Friday

Done a wee bit of sorting this morning .. surprized really that I can do it .. things aren't so easy generally speaking in the morning because there's the stiffness of the night to wear off and the pain relief levels to top up again.

I read a bit more of my new book last night before sleeping and it's nice .. was just dipping in and out of it again, flicking through the pages, rather than carrying on from where I'd left off from earlier on .. I can't really say that it's the best book that I've come across about things like this because they're about different topics but it is good. I expect I'll come across quite a number of things that I don't think fit my criteria .. found one last night where someone had a little butterfly fly into her face at a funeral and she said goodbye to the person who had passed over as this happened. Unless there was something to connect the little butterfly to it all I couldn't really see the connection other than she just reacted as she did. Maybe there was something to explain this earlier on in the book though .. as I said I'm not reading it straight through. This was followed by another story though, again about butterflies, where a red admiral butterfly came in and circled around someone's head, flew out of the window, came back , circled round her head again and then flew away. Then some months later, after, she'd passed over, her husband was at her grave on a COLD MID FEBRUARY DAY when a red admiral butterfly appeared, flew round the grave stone once, flew off, returned, flew round the headstone again and flew away. Thought that was a better bit of synchronicity.

I remember, at mum's funeral service, though I never counted this into my experiences, a squirrel appeared at the window while we were in the chapel and this reminded me of taking her to feed the squirrels and geese in Jefferson Gardens which she used to love. I didn't think this was anything unusual, though it was poignant, because we were in woods and you'd expect squirrels to be around Now, maybe, if it had been a goose holding a bit of bread it would have been as unusual as the husband's story about the red admiral. It has stayed in my mind though .. but I wouldn't really class it as an experience of that nature because of the amount of squirrels there must be in those woods .. ofcourse, I may be wrong about whether it was one or not, but it's not easy to class as synchronicity.

Anyway, going to sort out me meds and something to eat now.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Bed time ... now!!!!!

When I get up will start sorting again. lol!!! Bought few more bags today so will be getting going again.

And .. must .. remember .. my .. calcium .. tablet.

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Was at the hospital this morning .. 11.00 or 11.05 to be precise .. five mins late. Told them what had happened .. guess all anyone can do is see what happens from here .. actually thought my waling was a bit better .. before the in breathe and out breath could get a bit stuck rib cage wise as they changed over but it was smoother this morning. I went to see the nurse rather than a doctor for my regular weekly appointment there not the monthly one with my consultant. I hadn't made any appointments after coming out of hospital the last time for a while .. the one I was getting ready to go in for the last time this happened .. the one I said that I thought that I was ok to go in for. Well, I was there very soon afterwards .. just heading for A & E rather than the Day Clinic. That one was strange .. it was the most painful of them all but cleared up faster than the earlier ones. And it was the one where I was just sweating buckets for an hour or two .. but they didn't use a fan this time .. don't know if they thought I'd get cold cause of all the sweat .. much more than usual. I know they talked about it and decided no .. but I don't know why. They've used a fan before.

I dunno .. they have to work hard there, don't they. Was reading my new book this morning and there was a little bit about the Pope's views on the book's subject atter and it seems he is ok with it and had made a speech some time ago about it generally. I started thinking about someone I know who visits the hospital who is R.C and who has always been lovely to me and interested in talking to me .. well, I took in what the book was saying and thought back to our conversations and wondered if he'd like a copy of this book. Wondered what to do .. and who did I meet while I was there. I have a book with his name on it now so to speak.

This book is nice .. the woman who wrote it says that she didn't really investigate psychics and mediums because she was concentrating on people's everyday experiences that didn't have another person involved in that way. I think there's maybe just a bit about that but it wasn't what she set out to do. She said that around a third of the population have these experiences which made me think that I was right and it's way over a third when you include other types of experiences that are somewhat connected.

I'm tired .. gonna get my meds that are due now. Me dinner's on .. same as last night .. think I might turn in reasonably soon after that. I've stopped yawning .. think that was down to the bug
... but I'm tired. Suppose it's not surprizing .. been a tiring few days.

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Went to Tescos in Warwick and Sainsburys today .. bought some Smarties .. mentioning that cause I'm wishing I hadn't .. my tum isn't at all happy and I did't eat many of them .. don't think I'll be doing that in a hurry again. Suppose I shouldn't've really .. not exactly part of me healthy eating plan.


Was absolutely amazed that I was able to get out .. usually I'd be languishing in hospital now having everything done for me or being told off a little as I tried to make a get away for the bathroom if I had reached the stage where I was able to move a bit. I am not a good patient.


Went to the meeting though I was very late .. and was glad I did .. the EFT thing has gone down well .. apparently a lot of people there used to practice it but had kinda forgotten about it as they went on to other things. Well, studies show that it does seem to be helpful even if no one's quite sure why. Am glad that I found out about that too.


I went for healing with the Sufi lady who tells me she thinks about me every day which is nice to know. Goes to show how involved some people are though and how much they care. Had quite a laugh on the way back because someone wanted 100 gms of sweeties from that little sweet shop .. sugar free ones and then I mentioned that my favourites were the american hard gums and it turned out so were someone elses but he wouldn't be swayed .. wish I'd left the Smarties alone too now. The tum really didn't appreciate them.


Anyway was glad that I was able to go even if only for a short time. Dinner is on .. soya mince and veggies and me evening pills are due so better go and get them down.

Done.


Well, what a strange few days it's been .. I'm usually looked after through all this .. well, there's no option .. I'm not able to do anything for a few days .. back on me feet as soon as the pain's gone down though and I can move again by myself again. But it does feel strange to have managed to get through it without having to go into hospital .. I know it was a very fine line between whether I went in or not. I also knew that usually being that ill I'd've been in. The pain was just as bad .. the difference was that this time it settled down after a few minutes.

Whoops .. had a bit of a rest .. off to bed now.

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Actually first mug of hot chocolate I've made for meself since I got it in .. meant to make it before but never got round to it. Mmmm .. just what a sickly person needs on a cold night I guess. See, going the right way in some ways. I expect that I'll have to go into hospital again with infections and muscle spasms .. think it's the nature of the illnesses unfortunately .. but, still I've had one cold where I didn't get very poorly and one where I did but managed to stay out of hospital .. well, so far anyway .. and it did get bad .. I think if I hadn't been through it so many times before I'd've called an ambulance .. I was just used to the symptoms this time and knew what to expect .. the pain was bad and, if I hadn't been through this so many times, I think I wouldn't've hesitated to call an ambulance. Think it would've totally scared anyone who wasn't used to it .. and, if it had got a bit worse I would have and if it had stayed as it was instead of lessening I would've too .. I just know how this illness works now. And if I had kept on going into spasm I would have too .. well, I wouldn't've had choice cause the pain would've got worse and worse.

I still have me two going to be doctor friends .. waves .. and they think it's cool learning from the patient .. though they wish I wasn't ill .. some of the docs here hoped they would be coming up here to study because they want more people in this line but I'm afraid they didn't. They are extremely dedicated though and, it makes me feel good to know that my illness has done something good. And they always remind people to be careful of the sun now. I was quite surprized that my illness could be caused by solar exposure .. I've discovered three auto immune illness that can be caused by solar exposure .. this one, lupus and one whose name I can't remeber now. Can't remember how the last one turned up .. but while I was looking for something about my own .. fortunately, for a rarish illness, there's a lot of info about. Expect there are more illnesses too, though not always auto immune illnesses,

Well, off to bed now .. don't know what to do about books .. lol!!! Which to pack .. which to take to bed with me to read while waiting for the oramorph to take effect either during the night or in the morning or both. I do feel a lot better now but I can't, in any way, be sure that it's over yet. Another couple of days and I'd be more hopeful.

Actually, in some ways, I'm feeling a bit sheepish that I didn't call an ambulance because I was very ill with the prospect of it getting worse .. but I did know the ropes here with this particular illness .. anything else with the same level of pain and illness I'd've called for an ambulance immediately .. but I'd been through this so many times before and I didn't think it reached the stage where there was no choice. I was right, but it was very borderline, and it was only because I was so familiar with it all that I made that decision. Otherwise you can bet I'd've been in there. Especially after having experienced all this. Even with the experience it was very difficult to decide one way or the other.

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Well, off to bed very soon. Don't think my doc could believe that I hadn't gone into hospital .. anyway .. anyway he gave me two prescriptions for this week .. one I should've been collecting on Thursday as I have an appointment then.

Well, I didn't know what to do .. they make so much fuss these days about admitting people that if I really didn't need to go I wouldn't .. believe me .. if it'd gone over the line I'd've called an ambulance straight away like I did last time .. no waiting that time and just as well as I had a raving chest infection on top of it all and the quicker that was treated the better. Me letter says that this is sometimes the case. Sometimes it's just me muscles getting stuck in mid spasm and sometimes it's both. I was listening to the sirens going today and thinking shall I or shan't I .. didn't really register anything much yesterday but I really noticed them today. It is difficult to know what to do .. but I wouldn't hesitate to call an ambulance once the problems had got to a certain stage .. I'm used to it now and know what to do .. it did get bad this time but not to the extremes it can do .. well, I have to admit that that was a new one .. but I would've got the ambulance if it'd got worse.

I guess I now have to sit and wait for another night and see what happens .. if it does get worse I'll soon know about it .. me bag is packed .. book, specs and fluffy included. The meds will be needed if I go in over night for my morning dose .. better to have that first dose sorted out .. last time I'd already taken it .. and it's especially important to get it sorted out over the weekend as that can lead to a few problems if it's not .. I think I've always had my MST and cellcept with me though .. everything else has always been on the nurses pill trolley in all doses .. so I've been ok. But, now, I've three days worth of medication packed in one of those little plastic envelopes you can buy in stationers so there'll be no kerfuffle. I've got a copy of my prescription for the month which I'm going to put in the envelope too so that the dosages are there, I mean, I know them .. but to be on the safe side and supposing that I'm too ill to speak and it's a weekend and all that.

Anyway .. a mug of hot chocolate I think and then off to bed. I've stayed up a bit longer so that I can get my last lot of meds in .. took the paracetamol a bit late and there has to be at least four hours between the doses I take. Just moved some muscles in the right hand side of my cheek .. now that did feel strange without being extra painful. Just exercised that bit again and it's made this odd crunching sound and kinda slipped down a little bit again. But, it's just a fraction .. do wonder if this little movement over the last few weeks has stopped me going into hospital again though. It was certainly a bad cold .. infact, after the vomiting I didn't think that I'd be staying out causeI'd obviously damaged something a bit .. but it's settled. I think if they'd been any more symptoms that a way I've gone in whether I'd been collapsing with pain and fever or not.

This thing about paying docs not to send u to hospital is worrying though. I spoke to some nurses about it last Thursday when I was up at the hospital and they weren't pleased at all. I guess this really covers out patient appointments .. I guess some doctors like to play safe .. the nurses did say that some docs do send people when they really don't need to .. but, I'd've thought that was to be better safe than sorry and those docs would still do that cause they'd feel that they were doing the right thing by their patients. They said they thought that to pay docs not to refer people to hospital was awful. I wouldn't've gone in unless I absolutely had to anyway that's for sure but it does leave you thinking .. anyway .. off to get my cocoa and meds and off to bed.

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Been there and back and dropped me prescription in to the chemist .. thought I'd be too late but I made it .. the traffic had been awful on the way there so it was way past 5.30 by the time we started off for the docs .. but, still managed to get everything done. Me meds will be delivered. It's great having a late opening chemist. I was on time for a change this time too.

I feel a lot better .. obviously .. but, maybe, I should've gone into hospital .. it's the first time that things have got to that stage and I haven't needed to. I still don't know if I'll have to go in or not yet though. It's up in the air. All I can say is that as yet things haven't reached the stage where I usually have to go in. I do promise to call immediately if they do though. Feel as if I've been saying that all day .. and I will phone immediately it looks as if they're really headed that way.

People have been a bit anxious, I guess that's the right word, about me not going in. I will though if things reach that stage .. I always have the thing to contact the paramedics on hand .. so, don't worry. And, it always goes the same way .. just this time, as yet, it's not been so bad so I do know what's going to happen. I just can't believe that I've got through it without going into hospital though .. I knew it was pretty awful and that I was as ill as I usually am so expected that I'd have to go in yesterday .. even though I hadn't packed me book .. had the loved fluffy, pills, letter etc but not me book. Last time I took one of me books but not the fluffy. Think the Gordon Smith ones had been making the trip in and out of hospital with me but it could be anyone of a few on that kind of subject. This new book is much more generalised. Or, so it seems .. haven't had the chance to do more than dip in here and dip in there as yet. But, it seems a very lovely book to me .. one to potter in and out of hospital with for those moments when the pain is way, way over the top and then I can think "book" even if I'm a bit disconnected from my own experiences and it'll be there when I'm feeling well enough to read again. Well, any of the books'll do .. but I think that's me favourite as yet.

There is so much about all this out there though .. I've spent a lot of time searching and studying and thinking about what people have told me and what I've read. And, boy, is there a lot to read out there, I've added some to it .. but most people don't .. though I am grateful to those people who've told me a bit too .. though I'm aware that at times it's just been a bit too!! lol!! Why should they cause most times they don't know how trustworthy I am. Margeritta was the person who startled me the most I think. Though quite a few people have had some very interesting things to tell me.

I'm still not sure about reincarnation .. well, not on my path anyway. I still haven't heard anything that I can verify through anyone I know's stories .. but I don't dismiss it .. think on that score I'll just see if anyone's got anything to say that'll make me change my mind. I think there's a chapter about reincarnation in the last book that I started reading .. not sure how to take anything she writes now .. looks as if she was so busy trying to be cynical and send things up that she might've missed quite a bit of what was going on. I can't believe that she didn't take what that woman said as a joke!!!lol!! I've heard it before and thought it meself when reminded about me lack of psychic abilities. I guess there were more than her fellow student who managed to get things right without being too general .. or, maybe, not .. I don't know.. or, maybe spirit was just saying to her .. look .. see .., or, maybe he was just the only one there who could do anything like that .. or maybe it was just a coincidence. Who knows .. not enough was said really.

Perhaps I'll read the chapter on reincarnation next if and when I start reading the book again. Stick with me other book for now. Well, when I start reading again. Will make sure I pack it next time it looks as if there's a hospital trip in the offing too. Couldn't believe that I'd left it out .... it wouldn't've mattered but I'd've preferred to take it with me.

Anyway, going to get something to eat now. Ah, just looked out of the window .. it's stopped snowing. Was amazed when I saw all those large flakes outside .. might have a nice, warming cup of hot chocolate.

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Well, am still here .. going down to the docs and back by car .. obviously can't walk yet. And .. anyway .. it's snowing. Blimey .. wasn't expecting that.

Am feeling quite a bit better .. but I know, from experience, that doesn't mean anything much other than I'm feeling a bit better right this minute. I've been on the phone, chatting away, and, then been in hospital ten minutes later .. on the occasions I haven't waited to see if things get better. I've waited in agony for a few hours before now .. but, these days, if the very chronic pain lasts more than ten minutes I'm calling for medical help.

Actually, best go and wait down stairs now.

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Had something to eat and it's stayed down and I'm feeling a bit better and thanks fer all your support people .. I'll get back personally in the next few days!!

My muscles are still on the move .. it seems that the ones from the right side to left hip are most affected at the moment. I wonder if it was them having moved a bit that saved things from getting any worse over the last few days .. there is certainly something happening .. and although u can't see me at the moment a friend here said that it did look as if things were on the move. And, today, for the first time I'm managing to move muscles in the left shoulder around the shoulder blade .. though it's painful. I suppose if they go into a space where it's making a spot very constricted because not all the muscles have noved around that spot things could get very nasty as far as spasms go when I've got a cold. Sighs, suppose that means I'm not out of the woods yet, huh, as far as this goes.

And, yes, spirit helped me get through, how could it not .. couldn't read my book for extra help, but, yes, there was a feeling that I was going through it and there'd still be a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak .. not a brilliant joke .. but I'm just not up to it today. It is a cool book though and glad to hear some of you have got copy. It's been around for ages .. I think .. well, it's in paperback for now so I suspect so and I've seen it in Waterstones for quite a while.

And it is a comfort, though not in the way I thought that woman would be saying .. it was hard to accept to start off with and I still find it hard at times on a conscious level because of the way it's experienced. I didn't know that I was very ill when I walked through that door .. so wasn't looking for comfort .. just puzzled and curious. A few weeks later I was so glad that I had .. the first time I had a really bad time I felt able to cope with it .. not with the pain .. but with getting through it .. or not .. whichever the case was .. I did wonder if I would get through it but it didn't seem to matter so much.

And, ofcourse, I've been exploring ever since and am very,very, glad that I have. I've read, there's a lot to read, and talked to people, spoken of some of my experiences .. which should touch most people as so many people are said to have them. Say, it's near enough to a half of the population .. then everyone must know someone who's had them.

i'm taing me next lot of meds now and then hoping to get down the docs .. well, if I can't today .. tomorrow .. but will phone them today. I do seem to be some what better.

Tuesday

Still here and've got me pills down ok but am still feeling very ill .. a couple of sneezes before I got up .. but wasn't sick .. just feel very tender and swollen up. Usually, at this stage, I'm in hospital and having to have everything done for me. Last time I was having my sheets and night clothes changed every twenty mins or so for a while because I was sweating so much when I was first admitted. The nurses were brilliant.

Well, for such a nasty bug, it's not been as bad as it usually is .. it's usually three or four days, after admission, til I can walk again. Then I know that it's nearing time to leave. Still a bit swollen but I guess it's started to go down enough to relieve the symptoms I was having before.

I hadn't packed my book!!!! Not that I'd've been able to read anything for a few days anyway if things had got as bad as they usually do .. I think I was expecting, after the second lot of spasms, even though they stopped, that I would have to go in because it did get pretty nasty for few minutes and I think if it'd happened again in the next couple of hours I would've been in because they'd caused quite a few problems .. but, I was lucky, and had this feeling of immense peace and relaxation flood my brain .. and I went to sleep!!!

Hadn't packed my book .. had seen it in Waterstones and was planning on reading it at some point. It's been out quite a while but hadn't got round to it so was nice to spot it in The Wors. It would've been nice to have had in with me .. as I've said I can feel a bit disconnected to my experiences when I'm very ill, though I do still know that they've happened, but I guess coping with the illness is foremost in my mind. Someone had told me about a programe on a local radio station on Sundays that I would probably interested in too and I haven't got round to listening to that yet .. I think it's Radio Coventry and Warwickshire's early morning programme 6 - 9am .. so maybe I won't be listening after all. Just been over to check .. I didn't realise it was that early.

Feeling a little bit better .. guess my pain meds are helping some. As I said usually I wouldn't be able to do anything for myself .. have even had to have my meds fed to me .. at this stage .. and them planned for when I'm not feeling so sick. I had an anti sickness injection in hospital to help with the tummy problem.

Am going to get breafast now .. must admit that I've held out well this time .. managed to stay on my feet and do things for myself .. even if it did get rather unpleasant for a while.

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Well, off to bed. I've been asleep for a couple of hours here on the sofa but I'm still yawning and very sleepy so I'm turning in for the night. Still, feeling rough and had another bout of spasms and was sick etc .. but it stopped and most of the extra pain stopped after a few minutes so I didn't call an ambulance. Gosh .. I'm just yawning and yawning at the moment .. had been a bit a couple of days ago and wondered, along with the watery eyes in the morning, if I was coming down with a cold.

Started feeling very peaceful, apart from the pain, a while later, it was as if my mind suddenly became very relaxed and fell asleep.

Whoops .. fallen asleep again for a while think I better head for bed. Feeling sick again and very tired. Have my bag packed incase I need to go to hospital and can sound my alarm to get the paramedics if I need help overnight.

This morning

Don't feel too good this morning but am sticking it out here at the moment .. if I feel that I need to go into hospital cause things have got worse I'll call an ambulance as usual. Just feel like resting at the moment .. so that's what I'm going to do. Fell asleep while reading last night .. it's just good to have that book in my mind right now. Have sneezed this morning and I thought I'd be calling the ambulance but then things settled down some again .. so I didn't. Was surprized. Have just taken me second dose of oramorph for the day .. was awake at 6.30 and have had my other medication too though waited a bit later for most of that.

Just waiting to see what happens .. guess I've the new bug that's going around ..know someone who had time off with it so it's a tough one. Think, usually, I'd've been in hospital by now .. was very surprized when things did settled down .. ususally when it gets like that it just gets worse very quickly .. I can go from being just as I usually am to needing an ambulance in around three or four minutes .. though I usually leave it longer .. hoping things will get better .. generally they don't. The spasms stopped in around four minutes this time and I wasn't sick .. and the worse pain subsided though it still doesn't feel very good .. guess if it happens again I'll be getting help.

Walking about isn't too bad but I am still rather puffy and constricted.

Anyway .. will see what happens.

Sunday

Have a cold so have stayed in all day and e mailed saying that I won't be going this evening. Would've liked to but think it's better just to curl up here instead. Infact think I'll take my meds and turn in soon .. either just rest or read .. I've a couple of good books to choose from .. got a nice one from The Works to read .. have reads bits here and there and like it .. will read the other one too even though I can't really get into it. Found it in the Science section and it's not really anything like I expected it to be .. but still worth reading. Still think her room mate was joking .. I can remember a friend from years back saying exactly the same sort of thing .. sending herself up .. and it's rather difficult to imagine anyone saying that seriously when it was obviously wrong!!!

I'll be interested to find out where the author's coming from .. she's a psychologist, trained more in the social than the physical sciences .. I think skeptics of that kind tend to go for the comfort explanation .. that people turn to these things for comfort .. and, I guess that can happen but it's not true of everyone. I've heard of lots of people who have found their attention caught by things that have happened in their lives rather than just looking for comfort.

The other one from The Works is just what Iwanted .. many people's experiences. One, I read, while browsing, though very different, had a lot of basic similarities to one of mine ... this one was emotionally very touching and I knew that I was going to get the book as soon as I read it .. just for the price of that cup of hot chocolate .. well, less actually .. hope my friend who I took for the cup of hot chocolate sees it .. she'll like it .. though she tends to buy books by/about the Dalai Lama and Buddhism at the moment.

Well, think I'll have a soya protein drink .. don't fancy any other kind of meal this evening .. it'll either be that or a fortisip. And a mug of hot chocolate .. one I've made myself .. take me meds and turn in .. though I'm not feeling quite as tired as I was .. am feeling rather queasy and my tum and back are sore though.

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I understand why some people don't believe in a life after life .. I was doubtful once though I had an open mind. After all it's really impossible to understand why there is anything at all so keeping an open mind should be sensible and just going over what you experience in life and what people you know wouldn't be joshing you tell you. I forget quite a bit of it now .. though remember the more obvious things. Shame, in a way, I guess .. but I didn't tell people everything nor wrote it down so a lot of it's gone for good.

I do think that there's life after this one now. But, beyond that I haven't such idea. Think the goal is love though. That's the impression I get.

I would still like to have an OBE so that I knew what one was like and could investigate for myself instead of just having 2nd hand accounts but I don't think that I'm healthy enough. Guess I should've had a go when I was having those episodes of sleep paralysis. I haven't had one for quite a long time now and I've a feeling if I did that I'd instinctively try and move my little finger or something to totally wake myself up.

Suppose I should go back to that site I found to see if their free music is back up again and try listening to it through my headphones.

Anyway, off to bed now.

Me book

I still haven't read much of my new book .. just one chapter .. about a visit to a college for psychic learning .. can't remember it's name off hand. The writer is obviously biased but I can live with that and still get something out of it ... though that's made harder by the very short chapters .. each one on a different subject.

I had to wonder at one of the first things she comented on that someone had said, if, that, maybe, she'd just missed a joke!!!! Certainly sounded like it .. as if someone was just having a bit of a giggle at their own lack of psychic ability. lol!!! Maybe she just assumed everyone would be too serious to make jokes. Sounded as if her room mate might've been having a bit of a giggle.

It was interesting though that when she was working she was put with a guy who accurately described a friend of hers who had passed over in the week before she arrived at the college.Without a more detailed description I had almost no idea about what happened on the course .. she picked out about three incidents and we were left to draw our own conclusions from those. Maybe there was hardly anyone there .. but, if that was the case, then those few people would've been doing a lot. We didn't get to know.

Anyway, regardless of her experience with her fellow student, she decided that they were a bunch of nice but inefficient people. I just thought with so little to go on you couldn't really get to knowmuch to decide yourself.

Maybe the experience she had with the student was just a lucky guess.

Who knows

I'll read the whole book but I'm not as interested in it as I was when I bought it..

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Would've tired me out this evening though I would've liked to have gone I guess. I hadn't started going again cause I knew it would be exhausting while I'm like this. Depends how many people who are there how long it would go on for. I enjoyed going before .. was the first thing I went to there ... lol!!!!!!

I'm yawning this evening .. think I'd've been half asleep if I'd been there. Doesn't really matter on the other days but I have to speak more on Fridays and I guess I wasn't really up to it.

A cup of cocoa and a chat and back earlyish is much better at the moment. She thinks I help her but it's two way street. I was thinking of her yesterday .. peered into McDonalds on me way back from Tesco hoping she might be in there .. so I was really pleased to see her too and chat as I'm alway interested to talk and have a bit of a laugh. I was sleepy this evening but she still reckons I helped her.

She was quite tired too I think so a cup of hot chocolate and a relaxing chat must've gone down well I guess.

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Well. did go out, kinda, after all. Went over to Tesco and bumped into my friend who takes me for a cup of coffee at McDonalds when we meet. Well, that was how we got to know each other ... kinda. Started talking in Tesco and then bumped into each other another day and continued our conversation at McDonalds and I gave her the book I'd just bought from The Works as it was about what we were talking about. She buys Buddhist and Buddhist influenced books from The Works as she's interested. I used to call myself a sort of Buddhist and I suppose she's much the same.

She was talking to someone else in Tesco so I just smiled but didn't go over as I didn't know the other person and didn't want to interupt. It's difficult to know what to do in that situation .. I could remember someone saying how rude they'd thought it was when someone came up to speak to her when she was talking to someone else. I wasn't worried though cause I could see that she didn't appear to have done any shopping so thought I'd meet her later on .. otherwise I guess I'd've gone over to say hi .. which I'll do if it happens again ... wouldn't've worried her at all. Or, me, for that matter.

Anyway, took her for a cup of chocolate .. she hadn't the money this time to take me .. and I'd said I'd take her the next time we met .. she always insists on paying!!!! So, was glad that I didn't go this evening really, haven't been for a year or so on a Friday. . must try and get there on Sunday on time .. get up a bit earlier and get me meds sorted out for that day .. it's difficult on a Sunday cause I take the weekly bone sparing pill then which puts everything out of kilter a bit as I have to wait half an hour before having anything else anything else but water.

Anyway, came back and threw me rubbish away .. still slowly sorting. Am getting there surprizingly. I'm wondering if my last cold didn't land me in hospital because the muscles have relaxed a bit so things aren't quite so constricted when I puff up now or if it was just a slight cold. Wondering if I'm due another cold as I was with someone who had a cold this week for a few minutes. Will have to wait and see.

Going to put my meal on now.

friday

Was up quite a bit last night because my muscles decided it'd be a good time to start the rib cage moving quite a lot more again. I wasn't too keen on going back to sleep for a few hours then cause I wondered if the pain would be a lot worse by the time I woke up and I'd have trouble getting up. Had the oramorph and ibuprofen at hand just incase. As it turned out it was a bit worse than usual but not that much .. specially when comparing it to very bad back day a week or so ago. I took me meds before getting up though.

Am rather tired after last night but I guess that's only to be expected. Anyway had my soya protein drink while I was up as I hadn't drunk it during the day .. I'd been to the hospital then to the GP and hadn't got round to preparing it. So, had that while I was up.

Didn't do as much sorting yesterday as I'd've liked cause of having to go to docs and the hospital so think I'll do a bit today after pills and lunch .. I'll have the protein mix now.

Won't be going out this evening either cause the person who was going to drive me there can't make it tonight anyway, after last night, it's probably best tht I just rest tonight .. though I would've liked to have gone .. but really I'm a bit on the sleepy side and might've more or less dozed off during the meditation.

Thursday

Have been resting because I'm rather tired. I think it might be down to the muscle problem rather than anything else .. if I thought that I was slow playing mahjong before .. you should see me now. I just wanted to rest.

The added pain was so much better yesterday though I was very wheezy at times but was back in different places today ... lower back and right side .. but had the oramorph and ibuprofen ready and they helped.

Anyway have me full dose of morning meds down me .. have had breakfast and am now going to get ready for my hospital appointment. Hope to do a bit of sorting before I set off for the hospital.

..............

Up, fed, medicated ... been to Sainsburys.

...................

Well .. did potter along this evening .. a bit late this time .. but not too late .. and the guest said hello to me when I walked in and then looked at me later on. Was nice. My eyeswarered a bit during the last two songs .. The Lord's my Shepherd and God be with you til we meet Again. The songs kinda summed up what I'd been thinking about over the last couple of days and wondering what people really believe about it all in general. Gave me courage to ask the person who gave me a lift back what she really believed .. much the same as me .. and, like me, still questioning.

Someone rushed in with a gift to help keep the place going because she'd received so much comfort with us .. second person to do that recently. Obviously heat .. lighting etc come out of our pockets.

Someone said that I seemed to be standing better and I said that it'd improved .. though not without a lot of effort on my side. The auto immune illness remains the same though. But, I guess that's to be expected .. from what I've read .. if I was one of the ones who did get better than I am at the moment .. it's still very early days. I've said a number of times that I didn't expect things to improve any further while my muscles were still in the condition they are in right now. Not sure that they will even then .. regardless of the oodles of medication I'm on .. but, at the present, I don't think they're likely to.

Anyway .. I'm glad that the woman I was speaking to this evening does believes as I do ... and like me questions it all a lot.

And .. it goes to show .. you never can tell .. looking at her I'd've said she was bouncing with health .. she appears so vibrant .. but that isn't how it is.

Anyway .. better get my pills down and some food .. I'll have some of my soya protein drink tonight I think. You only have to add water and stir!!!!! lol!!! That and a sandwich and me vitamin pill.

...............

Did some work before going out which didn't leave me much time .. I wanted a sweet and sour pot noodle .. but really left it too late!!!! Tesco was closed .. and the shop I went to didn't have that flavour ... sob!!! But never mind .. eyed up another one and came back with that.

Also met a friend that I haven't seen for a long time .. who offered to help me with anything I needed. sigh .. that could be a lot right now .. actually I'm just sorting things through bit by bit .. it did get a bit muddled .. and then decide what I want to take with me .. and eat through the cans of food and cartons of long life soya milk. Not quite sure what to do with my fortisips as I've gone back to the soya protein mix from Holland and Barretts and I've got quite a few left .. maybe I will drink them. I just don't want to waste food or take it with me. Then the rest can be cleared out.

I felt pretty awful when I woke this morning and really wondered if I'd be doing anything today except phoning the hospital and seeing where it went from there .. but things gradually got better.

Was talking to someone else I know earlier .. she has dreams that come true .. but won't tell anyone what they're about because they're too personal. I very rarely remember my dreams .. lol .. but the two I can vaguely remember .. one about my parents and one about Jane who used to co own The Silver Moon bookshop with Sue down the Charing Cross Road weren't anything remarkable .. infact all I can remember now is that's who they were about. Some times I've woken up apparently thinking about things .. but none of that has stayed in my head either so I take it that it wasn't anything very interesting. Sometimes I play songs in my head and wake up to them which is nice but that hasn't happened for quite a while. Finally bought a pair of headphones yesterday to listen to the binaural beats properly.

I would like to now about the dreams cause it is interesting but there's no need. I really think now, after a few years trying to understand what it's all about, that in lots of ways that it doesn't really matter .. I know if I wrote about mine, unless people knew me, people wouldn't know if I was telling the truth or not so it'd be pretty pointless. But, I will take them to the place the woman I was talking to told me about. She told me something about this type of thing that has turned out to be true .. so it can't be that unusual .. and I read something similar when reading a book by someone who'd done a kind of study into it all.

To me, it's proof that there's more to life than meets the eye .. and going by what has happened .. is that .. there's life after life so to speak. And .. from listening to what other people have told me.

But, as I said, it's best to talk to people you trust, cause then they can tell you what has happened in their lives and you know they won't be messing you about. And ofcourse not dismissing your own.

I still find it hard to accept that this appears to be true .. I mean .. what has happened really points towards there being more to life than what appears to be it .. though I don't know how. I take it that there are large numbers of people who feel much the same .. or maybe they're more accepting than I am /.. I don't really know though a lot of people seem to be.

Sunday

Didn't do all I planned yesterday .. and must get a move on. Despite my health giving me a lot of problems the last couple of days because of the muscle problem the days have been good. Wasn't too late in bed last night either and slept through the night.

Must get a move on I guess.

Zzzzzzzzzzz

Saturday is going to be mostly a mixture of sorting out and reading a book .. which I've been meaning to read for three or four weeks now .. but have been just browsing for ten minutes or so before I go to bed. It looks interesting but I've been doing other things and I would like to read it .. so Saturday it is .. about a quarter the way through at least I hope. Down to earth and with a good sense of humour.

Goig to try to get some sleep now .. there's been quite a bit of muscle movement again this evening and I.m not sure that I'm going to find it that easy to sleep . Really didn't seem worth going to bed earlier because my lungs were trying really hard to move my ribcage more and I doubt very much if I'd've got much sleep. Not sure about it now .. but going to give it another go.

I was told earlier that I sounded rather wheezy .. and I did .. but it's in a good cause, Right I'm going to wheeze me way to bed. I've taken sone pain relief and hopefully it might still take the edge of things a bit when I wake up.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hopefully.

Been listening to this which is a pretty gentle and restful

http://www.last.fm/music/Dr.+Strangely+Strange/_/Strangely+Strange+But+Oddly+Normal?autostart

I was looking for something else which I can't find because this come up so often so will have to ask to see if anyone remembers what I was trying to find.

This brings up kinda dreamy cosy 60s memories.

Let's hope I'll fall asleep now.

Mmmmmm .... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hmmmm .... sigh .... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

..................

It's difficult at the moment with the deeper breathing .. quite a job for my lungs to cope with and I can't carry quite as much as I have been. Was lucky tonight when a friend came up and said hi causeI was having a leetle bit of trouble getting back and he carried my bags for me. I'll be more careful in future.

I have some star anise spice to add to my tinned tomato dishes now .. don't know whether to leave the beans soaking in the tomatoes and spices over night in the fridge .. will have to ask. I know he always soaks the soya mince in spices for a while when rehydrating it rather than just putting the lot on to cook but I'm not sure if you need to do anything like that with beans. I add water to the tomatoes when cooking the beans and spinach .. can't remember how much now .. but guess I'll soon find out. Wonder if you should add some water to the tomatoes over night too if you're marinating it all in the spices.

I'm not sure about the star anise either .. but thought it better to try with the ground spice first rather than the whole spice .. guess I could put one whole one in the first time I try just to see what it's like though with the whole spice. Have to look the spice up to see what to do and how much is used. Also wondered how alike fennel seeds and star anise are in taste. I got a jar of mixed garlic and ginger paste too which should be lovely with tomatoes.

Mouth is still a lot better .. the muscles are just an on going thing from day to day .. never really know what they're going to be like in the morning.

Didn't go out tonight .. don't think that I'm well enough really. Will meditate and do those EFT exercices this evening though .. just about ten minutes meditation I think .. and go through the other exercises once.

They seem to work for a lot of people one way or another and I was wondering if they could help with pain control at all for me. I might look into accupressure again too I think. I would have liked to have been taught methods of helping relieve pain that work in tandem with medication .. maybe this will do.

..........

Had to go to the docs today but didn't really want to .. wasn't sure about going out as I'd been a bit queasy. Anyway I was ok and I walked back. A bit slower than I have been for a while cause I was still struggling with the change in my muscles .. my breathing wasn't so easy as I was having to cope with muscles moving that hadn't moved like that for quite a long time and it was really noticeable today. I was really surprized that the new pain had gone so quickly. I'd hoped that it wouldn't be there for long but it had been pretty sore and I couldn't really imagine it fading that quickly .. guess I'd expected maybe another day or so before there was any real change.

Rested for most of today though .. didn't sleep that well last night .. and I was very tired when I woke up this morning. I'd taken my oramorph and beaker in for the morning .. then later on got up to get the rest of my pain meds and filled my last 100ml oramorph bottle with water all ready for the morning . Downed the oramorph but left the rest to take with my other pills. I mean, I was in pain, but the new back pain had gone.

I wonder what this new pain relief they're working on will be like .. it sounded good and will be treating pain in a different way. I expect there'll be other new discoveries too while that one is being investigated.

Anyway, I'm turning in soon. It's so easy to sit up at night .. and I really need to get into the habit of turning in before midnight.

..................

My back was much better when I got up this morning. Couldn't believe it after yesterday. Wasn't feeling that good but the pain that had started a couple of days ago had cleared up. I just never know what things are going to be like from one day to the next. That kind of pain usually lasts a few days. I was half expecting it to be still there when I went to sit up .. but it'd gone.

and ..

Done it!! Woo Hoo!!!

..................

Well, the day was ok and the sharp pains were kept under control to a good extent by the pain relief. I know that it's going to hurt more than usual from time to time as this continues to sort itself out .. and I've had a good run as far as the muscles go for quite some time. It was the right hand side that was really giving me problems this morning and that is only to be expected. The really strange thing was feeling how the muscles had changed overnight ,and, how, when I got up, they were trying to settle down into their new places.

Still, they're obviously on their way again. Even if I wasn't too keen on the way they announced it. The oromorph was good though .. took some before the other pain relief and it did help some by itself. Was out a reasonable amount today trying to exercise the muscles into getting used to moving in their new positions so that the pain subsides some .. and we go on to whatever the next stage brings.

Anyway .. I've got to take those bags down .. didn't do it earlier. Didn't go to my meeting either as needed to get in touch with someone and by the time I'd sorted that out it was too late. Not to worry though but I've wondered how it went .. which is strange as I usually get there so late ... lol!!!!! Dunno why .. but I have missed not being there for everything .. not just the cup of tea and the chat .. maybe because I was on time last Sunday.

It was, for sure, the best place I could have gone to here.

Anyway .. better get moving. I want to be in bed early (ish) tonight .. no more really late nights for me. Well, not many anyway .. don't suppose I'll always get there before midnight .. but I'm going to be doing a bit better than I have been.

Wednesday

This morning was difficult. My muscles had moved a bit overnight again and left me with a lot of back pain. Thank heavens for the oramorph etc. Luckily it was the ind of pain that the pain relief could deal with .. not totally .. but enough. I was taken up to Sainsbury this afternoon and asked the person who took me to walk me out in Leamington first to get a couple of odds and ends cause I really wasn't sure how I'd be .. but I was ok. With the morning's pain you'd think that everything would be sorted out but no it's still just a bit at a time. And I was so tired .. went to check me eyes .. but the irises were fine .. they go very small sometimes when I'm feeling very ill.

Anyway I managed out in town and in Sainsbury so I guess things will be ok. But there was a lot of sharp burning pain as well as the deeper pain .. just sitting up was difficult. Still been here before as me body tries to sort itself out. You just have to go on with things. I've heard enough stories from other people to help and, ofcourse, there's spirit which has been such a help .. just thinking about it all. It's good to know that so many people have them .. I think everyone does .. people don't talk about it much though do they .. and, if they don't .. it could be pushing away by intent or just through not wanting to experience anything like that because of a conflict of ideas and beliefs. I've come to that conclusion just by listening to what other people have said and my own experiences. It's a strange situation though .. but, I expect that every family has it's collection of stories.

I'm happy with my little bundle now. I'll stay with the people I'm with now when I'm back in London .. am very glad that I found them here .. though I wouldn't've thought about going myself I don't think. I'd've said .. not really my cup of tea .. not into things touching on religion .. but it's been good experience. It is certainly the closest to what I'd've liked.

Well, gonna sort some more stuff out .. see how I do .. just taen some more pain relief so that should sort things out for a while. If it's not one thing it's another though .. the cold and now my muscles .. I almost put .. muscles playing up .. there .. but, ofcourse .. it's muscles getting better. But, does it hurt .. but at least the morphine and the rest will help. I was very relieved this morning to find out that it did.

Tuesday

A tiring day .. woke up tired .. hadn't taken my oramorph before going to bed last night .. then didn't wake up during the night so didn't get to take any then .. didn't have a bottle by the bed so wasn't feeling at all good when I got up .. and for some reason or other .. like yesterday .. the knees were aching a lot again though that did wear off pretty quickly.

Mouth still a lot better though .. painful but not so sloughy.

Had a bit of a panic in the afternoon when I thought that I'd lost some of my MST200s .. thought that I might have thrown them away when I'd been sorting out the day before. I could remember taking them out of a bag and putting them on the sofa .. but they weren't there anymore.. so I wondered if I'd got them caught up with the paper I'd moved from the sofa and thrown them away.

Panic .. Panic .. PANIC!!!!!!!

The MSTs are controlled pain relief and if they're lost I have to report to the police station and had thoughts of me going down there and having to have someone try and get the bag, which was way down in one of the bins, out so that we could try and find them. Anyway .. before I went down there I noticed them on the table, where I must have put them the night before, after I moved them off the sofa.

Anyway, I'm off to bed now. Just had a warming mug of soup and am ready to turn in. Have taken me oramorph .. which has probably made me even sleepier .. tends to if I'm already very tired .. and won't forget to take the bottle and a glass with me tonight.

.............

Well, I almost did what I set myself to do today .. not quite though. I'm tired. I might've mislaid my new friends phone number too and I promised to phone her about Friday. Had it this afternoon just can't remember where I put it down .. but I expect I'll find it .. just a bit too tired to go and look now.

The talk, though short, on Sunday, was interesting and touched on one of my questions. She was very honest and I would've liked to ask her questions .. but then I felt that it might be imposing on her privacy so I left it. I feel the opposite of what I used to .. once very skeptical andnow finding it hard to feel the skepticism .. cause it isn't there anymore .. lol. I find myself trying to slip back into me old ways but subconsciously there's now a soft carpet of subconscious acceptance which, though continuously questioned, won't go away because it just seems really silly to dismiss it.

I have been questioning lots of things though .. my own experiences are there for me and those from people I trust and the other way round. Have just found the address of someone I met in hospital who I meant to keep in touch with but lost touch through both of us being ill. Will contact her when I've settled back in after moving. I want to make a few notebooks like the one I started for my brother for a couple of people I know but I'm just too tired at the moment. Infact so tired I'm going to turn in soon.

Really that's all I have to go on .. and the same for everyone .. just ourselves and those close to us at one time or another that we know we can trust .. and, for me, at least, some people than we can relate to for some reason or another. I'm glad that I was accepting this time.

I do think ..wow .. all those people sometimes .. and wish I could hear some more peoples .. but guess that I will have to be content with what I've been shown. As I've said they've provided a knowing place in my subconscious that seems permanent .. though for some reason in my fever the last time I was in hospital I was busy trying to reject it all again .. don't think it really did go .. because the fear wasn't there .. just that the memories were rather lost in trying to cope with the pain. And I am generally questioning on a conscious level.

Going to eat half my sarnie now and that's it for the night ... yawn .. I really am tired. I'm pleased with myself for carrying on sorting out .. obviously I had to stop while I was having problems because of the cold .. it's good exercise for me and I'm so amazed that I can do it. Think I'll be able to travel now without causing more problems cause of my illnesses.

Monday

It was interesting that someone thought that the therapy might work through mirror neurons. I was reading a discussion about how it might work on one of the other sites that I found. I thought that the pressure from tapping wouldn't stimulate the accupressure points enough anyway cause I always thought that there had to be reasonably firm pressure even though how much varies from country to country where forms of accupunture/pressure have evolved.

It's strange .. a lot of accupuressure points have been found to be more richly supplied with nerve endings than the surrounding areas and so would be thought to provide a better release of pain release chemicals from the brain .. but the benefits of using the points are much the same as using other areas. One study in Germany found that accupunture helped twice as many people with chronic back pain using non-points and recognised points than did using more conventional treatments such as medication and heat therapy .. half were helped using accupuncture as opposed to quarter using other methods. I wonder what medication the people were on .. if they were opiates why should stimulating the brain to produce its own opiates .. you'd think in very large amounts .. be more effective than taking them.

Anyway, I'll go with the EFT therapy .. at least it gives you a routine to keep up with .. maybe it'll help with the pain a bit .. won't find out until I try .. will start it as part of a routine with about fifteen minutes meditation tomorrow. I'm tired today .. woke up with very achey joints .. hope I haven't got another cold .. I didn't sleep so well again last night. Mouth still much better though. Am listening to some binaural beats for meditation. I read somewhere that tuning into theta beats can make the brain rest as if you've been asleep .. I guess you have to be resting while you listen though .. and with headphones .. even so it won't be quite the same as sleep .. but good rest anyway. They're meant to help with learning too .. very young children tend to spend more of their time in a theta state which is why it's thought they're able to learn things more easily at that age.

Anyway .. I'm off to do a bit more sorting out now. Well, got me meds to take. I still don't feel that I'm over the cold but I still can't believe that I'm not in hospital because of it. Hope I'm not coming down with another. Maybe it's just having one so soon after the chest infection.

Zzzzzzz

Well, still here. Went out to the harvest festival and more or less got there on time today. Still ok. Didn't ask for a lift there but got one going back .. suppose it would be more sensible to have gone both ways by car today regardless of the exercise walking gives me. Did a tiny bit of sorting before I left and when I came back. Think I've still got the chill cause I feel a bit warm this evening.

I'm better than I was though .. some things have cleared up ,, and the pain has gone .. it wasn't much but I did wonder if it meant another infection was on its way .. doesn't look like it though. And a couple of other problems are better too.

I can breathe more easily though part of that is slight change in the muscles again .. but it was making things difficult when I was walking. I might start doing little exercises again. Just stretching ones .. arms above head and over to one side and then the other .. stuff like that. It's not going to be easy but I think now might be a good time to start doing a few a day.

Anyway going to take my nightime meds and then turning in .. might do a couple of gentle exercises before bed .. don't think they'll wake me up!!!

Am going to get off the web now .. it just got too interesting last night. And if I start reading again I ight get tempted to stay up again.

....

You need to do the following before beginning to tap.



Say three times out loud as you tap the side of your hand ..(karate place).. Even though I (decribe the problem ) I truly and deeply accept myself



Tap the accupresure points .. saying a few words to remind yourself of the problem .. "this problem"



He's not saying anything while tapping on the chakra one because the focus is on the chakras I guess.

Sunday

OK ... so far. Sunday .. so I had to wait half an hour after I'd taken the bone sparing pill before I could take any pain relief which wasn't too good.

My mouth is still a lot better. My lungs aren't too good at all because things are moving more there when I breathe and it doesn't feel too good at all .. but I know that it's a good sign .. just feels rotten.

Went too bed much too late last night .. slept for around six hours though without a break and then did half an hours meditation and concentrated better than I have for along time .. managed to keep my mind on my mantra for quite some time before other thoughts came bustling in for me to think about.

Dunno why this is .. I'd been listening to some binaural beats before I turned in .. though not using headphones and I've done that before without my concentration improving as far as my meditation goes. I've found it quite difficult to stay tuned in to my mantras for quite some time. The only change is doing that taping thing .. the EFT .. and surely it can't be down to that .. and the occasional pot noodle .. lol .. I know that pot noodles aren't the best when it comes to healthy eating but I've taken a fancy to the curry ones .. and, am ofcourse, slightly overawed by my new cooking skills .. just wait til I get on to the packet soups .. lol!!!!! I eat a small tin of peas and carrots with them and a soya desert to help the nutritional value along a bit.

It's difficult to believe that I'm not in hospital .. I keep on thinking .. yet .. in my mind. I do expect the attacks to be as severe again even if I get through this one without having to be trundled along to hospital. I'd think it'd still depend on the severity of the bug at the moment. This is the first time I haven't had to go into hospital since the muscle and bone problems after sneezing and setting off the swelling and spasm cycle. My nose isn't so blocked this morning though I was rather puffy when I got up .. more so than usual. I thought .. on dear .. cause that was what had happened the last time I had to go in .. it wasn't as bad this morning as then though .. but noticeably more than usual. But there was no problem taking my pills .. the last time it was difficult keeping them down .. even after taking a cyclizine which is bad news.

Probably still have my fingers crossed from this cold when I'm wheeled in with the next one!!!!! Well, it's been a long time since I've managed to stay out of hospital with one and this is the longest that I've managed to stay out once the sneezing's started.

Going to do a run through of those exercises now.

They're on youtube.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3hy3POW2BU

Can't actually get that page up from the link at the moment because I've just played the video I'm told. If the link's wrong just type chakra eft into the video search on youtube and a selection of videos comes up and it can be played from there. Think I'll have a look at the next one too.

I have no idea if doing EFT has helped my concentration which made meditation easier but I'll carry on trying it out for a while. I think the person who wrote the wikipedia article about it reckoned it's distracting your mind from other thoughts that helps and someone else thought it was the concentration as I did.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_Freedom_Techniques

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Well .. still here. You know last time I thought that I was going to get through the cold without having to go into hospital as an in patient. I got up that morning to go in for my out patient appointment with no idea that I would soon be ringing for an ambulance again. My face was quite swollen but, if I remember correctly, there were no other warnings. Things were ok until I sneezed again. And then .. the spasms started .. and everything else followed as usual. I still waited a few minutes before calling an ambulance .. around ten if I remember rightly .. hoping that it would stop .. called the ambulance when I realised that it was a repeat of the other occasions ,, infact it was worse than the others had been as far as the pain was concerned.

So .... I've no idea what to expect this time. I hoped, last time, that after a few days sneezing, that my bug was on the way out without me having to go into hospital cause before I'd had to call an ambulance after the first sneeze had started the spasms off. Last time it took three days of sneeezing and I was in more pain than the other times when it did finally start though the sickness stopped sooner.

I dunno .. just have to wait and see what happens.

I know that last time it was probable that I'd caught a nasty bug that had a lot of the ambulance guys in Coventry laid off. So maybe I did manage to hold out for a surprizingly long time considering it was a really nasty bug. And, it was longer than usual .. and a couple of weeks longer than the usual length of times between admissions.

Held out for longer with the sneezing again .. though it's not very long since my last admission .. still recovering from that really.

So will just have to see what happens. I am quite surprized that the sneezing hasn't landed me back in hospital though.

Time to go to turn in .. hopefully when I get up I'll be coldfree and able to do a bit of work round here!!!

Pleased that I got the rubbish down yesterday.

......................

Still here .. done me shopping .. got some containers to store things in for the kitchen for when I start cooking!!!!!! There was a box of them in The Works .. lots of containers in it and most of them very small and to start off with I wasn't sure if it'd be suitable and I just couldn't make up my mind .. but it was very cheap and I guess I can divide half a tin of baked beans between two containers if I have to.

Got my rubbish down .. but sorted that out when I got back rather than before I went. Wanted to get to the chemist but the one I needed to get to shuts early on a Saturday and I was just too late .. doesn't matter though as I'm ok for the weekend. I can phone them and ask them to deliver if I don't feel like collecting the meds that I need.

Don't feel quite so constricted but that might be the oramorph dulling the pain a bit. I've taken the max dose today so far .. usually I try to manage on as low a one as I can so that if the pain does get worse I won't have got to used to the morphine at a high dose. I vary it quite a bit depending how bad the pain is.

Hopefully tomorrow I can start on me bedroom .. just taking things slowly though. It does feel as if things are a bit better though .. which is more or less unbelievable. I just can't believe that I'm sitting here and not in hospital. I really thought that I was going to on Thursday for a while and yesterday morning didn't have me feeling that optimistic either. I realised this morning that it was feeling as if it could go either way as well .. but still it's the longest time out of hospital since a first sneeze since the bone and muscle problems started.

When I was reading about the new pain treatment that's being researched at the moment I found a discussion elsewhere someone mentioned a woman who has bone necrosis brought on by the anti rejection pills she's taking .. hadn't found that connected to cellcept, which fits into that description, but would've been interested to know which ones she's taking .. as I said before I had a bad reaction to one other pill in that category .. the pills are also used as steroid sparing drugs. He said that she needs a different form of pain relief as she isn't finding morphine or fentanyl much help.

Let's hope this new form of treatment will be really good .. they appear to be very optimistic about it.

The morphine plus the other stuff I take just about keeps me going on a day to day basis but if things get really bad doesn't touch the pain at that dose. I hope that this new treatment will be safe and will mean that people won't have to rely on the present drugs so much .. that it will be a better and more viable alternative. Hopefully there'll be much more stuff like that in the pipeline too .. constant pain is very debilitating. It amazes me just how strong some people are.

I will probably do that EFT therapy tonight .. the chakra one .. along with ten minutes of meditation.

Going to get something to eat first though.

Saturday

Well, so far so good .. but I guess things could still go wrong .. my insides still feel more under presure than usual so I guess I've still got to wait and see what happens as far as the cold goes. Mouth still much better though. Guess if I stay out of hospital this time it'll be the first time where I've been sneezing like this and with an obvious cold that I haven't ended up back on the ward since the muscle and bone problems started. I seem to be lasting out longer anyway.

Was reading about a new form of pain relief that's in the pipeline which worls by stopping neurons in the brain from transmitting pain signals. It appears to work better and for longer than morphine. Going to take time to see if it lives up to its promise and is suitable for people to use.

Sounds good though.

Anyway .. it usually takes me quite a few days to get over a bout of extra pain and sickness .. and though it hasn't got that far yet .. I guess this will take the same amount of time to recover from even if it doesn't get that bad. I'm tired this morning too as I didn't get much sleep last night .. though did stay in bed resting til late and did do about twenty minutes meditation which was nice and relaxing.

Going to take my rubbish down then go out for a little while .. then I'll see how I feel .. not going to overdo things.

Right .. take a bit more oramorph. I'm taking my full dose at the moment .. don't always .. but today I'm going for it. Got some pink ibuprofen pills again too .. just take one of those at a time instead of the two little white ones. They're not the only pink pills I have .. the soluble prednisolone mouthwash ones are pink too .. though not quite as vibrant as the ibuprofen .. nor as large .. though they take ages to disolve .. they're tiny but take longer than the fizzy paracetamol!!!!

Anyway .. gonna sort out here and get my rubbish down to the bins and then go out for awhile .. would like to do more but not sure that I'm up to it.

....................

Back just to say that I'm off to sleep. Been thinking a lot tonight and wished that I'd kept a diary of everything that happened through spirit .. don't know why I didn't .. seems absolutely silly now. Was thinking of the good things that have come through it .. I've enjoyed searcching and exploring and talking to people .. love how it's changed my perception of life and how it's made this illness soooooooooooooooo much easier to cope with ... I didn't have to go through any fear .. well, the pain isn't nice .. but there's no fear of dying .. doesn't phaze me at all .. I don't think I view things quite the way people who've had NDEs do .. seeing J's happy face makes me know that my experiences are not the same. With me it's like the experiences have been answering questions .. but staying totally in this world.

I'm glad I found myelf where I did .. through a series of strange coincidences .. and went to investigate just before my illness became apparent .. I could have walked away but I was just phazed .. if I hadn't things would've been very different I think.

Synchronicity .. huh!!!

I hope when I'm back there'll be lots more to hear. I was saying to someone the other day that I thought drink and drugs probably affect peoples knowledge too cause they can never really be clear about a lot of their lives if they over induldge so to speak or do certain drugs. Someone I know is not clear about one OBE .. whether it was a drug induced vision or whether it actually happened .. though he nows for sure that one was real.

I'm going to do two booklets for people here based on the one I started for my brother. I will write about my own experiences and those of other people who I trust. I've only been had someone once not tell me how thingsactually were .. I may be wrong here and she may not have been confused but I think she was relating someone elses experience .. and they were telling the truth.

She was pissed at the time ofcourse.

She didn't used to lie to me at all. Maybe it's just another strange coincidence. Why should she just lie to me about that I used to wish that she wouldn't be quite so open at times.


I doubt that she was intentionally lying ..I mean she just didn't lie to me .. I got the full unabridged version of her life. She didn't hide her drinking from me .. nothing. She got muddled at times though and she was relating something that had happened to her partner and maybe she got the two things muddled up.

I did know that this had happened but knew it had happened to someone else.

Maybe it really did happen to her partner .. I believe that something did, but, I think, and I may be wrong, that she just got befuddled that night when she was telling me about it and got confused and mixed the two incidents up.

That's what I mean by booze and other drugs clouding your interpretation of things. It must be difficult to look back when something strange, for want of a better word, has happened and be sure about it.

I think sometimes people push things away too .. like I did in my thirties .. nothing like that had happened before in my life .. and after I'd asked for it to stop happening .. it didn't happen again for a long time. It was very apparent by the fact that nothing so obvious had happened before and then didn't again til a few years ago. I've met two other people who's experiences have started off the way mine did .. much to my surprize .. so not very unique at all.

I was told by someone who new a lot about these things how things would progress this time and she was totally right .. so it's not unusual .. and I've also now read something that points to that being true too by someone who was researching it.

But, yeah, it's been brilliant. I said I was scared this time .. well, not much. One thing got me but that was all .. and after that I was fine. Spirit is just proof and that is nothing to be scared of .. it'll come in different ways.

I think, apart from clouding your perception with mind altering drugs, that you can stop them but your attitude .. though they do happen to sceptics too as I've found out ... but, I've an idea that these sceptics don't have closed minds and that they are like I used to be sceptical but not closed.

Anyway, I hope it continues .. or, if it doesn't .. maybe I've had my lessons now, that I have other people to talk to who can tell me more. Ofcourse, I'd like to now everyone's experiences along these lines .. I've told people a few of mine over the net on the boards and blogging etc .. more than I've had tell me things . hope that I will get to hear many more .. maybe when I join in more with some of the net people and get to know them better .. and, ofcourse, when I've moved. Will be talking again and there are lots of different places to go.

I was told a story last week but it was just a"feeling" one again. A lot of the stories round here seem to be like that .. it may be that I just don't understand that because it's never happened to me .. this time the person who had the feelings was very convinced as apparently he ran out of the building saying he'd never go back .. and he'd only been delivering something!!!!!!!!

I feel very comfortable with my experiences now. Makes sense to me. I would like to know more. I would like to now how this all started .. how there can be anywhere at all .. just the question about there being something for universes and galaxies to be in for it all to have unfolded in is so amazing. But, ofcourse, I'm not going to .. it'd be too much for my brain to understand I reckon anyway .. point zero is a strange concept. I'd like to know what the point of being here is. I do believe from my experiences that there is a point rather than it just being a muddle through but that it's difficult to grasp until you reach a certain age because your mind isn't really prepared to be focused on such things til later in most cases .. not all .. but wordly problems are the most important early on and tend to block out other feelings and senses to a great degree for a lot of people. I know I'm a lot different now in my acceptance and approach to these things.

I've cut back on my dairy produce a lot .. but not completely .. I waseating a lot of dairy yogurt before but have cut down on that a lot and have replaced most of it with vegan food again .. but, not all. I've never really got used to having dairy produce for food again .. apart from a couple of flavours of ice creams and milky drinks haven't really liked it much .. actually found a sandwich difficult to eat the other day because I was finding the taste and texture really strange and to be honest, yukky. It was then that I decided to eat more veggie things again. I have my soya milk for my porridge and I'll start working other things out again too.

Anyway .. off to bed now.

Let's see how things are when I get up. I'm still puffy round ribcage and tummy .. there's still a feeling of greater pressure there than usual .. but let's hope that will ease while I'm sleeping and that this time my cold won't've landed me in hospital. Still not out of the woods yet though .. but, fingers crossed. My mouth has been so much better over night .. slough (pronounced sluff) wise for the past three nights.

Doesn't mean that I'm not going to end up in hospital again though .. I usually do .. and last time it took three or four days of sneezing before things got so bad that I needed ambulance.

Anyway .. off to bed. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

.................

Well, still here and not in hospital but am obviously tight inside from the swelling from the bug .. but it hasn't gotten worse so no calling the ambulance .. medication and letter still in bag though .. it took a few days last time to reach the point where I needed to go to hospital. I'm still wearing my admission wrist band from the last visit .. might cut it off if I get through this ok!!!!!

Read about Wendy Richards today and felt sad .. used to watch Are You Being Served but haven't really seen much of East Enders so I remember her back from those days doing comedy.

Hopefully I'll be packing my bags again tomorrow .. haven't felt like doing anything much the last few days .. have pottered out a bit but that has been it. My stomach really is tight this evening .. don't know how much is due to the cold though some of it must be cause I felt it starting to happen after the first sneeze a couple of days ago.

Been over to Tesco but really didn't feel like doing anything else. Could have had a lift to the Friday evening meeting tonight .. one of the reasons I'd stopped going was because my friends don't go to that but someone else has offered to take me now .. but I just couldn't go this evening. Not up to it at all. Haven't been on a Friday evening for a long time. She is such a lovely woman though. Hope we stay friends after I've moved.

I could do some meditation here anyway .. or something that has you concentrating and away from everyday thoughts anyway .. that's not how it's supposed to work but that is what it does .. and I've read around and seen that other people have thought this too. Should be good for me to do as well as fifteen minutes of meditation aday as it is focusing my mind.

It's EFT Emotional Freedom Techniques

http://www.tapping.com/videos.html

I've gone for the first video to learn what to do .. and, if nothing else, it does focus your attention and the last one which is a bit like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time ... lol .. but again it really has you concentrating.

Have just started reading some forums attached to a related site to see what people make of it .. so far opinion is very divided which is what I'd expect for something like this .. the people discussing it are very together so maybe they've become very focused or something .. lol again .. even if not all their problems have been solved by the technique.

Friday

Well .. I've obviously got a cold .. am bunged up and snuffly this morning. Hopefully that will be that now .. but just incase things get worse and I have to go into hospital for a few days I have ot ready to go .. letter written for ambulance crew .. pills sorted and a few things packed.

Hopefully I won't need to go but it's best to be prepared .. I'm not usually .. this only started happening regularly this year .. maybe something to do with the huge mounts of steroids I was on there and the two steroid drips that I had .. just had a bad reaction to them I guess. Still I'm walking better again now .. though won't be trying to break any records today!!!!!! Luckily my appointment at the surgery was yesterday when I wasn't quite so bunged up.

I do have extra muscle pains this morning but my face wasn't at all swollen when I got up .. now that is unusual even if I don't have a cold .. I'm usually just a bit puffy .. always thought that might be a reaction to the steroids because these ones .. not the anabolic ones .. the two are very different .. can make you swell up quite a bit facially if you have to take them in large amounts. This happened with the first steroid sparing drugs I took but no one could be sure that I had an allergy to them because steroids can cause that to happen and I was on a high dose of steroids at the time. Thought it was though cause I'd noticed that it had started with the steroid sparing drugs and not the steroids so they were swapped for the cellcept and the swelling went down. Might have been a reaction between the steroids and the steroid sparing drug I guess.

Got my pills down this morning with no problem ..and again my mouth wasn't so bad over night .. really surprizing as I've got a cold. Usually goes the other way. .

Still I've just got to sit it out now and see what happens.

....................

Was reading one of the paranormal debunking sites last night and was interested to see that some of the debunking around cold reading was just as silly as people who stage it all. It's the first one I've read .. I've been on Richard Dawkins site .. but that is the nearest .. and I now bout some mediums" being caught faking it.

I've st through physical manifestation demonstration .. not that anything was manifested though we were told it was going to be .. much to my disappointment .. no ectoplasm floating around that night. All that happened was that she said that she was channelling her guides and she spoke in various accents and tones throughout the performance.

One of the guides seemed to get her relationship to the previous one totally wrong judging by what he had said. Though this could have been just part of his personality as he got quite a bit of the history of his times wrong too even when talking about things he'd been part of.

Last, but not least, it turned out that along with White Eagle Jesus was one of her guides. He had us guessing who he was for a while .. what a wag he was that night.

The guy next to me echoed my feelings at the end of the evening by saying that he wouldn't bother seeing her again and when I mentioned her a while later a friend said she was obviously a fake.

Thank heavens for that.

I was reading how someone similar .. who was manifesting as well as channelling was caught out when the lights somehow or other switched on for a couple of minutes then just as eerily switched themselves off again.

The only explanation I could think for that was that someone had been in the fuse cupboard and had pulled the main switch a couple of times to show what was happening though no one said they had which may have been a bit surprizing cause the guys explanation as to why he was partially free do do his special effects was eventually accepted.

Perhaps s/he just thought what they'd done was enough and when, against the odds, the explanation was accepted .. there was no point.

Maybe .. it was just one of those things though .. another piece of synchronicity or coincidence. Who knows .. ofcourse if no one had done it then there wouldn't be anyone to say anything about it.

I wassurprized though when reading this page supposedly debuning false psychics that a lot of the things mentioned did nothing of the ind such as giving information that had no relevance to anything that wassaid after it was given .. seemed to happen a lot .. why mention it if it wasn't relevant .. in some ways it would spoil the case the person was trying to make I think by putting any relevant info, if there was any which there didn't seem to be, amongst a load of information that wasn't so it'd get kind of lost there.

And going on saying that surely anyone trying to get through would be more specific .. well, you'd think so wouldn't you.

But .. maybe that is just the way it is.

Because that .. would give the game away .. apparently much the same as it is in science in some ways.

It is very confusing and this is why the little voice in my head will keep on going .. "surely not" when on another level I think that surely when something has been repeated often enough it'd be silly not to take notice and if in taking notice you realise that it'd be silly to reject things .. I mean really logically ...

I was reading a little bit in a book yesterday .. didn't buy it so I can't look it up .. but it was about things that scientists believed that couldn't be proven .. where someone said much the same .. if it keeps on happening you can't just dismiss it .. I'll add there comes a point where can seem more farcical to dismiss it than to go towards accepting it .. or, eventually, after a long while, accepting it on some level or other .. though still wishing that it can be proven .. when maybe there isn't a way that it can except theoretically after a long time and many happenings.

I just don't know.

......................

Did sneeze again this morning when I got up .. the biggest sneeze since I developed these problems .. there was a time when my ribcage would hardly move at all .. and I felt a little queasy and I could feel pressure from the extra swelling/puffiness caused by the bug .. so I sat here and waited .. didn't know what to do .. whether to phone doc or hospital .. should I go in now just incase things got to how they have before in this scenario. If they did I'd rather already be there than have the ambulance ride there once things were already in motion on the pain/spasm etc scenario.

I did what I always do .. sat and waited to see what would happen. Took me pills and oramorph .. they stayed down .. and no wretching either which was a good sign. So I sat and played some games thinking god .. I'm sitting here doing this when maybe I should be on my way to hospital cause, even though I was in hospital under week last time, less than usual, to start off with the pain and sweating etc seemed worse than before .. well, it was worse .. now I'd mega sneezed .. for me .. and wasn't feeling too good and just didn't know what to do.

It soon became apparent that things really weren't going well .. but I settled down again ... and sat .............................

Eventually .. apart from extra achiness around the tummy .. things seemed much the same as usual .. though I had a cold .. just didn't know if I had a bacterial infection as well.. or if the puffiness would get worse even if I hadn't.

I did a spot of tidying up .. not much .. just making sure there was no food left lying around incase I did have to go in.. and things didn't get worse .. so decided to potter the few minutes up the road to the chemist .. and I was ok.

Off to the surgery now.

Back again .. got a cab down but walked back .. probably not the most sensible thing to do but I felt that I could .. so I did. If there's no more sneezing I should be fine .. if there is I guess I could be back in hospital but that could have happened whether I walked back or not.

Left my doc a note to say I'd sneezed again this morning .. saw the nurse and picked up my script as they were still there .. guess the chemist would have picked them up tomorrow.

Must say it felt as if my muscles in my back were moving more both on the way down there and on the way back regardless of any extra puffiness from my cold .. I felt every jolt as we drove down there and things seemed a bit different as I was walking back .. though maybe it's just an illusion from the puffiness .. maybe it's just making thing feel different.

.........

Well, off to bed .. almost midnight again. Would have gone earlier but have been catching up with people.

Tomorrow .. hopefully back to the sorting out etc. Me stomach's a bit painful tonight again so I've no idea if I'm going to find myself back in hospital or not.

Been reading up a bit on the net too. Some of it very interesting. I was wondering just what people involved with spiritual things who deliberately lie really think about life after life. I have no idea what it's like if there is one .. but if love is the answer then anything like that must come further down the scale so to speak. Generally people who don't want to believe that love is the answer will disbelieve whatever anyone tells them. They might want to find out if there's anything like The Secret involved in it .. otherwise .. no.

It amazes me that people will believe anything like The Secret for very long .. I mean .. just look around the world and life has been on this planet for a very long time. It's a simple concept from what I believe and people would have noticed if things were that way. Same with anything like that.

I believe that if there is life after life .. and I know that I do believe that on a deep level ..subconsciously but that my mind finds the concept hard to take in .. but not as hard as the idea of all that lead to the formation of all that we know being here in the first place .. because something coming from something is easier for the mind to accept than the seeming formation of something from nothing .. it had to start sometime but why was there anything there for it to start in or from!!!! That is a much harder concept. But it's a tangeable concept.

I think there's a hazy connection between different worlds or planes .. maybe somethings are easier to get through than others. I don't now. There is one thing that if I knew was true I would be as sure as u can be about all this .. but .. I don't know if this person waslying or not. It concerns two people .. the first person was being truthful .. of that I'm sure .. the second person I'm not so sure about .. though she did alter things enough for them not to be out of date .. leaving the things out that weren't relevant by date anymore. But, I just don't know. The first person was quite strange with the way everything she said tying in .. it wasso strange .. but, the second time .. just blurted out before I left was some of that info again .. leaving out that which wasn't relevant anymore.

I just wondered if there was anyway she could've found out .. if not bit was another strange coincidence .. but I don't know. I could contact the person I think is truthful in all this.. and had a chance to do this easily for quite awhile but left it much too late .. now it's not so easy.

On a subconscious level I'm aware that it doesn't matter really about that .. but I would really, really like to know.

Guess I'll just have to let it go though.

And .. just work on .. love is the answer and potter on.

I do think that people's own minds stop them from having experiences of that kind or forgetting them if they do. I have never .. obviously .. forgotten that afternoon I pottered home completely blitzed by what had been going on .. it didn;t occur to me for ages tht it had stopped .. I just stopped thinking about it when it stopped happening which was strange considering the way it affected me.

Before that happened I didn't believe in anything else but here and now but I should hope that I had an open mind about things .. cause you can't possibly dismiss something out of hand as big as that especially up against the amazing fact that there is anything here at all.

I realized that as far as I was concerned that magic was a religious rite and or a psychological tool. I can remember being told if I didn't believe everything in one wiccan course I did .. with a woman called Elizabeth .. that she'd threaten me with her .. um .. magickal powers .. she did this with all her students I found out when I asked around .. this was a long time ago when I did my little flit through the pagan world .. not recently I might add People told me that she had um .. problems including a power over complex .. I told her what she could do with her magickal powers .. and reminded her that this was going outside of her religious creed .. do what you will be all the law be that it hurt none. She was relying on the psychological effects of her words. I'd been intereted in finding out what it was all about .. but as there were different strands of Wicca .. the religion had split .. Alexandrian and Gardnerian along with Dianic and solitaries and I expect other forms .. some claiming to be the only true way along with heated arguments .. I guess it would have taken much more than just one course. I dunno .. in the end though I decided that I really wasn't cut out for religion. I read a lot and it all seemed nice to tie in with the Wheel of the Year .. the celebration of nature through the seasons and religious symbolism .. but there was masses of religious ritual .. don't know what else I really expected really. I tried quite a few things .. the Servants of Light based on the Kabbalah and the tree of life, something similar based on Ancient Egyptian religion and the goddess Isis.

It just wasn't for me.

I told quite a few people what was going on and about some of the homophobic tripe that I'd read in one of Kevin Carlyon's magazines .. I wrote about that earlier on in my blogs last time I discussed all this but it might've gone now .. and they removed the magazine from Mysteries .. and that second hand bookshop that that Druid guy with the curly who sadly passed over some years ago used to manage .. the shop has moved now .. can't remember it's name .. Skoob???? Something like that anyhow.

Anyhow .. better get to bed and get some sleep.

Wednesday

Was taken to Sainsburys early this afternoon then walked to our meeting in the afternoon .. but just got there in time for tea. Did actually wonder if it was worth going at all but decided to go anyway and was pleased I did.

Someone hadn't been there on Sunday and I'd worried but things are fine and I've her phone number now which is great .. friendship doesn't end just cause someone is moving away.

Wasn't sure what was going to happen today cause I sneezed this morning .. I just sat for a while wondering what to do .. whether to phone my GP or the hospital to see if I should go in anyway but then decided that it was best just to sit it out and then if things got really bad to call an ambulance .. fortunately I was ok. I could feel that it had affected me a bit .. my muscles were swollen. My face had been puffy again when I got up this morning the same as the morning on my last stay in hospital and after sneezing I could feel tightness in my tummy and chest so I was obviously swollen there too .. though not too badly.

Anyway, decided not to get in touch with the medics and by the time I was due to go out I was still feeling more fragile than usual but had taken pain relief that had helped a bit and decided to go.

Came back and had a rest then set off again.

Didn't do any sorting yeterday or today in the end .. I'd fallen asleep on the sofa last night .. woke up about fiveish then went to bed for about another four hours slightly restless sleep.

I have come to the conclusion that not everyone who says they believe through proof and/or faith in life after life has a very strong belief. Well, I suppose that's an obvious statement really but I'm not talking about people who are on the Lobsang Rampa path .. I see that he's listed on Wikipedia's Paranormal hoaxes.

http://en.wikipedia.org/Category:Paranormal_hoaxes

There, presumably to make money.

Why it's best to just stay with your own experiences and those of people you know and trust. Keep on saying that because that's how it is .. the experiences are apparently very common so there have to be people in nearly everyone's lives that have had them and who they trust.

But I guess if you go on about not believing things like that it's feasible that you won't be told. I tend to be like that .. because there doesn't seem much point saying anything if people have closed their minds. If they are undecided that's a different matter because that means they still have an open mind. I have made exceptions with some people I know who seem to be much in the same position that I used to be .. not really believing but not closed to anything coming from people I trusted that was there for me to mull over.

I believe innerly, certainly on a subconscious level, that this is true now .. though there is a little voice in me that says .. how can it be true becauseI can only reach out and touch the world as I know it in this dimension .. then I think well thinking that it might be otherwise is nothing compared to trying to work out how all this came seemingly from nothing .. going further and further back in the evolution of galaxies etc to point zero .. that is the difficult one. lol!!!!!!!!!!

Science can't take us completely either way and I doubt if it ever will causeI don't thin it's meant to but I' probably wrong .. might depend how long we've left on the planet .. but on the other hand maybe the universal mind or whatever is out guessing and out smarting us .. as that tarot reader I overheard in the shop, Mysteries in London, said .. it'd give the game away.

But .. maybe the universal mind or whatever really doesn't give a hoot about it .. lol .. maybe it's just some of our minds doing the moral maze dance .. thinking well, if we knew then we'd all be good or whatever and we wouldn't be able to make individual choices that are our own. I mean that's how I see it and how the guy in Mysteries saw it because we obviously believe we're here to prepare for the next step.

And both of us had come to the conclusion that the top of the list on the other side is love.

I was talking to someone today who's a member of the Sufi religion .. another I was once attracted to .. though I decided that religion was not a path for me. She is a very nice woman .. I am on their healing list.

Must say that I am being kept bouyant. Though maybe I'll be back in hospital soon again from the effects of this cold .. at least I have my meds packed this time and in my bag .. just in case .. I've obviously got a slight temperature at the moment so I'll just have to wait and see. Amazing that my slough has cleared up a bit if I have .. it's usually the other way round. Also I've had a slight sore throat which you'd think would have me producing lots more of the stuff .. slough rhymes with stuff .. I think the spelling's right.

Haven't written a note though .. guess I should do before bed because when the spasms and pain get underway I'm not very lucid and last time they thought, to start off with, that I'd taken too much morphine trying to control the pain .. no, I'd rung for help becauseI knew that my present morphine dose wouldn't come anywhere near controlling the pain I was in .. and I would never up it without the say so from a doctor and I'm very careful about taing my medication because of the type of pills etc I'm on. The results could end up with more pain, sickness etc and I don't want that .. a couple of times I've had to go without causeI wasn't careful enough about checking and marking .. now I put it all out in a glass or glasses including the liquid stuff .. but the pills are counted out into a glass and checked now. Though I do the checking just visually and then mark the whole lot off rather than marking each different medication separately. I have a check list for what's in the glass .. though I do remember ok.

Right, about time to go and do the cellcept and MST .. then finish y chickpea salad .. I put some soya yogurt over something similar yesterday which was nice .. I'm cutting a lot of dairy out of my food again now .. won't be quite back as a vegan but moving that way.