Gud night

Well on me way to sleep now .. but I guess almost leaving that out was not good. Whenever I've asked for a sign ... I've always been given one .. without fail!! Maybe I should stop doing it because it shows that I still have trouble coming to terms with this even though I know I'm being daft.

Always ... without fail.

No .. it is a good part of not feeling lonely .. though different from the rest.

But how would I feel if any part of the whole scenario missing.

Would I be without my friends even though I had the rest in my life. Would I without being ok with my own company ... or ... if I didn't have my interests but had the rest.

While I had trouble accepting this maybe .. but I don't now .. I accept that it's totally possible given that all the rest does.

I've got a scientific article to read on the present theories of the creation of the universe which should be interesting and one entitled spirituality versus religion which should be interesting too.

Loneliness

On one board someone posted about loneliness ... obviously I can't say anything about the posts because it is one of my private boards and that would be breaking peoples confidences. But the general question for us was had any of us ever been really lonely .. and mentioned even when there were other people around.



I'm arely lonely .. just a passing thought occasionally .. but never desperately so . I have people in my life who I can trust and who know they can trust me and I'm comfortable with my own company ... even if I'm not doing all I should ... lol!!!

Sigh one day I will get the meditation thing going properly again and me exercices. I will do five minutes of meditation before bed tonight.

Then to sleep if I can .. anyway the meditation will help with the loss of sleep. That is one of its benefits. It rests the mind in a similar way. Though isn't for everyone ... having said that there are a number of different kinds of meditation .. so probably there could be something for everyone .. if not I guess Mr Ousby's relaxation method that I wrote about some time ago could help.

But .. no .. I'm not lonely. Not at all. I have been at times and when I've been living with someone .. but not now. Now my interests and the people I know and being able to enjoy my own company stop the loneliness.

I am astounded at the number of people who do feel so lonely even though they are with other people.

Anyway .. I'm off to bed now .. and to meditate for five mins.

lol!!!

Ofcourse my new(ish) found view of life helps too. I hadn't really thought about it in connection with loneliness .. more with how it helped me cope with my illnesses. It all pottered very firmly into my life just before I became very ill .. except for a few incidents that really helped other people with me being the sort of catalyst for that happening .. and the occasional small thing when I got curious.

But I guess that really helps too.

.....

Right sorted that out after a spot of bovver with a link .. probably for the best as the first link I put up was a short points presentation while the one replacing it is has more to read .. filling out those points a bit more.

Anyway .. it's down a few entries under the title of the four horsemen ..

Not once ... but twice

It's there twice ... lol!!!!!

Ah ... but not all of it on one page that was saved.

Is it there or is it not

Now .. I've got to go and look and see if the post I prepared earlier is still around .. well, half prepared earlier.

I had to dash out .. and left it .. but hopefully it was automatically saved .. but having said that .. I lost one totally the other evening which I didn't think was possible now there's the automatic saving ... I had two pages up at once. I accidentally turned the computer off and one bit of blogging was saved but what I'd written on the othwer one just vanished. I guess the connection to the net must've been off .... but I got no warning .. though this does happen and I go to click on the net connection icon and find I can still disconnect which I do and then reconnect to get everything working again.

Sigh .. and .. yes .. I am on broadband now!!

And .. so is me bruuver!!! Those who know me well know the story ... sigh!!! lol. Well lol now that it's all sorted out but what a kerrfuffle. Only took about four months!! Anyway I'm so pleased that that's sorted.

And fer those who've been here from the beginning ... and don't know us .. yes .. he did get better.

Me arm's on the move again

Yippee!! I can move my arm much more today!! Managed to get my jacket on and off without too much trouble whereas since me last trip to hospital it's been a bit like trying to imitate Houdini or something like that. To be honest I didn't think it was going to get much better .. can hardly believe it.

That wasn't what I was going to write about .. well .. cause I didnae know it was gonna happen .. I don't feel any different. Went to put my jacket on .. right sleeve ok as usual ... then left sleeve which I thought was going to the the usual fight it's been for the last few weeks .. ok too!!

Brilliant!! Absolutely no signs that anything had changed and I still have a bit of a cold which would, if anything, made me stiffen up a bit more than usual.

I really thought that wasn't going to change and it was making things quite difficult ... but there u go.

The four horsemen

Most of me mates have the occasional peek into the bag .. it's a bit too big for a lot of them to read much of it. I really like reading there .. was a member once and posted as well as read but it can take over your life in a way ... but it's very good as a grounding in lots of things .. even the spirituality forum just goes to show how you can be taken for a mug .. as does the relationships forum.


I like it too cause they have good relationship threads now and then too to show that it's not all doom and gloom. Though a relationships forum will mainly be full of problems cause people are usually there asking for advice. I've learnt a lot reading it .. sometimes the nose has been metaphorically pressed against the screen for hours reading.


I said I'd search something out for someone after they'd read something on there and then tried to Google for more information but couldn't find anything. This was cause they'd tried for the whole name and it weren't quite right .. though all the info given was.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4823861

It says it's the second installment of the series but that's what came up when I googled for the four horsemen. I haven't listened to it but I guess that's the bit that has the relevant information in it.

And this one

http://bardos.net/resources/articles/Four%20Relationship%20Poisons.pdf

I put another one up earlier but had a bit of trouble with the link .. the new one is a longer read anyway while concentrating on the four horsemen principle.

Think the problem with the link might have something to do with it being automatically being saved as I corrected it ... but never mind .. this one's got more to read. The other one was more of a points presentation.

.... cont

It's very interesting .. possibly for the first time in her life the young woman has had some of her own kind of behaviour returned to her by someone she thought of us a friend ... and it's reduced her to tears.

Now she's been put in a position where she either has to tell the truth to get herself out of trouble and let her "friend" take the rap for something she did. Why the "friend" behaved like this is really hard to tell cause what she did was really small .. and now there's going to be a lot more trouble.

Really weird.

Anyway .. see what happens now.

....etc

Well ... maybe I would have been a good parent .. me friends seem to think I would be. Was thinking this morning after getting more news from the "home front" so to speak .. that I would definitely be involving the authorities .. starting with a trip to the doctor. There is definitely something wrong .. and I/or me + rest of family wouldn't be coping with it alone.

This young woman has a cool family and she's trying to blow it apart. For no reason.

She's another one who's going to be leaving home in the not too distant future whether she wants to or not. There seems to be quite an attitude going around that wasn't there in my younger day that you either behave .. well, to a certain extent .. or you go!!

I was talking to one of me mates in London too where things aren't good and people are really on a road to nowhere. I know how it all started .. I wrote about it in one of my early blogs .. where young people were just trying to protect themselves .. still are .. but it was a bit different then and more on an individual basis where now people are getting into groups of people so large that they are never going to meet most of the people they're connected to. Very different from The States. When I first started writing looking for protection was more on a basis of not wanting your mobile to be nicked.


The country is just loosing a grip to be honest .. and no one really seems to be able to do anything about it .. or they don't care .. or even seem to support it.


Someone I know was really ill last night and there was no doctor to come out where he was .. luckily he was ok .. he has a chest infection but he also has other conditions even though he goes to work. I suppose he should have rang for an ambulance because he was in a lot of pain and he has a couple of serious conditions even though he's a young man in his thirties .. but he stuck it out all night .. not being quite with it cause of the pain and fever. He's got an emergency appointment this morning.

It's just the lack of real caring from the services that gets me .. dentists too. It's not a good attitude to be passing on.

And .. from the sad discussion I had this morning it sounds as if things will get worse because to be honest there're a lot more on lots of young people's minds than school work these days. And that could lead to less and less really innovative people here .. some because they're not giving the time to work and others because they're leaving the country as soon as they've got the relative qualifications and experience .. seems to some extent there's a feeling that you either give up or get out.

So many of the local post offices are closing back in my area of London too .. not just the small ones as you'd believe but the major ones too and the ones that are still open have less windows open to serve people with the queues reaching the doors all through the day .. and a lot of these are under review too.

It seems there's really a spiral downwards ..to get a country on its feet you need innovative people but the conditions that are here aren't the sort to provide that are they on the whole. The more you put in the more you get back. I know at the moment the UK is doing relatively ok but what is happening here isn't providing a background for a healthy future.

You need to work together when things are going down the plug hole this fast.

But .. ofcourse .. there's so much trying to break a continuity up .. racism .. misogyny .. homophobia, classism etc ..

Often by people who say they have an interest in the country!!!??

..... zzzzzzzzzz ...... oh dear .......zzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!

Every so often someone asks me if I'd've liked to have had kids. I know of three families who are "divorcing" their kids at 16 .. well, one from each family .. though there might be the chance of another going cause she's started immitating her sister now.

When I used to think of having kids when I was very young I used to think I'd make sure that they had a happy life to the best extent that I could and that I could learn from the mistakes my parents had made. I think a lot of think that way. Our kids are going to be the happiest in the world so to speak.

At the moment I know more families where the parents are unhappy with the kids than the other way round .. which is pretty unusual. Out of the three cases I've mentioned .. two have both emotional and physical violence coming from the child .. both alcohol and?or drug fuelled. I know that this did happen in my youth too but hardly to the extent it is now. I mentioned one not getting any help even though it was asked for a few months back. The latest one is approx a year younger than that one. Both families have said that they've really tried and they have.

So much for the fluffybunnikins version of do you wish you'd had children?

Well, maybe if I could've had some choice in how they turn out. Another mum said to me not so long ago that she wondered what the future would be like with her son so she's making the best of what she's got now ... he's only four!!!

I suppose I'd've struggled on whatever. I know how difficult it can be to parent .. it's not easy at all and parents are just people.

I was thinking today it would've been just my luck to get baaabeee psychopath but they'd still be little Jane or John in the family. I don't think I was really up for parenting because I'd've found it very hard to cope if that happened.

Was thinking about how I'd've raised the child .. what sort of ideals I'd've wanted to put down doe him/her while still letting them be there own person and all that kind of thing. How I'd encourage them through

It would've been a very difficult decision to make. Today, after listening to my friend's woes I thought .... no. She has another child who is lovely ... they're both in their teens .. and the one who has always been rather aloof and not much into cuddles.

Continued tomorrow ... I've got to go to bed ... I'm tired

..........

I've spoken to so many people here who are interested in all this .. I think it's an older persons interest though really to be honest. I know that's not so right across the board. But people are more drawn to finding out as they age. I think religion is more for younger people .. well, older people too .. but, in general .. finding out and investigating the world of spirit is more for us older people. I believe it was very popular in WW2 as well for obvious reasons. Though I didn't intend to become involved or to investigate anything .. but the experiences were rather persistant.

OK ... I've changed my mind .. it's really back down to discussing things with people u know and trust.

Anyway I 've deleted that but I'll leave the bit in that followed ........

This is what I mean .. these people know and trust me .. and know I wouldn't even think of pulling their leg. It's much too serious and emotive a subject .. and they know about my search before which left me finding out zero and becoming really cynical. I've told them a bit about what's happened to me .. not much but enough and a couple of other people's stories that I thought were good for kids. I'd like to write them down so that they're not forgotten in the way I told them just incase they're arround for a while and nattered about .. but perhaps the mumsies and dadsies can do that ...lol!!! I'm a bit on the slow side!!!!

It's not a subject that's tangible .. so trust or having your own experiences has to be the bottom line. If you don't trust then don't read .. go and find someone who you can feel you know well enough. I'd've thought reading something you don't believe in would actually set you up for a pretty hard time when something happens in your own or someone you know's life.

.....

Still ... page by page!!! The last guy whose books I said that he didn't give everything out about his personal experiences either. Well, there's so much out there that you can keep them as your own valued experiences can't you and there's still enough for everyone to read.

I think everyone has them ... but some people just let them go. I found out back in my 30s that the next stage will go if you ask them too. Well, I was so scared I didn't so much as ask .. as tell in rather blunt language after coming home one day ... just a wee bit frazzled.

So ... I probably did believe in something .. or, at least I did by the end of those few weeks .. and I wasn't pleased .. at least not at what was happening. There I was just a pottering through life and then ......... it started to change direction .. and not at my request!!!! But went back after the hissy fit blown when I arrived back home that day.

Um ... "go away" ... I said.

I've found out since then that what I was experiencing isn't that unusual as being something a person notices first. Well, I've come across three people who've experienced more or less the same. My experience back then makes me wonder now just how easy it is to stop it ... possibly unwittingly too ..... just by a reaction.

I'd've thought that if I'd thought about it properly I'd've wanted to be able to explore. Somewhere along the line I must've realised that something was going on by how I responded.

Anyway .. talking about things last night and the availability of material just like my experiences out there and the authors .. if it just HAS to be yours .. regardless of how personal .. then it's forraging for gossip. Different if you're talking to people you know and trust and who know and trust you.

I've given a few of mine out for people so that they won't be scared if something like that happens to them. I have to say that I'm someone who doesn't hallucinate generally .. and if I did anyway .. what I saw was rather different in as much as there were facets to it that I couldn't place which were very obvious. I was wide awake when I saw it .. and sat up while it was still there. I felt quite ill for about a month afterwards and very, very tired. It's something I would rather didn't happen again. And .. to be honest .. I don't think it was the start of an out of the body experience even though I know of one person who had one who too saw colours that she didn't recognise and who had no way of describing them because there was no comparative knowledge in her brain. There was more than that though .. more that I didn't recognise and now have no way of really

I have got someone quite close to me who's had an out of the body experience and disliked it intensely .. just wanted it to be over. Think I've mentioned it a couple of times .. therre was nothing much to it .. I've heard that fear can stop an OBE pretty much in its tracks. Which is reassuring. I wouldn't mind now anyway.

I've spoken to one person whose had a NDE .. pretty emotive experience as it happened in childbirth. What she had to say was pretty much what I'd read about other people .. though very much on the short side. Like most other people who've had this experience it changed her outlook on life profoundly. Though she was pretty cool before and had guided herself through some very hard times.

It's interesting.

Pottering off to Waterstones

The day started off nice and sunny ... and so I said it'll be great to just try and get out for a while .. but it's changed and the rain is here again. It's not too bad but I'll be taking my umbrella out with me .. the first time I've used it since my arm was affected. It wasn't that easy to use before ... I'll have to see how it goes this time.



A potter to Waterstones .. rest .. and let my body get used to the changes .. and then on again.

It's not easy but that's the way it has to be.



Again, going back to what I keep on talking about .. it's spirit that has given me the strength to get through this. Or, it would've been much harder without that side of it. If it hadn't things would've been much different I'm sure. I look at things with a different attitude now .. as I said the fear has gone.



But it's been the personal side that's removed them. I don't know if I'd been watching the TV if I would've gone to explore ... don't think so though .. though you never know. I know that lots of people do either after the passing of someone close to them or when they are very ill themselves. I might have too .. I don't know.



I more or less found meself plonked there .. willing or not!!!!!



Back 2 skool so 2 speak.



It's been very interesting .... though it was a bit frightening at the beginning ... probably if I'd watched the TV stuff from what I think .. I don't know cause I've never seen it ... that I might've been a lot more frightened. As it turned out there was nothing to be scared of at all.

Gosh ... listen to the winds starting to blow out there again .. it is ... raining .. so I'll have to test out me umbrella skills .. I should be ok.

and ... onwards

I'll be learning my languages again. While I was in hospital last time I read about a primary school in London where there are children from all over the world speaking 40 different languages. Think the school is Newbury Park primary. Noticed one of the languages spoken was Arabic but no one there spoke Dutch .. well, not as a first language anyway. Think both Mandarin and Cantonese was spoken there too.

The school was learning some basic sentences in all the languages that were spoken at the school so that people could greet each other in their first language .... I thought that was really great and by the sounds of it quite a bit of fun. They were hoping that people would learn a few phrases in each language before they went on to senior school.

Another primary school in East London has been teaching the children philosophy to try and teach them another way to think things through.

I read about this on the Beeb news site so hopefully I'll be able to find a link

Yes ... got it:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/7232693.stm

Nice to see that the course has really helped.

Page by page!!!

Still reading though just a bit at a time .. I'm a bit too tired at the moment to really settle down with a book. It's very interesting though`.. guess I wouldn't have read it once but now I find it fascinating.

I'll start writing things down so that I don't forget them . There's quite a lot to remember ... it's like having been at school!!! Sheeeesh!!!!! It's been a pleasure though ... nothing scarey at all ... though I managed to be a bit frightened for a while .. though people did keep on telling me there was nothing to be frightened of even people who hadn't had any of the experiences themselves. But .. it is a bit scarey just having to acknowledge that there very much seems to be much more than this.

I didn't really want to respond back .. which I suppose was a bit daft ... considering how ill I am. When I get home I'll certainly potter along to services and things.

Well .. as usual .. up, medicated and sorted

Just been going round saying thanks to people. Taken me quite a long time!!!!! Up, fed and medicated ..... though I'm not feeling too great this morning ... I've got a cold and that often pushes my pain levels up a bit. But ... no sneezing spasms so far ... non yesterday and none today. I've felt a little queasy before sneezing but that's as bad as it's got ... no sickness.

Still haven't been getting much sleep .. queasyness and pain don't help too much in that respect I guess. I get so tired but still don't go to sleep. Can remember when I'd sleep for twelve hours or so on the trot when this illness first started. Was saying earlier wish I could do that again ... but then .. do I really .. wouldn't leave much time to get much done. I'm tired now but if I was asleep I couldn't've done what I've been doing this morning so I guess eight hours would be nice.

Me keyboard's much better this morning .. it just needed a tiny bit of adjusting .. guess a couple of keys had been put a bit out of kilter when it fell on the floor. Anyway it turned out to be really easy to put right.

Been a bit of time worrying about a friend but he's reasonably ok. He's much younger than me and is rather ill. He works hard despite all his problems supported by his lovely partner. Yesterday he wasn't well at all. I don't know if it's the rheumatism/arthritis that was making everything so difficult yesterday or if was something to do with his underlying illness. I suspect it might've been a slight cold that got him feeling so ill again.

Today ... well, I've got to do a bit of sorting and tidying up .. slowly but surely. Can't do much in the mornings really cause I have to wait til my pain levels are controlled to a certain level but I'll sort things out a bit.

Do a little everyday now .. and then when that's done I'll feel more like getting on with other things I guess.

Back from the docs and Tesco

Well ... I've remembered ... not that I'd actually forgotten .... but she'd said it twice .. once about half way through the reading and then again right at the end and I wasn't quite sure if she'd just repeated it to uinderline it or if was part of the three things she'd given me from mum so to speak. It was the latter. It was serious while the other two were more flippant .. and she might've just underlined it again.

When I'm talking to other people about this I illustrate it with one of the three things she said after I asked. It's not too personal I guess but it illustrates my point well enough.

I've found it quite hard to accept all this .. much harder than the people I've spoken to. After "quite" a while I had to admit that the reality of it was that if I carried on rejecting it all then I had quite a problem .. though I still found it difficult. It just didn't fit in with my eye view of the world .. yet, it wouldn't stop happening.

I find now that when other people tell me about their experiences I find it much easier to relate to those that are like mine rather than those that are very different.

A reason to say about having your own or talking to friends and family ... you know more about the people who are talking if they are friends and family.. The few books I've read have been good too because I can relate to them.

.........

Well, up, fed and medicated again and done a bit of tidying up. Read a bit more of my book. ... but not much ... I'm tired so have had a bit of trouble concentrating.

Been on the net chatting a bit. Still talk quite a bit about Colin Fry and all. Talking about belief .. and how people have their own belief systems. Wot .. I've been saying all along .. and why I say go and find out for yourself!! If you don't believe in this type of thing and lots of people don't ... only finding out for yourself can change you not believing. Anybody could talk for ages and ages and it wouldn't change a thing.

But .. I decided to write about some of it anyway. The books are there for anyone that's interested to read and talk about. The library's there, the TV and radio are there. The woman I met to talk to the other day tells me there's a programme on Radio Warwickshire on Sunday mornings that deals with religion and spirituality for three hours. So .. there's lots to be going on with.

I'm going to start having a go at making me little booklets again soon. They'll all be much of a muchness. Start writing down what I can and then turn it into booklet form with illustrations and things. Might make copies but I'd like them to be personal really and slightly different.

The person I was talking to this morning thinks it'll be good. Pity I didn't keep a note of things through time but I didn't realise that I actually would forget some things. Well, you wouldn't would you. I didn't talk about it all or write it down so some things are lost unless they come back when me sleep patterns improve. Quite a few people are making this type of booklet now it seems ... covering all sorts of things that they think will interest their families. I keep on talking about this ... but am still only half way through my first one!!! I gave him one of the cut price books from The Works anyway and he knows about some of my experiences.

Um

I think I might need a new keyboard. I'll give this one a bit of a tidy up ... but it hasn't been working too well for quite a while now ... but I guess it's quite old .. it's the one I bought when I put the fizzy paracetamol in with some diet coke ........... whoops ......... next to the computer. See what I can do.

and

Well, even though I don't like the surmizing ... because I don't think we could understand all that much where we're kinda reborn to over where ever it is .. I think that because I didn't recognise things or colours I saw. Away from it my mind has no way of describing it .. I have the memory of my own reactions. I wrote about all this then though, didn't I. I'd imagine most people who read then are still reading now or know about it one way or another. I don't think it would be that good an idea anyway even if everything had been instantly recognisable.

I'm really tired ..... so ........



zzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Wow ... half past eleven.

I'm on a great place on the net .. well, it'll have it's ups and downs I guess but all in all it's great .. lots of friendly people .. and we get on together well .. talking through differences and just generally being ... well, friendly.


I, ofcourse ... generally manage to get the word "experiences" in pretty quickly chatting to people in the "have you had any" way .. and have been happy with the response.

Well, it's interesting. I tell'em mine .. or, a couple of them .. and the response is good.


Someone I met early on ... I think I blogged about this too .. said not to tell people anything .. just keep it to yourself. I did actually write quite a bit both in my blogs and on some boards. On one board people were discussing things like this from time to time before I arrived .. so I felt ok. But things varied a lot from that to the board which was meant to be about things like this but where they seened not to discuss it at all .. at least not in the part of the board that was on public view .. and the discussions for general reading made it appear that no-one had anything much to talk about anyway.


I think I mentioned that one person was having much the same experience that I did the first time around .. second time I'd heard that. But that was about it

I haven't watched any tv shows about things like this .. though lots of people have so I guess thet know more about it than me. Never seen the two guys whose books I'm reading except in magazines or on the covers of their books.


I've started reading one of Colin Fry's books and I see we've drawn some of the same conclusions.

I started to think this about NDE's after reading Dr Moores books all those years ago .. thanks Help 71!!! Reminds me of Jackie .. thinking back to those days and there .. gosh .. thinking of her brings some memories back doesn't it. Wonderful woman. I'm very glad now that I read the books back then .. they've always stayed in my mind.

I didn't believe in life continuing in those days butI thought the same things about the NDE that I do now.

I realise that I could die any time now really ... I mean that's been obvious right from the start of this illness .. I think it has a mortality rate of 2 in 10 people. I said some time ago what it is and I think it's that. It's been obvious physically that I'm not one of the people who have responded very well to treatment and my medication at the levels I've had to take it for a while is quite toxic .. but not as toxic as some of the next step treatment.

I don't know how I'd've responded if I'd not had the experiences I had before becoming so ill ... but they took the fear away. Not that I was ever that scared of dying for some reason or other anyway. But maybe looking after mum had made me a bit more vulnerable. I was glad she died so at peace .. the result of one of my experiences it seems!!!! I told the person in Warwick who was kind of partially responsible for this. She was just about to go into a very difficult stage of her illness .. you couldn't wish for them to suffer like that however much you wanted them to stay around ... it would've been appalling. Luckily mum's belief in this kind of thing facillitated what happened to put her mind at rest too.


Asking someone for proof that she is still around in spirit and getting it put my mind at rest. I was saying to someone yesterday evening ... I met someone who occasionally goes to service .. and told her that although I was told three things and all three things came true .. I have actually forgotten one now .. can remember the other two .. but one has pottered off. I was wondering if the person who told me can remember .. I found her phone number today .. was doing a little bit of sorting and thinking I hope I find it .. I had thrown some bits of paper and notebooks away .. but it was on the next bit of paper I picked up ... phew ... I don't want to lose it. Passed it on too just incase it does somehow get lost again.

I don't think you ever really get over people's deaths or it's hard for a lot of us. It's still not easy. I don't know how people generally approach their own ... people don't often talk about it. I was reading some guys article on the latter in one of the papers a few weeks ago and his response seemed to be much the same as mind if I took time out to think about it .. but it's not something that I really ever dwelt upon for very long .. ten minutes every few years. Just once when thinking through something.

I'm not scared at all now. I wish mum was here ... though not in the condition she was in .. no-one would wish that on any one .. well, not if they had an ounce of compassion.

Anyway .. I do agree with what I've read so far .. I said before that I thought spirituality was something to do with what you took with you when you left here or passed to another plane or whatever terminology you want to use and he said much the same thing .. that you are creating your own reality.

There's a lot of surmising going on ..and I don't really feel comfortable with that but we all seem top do it. Though my only real surmising is that our brains as they are here are not what we need for the next stage in our existance. I blogged about that too after the little experience I've referred to a couple of times recently here. Well, I was made to realise that my brain couldn't compute some things that were out there somewhere because.

My experiences are along the line of other peoples and there's plenty of information out there. But as I said best to talk it over and listen and tell people you know and trust. Then you can be sure.

Though I have to say all my experiences have been pleasant. Some funny even!!!!! Some I wish I'd listened to and didn't. Some I wish I'd thought about more deeply. All down to earth too. ... well, you know what I mean. There has been a certain amount of humour ... which is too cool!!!

And .. as a sort of hippy ... I'm pleased to say that luv seems to be the answer to the question.

........

I said yesterday evening that I wouldn't mind if I was able to have out the body experiences, do mediumship etc. People who can often seem to think that everyone can. They'll say things like it's not as precise as you expect .. and have agreed when I talk about the woman who said it's a bit like looking through a blanket with holes in it. Well, ok it might be like that for her .. for me .. it's more accurately described as looking through a blanket. But I wouldn't mind .. I've been through the wanting to and the not wanting to .. and now I feel I wouldn't mind.



I have never tried really I guess .. but even having said that it's obvious that I don't have natural abilities along those lines.



What happened that day .. and I separate it from the general run of experiences ..when I saw something that I didn't understand because there were colours there that I hadn't seen before .. other things my brain couldn't process either because I didn't have the ability .. totally unlike anything I'd seen before .. there was nothing to relate some of what I was seeing to .. though I recognised some of the colours etc.



I blogged about it at the time and I can remember saying how ill I felt afterwards ... absolutely wiped out .. for a couple of weeks after. It wasn't just for a day or so .. but went on for a while. Can't relate that to what I've read/people have told me about their OBEs At the time I felt just like I usually did .. there wasn't any kind of new feelings surrounding it. I can feel very relaxed but that has more to do with learning relaxation techniques that work than anything else. Must go back to doing those too. Go back and read up on what I've written .. maybe it'll encourage me!!! I've never been very good at keeping up with the relaxation exercices .. too much of an outdoorsy person I guess .. and liking being on the move. Guess you have to work at it .. just like everything. I can go into deep relaxation quite easily if I'm not in too much pain even so though. I suppose I should keep on practicing it might be the way through to a bit of pain relief. Maybe I've just been keeping what I learnt all those years ago going with just the little I do now .. perhaps once you've built the pathways it doesn't need quite so much exercise to keep going.



People who've had OBEs don't describe being exhausted as a result from what I've read or heard. I do have someone close to me who's had one ... he's not the type of person who feels very secure around that type of happening .. most people who have them seem to be quite happy with the experience .. as an experience goes it was ok .. just that he prefers to be in the same place at once if u know what I mean.



Felt like that myself for a while. I had been curious and bought meself a sort of how to book. Didn't get very far .. in any way!!!! Eventually decided after thinking about it that I didn't want to. Now, I'm quite ok with the concept.



Sleep is what I need now. There's been a bit of breakthrough pain waking me up rather too often lately. I told the community nurse about it today. It's tiring me out.

Yesterday ........!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I'm waiting for dinner to cook. I've a bit of a cold and've stayed in today. Best thing to do I guess. Knew things weren't going to be that great this morning. Done a few of my stretching exercises though but otherwise rested.

I guess quite a few people that used to read Empower when it was up and running read quite a few of my experiences .. I deleted a lot when the board moved on as I didn't really want them there if I wasn't. The board kinda slowed down a lot as we all were at other places that took up more time.

One of us moved in with her guy, another went into making jewellry professionally .. and the rest of us really got involved in other things and places. It was always quite slow anyway and just kept running through the general threads to keep the members only bit going I guess. I thought it best to delete a bit and go. It's the nature of the net in some ways. I have a lot of net friends though I 'm not on many boards now .. tend to read more than post .. and stay in touch in other ways. Though I am boarding a bit more again now .. after being prodded a bit by someone.

Sigh. I have a lot of boards I like. Don't post on the big ones anymore cause it just takes too much time trying to read and post .. but I've pottered back to some of my smaller ones.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

zzz zzz d zzzzz zz zz

2 b continued

Yes .......

Mum was always interested in things like this too. She'd had a couple of experiences that linked in to life after death. I guess I should have listened to her but I was never interested. So, thankyou Moya for showing me that it is all true. And for the other people who have come into my life ... and, ofcourse to spirit.

I totally accept now that we go on now.

There has been a lot happening in my life to show this .. as there has been in lots of peoples lives.

It's strange though. I've been looking through a lot of books on spirituality .. and there's so much about bring wealth and things like that into your life. Quite frankly if that was true everyone would be rich!!! And .. I guess no one would be ill. If you could just light a candle or wish and you'd get your wish forfilled.

I think I mentioned love spells when I talked about this yonks ago .. who'd want someone in their life who didn't want to be there.

I don't believe in magic anyway. Though I do believe you can alter your mind set to make you more contented etc. There was a page upon the Beebs site about that which I posted up to a board after someone had asked what I thought of these books about how to make the universe work for you. All I can say is if they work they do so very selectively.

Have I tried? No .. wouldn't bother. I mean, just look round at the world.

I have a book I bought in a book shop in Warwick that goes with the article on the BBC's site. I haven't read it yet as I got it when I felt very ill and then the illness kind of took over and I didn't really feel like reading anything for a while. But it's a book about psychology. I was interested to see what the guy had to say.

Just like I'm interested in what these guys have to say. I do believe in spirit .. but a belief in spirit is a belief in the continuation and growth of the soul .. nothing else.

The nice thing about it is that all my experiences have been pleasant ... nothing frightening at all. The worst being that there are a lot of human frauds out there who want to take your money.

I don't need any proof now .. I feel I have enough ... though ofcourse I'll pootle along to the services when I get home and I feel well enough to again. I know I don't need to anymore because I don't need any more proof. It's still good to be there though and possibly more for me than a lot of people because I am quite a cynic and it is possible that that might rerturn ... though I don't see how now.

It's not that I was looking in the first place ... spirit came to me. The first time I was aware of something like this happening a good twenty years ago I became very scared and as I said in one of my early blogs I came in one day and said "f**k off universe" and the things that were happening stopped. Guess I wasn't ready for school then!! I've talked to other people who had the same beginning as me. Then, soon after I'd done that I got curious and went searching ... and found nothing. Then, completely out of the blue, it started again .. this time I took more notice .. though ever the cynic.

I was surprised to find out that so many people have these experiences and I thank everyone who's told me about theirs .. and I was pleased to be able to tell them about mine.

Ah ... well

Well, not such a good night last night. Went to bed and then had problems cause of me illness so got up again. But read a bit of a new book ... same author ... different book .. think it's the last one to read. I was surprised to see that he'd mentioned here again ... though refering to it as the town in the West Midlands he'd mentioned in his previous book.

I like reading the books because I can relate to the content. That's why I think it's good to talk about these things with people you can trust and ofcourse go with your own experiences.

I've spoken about it with ministers from different denominations and religions who are very interested. I suppose they tend to rely on faith where as I'd find that too difficult .. I'd want some kind of proof which is where the show me stuff comes in. They always have. Must know what a cynic I am!!!!!! I've talked about it to people who aren't religious too and people who, like I used to be, found it too difficult to get my head around, and we've come to believe that things can't go on and on like they have without there being truth there. And this is without thinking about other peoples experiences as well. It seems most people have them or know people who have .. even if it's just the one. Well, it's probably more than that .. my experience from talking to people has been that a lot of people keep their experience within the family or very close friends if they talk about it at all.

Anyway .. tonight I'll try and settle down early again. I did get to sleep eventually and slept for around six hours so it wasn't too bad really.

Now or then

So ... we were trying to decide when it was best to be young ... round about the time I was or now. Quite a few young people seem to think that the late 60s/early 70s was a kind of Utopia if you lived in this country. I suppose, the time, regardless of Vietnam, is still sometimes seen as being a time of peace and fun.

Looking back ... I'm glad I lived through it .. though today has a lot going for it too. It's a bit of an understatement to say I wish there'd been the internet around in those days. Though, possibly if there had been the whole era would have been different. I'm very glad we didn't have some of the drugs that are around now then ... that would've changed things I guess too. I lost friends both through them dying and through them becoming ill because of illegal drugs and alcohol. Not something that would happen in Utopia.

I can't remember doctors warning about liver damage as they do now though. Well, unless you'd contracted hepatitis .. then it was wise not to drink at all.

I didn't have to think about HIV or herpes. I didn't have to think about the differences climate change would bring .. though because of my interests that came in pretty quickly. A lot of people were interested in politics ... some fought against discrimination. I don't know why that became such a big thing during those times. The war? Martin Luther King? The pill giving women more freedom? Better education?

Probably though if I was young now I'd go for now rather than the 60s/70s. They suited me but then I grew up to live in the era.

I learnt to fill my time myself ... when I came back home from school to live we didn't have a TV for a while because my parents didn't like them. TV became the focal point of their lives as time went on but earlier on I think they thought of it as some kind of brain rot.

I can't say that no kids drank or took drugs ... but I didn't see really young kids out swigging back cans and bottles of booze. I don't know if people think it makes them look adult ..or, if it's because they find socialising too hard without it. Some kids say that they find it hard to chat.

But I find this strange in some ways because with more parents being out at work kids often spend more time together than we did. Or, did we learn to talk through the amount of time we spent talking to adults. Is that where the politics came from in some ways too. Because we were part of the adult world.

I find it strange that a lot of teenagers here seem to think that adults have no idea what's going on in their lives. That the latest teen tribes are somehow beyond comprehension. I think my parents generation knew a lot too but I also think there was more available to let them know.

I'm very glad I didn't grow up in what's referred to as the celebrity culture .. I think it just makes people dissatisfied with their own lives without giving much back. And .. honestly .. if you look at so many people who are in the magazines so often they really don't seem to be living the kind of life that you'd think people would want with all the ... booze and drugs.

But then .. you look at the article in the Courier and you think maybe that is what some people want.

Guess really that you grow up into the times you live in on the whole. If the 60's/70's were as great as they seem when looked through rose tinted glasses then they would've been brilliant to live in ... but there was hardship too then. Having said that though ... I did enjoy a lot of my time regardless of the shit that went on both within the family and without. I loved the music ... but don't think that was always a reflection of how things really were.


But I chose things that were interesting to me. I had heaps of fun with a book about children's yoga ... not just showing familes and friends it ... but it had great illustrations .. very starry and hippyish (!!!!!!!!) and I spent ages learning to draw from the book. See yoga can do more than make you supple and lower your blood pressure. Get the right book and you can learn to draw too. Guess it was my version of anime at the time.


I spent ages with a book called Creative Crochet learning to turn crochet sculpture into clothes .. well, baby clothes anyway. They were probably my two favourite books of the time .. and provided me with lots of entertainment.

Loved learning judo and massage. Guess they kind of complmented each other. I will probably learn Indian Head Massage soon. Well, in theory anyway ... it'll be without practicing until I'm feeling a lot better. Think I should be the patient for a while when I get back!!!!!!!!

I think my favourite novels of the time were Robert Mitchener's epics. I found out about them through the kids at school. Great to read ... but, boy, were they long. I read lots of fiction .. I guess his epic novels were more faction than fiction really though. A lot of us read them at school .. which is where I found out about them. Great stuff. I liked J.G Ballard's novels too. Preferred sci fi to fantasy like Lord of The Rings. Read J.G Ballard, John Wyndham, Neville Shute ... and ... Jean Plaidy!!!! Well, mum and dad got to read Robert Mitchener's books through me .. I got to read Neville Shute and Jean Plaidy through them. Jean Plaidy's novels were rather different from the usual books I read but I enjoyed them. They're historical faction like Robert Mitchener's books but are very different from his.

Not Friday yet maybe ..... but

Suppose I will say something about the leader in the last issue of the local paper. Some of the residents are complaining about the drunken behaviour in the town at the weekends. Well, I guess I get to hear a lot of it as well as smell it sometimes.

I come from somewhere where the night life is buzzing at the weekends because of the local venues. It's always had a drug scene but ofcourse that has grown as the clubs openned. And ofcourse people drink a lot because it's fashionable to do that right now. It wasn't unusual before I left to come up here to look after mum to hear teenagers, more often girls than blokes, talking about how much they'd put away the night before, detailing what they'd drunk ... if they could remember!!! I think you might've got extra kudos if giggles replaced actually remembering.

You think I'm joking ... wish I was.

It kinda mirrored what used to happen in the late 60s if someone had smoked a joint near you ... or you'd had a couple of puffs yourself.

Too cool.

There were, ofcourse, a lot of drug casaulties in the late 60s/early 70s .. I lost a few friends myself. Just because I wasn't interested didn't mean that I was cut off from the scene. I was quite a part of it I guess .. but I didn't take the chemical route down it as I've said here before.


Wht really saddens me these days isn't seeing young people pissed/coked up ... it's seeing children pissed though I hope not coked up .. though I have to say I had my suspiscions a few months ago with one young boy. I really hope I was wrong.


I really think that's something more to worry about than the overflow of drunks from the pubs and clubs here. It's the future brewing and waiting to happen.

Back in the 70s this town was the sort of drugs mecca round here. There was a mixture of drugs and religion strangely enough. It all kind of stemmed from the meeting of ley lines and Aleicster Crowley who was a notorious cokehead/alcoholic and disliker of women in his time. Mr Crowley, I believe, left here when he was two years old but the association stuck .. at least it was still alive and kicking in the 70s. This brought the opposition in so to speak .. even if there wasn't anything to oppose at the time .. and a few rather dictorial sects appeared here. Ofcourse not to be outdone magic symbols started to appear on the streets. I can remember some along the Radford Road.

Now hands up ... who did it!!! It's a long time ago now!!!!

I suppose, in some ways, on the night life score, it's a minature reflection of my old home ... where I should be in about 2 months ... woo hoo ... to quote Gram Parsons for the umpteenth time today ... time. And, for some reason, even though pubs 'n' clubs have loos this still happens. But generally speaking you get to know the voices and it's the same people looning noisily round the streets.

This has been coming for some time ... it usually goes with the hollow laughter .. which has been evident here long enough .. too much booze and coke ... not of the cola type, etc.

I've never understood why people have to get so off their heads to go and enjoy themselves.

Anyway ... I'm off to bed now. I'm getting people to tell me to turn in before twelve now. I've not been sleeping well ... even if I'm a bit later than that it's still on my mind and I'm not going to be up til the really early hours of the morning.


Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Nu teef

I know someone else, much younger than me, who's lost his front teeth to a similar illness ... he's just got some g....r....e....a....t new ones. Who needs the old ones when you can have a set like these, huh!!!!!

His medication is keeping his illness well under control now I'm very pleased to say. You know I've been surprised by the number of people who have to cope with this kind of thing .. especially on the rheumatoid/arthritic side ... and so young too. It's been a real eye openner. I do think of the young girl here and the children who have the illness that's so similar to mine ... though they are born with it ... how brave are they, huh.

I was very pleased when the Beeb did the appeal for it ... those children have a very hard time.

Back later than expected

Well, ok, so I didn't go out yesterday ... but met someone I know and got taken out this evening. Found it a bit hard to get back to the flat though .. it's just the change in breathing when the muscles and ribcage etc are on the move ... sometimes it's more painful than at other times .. this evening was a bit tricky .. possibly because I was carrying too much .. too much can be virtually nothing at times. Still, veggie chow mein sounds nice .. one for now and one for later ... might try cooking some myself.

It was good to have the chat ... we kind of reassure each other. I realise how lucky I am that the doc who saw me at the hospital's mum had my illness ... he was well aware of what to do when I got there ... and his wife dealt with the other part .. the bone and muscle side.

Someone asked me if my illness was like psoriasis .. and I suppose it is a bit, isn't it. I know a couple of people who have that here .. first heard about that through the playwright Dennis Potter ... think it's another auto immune disease which affects the skin .. unfortunately it can affect the joints too.

Other people think it's like cancer ... well there are similarities I guess. Though cancer's a re common illness. I'm surprised that here I've met two people with relatives who've had the illness. Very surprised that one is one of the doctors at the hospital.

I suppose me lip problems weren't much different from cleaning your teeth in the mornings. I just dealt with them. Once I'd done that things were ok I guess .. except I wanted all seven layers. Sigh. But it was quite easy to deal with. Though I guess people can remember when things were much worse around the neck. That was bad .. they were like that on my legs too .. though different in the way they presented themselves ... me little doc to be pals ... take note!!!

Sadly I think solar induced illness will probably become more common while climate change is being dealt with .. like lupus which apparently is appearing more in the Western world now .. we'll need people like you ... and for everyone ... slip, slop, slap eh!!! You really don't want to put yourself at risk of something like this. Think this particular illness will still be very rare .. but it's still an illness which can be caused by the sun. I don't know about psoriasis

I'm going to have to change my doctor now that I can get round a bit easier because I can't have the district nurses in to help me so much and I need someone closer. There are a lot of people who can't get out at all and need their help and my walking has become good enough for me to be able to get to one of the closer surgeries. They have been rushed off their feet recently and I've just become reasonably mobile admittedly with a bit of distress .. but I should get out every day ... and that can be part of the exercise.

As I said it wasn't easy getting back to the flat this evening ... the muscles round my ribcage had moved some and my lungs were having to adjust which they were doing with quite a bit of difficulty and pain. But it would've been the same whether I'd've stayed out or not.

Glad I met her anyway. Was hugged goodbye. Was lucky that I'd had another look through the magazines in Tescos on me way out or I'd've missed her.

Off out ...................................... soon

i've started tidying up again. Hopefully I'll soon have it sorted out. Most of my things are in boxes now ... and when I'm well enough my solicitor will deal with selling the flat. If I hadn't become ill myself this would all have been dealt with as soon as mum passed over.

Still that's life. People ask if I'd've given up my time for her if I knew what was going to happen to my health. Can't really tell because I didn't know what was going to happen. I had no idea what would happen to her or to me. I stayed up after she'd gone into the home because she asked me to because she felt scared. When she passed over I was seriously ill myself though didn't realise it. Though I was pretty much falling apart ... literally.

My solicitor will deal with selling this place when I'm well enough and I'll move back.

Hopefully I'll be able to go to a couple more meetings before I go back. Was going to try to go last night but decided against it in the end. Someone here said that it was much too cold for me to go out and they were right ... I was much too tired too. Was almost asleep on the couch later on.

The things I'll be doing with people here can all be sorted over the net. Doesn't mean I won't see them again ... but it's going to be a bit difficult for me to travel .. at least for a while. Should be fun though ... and I'm looking forward to doing it. Woo hoo!!!!!! Have to admit that I haven't been reading and learning but I will.

I'm going to try to potter out again. It's difficult to walk but I'm up for trying. I have mum's stick. It almost went AWOL in hospital when someone with memory loss thought it was hers. Hers was the nice new one ... mine was the one about 15/20 years old but she didn't know it. Still we managed to sort that out and she left with hers and me with mine.

I'm very grateful for that stick ... it is just the right height. You'd think I would need a smaller one but that one's so comfortable. The woman's one in hospital was shorter and you'd've thought it would be more comfortable for me than the one I have .. I thought it would be .. but, no, this one is exactly the right size for me both in height and the size of the handle. Lucky we both got our sticks back because I guess she'd've been uncomfortable with mum's old one too.

I say mum's stick ... actually it was dads but mum could have used it when she was ill too .... but ... she wouldn't. Now, it's mine and as I said exactly the right size. There's another slightly taller one here too which isn't a bad fit but this is the most comfortable to use. The woman in hospital is taller than me and you'd've thought because of that she'd need a longer stick but she didn't. I noticed that she walked with it a slightly different way than I do with mine and that must be the reason. She had to use it in a slightly different way to assist her walking. It makes a lot of difference using the right size. A lot.

I'm very grateful that I have the right size stick. Not quite sure why dad had two. Don't know if he needed two of different sizes to get around when he could still walk or if he only used one but needed a different size during the years. Anyway .. the smaller one is just my size. If I'd had to go and buy one I couldn't've done better.

Mum thought for some reason that it wasn't good to use a stick and to be honest she did manage to get round without one even when she was so bent over her head was almost touching her knees.

I guess she'd've used it if she'd not been able to walk without it.

Right ... for me .. a bit more pain relief .. then I'll try again. I guess I should get a trolley really .. it'll mean I have more to support myself with and won't have to carry anything. On the other hand walking like this helps me exercise and pulls my muscles out and helps them work which is good too.

Difficult to decide what to do.

I gave another of me books away yesterday evening. Said it could go to the little library at her place if she didn't want it after she'd finished reading it. The other will go to the chapel at the hospital. Then I'll make little booklets and illustrate them for friends as I said in the beginning.

Seems a lot of people have their stories to tell. I'll never get to hear many I guess though I'll always like to stay in touch with people who have an interest in such things. I'd like to meet the author of the books one day I guess. Maybe I will ... maybe I won't. It doesn't matter really but I'd like to talk to him. I'm still interested and curious. But it doesn't matter because most people have a story to tell either from their own experience or from someone close to them. And, in my opinion, that's how it should be .. because then they know they can rely on it.

I've told people my experiences when I've known them a while or they've brought the subject up or responded to something I've said in a way that's let me know that they're really interested ... generally I've found that they have something similar to tell me in return.

Mine are pretty run of the mill I guess. Generally reassuring rather than anything else. More in line with book than some of these very dramatic things you get to hear about. The people I've spoken to have found the same, Scarey only because they're not something I would've been expecting .. because I was so cynical about things like this ... no more though. I also think, as I've said before, that there's nothing strange about it really if you think about how strange anything existing at all is. T'ain't nothing in comparrison.

I wish I had taken a bit more notice of things people told me earlier on though .. but at least I didn't forget. It's strange .... but, maybe not, that other people's starting off along this line has been almost the same as mine. You know, back when I was around 35 and it just bugged me out and I said no thankyou very much ... or something alomng those lines!!!! I was just scared though. Can't say I wasn't this time but this time I was interested too.

Guess I might get in touch with Arthur Koestler's lot. There are other people too. Still that will come in time. There's always the chance that I'll lose interest. I don't think or talk about it anywhere near as much as I used to though I love hearing about other people's experiences ... but it wouldn't worry me if I never read or heard about anything connected to it all again ... though I know that won't happen. But I've gone past the totally flabbergasted phase. Think I was affected more than most people because I was such a cynic. Most people tend to keep their experiences within families and friendships I think .. or even to themselves .. I was just to astounded to.

Maybe it's best that way. I think those books have helped me too. But .. I don't know how I'd've related to them without the help of other people I know who I've spoken to.

It's very nice to have one of the books though to potter through now and then though. He says he hopes writing them has helped people. Think it has u know!!!!!

Right ......... off out .......... soon

As usual ... up, fed and medicated

Well .. up with all the medicating that needs to be done for now done. Got some personal stuff to reply to which I'll do later. I'm just here for now.

I will probably finish my other book today and maybe start reading the one that Waterstones recommends. I think they described it as down to earth or practical ... something along those lines anyway .. it'll be interesting to read.

I should start writing down everything I can remember too. Though that's for my friends as a personal thing between us. Be writting and illustrating. I think I mentioned that I've started one .. did when I was in hospital last and they shouldn't take very long. Just a little present .. and nice to give something so personal between friends.

Experience has shown me that the only way to go is to have personal experience or to talk to like minded people if you're really interested. People who don't believe and aren't really interested on anything more than a gossipy level are never going to find out otherwise because their motives are different.

Anyway ... there's stacks of information out there isn't there. I'll be reading through some of it .. though I feel that really I don't need anymore "proof" though I'll continue asking for it I guess.

Show me again please.

I think its personal experience that ultimately makes your mind up. Or people you know you can trust telling you about theirs and sharing. If you don't trust them well you might as well not know what they've experienced because you won't just take it on face value .. best to be somewhere where you feel that you can trust what's being said.

I feel my experiences are pretty tame compared to a lot of other peoples but they are actually the kind of experience that suits me.

Don't think I've any more to say on the subject right now.

Going to do some sorting out and get something for lunch.

I suppose this is one of the times I wish I hadn't given my TV away because I'd've liked to see the programmes that it seems most other people have. I've been told about some things that were talked about on them but it'd've been nice to've seen them all. Seems everyone more or less has a bigger collection of stories than me if they've watched them. Guess the programmes are a good background to listening to various aunts and uncles and friends etc.

I occasionally buy the relevent magazines but I find the experiences in them are far more dramatic than mine quite often which is why I relate easier to the books which are nearer to my own experiences.

Anyway talking last night was interesting. I've a book for the chapel .. guess it is for the all other religions section though it relates to Christianity. As I said, like Buddhism, it has it's religious and philisophical branches. I believe in spirit and am part of the philisophical lot.

It's from experience that I say it's best to talk to people you know .. a lot of people
don't believe so obviously the best way round that is to get a background from the tv/books/magazines etc and listen to anything people you know have to say. As I've said it appears a lot of people have experiences so someone in the family or amongnst close friends should have something to tell you and maybe openning your mind up to the possibility will bring more personal experiences in.

Personal experience and talking to people you know and trust is the best way in. I've put up a few of my experiences over the years ... just to add a bit here and there and there's plenty more from people talking about their experiences on the net .. and in books/papers/magazines and on the radio.

Seems the best way to go.

That way you'll get to find out things from people you know and trust.

I had one unpleasant experience on the net covering people's intentions. I joined a board just before I went into hospital last summer. I wasn't well enough to post for much of the time so concentrated most on my friends. I was very ill and said that I'd get back to them when I felt better though was quite happy to tell everyone there what the situation was.

What I did notice was that most people there weren't exchanging much information. It was meant to be a board for all spiritualities but instead seemed to revolve around the concept of "magic" which is ok but I don't believe in it. I think it's just a way of reminding yourself what your intentions are to be honest which for some people will spur them on. A bit of self realisation in ritual. They still said to go .. I was in hospital at the time feeling very ill .. and to come back when I was better. I thought it strange that this was thewir attitude .. no healing was offered which is very strange .. most people will if they believe in that kind of thing .. and later on when I questioned this I was told that they couldn't possibly offer healing to people they didn't know!!!!

Huh!!!!

I said that I had felt a bit uncomfortable there as it looked as if I would be the only one doing any sharing. I was then told that my attitude was too serious for the board. Mind you they had told me that this was precisely what the board was for and it wouldn't be accepted if you just stayed in the more general topic area.

There were a couple of people there who seemed very nice and I doubt if they'd've gone along with all this crap to be honest. One was another newbie who had posted a couple of her own experiences .. and they were much the same as my very early ones .. about the only person who had .. and someone who was into some deep meditation which was all pretty much ignored by the other members.

I said that I wasn't going to be too open if no-one else was but that I would share some things and discuss a lot. I was then told that the board was really a religious board for a certain stream of pagans .. which means it must've changed over night .. as before it'd been for all people on a spiritual path.

Being told that I wasn't going to be offered any healing because I was new was an eye opener too .. plus the fact that they'd decided to go through all this when I was extremely ill, in hospital, and had offered to explain this to the other members.

I was then told that the board wasn't suitable for me and I had to agree.

But be careful of people who want loads of information from you while being silent on the matter themselves. And who change the goal posts all the time depending on what they want.

They also said generally that they were surprised that new members didn't stay around for long.

I wasn't ..... there are plenty of places with a better attitude.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Off to sleep ... mind u I've been dozing a bit during the evening.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Er ......

I hadn't said who the Works books were by but as it could've only have been by one person to fit the criteria I've mentioned I guess it doesn't really matter. I must've deleted it while I was editing.

Anyway .. now .. there can be no doubt .. or have two guys ... who write books in the spiritual line focusing on life after death, appear on tv and mention Leamington Spa in the first chapter of one of their books .. or mention it at all and will be coming here again shortly .. have had two different books on sale at The Works at the same time.

I sometimes delete whole sentences if the writing pad isn't working too well when I'm editing .. sometimes I just continue in edit .. but occasionally things do go and aren't written back in.

One book'll be going to the chapel .. it would've been nice to have had the magazines though .. not just for me but for everyone. I wish I'd said yes now.

..........

The night before last I was up. Well, sitting up but fast asleep as I'd dozed off infront of the computer.

Last night I eventually got myself off to bed in the early hours of the morning .. got up about nine. I'd dozed a little during the evening too so I guess I had enough sleep.

I'm eating better now too. I didn't feel well enough to eat much while I was in hospital .. all that lovely food and not being able to eat much of it!! Still the soup went down well.

I should go to bed earlier though and try to keep to a regular bedtime. That's difficult in hospital too sometimes because of everything that's going on round you especially if you're finding it quite hard to sleep anyway.

I've said that I don't want sleeping pills on top of everything else I take. I think I'm doing ok without them and I worry that they'd have a kind of hang over effect in the mornings particularly as I take all this other medication.

Relaxation/meditation is the way to go for me I think.

Sleepy

The illnesses plus medication make me tired. Seems that's the way for a lot of people though. There were a lot of people on morphine plus other pain killers in the bay I was in on Nicholas Ward this time and we all said much the same .. we're tired. Pain and illness can take it out of you too, Still the good thing about it is that we were able to talk, read and get on with things generally.

Last time I was in someone said that I gave them hope because I was ok on all the meds that I have to take. She'd been worrying about work and looking after her family. I'm not very good at keeping me papers under control .. bending and carrying isn't that easy ... but I'm getting there. Sigh!!! She was fine .. though I can understand why she was so worried. I had all kinds of preconceived ideas. Thought that the morphine might make me a little dreamy .. apart from relieving the pain all it does is make me feel tired. I'll be very glad if I can leave it behind one day.

Before all this I was about a two paracetamol a year person. Not even that some years .. and a couple more in others I guess. But generally I didn't like taking pills. Haven't drunk alcohol since I was in my twenties. Stopped smoking in my early twenties too.

We talked about this too because I'm having to process a lot of chemicals now and was hoping I had a reasonably healthy base to start off from.

Though u do read that having the occasional drink is good for you .. doesn't matter for me regardless 'cause ofcourse I'm not allowed to drink on the meds I take. Suppose I'd be asleep most of the time if I did.

Anyway .. up, fed and medicated for the morning.

Will I .... won't I

I think last time I was in hospital I met someone who was going to one of the events at the Spa Centre I think and I was thinking about going if I could cause I hadn't been to anything like that before. Obviously I didn't go ot the blogs would've been full of it. I can't remember if the woman I was talking to in hospital went or not. I think she was discharged in time. She'd said if she hadn't been she would just give her tickets to someone else. I know I told people I'd like to go .. probably said so on here too but I didn't think there was much chance that I'd be out in time .. and I wasn't.

I don't know who was here that time as I didn't know any of the names because I didn't watch the TV. Probably just as well because then I could come to my own conclusions about things without being affected by all the commercial stuff there is out there.

Mum was interested though she only spoke about her experiences a couple of times but I know she believed in this side of things though it was never talked about in any depth.

I know and know of the most cynical of people who've had their mind changed by events in their own life. I think, for me, it's had to be personal experiences that can be proven or followed up which've really made me think. The others I guess you get from talking with friends and like minded people if you're interested. If you're really interested that's how it goes isn't it or it has been for me anyway. I've pottered round chatting to people who seem to be on the same wave length who I don't know that well or I've been talking to people here I know reasonably well and other people have joined in to share as well. And I've spoken to people who I've known for a long time but haven't spoken about this type of thing to before .. or if I have it was a long time ago and things've changed. Almost sixty years on the planet and some of it looking into things like this though giving up as I explained before should've brought something to think about if there is anything. Hearing someone elses experience might make someone remember something or start looking.

I've written quite a bit about it in my blogs and on some boards. There was more in an earlier blog .. me just giving a little bit out there. Just for those that are interested .. those that aren't can easily pass it by or store it to think about at a later date maybe. But I've talked here and there about these things for people who have a real interest but I can't research or experience ur own experiences .. mine'll always be second hand for other people. People who aren't interested won't be whatever I say .. people who are might be. My friends are fascinated because they know what a cynic I am just as I've been when someone I know is cynical has said something or someone tells me about a cynical relative's experience that has changed his/her mind. Well, as an ex cynic I've put a couple of stories out there too.

I guess I'll carry on talking about it for the rest of my life. When I've left here I'll attend meetings and'll probably go to the healing place that's near where I live .... guess it'll be nice and peaceful to go sit there now and then. And chat!!!!!!

I'll see some of u then ...... and will pop over and chat later on this evening.

I don't think I'll go to the meeting though ... maybe the tickets have gone. Maybe I'll just carry on as usual and then go to local things .. and there appear to be quite a few of them when I get back. I had no idea there was so much to attend .. or for that matter anything at all because it wasn't something that did much more than flit across my mind very, very occasionally. Usually in regards to Lin and her family. I hadn't really understood what it was about ... well, I never really talked about it with her. She'd say something and I never really followed it up ... guess I was too young and a million miles away from thinking much about those kind of things at the time. I sure had a lot of other ideas to follow up all over the placeat the time. We were only 15 when we met and it was something I knew ziltch about. I'm glad she did talk a bit about it though to me .. I guess I wish I'd listened a bit more though how much I'd've really taken in and understood or believed if all of it was on hearsay at the time I don't know. Just knowing her then has been a help now though.

Up ... fed and medicated!!!!!!!!!!

A bit late again I guess ... sigh. Still, was up earlyish this morning after sleeping reasonably well. I have to get me own meds now at night rather than have a nurse bring them for me if I press a buzzer!!!!! I lie there thinking will I won't I ... but if I don't then the pain's worse later on but I don't really want to have to grapple with a bottle of oramorph quite so early in the morning.

I was pleased in hospital to see how clear minded some of the people who were taking morphine were. When I've been in before some people were saying that it was having strange effects on them .. this ofcourse could be because of the combination of medications they were taking. All I felt was tired and I can't really be sure what was causing that as I take so much medication .. feeling sleepy isn't a bad trade off for being able to control some of the pain I guess. My MST ewas increased a bit during this stay .. I now have two turquoise pills and one purple one twice a day. And the oramorph was prescribed as a small dose every hour if I needed it rather than a larger one every four hours. I'm working that out as I need it now I'm back. It's much harder getting around here than it is pottering down a corridor in the hospital occasionally.

But, even though it's difficult here I think things might have improved a little in one way .. I found that I wasn't quite as breathless as I had been walking the corridors last time I was in. I could rarely walk from Nicholas Ward down to the shop without stopping in at the chapel to rest because my breathing would get gaspy. I probably will give them one of me books .. as I said I can make my own little booklets for people I know as pressies when I get back. I've started one ... did that in the hospital last time I was in .. then me health took a turn for the worse .. don't know if my steroids might have been reduced then .. and I stopped.

I will start again though .. it's not as if it's going to take me very long.

Bit late ...

Gud morning or good night ... I'm a bit late. It's not been a bad day. Tomorrow have some things to sort out down the doctors. My left side is not good again .. the on going problemo. It's a bit of a mystery just as it's always been but it's a mystery that's making itself more obvious now after the last incident. I can lift my arm better today but the left side sure is a bit iffy at the moment.

Been chatting a lot today and why not. I was taken out shopping .. it's good we get on together very well and have quite a few things in common. We both have a book to mentally hug too. If he writes his books to help people then I guess he does for quite a few.

I have a lot of friends and everybody wants to talk about it at some point and I guess they tell their closest people. I know people tend to prefer to talk about esoteric things with the family or whoever is closest in their lives. Thankyou to everyone who's been so open with me. I haven't always been the one to bring it up but when someone else has I've followed it through and talked about my own experiences. If I've brought it up people have been as good with me.

I will make the little booklets for people .. what I think I might do is to do one then print out copies rather than do the individual ones I was going to .. I don't know yet ... but it sure is a nice thing to leave with people.

I know quite a few people, well, relatively speaking, who are doing much the same .. though not with such an esoteric slant. Some families have asked for them which I think is rather nice.

I said ages ago that I think your own experiences really have to be the ones that influence you. I've had rather a lot in a relatively short space of time. Don't know what I'd've made of it all if I hadn't read Dr Moody's books all those years ago as a kind of background. I had Lin's grandparents too to think about. I used to think that it was all just something for comfort as people do ... I don't think that any more and I wish I'd asked Lin and her family more about it all. Or, perhaps I don't ... maybe ... I don't know ... difficult to tell really. This is obviously a good time in my life to think about these things. Though I wouldn't have gone off to look around without some kind of prodding I guess or what someone else described as someone tapping me on the shoulder.

I think I will give one of the remaining books to the chapel. Once I'm back home people'll have me to talk to more and I'll make my little booklets as I said I would.

Reading, writing and chatting away ........

I think the book is a good read for people in the medical profession. I still didn't do anything for the chapel .. but I still have a couple of spare books so perhaps one can go there .. it's for all faiths and as I said they offered to buy me in a magazine .. wish I'd said yes now .. it'd've been a good read for everybody.

Perhaps one of the books though.

I'm not so keen on the personal interpretation part of the books. I prefer reading about events that have happened like I like hearing other people talking about their experiences too. I'm glad that I've been ok chatting about it cause now I know lots of people have varied experiences along this line. Now I'd probably have more questions to ask.

But once I'm back I'm sure I'll get plenty of opportunities. I think as far as opportunities go I'm right where I need to be. I checked that out a year or so back. Think there's even a healing place there. Though a lot of my healing has come through all this happening in my life. It's taken a long time though but I'm now at the stage, as I said, of thinking that the fact that there's anything here at all is far, far more complicated than this.

I've been thinking about the science side of this ever since I was a young girl. It's always fascinated me. If there is nothing then really nothing is something. How can something come from a total void. Infact how can there be a total void because that void is something waiting to be filled. And .. filled with what? Yes ... something. Um .. how can you get something from nothing cause really nothing doesn't really exist in this context.

If there is one atom a roaming there is something.

And so on and so on.

Up fed and medicated and back to usual

Up .. fed and medicated. I am tired today though. Noticed I was very, very sleepy on the phone last night so let other people do most of the talking. I'm going out for a while just to be up and about a bit.

I'm usually very slow .. think I'll probably set a new record for myself today. That's not surprizing I guess as I've had a week where I've been very ill for quite a part of it and on bed rest for most of it.

Got to phone the doc, the woman I go shopping with and the district nurses to get everything moving again.

I think today can be a day of doing little though. Rest is important for a while. I haven't been sick today though which makes a change. I was yesterday and wondered if I'd have to stay in a while longer but it all settled down again and I was ok to leave. Hopefully I'll be a lot better soon. I'm eating more today .. nothing against the hospital food .. it's lovely .. especially the soup. Don't know quite what I'd've done withot the soup .. I survived mainly on that and yogurt. Had some porridge but soup and yogurt were easier to eat. I love the egg flans there too and the sponge puddings and custard. I always managed some pudding and custard but the soup and yogurts were easier for me. Nice food though .. pity I wasn't well enough to eat much of it.

It's not surprising I'm so tired .. haven't eaten much in a week, been very ill for a few days and didn't sleep much last night. Bit restless but then it usually takes me a while to settle down when I first leave.

I learnt this time that while I'm here it's best to keep a bag packed incase I have to go into hospital. I was too ill to sort things out before going in this time and I generally leave something important behind anyway in the rush to get things sorted out anyway. When I've left here it won't be a problem but even then it'll probably be a good idea to at least have a list of important bits and pieces and always keep the medication in one spot where it's easy to pick it up. Just a carrier bag with a few things I might need. There won't be the kerfuffle there was this time then.

I didn't expect to go back as an inpatient here again and hadn't bothered. Lesson learnt.

Well, yeah .........

I've really got to sort these blogs out so they're as they were before. I look at the titles and am not sure which was which really. It's been quite a while since I've had most of these blogs going. I'm sorting out my diary too. It's a pretty goood place to just chat because obviously comments are turned on. There are a lorra good mornings and good nights to be sure but there is other conversation that breezes past that and how many pills I've taken that day and that I've ticked 'em all off correctly.

But .. fer now .. I'm turning in .. just been up for more oramorph. I'll also start reading some of the things I said I would. Guess me other reading's more or less come to an end now. Wish I'd taken it in to hospital but it doesn't matter really. Glad I read the other book.

Right, I've got to get some more sleep.

Another book has flown the coop

I came back minus another of my books. Even though I'd given a few away (3 for £10) I hadn't finished either of them myself .. had got through half of one and had leafed through the other. I'd picked up one to read in hospital and as luck would have it t'was the one I hadn't started reading. I've read a couple of his books before which I'd chosen from Waterstones .. couldn't believe my luck when the two that turned up in The Works were different titles from the ones I'd already read ... but as luck would have it they were. And a good read too. I guess I know pretty much what's going to be in them now but there were a couple of times when I gasped while reading the book. Once at a philisophical idea .. and gasped in a pleased way .. and the other was when he was telling of one of his experiences .. which was along the same line as some of mine. It was just so neat and simple and filled with synchronicity.

Someone I know saw my book and he gasped too .. with joy. He asked if there were any left and were there any more titles by the author at The Works. I said I thought there were three left of the one I had there last time I looked. Y'know this guy has done a lot for me since I've been ill ... so .... I said u kin av it when oi've red it! He said I couldn't. I said .. It's Ur's .. and so it was.

He said he thought the guy was the best or one of the best and that he's coming to Leamington soon. Asked if I'd be going. I said ... yes .. but thinking more about it .. I probably won't. Not sure when he'll be here but I'll either be busy getting ready to go back to London or will have gone I should think.

So, we kinda come round full circle. The first book I read of his mentioned Leamington Spa .. think it was in the first chapter .. and off I go as he comes here again.

There was a little bit of chat about that kind of thing when I was in hospital this time .. well, there usually is .. sometimes I bring it up .. sometimes other people do. I was told two more experiences. Unfortunately I've forgotten one because I was still feeling quite ill and my concentration was hazy but I remember the other.

I always leave hospital with a couple of experiences from people and tell them some of mine.

Well, I've got quite a few to remember now which people have told me around the place as we've talked.

Er ....................

..................... I tried to contact people through Jamie but he could only do so much. What I didn't know was that Dugdale Ward doesn't have anywhere you can use to get on the net so I poodled off down there thinking I'd be able to post from there.

Um ...... no!!!!!!

It's a ward where u wait to go home while you seemingly don't need intensive nursing. I was taken there for a few days before I came back here just incase I wasn't well enough to come back. I had been extremely ill when I was taken into hospital and couldn't let people know what had happened for a few days .. then I got quite a lot better but was still seen as needing critical nursing so I went to a ward where I could post from ... and then off to Dugdale which is the place they'll keep you either while waiting to be found a nursing home or something like that when you're not very well ... or when you appear to be off the critical list but could still need nursing ... where I couldn't post. It just never occured to me that it'd be different from the other wards I'd been on.

It is a very nice ward but I was a bit flumoxed by the lack of net facilities. I suppose they mightn't be used so much there and so it wouldn't be cost productive to have them.