depend on whether Mr Cameron has more social knowledge than the Cabinet and the politcal nuance, with his party, to come up with ideas that sound or even are workable in the direction he's hinted he wants to go.

The menopause and creativity

I was going to write about the article in The Independent yesterday that covered the menopause and creativity in an article about an author who had problems with and after the menopause. I came through the menopause easily, had a few months where my periods were all over the place and just a nuisance but that was all. There were no hot flushes or anything like that. Don't know if it's just my body or if it has something to do with being a vegan. They tend to recommend eating soya products to help. Well, I'd been living off soya and veggies and grains and other beans for years by the time it was put to the test for me. I have no personal knowledge of what a hot flush is. The one time I thought I might be having one it turned out that I was coming down with a cold, a rare thing at that time because I was eating well, and had a temperature. I used to get a bit pissed off because my periods were all over the place but I didn't get depressed or anything.

Some younger women say they can't wait for the menopause but it's not that easy. I was sad at the rite of passage I suppose. The end of a chapter of my life really. But the sadness went after a few months with no periods and then having one. Instant cure.

I suspect the difference between what I experienced and what the writer in the article experienced might be something to do with my lack of hot flushes. I didn't really have anything like that to make me feel bad. I just ended up with a feeling of annoyance when I thought my periods had gone for good and then had one. I was very happy when I was sure that it was all over for sure. I forgot about the sadness I'd felt and just went on with life.

Maybe it is something to do with diet. I know in some parts of the world hot flushes and the like are really almost unheard of. It's thought to be down to eating a natural diet. I read up on all this a long time ago and can't remember it now.

I'm getting worried now. Joke.

Waits for creativity to suddenly vanish. Maybe my creativity is different from that of the writer in the article. I don't have a mind full of characters, never have. More a mind that sees the bizarre in things. When I was recovering from my head injuries I used to pretend that I was an alien on the planet with a general knowledge of the planet and would convulse with laughter if I spotted something like a purple sheep in someone's window or something. It took a while to get the picture of life back again. But I had some hilarious moments while getting there.


I can build characters up in my mind but it's something that I just haven't done.

I don't think any of my creativity's been affected at all. I'm not conscious if it's changed or not really but it's certainly still there.


But I do know that it's different for different people.

Poetry

I find a lot of poetry difficult to read. It doesn't paint word pictures in my head. I guess there's a cross over between poetry and song lyrics in that if poetry isn't free form both it and song lyrics in general have a form. In some forms of poetry it can be a very strict form too though people might not notice this just reading it.

Generally though I'm mystified by a lot of poetry while even if song lyrics are rather strange I tend to get there in the end. Sometimes meaning's structured, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes lyrics are just a free flow of words.

I've never been interested in poetry. In poetry classes I'd just write humorous stuff because I really couldn't get my head round thinking of it in any other way.

But in other people's minds I could see that poetry painted pictures and that they could express their feelings through writing it. The extent of my feelings expressed in this medium had something to do with getting a dog down that was stuck up a tree.

I express myself better through dance I guess, though obviously not so much these days and through prose.

Expression through art is rather different though I guess it's there. I'm not a performance artist expressing myself in that way. But I guess a lot of what I do says a lot about me.

I draw portraits too. And I used to like drawing Celtic Art. I've forgotten the name of the guy that brought out all those Celtic Art How To books but I was a great fan.

Goes off to find out who it is.

Ah. Courtney Davis


I like drawing portraits.

I like quite a lot of fantasy art.

Slightly different but fractals fascinate me.

I guess my favourite artist is Rossetti though I tend to like a lot of magazine art a lot and things like that.


I suppose art is a way of expressing myself but it's very different from dance and writing.

http://www.celtic-art.com/books/

There you go

I Still Hear The Lion

http://poetwomen.50megs.com/catalog.html

Anyway

I've been talking quite a lot over the holidays. Yesterday I sat reading Kola Boof's poem "I Still Hear The Lion" that she wrote in memory of Theo Van Gogh. Written in memory of him and his kindness.

I'd written something the day before about how things that were easily accessible in print that he'd said had been misquoted and taken out of context so that it looked as if he'd said something very different from what he had actually had said. I deleted it. It had been on my mind a lot and I'd been talking about it. Just remembering things that were said around the time he died.

So much was actually taken out of context and the meaning was totally altered.

In reality he was very much an equal opportunities employer.

Just believed in equality.

Actually

I don't know if she comes over to my blogs cause I haven't put them up on her site. Oh dear!! Probably not actually and I ain't asking.



Edits the rest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes

It's more than just remembering. You find out about hidden kindnesses.

Photos of Japan

I've just been looking at the photos that parachan from the Empowering Womyn board (Empower) took in Japan and posted.

They're lovely.

I wonder

If she'll change it back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But meanwhile:

Sans penguins

Let's talk about this

http://comment.independent.co.uk/commentators/article335360.ece


Sunbathing, sunblock and vitamin D.


I've spent quite a lot of time in the sun and've burnt a couple of times. Am much more careful now. I wear sunblock on my face from about the end of April to the end of September in this country if I'm out for long. I'll also wear trousers and a t shirt with long sleeves a lot of the time,depends just what the weather's like, and will roll the sleeves up for part of the time I'm out to make sure that I get sunlight on my skin to form vit D.

I'll add sunblock as I need it when I'm out for long. And a hat too sometimes or sun glasses.

I think I remember reading that they'd thought to get sufficient vitamin D from the sun during the summer months you just had to have the sun on your face for around half an hour around 10am to 11am.

Sometimes I've been out for a while without sunblock and then put it on if I'm going to be out for longer.

It's important not to take too much vit D as it can cause calcium to form in other parts of your body apart from your bones. I take a Vegan supplement in the morning, the Seven Seas vegan and vegetarian multivit which has 100% of the RDA for this country, and one Boots chewable calcium and vit D tablet in the evening with my food.

Obviously as a vegan I don't get vit D from any animal sources though do get some from margarine and from some fortified vegan drinks. I don't tend to eat fortified breakfast cereals.

It really does depend on your skin just how long you can be in the sun without burning. Some people are very sun sensitive, other's aren't.

And just think.................

I was going to write about an article in today's Independent.

About creative personalities. I actually thought the research that went into the initial report was a load of crap to be honest. But I found this article interesting and was going to write about it.

Goes off to find a pattern to crochet your own penguin.


Will return to article later. Like in a week or so!!!

TM!!!!!!!!!!!!

And we're not talking transendental meditation here.

She's changed the fricking photo.

Narrowly misses having half of dinner over computer.

Cross blogs

Travelling across the blogosphere


http://lemuuresblog.blogspot.com



When I mention posting posts in the wrong blog they're there!!!

Christmas again.

Well, there were a couple of potential "upsets" I guess. This time of year can be quite emotional. One just proved how far I've travelled on from part of my life in the last year cause someone had dropped off my emotional radar screen. Well, off altogether if I'm honest. I'd no reaction to the person being around at all. Was as relaxed when they walked in as I was before they arrived. Suppose there was a slight curiousity when I saw them but it was only for a few seconds. Found myself being studied pretty intently at times but even though I was aware it wasn't having any impact on me. I'd just moved on and I guess that's why there was no reaction.

Later on I thought about it because I was quite surprized really. I'd've thought I'd've felt some annoyance or something but there was nothing. I thought it's really going to be on my mind over Xmas but there wasn't much chance of that because thanks to the cold I was really too far out of it anyway.

The cold's been pretty shitty really. It went to my left foot, must've got into the nerves or something. Even though I'm complaining it's made sure that I rest up more than I would've done if it hadn't happened. The foot's pretty sore. Got a sore head as well and I really just want to rest a lot of the time. Been told to keep the foot nice and warm and just rest it up. Guess it's kind of enforced training!!!!!

It's been fine really.

Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I was awake all last night sneezing and dripping for Britain. Don't know how long it's been since I got a really wet cold but well over a year I should say. I decided to keep it to myself and spent today resting in the morning and then a mixture of dozing and being up and about in the afternoon.

Flipping heck though. It seems to've cleared up some now but there was no way I could've done anything much the way I was without half a box of tissues stuck under my nose.

Feel much better this evening which I wouldn't've if I'd been up and out. Sneezing's stopped, well, just one sneeze and I'm a hell of a lot more cheerful than I was this morning. Bleary on the phone this morning. Still feel tired but my mood's lifted again.

Quote

Just what I'd written somewhere else.


Wish you luck here ...... I tackled the town's bullies in one of my blogs and it's quite amazing how things roll on. One thing I've found is that you discuss issues of real importance and some of them can't get past the personal.

I've deleted a lot of what I wrote because I'd made my point and there has been note taken of what I'd written it seems in certain areas.

I'd read about a boy who had been bullied physically and mentally for years at one of the local schools without anyone doing anything about it professionally and I'd seen it on the streets. And then they decided to turn on me because I'd come up here to look after a dying relative while recovering from injuries and illness of my own. Dressed differently and was open about being in a relationship with another woman.

I hope that I've given the people here who don't like bullying help to find a focus to do something about it. I hear that the local schools are now joining together to try and tackle the problem for the children.

I've deleted most of what I wrote in my blog now. I'm leaving in a few weeks because my relative has died and it's time for me to go.

Hope I've made a difference.

Mindwarp

Years ago I studied the way that people with certain kinds of personality could influence others in a negative way. Over the last few years I've been in a position to watch it happen. Seeing it one way or another for the last six years or so with a couple of breaks.

I started blogging because of my reaction to racism that I'd seen on the web. It wasn't just racism but also a general attitude to anyone that was thought to be vulnerable. But racism was a very large part of it.

There was a definite modus operandi, plan of action in other words.

I take it that the pseudo soul searching is where people often become confused and therefore easily influenced in some cases. It was quite an education watching people who would stand out against behaviour like this become part of the problem either by supporting the perpetrators, or standing by and letting it happen and then carry on as if nothing had happened.

When I was writing about this somewhere else I wondered too if in cults and similar situations there could be an effect like falling in love when you're not quite as alert as you normally might be. That it could be chemically induced at least at the beginning of the experience.

I also wondered if it could be caused by fear of not belonging. Could there be a chemical reaction there too.

Or,perhaps, that they have little self confidence. Though I have to say there have been times when I've really had little self confidence in certain situations and I still haven't lost the original flow of thought. But people react differently.

I'm very aware that there are certain situations which would make a lot of people very nervous where I don't experience the same level of nerves. And it's certainly true the other way round as well.

There's the old tactic of treating someone badly, then being nice to them, treating them badly again and then being ultra nice etc etc. Often shown at the beginning of abusive relationships. I wonder what effect this would have on an observer who wanted to belong too. Would they start processing the bad behaviour differently.

I've seen it happen but I don't understand the process that's going through the mind of the person being influenced.

Coventry

Went to Coventry today to pick up someone's e mail address and to give mine. Nice time, picked up some really nice odds and ends in the charity shops there. Saw that there were quite a few people from here there.

Then went on to Brum basically to get the train back. Went to the 98p shop and got some things that will be great to make into other things. I'll make crescent moons from some of the circular things I bought, and stars from the smaller ones. The colours are great. There are crescent moons there but the ones I'll make are in different colours. Obviously can make other things as well. Got hair scrunchie type things with individual material flowers on them which I'll unpick and save the flowers from, saves making them myself.

There are a lot of things from Tibet in there at the moment. Fascinating because they're from Tibetan culture and are very different from other things you see here. Some of the things are really beautiful. The Chinese things are very arty too. Incredible to look at what's been made.

Post cold bleuurgh

I think I'm in that stage of post cold bleuurgh. I feel tired and am puffy but I think the cold's gone. Spoke to a couple of people yesterday who said they've still got it who became ill around the same time I did, so even though these things are still knocking me out pretty badly it seems that I'm clearing them ok really.

I wish I'd been more careful when I came down with that other bug. I knew I had that weakness and there had been signs that there was going to be trouble there eventually for a few months before I became very ill. A couple of colds had caused trouble there before and I'd just ignored it because it wasn't bad and I'd got over the problem but in reality they were just sensitizing the weakness even more and it was really just a matter of time before enough damage had been caused to make me really ill. I wasn't even that ill in other ways. Most people I knew had bad coughs and/or chest infections with the virus that got into my spine. I didn't even have a sign of that but I had a spine that was vulnerable and still had damaged tissues from the colds that had caused a bit of discomfort there in the last few months. And I have a weakness there anyway from a meningital type illness that left some damage behind.

Plus the fact that I was slowly but surely messing up my immune system with my diet.

I've come out of it very well. The things that other people have told me have made me realise how lucky I've been. Not over it yet though but getting there.

Health

Well, considering how shitty I felt this morning I guess I can't complain. Went to Brum in the afternoon. Not that bad really cause most of the time was spent on the train there and back. It was to get a book and I hoped to see someone but she wasn't there. Went to the 98p shop at New Street Station and now I've got a couple of turtling rings to put in with the turtling bracelets. Turtles heading for Canada. I'll get a box in the next few days and then send them airmail after the Xmas post rush is over.

Still not taking any pain relief but I'm tired this evening and am a bit achy. My spine is irritating a bit but it's not that bad. There's a bug going round that's making people swell up a bit around the face. Tell me about it. All in all I can't complain.

And the healthy eating continues.

Someone said "garlic" to me in the street a few days ago. Y're not kidding mate. I ain't going back in that direction again.

Mucha

Found a t shirt in the local animal charity shop that has a Mucha drawing on it with the flower in the woman's hair embroidered on it. I remember seeing another one sometime ago but it was tiny, this one's just the right size, slightly on the baggy side maybe.

I sometimes copy Mucha's art. Like doing kind of psychedelic art along with science fiction type too. Drew yesterday, wasn't meaning to. Can't remember what I was doing but I was here with a biro and a pad of paper and just started. Drew a woman's face from the side, gave her a long plait and kind of elfin ears and just decorated it all a bit.

Talking about Mucha takes me back to the early 70's cause I had some badges decorated with Mucha's art, also had a few decorated with psychedelic mushroom pictures at the same time. As far as I know I've still got them. Hope they're with the few copies of Spare Rib that I've saved from the time. Well, I say saved, they've just somehow stayed around. The badges I just liked and kept.


Alphonese Mucha

http://beautyandruin.com/findesiecle/mucha.php

Chat

Spent some of the evening chatting to some of the women from the Empower board. Chat is good there. But Beach wasn't there, hope she's ok. Baby's due soon so we're just waiting.

There's that other board too that I found last week. It's fallen quiet but it looks promising, might go and post when I feel a bit better. Got another cold so I'm glad I didn't go out again yesterday. Going to have breakfast and then go and rest for a while.

Health

I did what I intended today really. Went down to the Tescoes in Warwick rather than the one here then found they didn't have what I'd gone down for. Haha. Never mind,eh. Other than that I just got the papers in. I was meant to be going out later on but I decided not to, though when I got up again at around tennish this morning I felt like going but decided it's better not to.

Finished cleaning out the fridge cause I hadn't washed a couple of the shelves when I did it yesterday and I had some food to put away. Managed to get a load of dettox and water over my trousers when I was rinsing out the salad compartment but other than that no problems!!


I'm not feeling that great. Still haven't got over this cold and I'm very tired and I'm just not pushing it anymore.

The Arabic Alphabet Song

I used to visit this site a few years ago and went back today just to listen to the song. It's pretty good. I think the graphics have changed slightly, though I'm not sure, can't really remember but I thought something was different other than that the alignment of song and pictures seems to've gone a bit hectic in places. I think it was only like that on the second singing of the alphabet before.

Last time I was at the site it was all free. It's not now cause the guy's got a cd rom out but you can still get to listen to the Alphabet song there.


http://www.funwitharabic.com/song.htm


Really like it.

Sleep

I slept through the night last night though have woken up feeling as if that might be what I'm doing for the rest of the day as well. Go and get some food and then rest up I think. Don't feel like doing anything else at all.

Memories ............ again

It's like talking about something just sets off a chain of memories at the moment. This time about something I hardly ever think about because it's been filed way back in my mind somewhere and that's where it stays most of the time.

So, anyway went to Birmingham late this afternoon to pick up some books. I'm still very whoozy and tired. Guess it was just another cold. There's still a lot of people sneezing around here and obviously somehow I haven't managed to catch all the bugs that are going around here at the moment.

It's such a slow process but I guess something is happening. I seem to have gone off junk food anyway. I eat a bit of chocolate some days but I'm just not that bothered now. And I'm much better at going to get something to eat rather than just picking at what's lying around when I get in. I noticed a few days ago that my attitude had just changed completely. Wasn't a conscious effort, just a shift in perception and attitude I guess that just happened somewhere along the line.

I haven't used any painkillers at all for the last week or so though at times there's been pain. I'd realised that I was taking them at times when normally I wouldn't. I'd just got used to taking them when the pain in my spine was really bad and had continued taking them when I was in pain that wouldn't be the type of pain that I'd normally take pain relief for. Sometimes I was taking them just to ease discomfort to make the day easier. It was a pretty strange discomfort and it did affect me quite badly and was very tiring but I don't think I really needed pain relief for it. Just needed to rest when I became tired I guess.

I've never liked taking pain relief. I've tended to think that if I can get on with things without taking it then I will. I've usually lasted a few days if the pain's reasonably bad and then take something because it really starts affecting what I'm doing.

I was very lucky with the worst injuries I've had in my life because there was no pain from them. This isn't as unusual as it may sound. I know the same happened to Donald Campbell, the racing driver, when he was very badly injured, and I've known a couple of other people it's happened to. The injuries have been really bad in all cases and I guess the pain is cut out because of damage to the nervous system.

I had no idea that my injuries were as bad as they were because there was no pain. I was very whoozy and I was concentrating on trying to stay conscious because I thought if I had any brain damage staying conscious would help minimize it. I was a bit surprized when the people I was with told me about my injuries and told me to stay still because I wasn't in any pain. If I hadn't been so whoozy I'd've realised that with the amount of blood I'd lost that there should be some pain. I just chatted with the people I was with.

I didn't realise how badly injured I was until I'd been treated and then saw myself in a mirror. I didn't recognise myself. Just a mass of bruising and swelling. You really swell up when you've been injured like that. There was still no pain though.

The only time I felt anything like pain was when I was having the gauze that had been put up my nostrils when they had pushed my nose back together removed. It wasn't really pain just a nasty sensation as the gauze was tweezed out past my sinuses. They'd sure packed a lot of gauze up there. If you have an injury like that they just push the nose back together to start with and then you wait a year for all the swelling to go down before they operate to put it back together properly.

I had a year of treatment but still didn't feel any pain and there was no pain from the operations. It had to be something to do with the damage to my nervous system through the injuries because I wasn't numb, it was just that I felt no pain around the injuries. I was very surprized when I stubbed my toe and it hurt.

I wonder how differently I would've reacted to the injuries,well, to everything really, if I had felt pain. I was out as soon as possible but then when I've been injured and felt pain I've behaved exactly the same. Guess it must've minimized shock though.

Aspartame

Still haven't checked out the tests on the sweetener. It's banned in a lot of Europe though not here and in the US. When I told some people who live in the US that I eat/drink things with it in they weren't very pleased. They thought that it might affect the brain and won't touch it themselves. Here it seems to be sweetener of choice as far as the manufacturers are concerned.

Sorting my diet out

Well, I seem to've got there at last. A lot of help came from joining the Empower board with their food threads where I had to assess what I'd been eating especially after the What've you just eaten thread went up. And the advice helped too. And Beach's pasta post when she had heartburn and I was sitting here with the same sort of thing though for a different reason!!

There's been a lot of support one way and another and all I can do is just say thankyou.

Very tired still

I'm going back to try and get some more sleep. Just up to get a glass of water really. Probably be laying off the diet coke cause there was an article in the Express yesterday about the sweetner in it and how it may be a factor in developing cancer. The sweetener's aspartame.

People I've known from the States seem to have been made more aware of the potential problems with this sweetener than we do here. It's been considered problematic for quite some time.

Will read up more later on I guess.

As far as food goes I seem to have got over getting in and just picking on what's around without really thinking about what I'm doing. I don't eat the stuff I was eating before and'll go into the kitchen and get a sandwich or prepare a meal when I get in rather than sitting down and just picking at whatever's lying around. And I've got so much better about it over the last week too. Don't think about it as a realistic option anymore really.

I still feel ill but some days are better than others. Yesterday I went into Birmingham and read a bit of US News and World Report, and The Sprout on the way back and found reading a lot easier than I have for a while. Well, since my concentration went with that fluey type illness. And I was interested in what I was reading. Not that I wasn't before but when concentrating's that difficult so much of your energy just goes on managing to stay reading and I guess just for your brain to take in and process what it's reading a bit. Very tiring.

Nice board

Found another nice board by going to the other boards in the ring. Someone had come in and left their board address. I'm surprized she left it cause the board she left it on is inactive now. Still you never can tell. I went to look just out of curiousity to see if anyone had been there and posted.

Too tired

To write out that lost post again. Will just save what's left of it and write it tomorrow.

Playing the guitar

Well, I know that in some ways it's gone. I look at my wrist and I really can't see things getting much better. I just don't have the flexibility for some of the things I'd like to play and the strength and flexibility for others.

My voice is getting better again. It's stuck either quite low or it's a bit thin further up the scales but it's moving around. Because of the muscle stiffness it's not really going through the octaves easily. Have to fetch it sometimes as it zooms off somewhere and say come back you which is something that wasn't happening for quite a while.

It swoops and trembles from note to note in a word and from word to word along with Gram Parsons and Emmylou Harris but it's still having problems running up and down those scales because my muscles are just too stiff right now. And it's quite a thin voice still.

And I'm able to shorten and lengthen syllables in the words more than I could.

Lost it then ... or most of it anyway.

Didn't notice that my mouse had zoomed off from the wordpad and I managed to delete most of a very long post. Still I've got some of it back thanks to the recover post function. Still type it out again after dinner.

Malnutrition

Which is what I was actually suffering from. In my case because I wasn't getting the nutrients I needed in the diet I was eating.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4524690.stm

Didn't have all the symptoms described there. But I suppose it affects people in different ways in the earlier stages. And different symptoms will show themselves first in different people depending on different cirumstances.


And even though I'm slim I might also be clinically obese. By this I mean that the ratio of fat to lean tissue in my body might be very unhealthy. I have to admit that my diet has often slid into the unhealthy zone regardless of my knowledge of nutrition. A long time knowledge that goes back to when the book A Diet For A Small Planet was published. At least I think that was what it was called. Something like that. Back in the 70's?

Then when I became a vegan I studied nutrition carefully. Could tell you what vitamins did in the body and what the results of deficiencies were. Could plan meals with precision in my head. Knew the RDA's (recommended daily amounts) of vitamins and minerals.

I used to have pleasantly defined muscles because I was very active and did quite a bit of lifting heavy items. Just diet and lifestyle did that. I used to put on muscle easily. If you're active your body does it naturally and develops a kind of memory that will keep it building muscle rather than storing lots of fat .. if you eat the right kind of diet.

And

It was one of those nights of a million guilt trips too. I've written about this before but last night wasn't very good on that score, though it's not as if I don't know, but sometimes the mind works overtime a bit. It's usually in the early hours.

You must be very *****, I'm not even sure what word you'd use there, if you've managed to get through to my age without f*cking up somewhere along the line in a pretty big way.

Very tired

I stayed up til gone two this morning so I guess it's not surprizing. Hardly slept when I did turn in. Spent the time going back in my mind to when I lived in Ladbroke Grove back in the hippy era. Lived just off Portobello Road for a while.

It was really colourful then. I first went back about ten years ago. Ofcourse time hadn't stopped there and the area had changed a lot. There was one small hippy shop in the Portobello Road though that's gone now too. I suppose the equivalent of a modern health shop was a small delicatessen that was just up from Elgin Crescent. That's gone but there's a great health shop there now.

First time I went back I walked round with a head full of memories. Some guy about my own age said hi to me but I didn't recognise him so just said hi and walked on. Wonder if I did know him back in the dayz.

I don't go there all that often unless someone's going over cause it's a bit of a journey and if anything holds up the tube it can be quite a nuisance. Well'll get a bus to Notting Hill Gate and journey back on the tube into central London from there. It's happened a couple of times.

Completion date

Well, I've given them a date as Jan 31st. The contracts haven't been signed so it's not official yet. I tacked two weeks on to the mid Jan date just incase my health gives out again. If it does get bad someone else can deal with the actual move because I'm not drawing this out any longer. I thought it would be so easy to get it sorted out. Didn't count on my health going down like that. Inflamed spine and brain membranes. My spine doesn't hurt anymore, there's just a sort of stinging feeling or itchy feeling around there sometimes and I think at the moment that has more to do with my last cold than that initial illness. It's not just in my spine either, think it's worse in my neck around where the glands are up.

And I am getting better. See other people know me better than I do myself at times. That comes as no surprise in situations like this. I'm being very good at the moment. I did go to Sainsbury's. The one out of town, and I was out in town a bit before than. But nothing else.

I did some tidying up. Not much, but some. Everytime I write something like that I feel like nicking Toolmaggot's piccie off the hippie board and sticking it up here. The expression just fits. Well, if it's the same one, haven't seen her posts this week cause I haven't been there for a week or so. I can't believe she's so young, she sometimes just creases me up. Yet I guess you know that she is too.

Oh deleted quite a bit of the rock post

I'd edited out more than I thought of that post. Just left a bit of the final paragraph. I'djust been talking about the difference I felt between the way I feel when I listen to classical music and rock and the way the instruments and beat get into my head. I guess some people must feel the same about the psychedelic type classical music as I do about rock. I don't know at all. I actually think some classical music has a much greater effect on my brain than rock. I just don't like the effects and I have no or little contact with that type of music.

Just as well there's lots of different kinds of music.

The hostages

Obviously this is impacting on me in quite a big way watching other people suffer like this. I was never a hostage but in a situation where it's only thanks to the incredible bravery of other people that I lived. They risked their own lives to save mine the first time. Without them there would've been no way out. The young guys who did save my life were extremely traumatised by what happened and it affected their lives for quite a long time afterwards,probably always will though I guess how it does will change over the years. All I can say is when you look back just think that you saved my life. That's the thing. Your bravery, risking your own lives in a big way, saved mine. There was no way without you.

When I see things like the hostage situation though it's easy to put myself in their place. Not as easy as it is with some other forms of violence, but still quite easy. It's knowing some of the thoughts that could be going through their minds and the emotions that go with them. Though we're all different and I'm only there within my own experiences.

Health

Not great still today. People say I've just got to sit in out. I think sit might be the operative word here. A couple of hours out is it for now I think. I'm told I'm getting better though and don't look as ill either. Thinks of dark circles under eyes yesterday and wonders what looking ill might've meant before.

My mind feels half asleep though. And I'm in a bit of pain but I'm not taking any pain killers so it's not that bad. My muscles are so stiff though.

From ballet to rock

Let's just say it wasn't difficult. I didn't like listening to classical music, playing classical music (we won't go there), or dancing to classical music. I didn't like watching ballet and I didn't like dancing ballet or character dancing. I didn't like having to dance in blocks dancing something I didn't like. Or for that matter Greek dancing. Someone had been a fan of Isadora Duncan and it wasn't me.

So,there's really no need to draw complicated charts. It was a pretty straight line. Kind of went The Stones Route 66 through to Deep Purple gathering folk, blues, country and West Coast music on the way. Probably quite a lot of other bits and pieces too. And I've never looked back.

I actually find some classical music a lot more shall we say psychedelic than psychedelic rock. I find it much stranger. I find some of the music, not much, just some, can do strange things with my brain cells. Really weird music. I just can't get into it. I've listened to a lot of classical music, old and new and I just don't want to sit and listen to it. Now electric guitars and electric violins playing rock that's a different story. Just thinking of that violin in The Flock's music.

Music does a lot to me. It just pulsates through my body and through my mind. I knew my mind was clearing last night when the music I was playing wasn't just getting my body moving but was also picking out the brain cells in my mind. Some guitar solos!!!

Not that it lasted long. Just bugged out with tiredness pretty soon. But long enough to know it's still all there for when I get well.

Schuh

Shoe shop: Schuh not schuz.

First time I've bought a pair of shoes from there. I think. Usually wear shoes from Camden. Though got a whole pile of them from a shop on the Portobello Road which was good. Buy a few at a time. They're my velvet Mary Janes. I've a bag of blue denim lace ups shoes for the winter but ofcourse they're not here. They're very comfortable right from the start. The canvas is a bit heavier on my new shoes and will take just a little wearing in.

Birmingham

Went out to Brum this afternoon. Bought a pair of shoes from schuz, they've got starz on them. I tried on a pair of purple canvas slip on shoes too but had trouble getting them over my insteps so that was that. The ones I've bought are rather sturdier than the Mary Janes I'm wearing. So, if it snows in the next few weeks, I'm ready.

My insteps!! Often can't get canvas slip ons on. Dancers feet apparently. My ballet teacher used to have people gathered round to look at them. Didn't help with my dancing I must say. I didn't like ballet and jeted out the door as soon as I could. Did Greek dancing too and didn't really take to being a sprite out of Pandoras box, or a lotus blossom on Ulysses travels.

The only thing I thought I'd taken away from this was an interest in Nijinsky and Erte's designs. Though later on I became interested in Indian dance after discovering Ram Gopal so those early lessons kind of paid off in the end.

I love Ravi Shankar's music too. It interests me that he likes Western classical music so much because I struggle with it but I love his music.

Had a nice time in Birmingham. Really it's just the start of saying bye to people which isn't so good really. But then if I hadn't come up here I wouldn't have met them so .................................

Despammed

Hopefully spamless

embarressed

Quite embarressed that I've been moaning about being bored. Shit, you know this is just one day out of my life. I'm sitting in a comfy flat with food. I've got no reason to really complain.

It's just this bug. I've talked to two people who're feeling much the same. Well, one's ears are just going, the other was feeling lethargic and bored. Well, at least we all have the same thing. The hearing loss and bordom bug.

I think it's just that I want get on with things and I feel too muzzy. Something was playing back in my head this morning but I didn't touch it because I know I'm just too tired. Perhaps that's part of it too. I wanted to get that done but I can't today.

Spoke to someone on the phone who said they thought that I was coming out of the last couple of days. And out of the last few weeks of illness too. Yawn. See, I'm tired. Perhaps it's easier for other people to see than me.

Anyway I bought the Complete Nutritional Health book today. Hope it mentions pasta. Think I'll go on to Uncle Ben's 10 minute brown rice soon. It's shortened it's cooking time by half since I last bought a pack I think. I used to think the 20 minute rice was great. It takes 40 minutes if you buy the untreated stuff I think. Those were the days. Buying the rice from the co operative health food store. Sometimes with added weevils. The first time we had weevils I took a few out everyday not realizing how many were waiting to introduce themselves. In the end I just took all the rice out and put it at the bottom of the garden. Only happened a couple of times. Ah, those were the days. I also cooked the only thing I can remember actually enjoying doing. It was a receipe for chilli and was absolutely lovely. I think I still have it somewhere. I can say ... look ... look. I once cooked that!!

You had to cook the sauce using fresh tomatoes which you had to skin first. And it involved cider apple vinegar. Well,it was an everything in the pot hippie wholefood cook book. I don't think I had the cider apple vinegar cookbook but you get the picture. Anyway you made this chunky sauce using these tomatoes you'd spent forever skinning and you could use it as a base for different receipes. Obviously cider apple vinegar, chilli (I can't remember if they were whole ones .. it's possible I suppose thinking of the book) and beans came into the picture somewhere along the line.

Remembers the awful veggie burger mixes.

Then there was becoming a vegan

Even worse .. remembers tasting soya milk for the first time. I was in awe of anyone who managed to drink it without feeling they wanted to be sick. Used to watch people drinking it. Graham used to swig it down and say come on it's nice. Oh,my god, it's not. It's really vile. I can't drink that. And I didn't.

I eventually got into it by drinking it with apple juice and then found some with chocolate in it which tasted ok. I can now drink the unsweetened stuff and quite like it. Don't know if the taste has changed since the early days. Some soya milk tastes nicer than others. Anyway I'm sure it's improved quite a bit over the years.

St Nicholas Day

I'll be going over before May for a couple of days I guess though not while my health is like this.

Bloggers still working very basically so I can't be putting up loads of things.

Anyway, here's a couple of links.


http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=76

http://www.stnicholascenter.org?Brix?pageID=102



They're making changes to the blogosphere. Don't know how long it's going to take. Getting rid of spam it seems. It was very secret to start off with and we weren't told a thing, but then the blogging priviledges were returned for a few days. This was followed by an explanation as the blogs went back to the no frills version.

wish I'd get better

I wish I'd get better. I'm so freaking bored.

health

Still not feeling that great. Ears a bit blocked still but not too badly. I know I'm getting better from what's going on in my head though. Some of the things that are usually there disappear for a while. Bleurggh. But everything's starting to tick over again.

It wouldn't've been much of a cold but there's still a fair amount of damage to build on. Still it's not been that bad really.

The difference

What I was tallking about yesterday wasn't anything to do with the problems that I had here before. I'd mentioned in my old blog that I'd been called on the street for quite some time here, long before I started writing here. Long before I had a blog. I'd said that it didn't worry me really because I didn't find it a problem really. Y'know you expect it to happen occasionally. It got worse though and I finally decided to say something. Why not.

The problems first started because people appeared to think I was a hippie. I talked to someone about it and they told me that there'd been people living on the outskirts of town who were hippies at one time and she thought they thought I was one of them. I also wore a ring on my ring finger on my right hand so they realised I was gay (ish) after a while too.

I noticed though as time went on that there was another sort of harrassment and I thought it was happening to deliberately provoke me into writing on my blog about it so I didn't. I was proved right.

I'm not going to say that it's ok what happened because that'd just be setting someone else up wouldn't it. Like that poor kid I read about in the paper who'd been bullied for years at school here and nothing had been done about it. Or someone else around town. I mean it wasn't just a few of the kids. On the child front I believe the local schools are going to join together to try and help children now.

I gave quite a bit to this town, more than just the money and goods I gave to the care home. I'm ok with it though. The care home's fantastic and I got to know the staff and the residents there and I just wanted to help as much as I could. The rest is ok too.

When I came back from getting the food shopping in this afternoon there was a rainbow in the sky which just seemed like a celebration of today. Quite a landmark huh. And yesterday evening I went just a little way into the Gardens, the bit on the other side of the road from the Common and I saw the low crescent moon and it seemed to have a very large star above it which was very pleasant. I don't remember much about the night sky and it's a long time since I've really gone out there and looked, apart from just occasionally, and for all I know it might've been a satelitte. But probably is a star I guess. Was really nice standing there in the dusk, just by gates, looking at the moon and the star and the silhouettes of the trees. There was a slight perfume in the air too,I guess from the trees. I just stood there for a while looking at it all.

And the other change

Is that I now believe that there's more to life than meets the eye. Have to admit that my first reaction still is to dismiss what people tell me and I still have to catch myself.

I did it automatically the other day and didn't even realise. Yet the person was saying much the same as I have in some ways. It was a couple of days before I even realised what I'd done. I just had to go back over my thoughts and see where they'd gone.

I couldn't've really asked a lot of questions though and that's me. I really like to. And you can't probe in situations like that.

A lot of people know about what I posted up here. And everyone I've talked to has accepted it. It's just fact that's what happened. It didn't worry anyone. A couple of people thanked me for telling them.

I am going to the Koestler Institute. I just want to discuss things with people who've heard it all many, many times before.

Oh my

It seems the "Edited" post is so good that it published twice.

I'll go back and delete one

Mojo Magazine

I bought Mojo magazine today because the disc, which is Born in the USA Vol 1, on it kind of complimented the dvd I watched yesterday. Tracks by Hank Williams,The Doc Watson Family, Leadbelly,Woody Guthrie,Jelly Roll Morton, Odetta,Josh White,Son House, Sonny Terry and Brownie McGhee, The Greenbriar Boys, The Stanley Brothers, New Lost City Ramblers, Ian & Sylvia, The Gosdin Brothers, and Cisco Houston.

Ofcourse I don't know all these people, though I do most of them infact.

I really like Odetta. And this brings back memories of a Josh White/Leadbelly album I used to have.

Edited

Have edited Changes post to read ... personality disorders 101 (or similar). Thought I'd add the "or similar"

Here

And quite a lot of us know where that is. It became quite apparent after I'd thanked the people who'd helped me through the worst of the illness that some people here were deliberately trying to provoke me into saying something bad about the town. I had wondered, which was why I stopped giving details, but I wasn't sure.

I think they were just enjoying the situation. I wasn't sure for a long time but the eventual timing just proved my point.

Case proven.

Changes

The biggest change in me comes from seeing the carers at work in the nursing home day after day. It's not the first time I've seen people at work like this but I was in their company for long periods of time here. I was really impressed and just wished that I could do what they did. I've never been very good at hands on caring. Well, I learnt quite a bit by just watching them. Before I hadn't really noticed quite so much of what they did.

Also when I came up here I was still had physical reactions to some of the things I'd experienced. Not greatly so but there were things. Not that I thought about what had happened. I liked people to keep their distance rather though. I don't give a damn anymore. My friends want to hug me. Well,bring it on. And that's because of some of the people I've met here.

The other kind I don't give a f*ck about. I've been in quite a few difficult conditions in my life and I don't suffer from post traumatic stress and I don't have flash backs. Here, the people who were abusive don't even come on the radar screen. I don't give brain space to abusive people like that unless I need to go back for information. You know: personality disorders 101 (or similar). And that's the advice I give to other people too and lots of people have found it very helpful. Your mind is for your friends in or out of your family. I mean why would you want to give space to these people. They want to be like psychic vampires sucking away at your time. Give your thoughts and your time to your friends.

New Scientist I believe has an article on getting rid of unwanted memories. I'll read it and might summarize it here. I'm lucky I guess because I'm not particularly bothered by them. My mind seems to do that automatically unless I want to fish back for information.

Though I might add that I go through mourning but I'm pleased to do that. It's a natural thing to do and little in return for having known someone who meant a lot to me. The first time I went through mourning it was a shock,it was for a close friend of mine, but I said to myself then would I rather have not have known her than have to go through this. And that just sorted out how I felt about it all. And I'm still the same.

Leaving

Thinking quite a bit about being in London. Be great seeing old friends again. Just visiting for the day isn't the same. I'll be up in Camden buying shoes to start off with. My Mary Janes should just about hold out for the next few weeks. Vegan food from Fresh and Wild!!!!!!!!!!!! Wraps and individual vegan cottage pies.

I'll go over to Ladbroke Grove and over to the East End. Infact I'll go everywhere.

I'll miss Birmingham's ethnic shops. I've loved going round those. It's not the same in London and I will miss them. Though I will be visiting here and hopefully I can go and see them when I come back.

My mind's been getting ready to go for a while. Walking in the park here for some reason or other I've started thinking about the children's play area in Battersea Park, don't know why but I hardly ever used to go over there and always felt as if I'd lost my bearings a bit. Don't know why that bit comes to mind though. I keep on seeing things that remind me of London now.

I'll be going to Amsterdam in the Spring too.

Newport Folk Festival dvd

I watched the "Festival" dvd,Newport Folk Festival 1963-1966. I bought it because it has a clip of Buffy Sainte Marie on it. I didn't think I was going to like it that much to start off with. I quite like Peter, Paul and Mary and that type of folk but not too much of it and I got seriously worried when The Blue Ridge Mountain dancers came on, soon to be followed by Pete Seeger. Peter, Paul and Mary had been on earlier.

I'm not a great fan of Pete Seeger, infact not a fan at all. Unfortunately the clip of Buffy Sainte Marie came on right after Pete Seeger and then I found out that she was sandwiched between two Pete Seeger songs so there was no escape as there's not an individual artist choice on the dvd, just chapters. So, it's Pete Seeger singing "Green Corn" and then Buffy Sainte Marie singing "Codeine" not two songs that really go together I'd've thought. And I wish they didn't here. Mentally ups her a few chapters on to when Son House is singing.

I was wrong in thinking that I might not like the dvd. I found it brilliant, didn't matter that it was in black and white.

Favourite tracks.

Well, obviously Buffy Sainte Marie, but also Son House, Odetta who was just brilliant, Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Donovan, Brownie McGhee and Sonny Terry, Mississipi John Hurt, Paul Butterfield, Howling Wolf, Johnny Cash, and The Osborne Brothers who I can't remember hearing before but who just totally fascinated me with their mixture of blues phrasing and country. Will find out more about them.

Track list.

http://www.cduniverse.com/productinfo.asp?pid=6974870


Links aren't working directly again

Still ill though

I'm still so stiff, it affects everything, from my voice to walking and even sitting. I guess I know I'll get better, guess I know that it sure isn't going to be overnight now. But still, just take one day at a time huh.

This last cold hasn't been too bad. It's got my throat, my muscles are already stiff there and really affect my voice. My ears are a bit fuzzy again too, I decided to wash my hair this morning and that was just it as far as they were concerned. Not too bad though and has got better through the day. I'm just trying to be more careful than I was before. I must admit I hadn't really been looking after myself very well for some time.

I know I'm getting over this bug though because my feet are starting to tap again, body starting to move in time with the music again. That goes when fever hits and comes pulsating back as I start to feel better.

But there are a lot of colds round here at the moment. Let's hope this one was the last for a while.

Crosses toes.

The protests

Well, obviously I didn't go. I didn't even go out of town today. Had stayed out too long yesterday and was tired, and have a slight sore throat and maybe my voice is starting to go. Other than that I don't feel too bad. But thought a little about the protests and why they're happening.

Sort of tied my thoughts in with the change in the Gulf Stream. And thought of the summer in Spain this year, the drought caused I believe by the difference in the Gulf Stream.

I thought,y'know, something really ought to be being sort of like y'know, really, really done. Y'know that really, really wasn't very good at all. And I'm starting to get a bit frazzled by politicians who are talking about effects in 2060 and even 2025.

Surely we should be taking another route as well and talking more about what can be done right now. Y'know everyone.

Guess we'll have to see what happens at the conference.

Completion

I'm giving a date for the completion of the selling of the flat to my solicitor next week. Be early to mid Jan. I'd've gone earlier if I hadn't been so ill. There've been other problems.I'm giving the furniture away and a bereavement has slowed things down there. But as there will now be a few weeks to go I can wait with no problems. All in all the date has worked out for the best for everyone closely involved one way or another.

Well I leave here with more experience under my belt. I suppose I must be very different from the person that arrived here to look after someone who was ill. I'm glad that I made that decision. It's not just what I gave the other person but I'm pleased with what I've learnt here. Most of which I couldn't have predicted, and that which I'd've realised that I was going to get has probably turned out much deeper than I could ever have imagined.

Different faces in my mind from when I came here. I know that I've touched quite a few lives. I'm leaving here with new friends.

The blogs?!!! Well, if I hadn't been here in this situation it'd've never have occured to me to start one I don't think. Maybe I would have. Who knows, but I don't think so.

When I think why I started journalling. Snort. Ha ha ha ha ha. You just do not know. Or well, most of you won't. Shakes head. Eyes cross. De cross. Cross. De cross. Cross. De cross.

Maybe blogging would've attracted me in the end though. I just do not know.

Thinking back to the first time I got off the train here and walked up the High Street. Probably wearing a pair of striped hippy trousers, some hippyish t shirt and my bags slung over my shoulders. It's possible I might've been more conventionally dressed the first time I came up. Can't remember.

I had been very ill and was also recovering from some unpleasant injuries. My memory was blown but I had enough coping skills to see me through and make me competent enough to do what needed doing here. Life had seen to that.

I thought I'd just be up occasionally to start off with. I had no idea what the illness I was coming up to help with really meant. None at all. I wish things hadn't turned out the way they had. But at least I was able to cope with what happened. I got better as time went on and have recovered to how I am now. Just having to recover from what I did to myself now huh.

I am eating a very healthy dinner. Yes, I know it's 10.00 here. I didn't get in til quite late I guess.

Well, now I know roughly when I'll be going.

I'm glad that I chose to do what I did.

Yeah.

Family

Well, talking about family. I have no "family" now. Not in the blood line sense. They've all gone. But the meaning of family has shifted in my life. It's widened into the community.

Information

Some of the stuff I put up is just to give information to people if they want to go out and find out more. And sometimes I write just to put out information. I said I wouldn't write about anything which seemed revn remotely esoteric here but I'll put this up as I've posted on one of the boards I'm on. In fact I'm just copying it.

......................

I have quite a few too but will just write about this one. It's something that made my mother's passing a bit easier for her I'd think.

My mother was scared of dying. She'd lived her last years with a number of unpleasant conditions which made her life very difficult. A couple of days before she died I took her in a cd which I thought was going to be a wave lapping relaxation cd, she liked that kind of thing and we often listened to sea with music, birdsong with music,animal sounds with music. She was suffering from dementia, just one of her conditions, and she often used to think that we were by the sea or out in ther country near a farm and it relaxed her.

I put this cd on and it turned out to be a meditational journey up a river to your own special place, a place of peace. When I realised what it was I was quite worried because I realised the connection between this kind of journey and dying and my mum wasn't that far out of it all the time not to be able to make the connection herself.

She sat there listening intently and saying yes, yes to what she was hearing and it became obvious that she thought she was listening to something supernatural and that she was being given instructions for her journey. I left the room for a while and when I came back she gave me this happy and knowing look. For the next couple of days she was much more relaxed than usual and the fear seemed to have gone. She died peacefully in her sleep about a couple of days after hearing the cd.

And believe me it was a release. She was just about to go into a really dreadful stage of her illness.


That was the first post and then I wrote this later on in reply.


The first couple of sentences are in reply to something else.

Something has been going on. It's possible. What happened here was that my mum was very, very ill and just going into a dreadful stage of her illness. She had a number of appalling illnesses and her skin had started to degrade because she had skin cancer. She'd have soon been bed bound which would've meant there would be pressure where the skin was going. She was in a lot of pain and her mind was going. There was a lot more too. She had fought to stay alive. I had seen someone who had ended up as she was going to, demented and more or less totally paralysed. This person didn't have all her other problems. I couldn't bear to think of her in this condition. I'd said a couple of days before she died "Please let her go" "Don't make her go through this" She'd already suffered so much and the next stage was going to be even worse.

Picked up a cd I'd bought earlier. I had a collection of cds , you know rainfall, sea and things like that which I used to take in to play. I hadn't taken this one in before and had no idea what it was, just thought it was another naturey relaxation cd.

It was different and took her on that journey that gave her peace.


She died two days later peacefully in her sleep.

Learning

There seem to be two sides to what I'm learning. I suppose I see one side as the outer side, the side that is for work, and the inner side, the side that's for home. There's a cross over between most of them though. The outer side is more to do with the languages, law and politics. Anything that's learnt for life out of here. But the inner side in the main goes outwardly too. Learning meditation will have an effect on my life outside.

I'm learning other things too, like different forms of massage. Well, I know how to massage. I learnt back in the days when I learnt yoga and it's come in useful in many different situations in my life. I'm looking back into it though.

Other things too. Just started watching a dvd that started by quoting an old saying - You have come here to find what you already have.

Taoism

Taking things easy

I realised that I had another cold when I woke up this morning. So that's why I came over cold the other evening. I thought it probably was. Doesn't seem too bad so far. Bit of a headache and I'm aware I'm thinking slower than usual. At the moment more of my swelling's going down which is good. So it's not a bad cold otherwise it'd be the other way round, it'd be getting worse.

I've stayed in for most of the day because I'm not risking making things any worse. I'm well enough now to be very aware of the difference between feeling reasonably well and not and what it means as far as what I can do. It's different with each illness. I suppose what worries me the most is my mind not functioning. I'm just not prepared to risk it anymore.