...........................

Just going to play a couple of games .. drink me soup .. Tesco's creamy tomato .. very nice!!!! .. Then do a few exercises .. still just stretches .. then off to bed .. wish there were more hours in the day, and that I didn't need so much sleep .. but I do.

This evening made me laugh .. in a good way. I did go for healing this week .. last week I had to leave before my time came round .. well, I didn't have to in any way at all, but I didn't want to keep people waiting .. and the person infront of me had things to talk out. Poor woman was upset that I'd missed it. I get healing sent every day anyway. It's good to remember that cause it should focus my mind on doing the things I should be doing.

I'm not sure whether to put a friend's name in the healing book in the hope that it might give her a bit of a boost knowing that it's there.

Right two little games .. a bit of stretching and off to bed.

..........................

Well, pottered off again this evening .. late as usual. Our guest couldn't make it .. dunno if she'd got the chest infection that's doing the rounds here at the moment .. so other people there stood in for her. I enjoyed the evening. Pleasant evening out too .. not too cold at all. Pleasant to walk there .. well, if you know what I mean .. nice weather and atmosphere even if I had to stop a few times on the way. I think the walk was marginally easier than it has been for a while.

Handed my biscuits in .. we'll begin them next week.

It was a very pleasant evening.

Right, going to put my dinner on now .. oven's been on for a while so it should be ready. And, after that, to bed I guess.

...................................

Well, ended up buying a tin of mixed choccy biscuits rather than a cake .. and that's for St Nicholas Day and my birthday. Suppose I could've got something in the week for my birthday really . but thought I'd get it for now .. or maybe save taking it in til my birthday .. I don't know. Think I'll take it in now .. people will enjoy them more now I guess than around Christnas and it is a nice treat.

People usually buy a cake for their birthday to share .. the last lady bought two .. a victoria sponge and one of those oblong chocolate special occasion cakes from Tesco. When I got there there was only one slice of victoria sponge cake left and lots of the chocolate one .. my friend asked if I wanted a piece of cake .. to let me choose first .. lol!!! I said I'd leave it cause I suspected she'd go for the victoria sponge .. and she did. After all she's going to enjoy it more than me these days .. or so I thought. But then I thought I'd try a bit of the chocolate cake. I thought the cakes were home made like the ones that had been brought in for the table top sale .. the individual chocolate ones but when I mentiond it later it turned out to be from a shop .. noticed it later in Tesco .. it was very nice and I was glad that I'd waited cause I would've gone for the victoria sponge cake .. which I'm sure was very nice too.

Was talking to someone here about the biker's trial when it was all over the press. He said that he didn't understand how they had hoped to get away with it and I said it was pretty odd but thought that their minds were probably blown with drink and drugs. He said that it reminded him of Rabbi who was a biker in Leamington back in the 70s who got caught up in the drugs war .. I expect lots of people will remember him .. he apparently was very, very beautiful .. descrilooked like a young Jimmy Page with masses of tumbling blonde hair. He said that he thought Rabbi was very deep and profound because he was often so silent but then realised that the guy had fried his mind with the drugs he'd taken.

Wonder if that was part of the problem aroud what took place on the M40. Along with a rather displaced sense of right and wrong.

I would love to be able to ride a bike again .. just for the sense of freedom in the open air. I just potter around now very slowly .. though walking is much better than it was .. most days .. some days are difficult but generally things are much better but I would never ris driving in any way because I don't think it would be a good idea with the pain I'm in or the medication I'm on .. that slows my reflexes up a bit I think. Everyone tells me not to risk it and they are totally right. A bike would be far more dangerous than a car so that would've been out really anyway but I wouldn't risk driving a car either at the moment.

Woke up this morning thinking of the woman I was talking to yesterday .. it was a happy exchange of information. She possibly had discussed the phenomena with no one at all except her partner who it happend to .. I told her that it was very common .. she had no idea. I doubt if she uss a computer so wouldn't be able to research it that way. I'm saying that it's possible that she hadn't discussed it with anyone cause she had no knowledge about it and she was a very intelligent woman.

Also thought about the newer butterfly story I read. There wee a few more stories to read and I noticed that there weren't very many mags left. Don't usually read that but decided to after reading somthing else on the cover. Was going to have a rumage amongst the yoga mags after seeing some guy reading one today but there wasn't really time. I'm wondering just how much yoga could possibly help me .. not just the meditation side but doing the physical exercises too. I do a few stretching ones but maybe I should read up on it more again.

Saturday

Was up much too late last night cause of health problems .. still, thought it best to stay up til I knew things were going to be ok. I'm very tired this morning though. Still it's better to be feeling tired than feeling worse cause I didn't sit up. I am tired though.

While I was sitting up I realised that another good thing about realizing that spirit is there is not feeling lonely. You know not feeling that you are on your own in a melancholic being born into the world alone kind of way.

I read another story where a red admiral was busy flying round someone's head with excellent timing. Not as spot on as the last one but a neat bit of synchronicity. Made the guy very happy too. I guess butterflies symbolise a change from the caterpillar through th cocoon to a butterfly.

.............................

The good thing about having to think the new medication situation through was to find out that I really am not afraid of dying. I did wonder if I'd become a bit depressed about it all .. but, no .. felt very peaceful about it all. Nice to know that I really do feel that way. It did put it to the test a bit again. This time without me being very ill in hospital.

My friends who I gave the book to believe in spirit .. I hope the book brings them a lot of peace too. The lady with facial cancer believes in spirit so the book will just confirm her beliefs.

It's a very nice book. I've found another copy too so I won't have to give my own copy away.

Couldn't get my oramorph today bcause there'd been a recall .. no real problem more that it just didn't taste too good .. think I might've had a couple of bottles from one of the affected batches .. there was a slightly stronger taste .. nothing much though.



http://www.totalrecallinfo.com/freerecalls,php?id=8143



I have a little to spare so hopefully I'll be ok. I suppose, otherwise I'd have to ask for a substitute pain killer. Might not be a bad idea really ,, could be a chance to try something new maybe. If it's not sorted out by Monday I'll have to give the surgery a ring.

Anyway, I'm ok over the weekend.

Off to bed now. Was going to have a couple of crumpets and Marmite to kind of settle the stomach but I can't really be bothered.

...........................

Off to bed soon .. I'm still tired. Could've gone out tonight .. but absolutely no go. I mean really. Yawn!!!! Better to curl up with a book and then go to sleep.

I'll get me meds down and go.

Friday

Was late getting to sleep last night but then slept for around seven hours so not too bad. Felt pretty rough when I woke this morning. There'd been some very noticeable muscle movement last night and I wondered what this morning would be like .. pretty much as I expected and that has really made my mind up not to try this new medication yet. I don't think that it would be a good idea.

See how I am in about six months time. If things are a lot better by then and I feel I've given things enough time to settle down then I'll think again .. but not til then. There are two other options .. one which was put forward as a possibility when I went to see the doc at Leicester the first time and I'll ask about that .. but not this other medication yet awhile. There have been good results with it but it can produce swelling amongst other things so really I can't try it. Pity but there you go. I also think as I've avoided other side effects with the Cellcept it might be best to leave it for a bit longer, as other people with the illness have said that it took three years to really sort it out on Cellcept it'd be better to wait and see if the same happens to me .. if not then I can think again. Maybe one of the other treatments will be give it the boost thats needed .. who knows .. maybe not.

But, as far as the other medication goes, it'd be a last resort at the moment and even then I might say no to it. Infact, would. .. I think .. can't be 100% certain .. but I'm 99.9999% sure that I would. Not too difficult a decision in the circumstances.

...............................

I was talking to someone whose good friend has facial cancer last week. I suppose my own illness resembles cancer a bit in that it's just the body going wrong and I could identify easily with what she said .. especially as i've had/have similar symptoms.

I have no idea if the number of people who develop auto immune illnesses is greater than the number who develop cancer. I'd imagine they are about the same really. I think only skin cancer is sun related as far as cancer goes while I know of three auto immune illnesses that can be a reaction to the sun. Still can't remember the other auto immune one apart from lupus and my own .. guess there could be more. Lupus is the most common and is becoming more common.

I expect that I'll end up with both!!! I think rheumatoid arthritis is the most common auto immune illness .. same as mine except that the immune system attacks the cartiledge between the joints rather than the connections betwen the skin layers.

I felt a lot of empathy towards the person with facial cancer because of the similarity in symptoms .. obviously not identical but knowing how it was affecting her made it very easy for me to empathise.

I'm very glad she'll be getting the book .. I knew that it would be going on to her anyway when I gave it to her friend. I did give it to her though because she'd helped me out twice .. once without realizing it .. lol!!!! I had no idea back then just how much that was going to help me. She was helping someone else and she's helped me and, I think, someone else by doing that and putting the idea into our heads .. though my other friend might've gone down that route anyway .. I don't know. Can't say if I would have or not .. but I know that it was her talking about it that brought it up in my mind .. in my other friend's mind too .. and, maybe, we wouldn't've thought about it without her having mentioned it .. I just don't know. Her talking about it certainly made it seem worth a try anyway. She also told me something else that was very useful to know and made me empathise a lot.

Then offered me a lift.

I offered her the book.

I think that book is one of the best bargains I've come across. Giving the books away has only been repaying what other people have done for me one way or another really. It was nice to be able to do it in the packaging of that particular book.

The people getting the books were soon planing on who they were going to lend them to. I guess the books'll be travelling far and wide. I had planned on taking them back with me .. well, all but one, but that's not how it's worked out .. mainly because people I've met here seem to be less aware of synchronicity/adc generally than where the books would've been going.

I'm going to write down a few experiences from my own copy and pass it on too .. not to someone here but to someone who was let down by her own newly formed beliefs .. I did warn her that she was being conned but there you go. But people are free to form there own beliefs in these things so I just sighed to myself and put me paw of friendship out.

I was soon proved right .. but haven't mentioned that aspect of it. Think we'll become closer friends because of it. I'd like her to have the book .. give us a base to talk about related things on .. if she wants. I'm not so fussed anymore .. though I do like hearing other peoples experiences if they want to tell me .. doesn't matter if they don't. The book on synchronicity and that last book just tidied things up for me.

I expect that I'll get to hear a lot more though.

..................................

Well, bought her a cup of hot chocolate and gave her a copy of that book. Lol!!!!! Oh my indeed. She can get 'em in next time, huh.

She was pleased with the book.

Guess we'll be having quite a similar evening as she's eating the same as me tonight and we've had a cup of hot chocolate and maybe we'll be looking through the same book.

She'd just come back from an outing with some of her friends. I saw her in Tesco but was just going to go without saying anything cause I was feeling rather tired .. but then changed my mind. Was glad I did.

I know what the medication is now that I might be trying and am very glad that I missed my last appointment in Leicester .. there was no way i could've taken that while I was having the bouts that kept on landing me in hospital. see what I'm like in a few weeks time. It'll be interesting to see how i manage the journey to and back from Leicester too .. think I'll be much better than when I went before .. still had a lot of skin damage then and it made it a lot worse .. was still getting those blisters on the feet too which very rarely appear now .. and they're nothing like they were. So, should be a lot better.

The medication is used for lupus too which is another auto immune illness that can be brought on by the sun and as I've said it's becoming more common now. Basically if you have any chest problems while on this medication .. it's given intraveniously .. call someone immediately. I really don't think I'll be trying it yet. I know things are a bit better but I don't think it'll be a good idea just yet awhile. There are a couple of other things to try. At the moment I don't think the other medication'd be a good idea for me. Once my muscles are a bit better .. maybe .. but, after all the problems i've been having from sneezing I don't think it'll be a good idea just now,

I'll try the tumeric instead for now I think .. just boil a little up in hot water .. used to add it to food a couple of times a week .. but I might just add a little to water .. don't suppose it'll taste very nice and drink it when I'm having a meal. You don't want too much of the spice .. just a teaspoon twice a week I think. I guess most people'll have it in a curry but I shouldn't really eat spicy food because of my skin. I'll have to see what other people say. Maybe just pour a little over some bread or something ..Guess even a teaspoon of it once a week would be better than nothing. Anyway, I'll find out.

Whatever, I think that it'll be a better idea than the new medication right now. I've heard from other patients that it can take three years to stabilise the illness on Cellcept .. to heal all the damage done rather than just preventing any new damage .. and, the more I find out, the more I think, at the moment, I might be better off staying on it.

I know that I'm likely to develop skin cancer .. my history and genetics make this likely when combined with the drug .. but, so far, I don't appear to have developed any noticeable side effects as I did with the other steroid sparing drug and the corticosteroids and I think it's best to leave it that way.

I'll talk it over .. will, start making notes now .. but, I'm pretty sure it's best to leave it .. at least at the moment. Maybe for good.

Thursday

Slight sneeze this morning .. suppose I should've guessed after having those restless nights. Got up .. then .. cough, cough .. very slight atishoo!!! Still, still here. Will just have to see how it goes again. After months and months of having to go into hospital everytime I get a cold I'm still not confident about being able to stay out. I wondered why I was sweating too .. now I know.

I will be going back in when my meds are changed over I think but that's rather different. Haven't looked to try and find what the new med's called yet. One of the nurse's said how much everything had improved when I saw her this time in out patients. Well, I haven't the missing skin layers on my neck and near my eyes any more. Can't remember when they cleared up now. I can remember the days when I spent hours having to sort them out.

Most of that has gone but not everything which is why they want to try a new medication. The next option after the Cellcept treatment. The doctor said he's seen good results from it but it's a very strong medication and I believe, like with the Cellcept, it can bring its own problems. I have to decide if I think its worth it. I'll talk it through with the woman in Leicester that they're refering me to. I believe the medicine is used to treat cancer too so I expect there'll be plenty of people to discuss it with. It's difficult to make my mind up.

Right, think I'm going to have a mug of soup ...

made!!!!!

Been wondering about that herbal treatment I found out about .. someone has said that someone they know has had a good response to Chinese herbal treatment. If I remember rightly I didn't follow the treatment up I found about the other herbal treatment, not the Chinese one, was because they'd included a herb that boosted the immune system and that was the opposite of what I needed. Might try and find out some more about the Chinese herbal treatment, prescribed after seeing a Chinese doctor .. as an addition to the medication I'm already taking. The doctor told him to avoid garlic and chilli and to drink lots of water too which makes sense.

I've also read a bit that someone had written about the start of his illness and I was amazed to find out just how different it was from mine .. same illness so you'd think that it would be much the same but it developed quite differently .. well, quite differently considering it was the same illness. He had quite a few wrong diagnoses too which appears to be quite common .. mine was diagnosed on my second biopsy .. the first one was inconclusive but the second one brought back a diagnosis with it .. though they already knew what was wrong really but it had to be confirmed.

There's also a possibility that curcumin an extract from tumeric, the spice that is thought to stop platelets attaching to the brain and therefore help prevent altzheimers, might help corticosteroids .. these are nothing to do with anabolic steroids .. infact they seem to have much the opposite effect in quite a few ways. I have no idea what dosage you'd need though and would adding some tumeric to food make any difference .. well, it does as far as the platelets go so it's worth a try I guess.

Wednesday

Not a long post .. probably guarantees I'll be here for the next half an hour or so .. actually I'm very tired this evening .. had another restless night last night, though I slept for a long time and didn't get up til around eleven this morning.

I'm probably going to have a change in my meds soon .. have to go back to the specialist in Leicester first though before they're prescribed. I missed my last appointment with her cause I was too ill to go. Glad to have waited though cause really I think I'm happier trying a new med out now that I'm not in hospital every three weeks or so cause I've caught another cold and sneezed. That could still happen I guess but, at the moment, it's not every time.

I know that the new med, it'll be instead of the Cellcept, will be toxic, possibly more so than the Cellcept. I think that from something one of the docs said about any future meds some months ago. Can't remember the name of the new drug except that it begins with R, Guess I'll have to go and read up on the treatment again and find out what it is. There aren't very many treatments for the illness so it should be easy to find. I'll read about it and make my mind up. They think that the Cellcept has done all it can do now so this will be the next step.

Anyway, I asked my doc to find transport for me .. the doc at the hospital said to sort that out and then he'd make an appointment.

If I can't find the name of the drug on the net I'll phone the hospital and ask .. and read what I can find about it before I go. There are a few options but this is the one they seem the keenest about.

I think the damage done by the bug I caught a few weeks ago has healed a bit. Have to wait a bit longer to be sure though.

Walked into Warwick and found a couple of interesting books in the bookshop .. no copies of De Telegraaf left in the newsagents that usually has some .. suppose it was late in the day. Walked in cause I'd obviously just missed a bus .. was heavy going walking up the hill .. people seemed to think that I'd overdone it a bit when I told them later on. Was a bit difficult but I was ok .. did wonder if the walk caused the restless night though. It was well worth it in other ways though.

Was trying to remember which window the St Nicholas things were in the other year .. but couldn't. did buy a marzipan sweet in Warwick and some Stollen slices today for St Nicholas day. Maybe I should try and find something marzipanish or some other sweets to share on Sunday for St Nicholas Day. It'd be nice.

Did go out later yesterday too .. and was pleased that I did. The woman I gave the book to was very pleased with it. I did wonder what she'd think of it. I knew that it couldn't conflict with her beliefs in the main but did wonder if there might be something there that jarred a bit .. other than not being able to connect with a couple of the experiences .. though couldn't see what. But, you never know. Anyway, she likes it so much that she's giving it to someone who's very ill.

Time for a mug of soup and then bed I think.

................................

Well, no donuts tonight .. crumpets and a mug of soup to put me to bed. Dunno why but I've been quite hungry the last couple of days .. regardless of what it might taste like. not sure I'll manage all the soup though .. having said that. Mushroom never was my favourite and it certainly hasn't improved post taste bud destruction. Oh well, back to the tomato I guess. That comes across as reasonably ok .. the taste is a bit muted but other than that it's fine.

From what I've read this is quite a common symptom of this illness .. so be wary of the sun as it can be a factor in developing the condition. It's a difficult illness to say the least. And I guess it's worth making sure that you have a reasonable calcium intake .. not too high ofcourse with adequate vit D ,, not too much though so that you have healthy bones to start with if you need to start taking steroids. Well, it's a good idea to protect your bones anyway but just incase there's a problem with the bone sparing pill (the once a week, sitting/standing up/half an hour before food and to take with a glass of water one) .. I've now come across people .. or, rather, a person, who wasn't prescribed them while on a reasonably high dose of steroids. An oversight and I noticed straight away .. well, I asked when I realised her medication had similarities to mine . luckily it was only a couple of weeks into treatment .. steroids can leech the calcium out of your bones very quickly .. can't remember how long it takes to become very dangerous .. but, if I remember correctly, just a few months. I have no idea what the dose of steroids you ned to be on before they start messing with your calcium intake. It's also a good ida not to take the first calcium pill of the day, if you're prescribed those as well, too near to the bone sparing pill that day .. maybe leave it a few hours .. as I was told that calcium can have a bad effect on the bone sparing pill when it's being absorbed.

Think I might be careful of grapefruit as well .. it has an effect on some medication .. don't know about this one but I don't think it's something I'd want to risk. I used to love grapefruit. Obviously I don't eat it now, Occasionally I eye up a tin of the stuff but there's no temptation.

Well, I'm off to bed now.

...................................

Went out but had left it too late to do all I'd intended to .. still I'd sorted out the main part and the little bit that was left to be done there can be sorted out tonight. Was amazed that I'd done it to be honest .. knew it had to be done but had left it til this afternoon.

Met a friend in Tesco .. many hugs .. I'm still not really one for hugging but sometimes I'm ok and there have been a lot coming my way recently .. nicer than if they hadn't and that's for sure. Whoops .. just had to adjust me specs so that they'll stay on. My walking was a lot better this evening than it was yesterday .. though not very good when I started out .. thought for a moment that I was going to have to go back to the flat .. then things got easier .. was going to go out for a walk but I guess it was probably too late as I need to do dinner .. going into hospital tomorrow .. just for a day visit so I'll get to bed early tonight.

Think I'll have another peek in that book .. don't think I've read it all yet as I never did read it from beginning to end .. did start reading it from the beginning as I said but ended up dipping into it again .. it's a bit strange trying to read a book all the way through when you've already read so much of it. Won't do that again but I was so curious.

I think it is the best book I've read of its kind .. the only one to rival it, in my opinion .. other people might prefer other books ofcourse, is that one I found in the Oxfam bookshop about synchronicity that the guys wrote after doing a radio show about it that I wrote about some time ago. Those are the two that I've found the best.

I don't believe one of the stories in the newer book. There could be a number of reasons why it'd ended up on her desk if it isn't true. I had to think long and hard about something I read the other day too but realised that I was ok with it .. well, today actually. It reminded me very much of the Swedish professor's experience in the Encounters with Angels book.

Right better go and put dinner on .. almost bought some donuts today but put them back .. will try and stick to a healthier eating diet. Somethings taste much better than others .. my mouth was pretty wrecked by my illness when it began and it makes itself known when I eat .. but somethings are ok!!! Unfortunately donuts are one of them. lol!!! I have to resist.

Have to potter off to the kitchen. Right ... oven's on now .. soya mince etc again tonight. Haven't made any herbal teas yet .. I bought two different kinds of herbs as someone said i might not like the cumin seeds .. both have similar properties as far as colds go it seems .. and that does appear to be an antiseptic one .. the cumin seeds can apparently help with pain too. Bought some tea strainers from the £1 shop that's opened in the High Street .. three for a pound. Was on me way back here on Saturday and decided to head back into town and found them which was cool. I will make some soon. I think they recommend that you crush them slightly before soaking them. I will try making tea with the star anise too. With the whole star anises rather than the powder .. that I'll add to meals.

Haven't got the Strepsils yet. Tomorrow maybe.

Right should be time to put my meal on now .. then going to wash my hair while it cooks.

Monday

Have slept the last two nights .. took a while to start feeling tired but when I did get to sleep slept through, the first night for six hours and the second for seven. This morning I felt quite a lot better when I got up .. then wasn't so good for a little while and am now feeling a better though have some extra pain around my waist and chest. I think it's probably caused by muscle movement but I'm not sure .. think things have just moved a little bit so it's hurting while my breathing gets used to moving those muscles in the position they're now in.

Did go out yesterday evening .. wasn't going to go but then changed my mind. I had to rest quite a bit on my way there cause of my breathing but I was ok it just took a bit longer than usual. I was glad I went .. took the book for someone and was glad that I had .. someone had copied a poem out for her too .. apparently quite a well known one of its kind though I'd never heard of it .. but then I'd not heard of Footprints either before someone mentioned it to me.

..........................

Am off out soon .. still not feeling very good .. think it is a cold as I'm still rather snuffly .. had quite a runny nose yesterday too at times.

But am feeling better than I was when I got up. Think I will be able to do some sorting .. we shall see how the day goes.

I could've gone out this evening but decided not to as you had to say you were going in advance and I really didn't know if I'd be up to it or not .. seems I made the right decision.

Am going out for a little while .. have no idea what the temperature's like out there but have put some thermals on just incase it is cold .. don't want to make myself any worse. Might get some Strepsils .. someone said that they thought their colds went quicker now they'd started sucking those .. so I'll give them a go .. do they just stop some bacteria getting a hold maybe. Apparently cumin seed tea is said to help too again as an antiseptic I guess.

Crush a teaspoon of dried cumin seeds and soak them in a cup of boiling water for around 15/20 minutes and then drain and drink.

It seems that they can help indigestion too and help you sleep and with the absorbtion of iron. Also an soothe mouth ulcers .. though not the sort of problems I get with my illness unfortunately as far as the mucous membranes go.

Still I think I'll try them along with the strepsils. I should imagine the tea will be fine with my meds but I'll ask on Tuesday when I'm seeing a doc at the hospital. I think grapefruit has been mentioned as being contra indicated with one of them but it is with a few medicines .. haven't touched it anyway since I found out that there was a link with it and breast cancer in post menopausal women. It's worth checking on these things though.

Anyway .. I'm going to take me next lot of meds and see if I'm ok to go out.

Saturday

Regardless of the warming tomato soup I didn't have a good night's sleep last night .. just kept on drifting in and out of sleep again. I'd been a bit like that the night before as well but had still got a reasonable amount of sleep .. last night I didn't. Was up at half five . didn't feel any worse than usual then .. had a couple of hours sleep and then woke up feeling very ill .. there'd been quite a lot of muscle movement over night, while I was awake, with the muscles pushing this way and that but I didn't feel any the worse for it when I was up around 5.30 so I wasn't expecting to feel like I did a couple or so hours later.

I suppose it's my cold that's making me feel worse than usual. My eyes were very watery when I got up yesterday, still watery this morning though not quite as bad as yesterday, so I know that I've still got one .. or, at least I hope it's that .. my auto immune illness seems to have got a little worse again over the last few days. Think it's my cold though. Didn't eat very well yesterday either .. though did have a protein drink and a multi vit.

Thought of spirit and that helped me get through it .. didn't take the horrible feelings away but made me feel more relaxed in myself while coping with it. I'd imagine quite a number of people do the same as me in that respect .. depends what they've experienced or have come to believe in other ways I guess. I suppose that quite a few people do find it a comfort when they're feeling ill though. Apart from the times when I've been very, very bad and verging on being delirious with fever and not been that aware I've found it a great comfort .. did to a degree then but on a more subconscious level .. just not being frightened. I think of that book now too .. it helps ground me a little I think when I'm feeling worse than usual. I think of the two stories from it that I told my friend .. she'd said something the last time we met that made me think she'd like to hear them .. and she did .. so was very pleased that we met up again so quickly.

Got my meds down without bringing them up again .. always a worry that they won't stay down when I'm feeling worse than usual .. and am now going to get something to eat. I'm still feeling worse than usual but not as bad as when I got up. That was a surprize considering that I'd felt reasonable (for me) a couple of hours earlier after quite a lot (comparitively) of muscle movement that night.

........................

Well, um, yes .. it has gone twelve .. but I'm just having a mug of soup and then I'm off to bed. Did do a bit of sorting out today .. not much cause I felt pretty grim when I got up .. hopefully will be a bit more on the go after another night's sleep. As long as I wake up round half eight I should be ok sleep wise.

I will take time out to meditate too .. that book is good .. very inspirational as she said. They've had quite a few good Buddhist books at The Works lately. They had some nice ones that came with a cd for £3.99 which I think were basically meditation books too. The little one I have briefly describes different forms of Buddhist meditation in a way that's very accessible.

Still waiting for the soup to cool down!!!lol!!! Not staying up over me soup time!!! I know I need my sleep. Have to say that the warm soup's very relaxing .... nice before bedtime. Just stretching things out a bit as I wait too.

Will put a bit of Quintessence on as I wait .. also very relaxing .. body does a relaxed sigh.

And now I'm off to bed.

.............................

Obviously didn't go out tonight even though they're having two more Friday evenings before Christmas .. will be there on Sunday though .. and Wednesday.

The last copy of the book is going to someone there .. don't know if she's had any of that kind of experience. I told her two of the stories from the book when she drove me back on Wednesday .. she couldn't stay long because she had something else to go to. It'll be good for her and also she did something a while back that will help people and part of what she did to sort this out has now helped me.

I must get in touch with someone I met from Solihull too who had quite a bit to tell me .. neither of us have been very well and that's slowed things up a bit .. but I will soon. She bought me a lovely present in hospital .. I gave her something in return too. we shared an experience together while we were in hospital too which was cool .. lol!!! That was nice .. that happened twice .. the other with a woman from just outside of Stratford upon Avon .. she bought me a card before she left saying thankyou .. but I had little to do with it except for being there and talking about these things and being friendly.

There you go.

Friday

Went out for ... a mug of hot chocolate last night .. and was thanked again!!! And bought the mug of cocoa!!! Why not .. eh. But between friends these things go too ways .. she thinks that I've helped her a lot but it's not just been one way. I bought a little book from The Works about Buddhist meditation that she likes and it's a good book .. doubt it i'd've bought it if she hadn't said how much she liked it .. it's a small book like that one with Angels in the title .. Encounters with Angels or something similar which is about experiences people have had which are rather unusual .. that kind of size .. and I might've thought that it was skimping a bit but it's fine from what I've seen of it .. just read a bit here and there so far. Was going to read more last night but I rested when I got to bed. had around eleven hours resting/asleep last night which was good. I think that the meditation has helped her a lot .. it helps most people, doesn't suit all but as the sites I've linked to in the past say it can help with tiredness, stress etc. Guess by calming the body down so that it doesn't over produce stress hormones amongst other things.

Found that the suppliers had run out of my Cellcept again .. luckily I had some extra incase this happened again .. but this time it's gone on for OVER A WEEK .. no sign of the medication .. so I phoned the manufacturers .. in this case, Roche, who informed me that the pharmacies can order directly from them if the suppliers have run out and who were nice enough to phone my pharmacy to sort it all out. So, there you are, if your pharmacy is having problems with their suppliers give the manufacturers a call, and, if it isn't a manufacturing problem, they should be able to help you. At least Roche will and I should expect that the others will as well. I left Roche a message on their answer machine and tagged it as urgent .. they ask you .. and I was called back about four hours later. I did stay on the line to talk to someone to start off with but after about 5 minutes, when listening to the options again, I decided to try the answer machine instead of waiting to speak to someone and they were really good. Was really surprized at just how good their service is . I had my chemist's phone number on hand when she phoned back ... she asked me for it and then phoned them for me to sort it out. What more could I ask for from a firm.

Going to sort dinner out now and probably have an early night again.

Thursday

Still got this cold .. but am not too bad all things considered.. well, compared to a few weeks ago. Just been resting today really cept for heading off to Tesco late afternoon .. people snuffling and sneezing all over the place.

Off to bed now .. think it's late enough really.

Gulp .. sigh .. etc ... lol!!!!!!

...................

Went down the docs and walked back .. probably not the best idea but I was ok. Got there early too. Hav to admit that I'm not feeling too good though and am off to bd straight after I finish writing this. No staying up for another 10 minuts or so and ending up heading for the bedroom a couple of hours later tonight .. I don't think!! lol!!

No, not tonight. My muscles've been moving quite a bit too and there's been a bit of rather sharp pain .. not for too long but it has been sharp. Having said that I'll probably do about five minutes of stretching exercises before I turn in and see how things are in the morning .. it might help things a long a bit while I'm asleep .. after all there's six or seven hours to go for the muscles to change a little in .. just doing a little stretching before going to sleep might help them.

Yawn.

Time to turn in.

......................

Food has stayed down too but am definitely feeling rather coldy. Thought I had another sneeze trying to go for it earlier on too .. but so far nothing has happened .. probably best to have a gap between them!!!!!!

Have to say thinking about me cup of chocolate with my friend had me laughing this morning while I was recovering from my sneeze .. she's got a good sense of humour .. so, there we are problem solved .. puts hand in pocket to find the price of two cups of the stuff .. well, a cup of coffee for her. Will try again!!!!

Think I'm quite a bit better than earlier on today but it's hard to tell really .. still, mustn't grumble as they say!!!! Just a few weeks ago I'd've been through A & E to the 48 hour ward by now .. can't remember what that one's called .. Fairfax I think. There's that one and the 24 hour ward .. I have no idea how they decide whether you're going to go to the 48 hour ward or the 24 hour ward on admission .. you stay on those wards while they decide which ward you need to be on if you're going to stay in hospital for a while.

Anyway .. think I've just about recovered from this morning's sneeze and think I'll be heading down the docs later on.

Tuesday

Sneezed before I got up this morning. Took me about an hour to sort myself out and get to the sittig room .. wish I'd taken my meds to the bedroom last night .. would've been useful this morning!!! .. but I didn't. Was very burpy after sneezig and I wondered if that was going to start the spasms off and things would get really nasty again because something like appeared to be hapening. But, it didn't get that bad.

Was wondering whether to take my hospital admission tag off .. kept it on incase I collapsed and passed out outside and had to be taken to A & E and hadn't any other form of id on me .. they'd know straight away that I had a hospital record too if I kept the tag on. Think I might take it off once this cold's over and just make sure that I always have a printed copy of my medication on me from the docs. I have to carry notifiation that I'm on steroids anyway .. it's just sensible to carry a copy of my prescription form and make sure I've got it on me all the time. It's pretty obvious from the meds I'm on that I'll have a hospital record so that sorts all that out.

I'm blocked up again this morning too. Would normally be heading for the hospital this morning but I'm having what was done there every week done at the surgery now and will be just going to hospital once a month to be checked over plus, ofcourse, the monthly visit to see my consultant. Glad that I didn't have to go in this morning. I think I'd've cancelled the appointment. Got one at the surgery this evening .. not sure about that yet. It could be left for a couple of days. I'll go if I can though as it'll just take up an extra appointment if I don't. And they're hard to get these days.

Right, going to attempt to eat something now.

...........

Did a little bit of sorting .. will do a bit more tomorrow if I can. Just pulled on some of the muscles on the right side of my rib cage .. c .. r .. a .. ck .. I can hear the noise they make when they first move into a new position .. will probably try a bit more movement like that before I go to bed. My breathing has altered again today .. it's getting a little bit stuck between the in breath and the out breath again .. wasn't sure if it was due to effects of the cold or down to the muscles moving .. I think it's the latter. Made walking a bit difficult again .. my friend insisted on carrying most of my shopping back .. which was good this evening. I would've been alright but it was much easier with her helping even though it wasn't that heavy cause my breathing was causing a few minor problems. Wasn't too bad though.

Got up to get dinner then and there's definitely a change in breathing that is down to the muscles moving .. I can feel the change easily when on my feet though the breathing getting a bit stuck is more obvious when I'm waling more than a few steps .. think I was going too slowly for it to really show itself too but I could feel that there was a very noticeable change on my left side which is strange as it was the right side I stretched but looks like that had a knock on effect on the left side.

Will go to bed very soon after dinner. Am reading a book about growing up in the East End (of London) in the 50s and 60s . found it in Scope and thought that it looked interesting .. it's written in a way that's making it very easy to get in to as well.

Right, well, those are most of me plans fer this evening.

.......................

Pottered over to Tesco to get soe bread .. wasn't going to be out long but met one of my friends while I was out and went for a cup of coffee/hot chocolate. She obviously didn't have enough money to buy me a drink this evening but she wouldn't let me buy her one and insisted that she'd buy me one next time even though she usually does. She says she likes to get me a drink cause she finds talking to me helps her a lot. lol!!!!! Seems I'm in a bit of a Catch 22 situation here .. ok .. she can buy the next drink but I'll get the one after that .. somehow!!!! What she says appears to be true from her point of view but I enjoy being with her .. so I think I should be able to buy her a cup of coffee!!!!!

Otherwise I can see one of The Works books looming on the horizon .. they cost near enough the same .. something she said today made me think that it might a good right idea .. better than a cup of coffee maybe.

Talking her life out with her is good for me too really because it re-enforces some of my own attitudes to getting through life that seem to work ok and that's kinda useful.

Hey, look though ... I sneezed this morning and this evening I was out having a cup of hot chocolate with a friend. I'm not counting on this meaning that I'll never have to go back into hospital because I have a cold .. a couple of people I know have a bug that's made them a bit sick .. I'm not sure what would happen if I came down with something like that .. or, maybe, even just a cold .. I'm not counting myself out of the woods on that score at all just yet. It went on for a long time. Something has changed .. it has to have done. I don't know if I've exercised my muscles enough to have more room to let the spasms ripple on ok when I puff up with a cold. If it's the position they're in I guess there could be occasions while they're relaxing a bit where the spasms will still get stuck while I have a cold.

I haven't done any exercising .. the most I do is a few stretching exercises .. today or my EFT .. did a bit of meditation this morning though.

Anyway .. got my stuff from Tesco .. got crumpets rather than bread .. will have them with a bit of Marmite and some soya rashers along with the soya mince and veggies. Think I'm starting to eat better again .. stopped eating much for a while again which with my illness is obviously a very bad idea. Don't eat much dairy now .. was eating quite a lot for a while but have cut it right down again .. not completely .. not sure if I'll ever go back to being a vegan again .. I have to wait until the symptoms of the auto immune illness have cleared up because the docs don't want my body going through another change how things are at the moment.

Just taken my meds and am now going to put dinner on.

Monday

Did go out yesterday evening and was a bit earlier thn usual .. still felt very tired and found out why this morning .. asnishoo .. but didn't have to call an ambulance.

Have just rested for the day.

Saturday

Did get there this morning ... arrived fror the last half hour or so and that was fine. Wasn't quite sure what I was turning up for but it turned out to be a jumble sale .. everything was very cheap and we got a free home made cake .. chocolate sponge with chocolate icing with a crystalised fruit on top.

Bought a decorate your own mug set and some cds. Mainly chill out mixes but went for a Groove Armada cd as well.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=c9tHbEtJkI

which I suppose was a bit of a mistake really as I'm not going to be dancing again regardless of what the muscles do and however much the feet tap ... well, I shouldn't think so anyway.

Anyway, apart from the start of the day, as usual, I had a good day until late afternoon when I found out that a young woman I'd been in hospital with had been ill again. We'd looked after each other while we were in and I was really sad to hear that she'd had to go back in again. Just hope that thing's'll be alright now. She's feeling better now, let's hope it stays that way.

Got me bags too.

Something happened that really made me laugh too .. and has had me giggling on and off everytime I think about it .. even through this tiredness which is quite a feat really because I'm still so sleepy.

Going to take me meds now and then have dinner .. veggie curry and chips.

And, back to the music, after listening to Quintessence again today on Youtube maybe it'd be easy to take one of their albums with me to that fabled desert isle .. how it'd mix with the sounds of the waves lapping in against the shore.

....................

Went down to get some more bags today but got there too late .. so tomorrow. There's something on tomorrow so hopefully I'll be up and out in time. Not going out this evening though .. it's the last Friday meeting for a while anyway ..suppose it'd be nice to go but I don't really feel upto it, Woke up stuffed up and sickly again this morning .. though not as nauseous as I have but really don't feel like being out for hours.

So many people are snuffly and sniffley at the moment and saying how tired they are so it's no surprize that I am too .. the only surprize is that, so far, the colds haven't landed me back in hospital.

Been watching Woodstock aan de Maas today again .. amazing how time flies .. it really is. Music seems to evoke so many memories. Have watched some of the original Woodstock footage too .. think if I had to choose one cd to take to the proverbial dessert island it would be Country Joe and The Fish's Feel Like I'm Fixing To Die .. would jest have to edit it slightly .. lol!!! I wouldn't get tired of it.

I think, though, that Jeff Beck's Truth is probably my favourite album but it's a bit too heavy to be the only cd I had with me. Maybe I'd just listen to the sounds of the waves lapping up to the shore line anyway .. wouldn't need to bring anything with me then in a musical way.

I'd have the sounds of nature to hand to lull me into a medative state .. well, providing we weren't due a thunderstorm.

....... and then pottered off somewhere else for an hour or two and am going to bed now cause I'm so sleepy. Might read for a while .. dunno yet ... but I'm very tired.

..............................

I suppose I should be listening to more music .. my hearing comes and goes a bit now .. not totally and the right ear's much better than the left .. though yesterday both were ok!!! So, who knows whay's going on .. they're not sore but I'll mention it next time I see me doc.

Been listening to The Kooks, Ravi Shankar and Quintessance.

Music's starting to get to my mind like it used to .. I can feel the brain cells responding .. though I'm staying sitting down and the feet aren't tapping .. that much .. talking about tapping reminds me that I haven't done my EFT for a couple of days again .. later, huh!!! I think, going by what someone told me a week or so ago, that I should be giving it quite a go. I have a couple of natural pain relief books to read too. Thanks The Works and charity shops. I don't know how the techniques will affect this level of pain but there's no harm in giving them a try, The book I was leafing through yesterday has the sort of techniques I believed they were teaching in some pain clinics to help people cope with pain. I'm not sure if they are the same or just similar though as I just read about them and didn't follow what I read up.

http://www.thekooks.co.uk/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quintessence_(English_band)

http://www.mooncowhq.ch/Quintessence/index.htm

I loved Quintessence's music the moment I heard it way back when .. when? .. back in the late 60s. Pleased to say it's still with me as music I really like.

http://www.ravishankar.org/

More music I like.


Talking about going back in time .. if I'd been well .. it'd've been nice to've gone to Woodstock aan de Maas

http://www.woodstockaandemaas.nl/

http://www.woodstockaandemaas.culturepromotions.nl/index.html

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=mOgkf5ZAgFO

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsOV2KQGwms


http://crosstowntraffic.be/downloads.php?cat_id=2

http://crosstowntraffic.be/news.php

But, still, it was nice to've been round for the first time.

Anyway, must go and try and get some sleep I guess. Meant to turn in early to read a book but have stayed on the computer listening to music and chatting to friends. Well, maybe there's a bit of time to spare to read .. give meself twenty minutes or so.

Well, too late now .. got some great books to read too.

Tomorrow then.

Going to take me meds in with me tonight for tomorrow ,, the mornings are difficult at the moment again and so much of my attention is kinda focused on that right now. Think it's bet to at least start mediating myself before I get up again .. will take the oramorph and ibuprofen and tummy liner before I get up.

Well, off to bed then.

Thursday

Didn't feel well today at all when I got up and, ofcourse, my first thought is whether I'd soon be in hospital .. I still feel a bit queasy .. got taken shopping and got through that so I guess I'm ok. Am blocked up again though.

It's raining again .. well, drizzling a bit, on and off .. looks as if it might be here for the day .. but, at least, it's not cold.

I'm going to have something to eat and then do a little sorting out if I feel up to it. I did feel bad this morning and am still queasy, but, you never know, things might improve. Taken all me meds for now .. got the next lot of pain relief in about an hour.

Must remember me vitamin tablet too.

.................

Am off to bed. Took my meds earlier this evening so taking the last lot for today now and then pottering off to read a little and sleep.

Wednesday

Had to go to the docs this morning so didn't go over to Sainsburys. Don't know if I really need help with shopping anymore. We shall see. Went to me Wednesday meeting and was pleased that I went. As usual. We are all very different people .. I may be the only person there without any religious belief as such .. I really don't know .. it's difficult to really acertain what religious belief is as people interpret it in so many ways.

I'm just happy to think that there's life after life and that the driving force is love .. hard as that maybe to believe when you look round the world. Said something similar years ago on one of these blogs and I still don't understand that. I said then that looking from it from a vegan point of view it was very hard indeed to understand.

Was talking to me brother and he said that he's just had a bug that made him depressed for a couple of days .. he's come through it ok though .. guess it could've been the one I had. Flu can often do that to peole as it did to the guy I mentioned a few posts ago .. that had a tragic end unfortunately .. but so can other bugs. People've been describing the bug that's been going around as flu like .. they've been very achey and it seems to be coming and going. I wasn't sure if I'd had one or two bugs but I think it's probably been two. I sneezed again this morning and wondered for a few moments if I was going to have to call for an ambulance but things settled down again and didn't get to the usual point of pain.

Dinner's on .. soya mince and veggies .. will probably have a mug of soup with it.

Tuesday

Went into hospital this morning .. wondered if I'd mae it causeI sneezed and wondered if there was gong to be a re-run of a few weeks ago when I sneezed while waiting to go in and ended up as in patient rather than an out one. I'd woken up this morning feeling worse than usual and had wondered what was going on .. I'd a feeling last night that this morning was going to be tough .. was glad when I sneezed and things didn't get much worse .. infact after about ten minutes they started to improve.

I realise that things maybe tough for a while, sneezing or not because of me muscles .. but at least I've got through a couple of colds without having to be rushed into hospital and this one hasn't been as bad as the last one .. so far.

There are so many coughs and sneezes out there at the moment though. I'll do me best to look after myself. I expect most people have the cold I have at the moment so hopefully things'll be ok.

Gonna turn in soon.

Sunday

Not going out .. very sleepy and rather queasy so I reckon the best thing to do is to curl up here for the evening. Guess the cold's not gone yet though I've not sneezed today. Have been a bit queasy though.

Went over to Tesco .. there was quite a wind, quite cold too .. was glad to have me fleece under my jacket rather than my cardie .. it'd been a bit of a toss up before going out .. fleece .. cardie .. cardie .. fleece but with that wind blowing I think I was better off with my fleece. Don't always feel the cold that much but it's a bit different when there's a bit of a wind blowing

Going to go and get dinner .. soya mince and veggies and crumpets and a mug of tomato soup I think . haven't eaten much today and that will be nice and warming and nutritious.

Think the wind's stronger than it was earlier on .. keep on hearing it blowing round the building. Sort of night where it's better to be indoors with a mug of soup I guess .. specially if you're not feeling very well.

..................

Did go out and felt reasonable but sometimes it takes a few sneezes to get me into hospital. My mood is back up again .. guess it was the bug that brought it down. If it is a new cold I think I picked it up on Tuesday and that would fit in. I remember reading, years ago, about a guy who caught the flu and became severely depressed from having it and became convinced that it wasn't the flu but an incurable illness because of the way the fever had affected his mind. A cold can make you lethargic and depressed. I did wonder what had happened cause there I was with my new book which I really like and am very grateful for ... I think I'll be keeping it by my bedside to dip into to read and mull over some of the stories. It is a good book .. my disagreements come from talking to people about similar things and having related experiences myself .. related by being about similar subjects. I noticed that she started off as a sceptic, the books came from work she'd been doing at university for her degree, and, it seems, from what she learnt that she changed her mind. I think she's right as far as this book goes .. I haven't read the others.

Going to sort dinner out now .. same as usual .. think I'll have a mug of tomato soup with me soya mince .. had one just before I went to bed last night and it was a nice warming end to the day. Had me scoop of soya protein powder to make sure that I got enough protein earlier .. will start making sure that I eat well .. it can be difficult when you're tired though.

..................

Have had me soya protein mix, honey and vitamin pill to go along with everything else this morning. Gotta keep on keeping on I guess.



I've decided, now that I've written about the book, and other things lie that where everyone can go and check things out, that I'll stop writing about tyings like that now. Really, there hasn't been any need for a long tine because the book and the net have been there and, obviously, most, if not, everyone, have people close to them who can tell them about their own experiences. No-one has ever needed to now about mine .. generally speaking, I don't know about theirs, except for a very small minority who read this, so I've shared much more .. but don't feel there's any need to say anything else about it .. the info's out there amongst family and friends and in books and on the net. Me friends, I'll carry on talking about it off the blog as I have, generally, for ages, I'll start a new butterfly blog for it .. didn't realise how apt a title that was for the old one!!!lol!!! Now I do!!! Guess, as the t'other one's gone I can use the old name again. I should have left it really cause it went back a log way .. but there u go. I chat on other people's blogs too about things like this but they are all private. Anyway .. anyone that's interested has a lot to go on now.

The book is great. I thought that it had worried me a bit, cause of the wide variety of experiences, but, on refletion, I think that was just the cold starting to affect me .. I'm more back to myself today .. though obviously worrying about how the cold's going to go .. I'd prefer not to have to go back to hospital and I don't want to have to go through that amount of pain again. I don't think that she's been 100% right in what she picked but near enough .. if I'm wrong I'll be very surprized .. but, overall, the book is good.

She said something about OBEs that science has actually moved on from too .. but, that's science, changing all the time which is what a young scientist I was talking to the other week said they liked about it .. that there is always something new to discover.

I'm off out now .. well, hopefully. Have taken my pain relief and seem ok .. there was no sign of me bringing it back up again. Maybe a bit of a walk would do me good .. I won't be out long.

I might take a look in the Oxfam bookshop but really I don't need anymore books .. have enough to be getting on with now.

...........

Things seem a bit better again. One set of spasms had obviously set another lot off, rather painfully, and I had stomach and bowel spasms going on at once .. fortunately both have stopped now. I'm feeling a lot better but, ofcourse, still don't know what's going to happen.

I thought when I took the pills that I would be calling an ambulance in the next few minutes .. it seemed to be going that way again .. but has stopped. I'm having a bit of trouble eating and drinking but that's partially because the muscles have moved I think as well as the cold. Really don't know if it's a new cold or not .. but I suppose it is.

I can move a bit of my back, that doesn't seem to have moved for a long time by moving my shoulders around a bit .. pushing this way and then that. Don't know if it's such a good idea to be doing tht while I've got this cold but I suppose the more the muscles move the more chance there is that I won't have to go into hospital. Then, on the other hand, maybe moving them like that when I'm puffy with a cold isn't a good idea.

Saturday

Did get to bed on time last night but still slept for the around seven hours. Took my MST and Cellcept rather late too so am having to get that back to the right time .. it'll take today and tomorrow. Didn't feel much like getting up this morning but there was no choice as I didn't have the nurses to help me .. obviously me muscles are a bit stiff from not moving over night .. or, so I'm told, I didn't used to feel this before I became ill though I'm told lots of people my age and much younger do, but then I was quite active .. don't know if that makes a difference or if it's just that lots of people don't as well!!! And the muscles had moved another fraction .. I could tell that by the way I was breathing and wasn't looking forward to moving and having everything sorting itself out. Still seem to have a bit of a cold too.

Was thinking about me book when I woke up this morning and was trying to work out why people are still so frightened when so many people have these experiences and it's because they don't get to hear about other peoples because most people will probably only tell their SO or maybe a few family members .. most of the people who wrote to this woman obviously hadn't told anyone outside the family. And most probably had only told the person close to them though there are accounts of people finding out that other people have seen/heard the same thing. The story about the swan was an example of this when someone who had seen it came and asked someone else who had if they had too. I wondered if it had been one of these group hallucinations to for a while but it certainly didn't sound like one because people asked the woman who was telling the story if it'd been the other way round I might have wondered if they were being kind and hoping to comfort her .. and three separate people asked her if she'd seen it. She had.

Seems that I have another cold as I've just sneezed .. it's left me feeling a bit queasy but not too bad as yet .. let's hope that it doesn't get any worse. I'd thought that it was the old one hanging on but I guess that it could easily be another one .. who knows really. There are a lot of people coughing and sneezing out there .. one has just walked past!!! My medication can mae me susceptible to colds though I've talked to some people who don't think that they're getting anymore colds than usual but they're not taking as much as me.

Right I can take me MST etc now .. good thing. Me tummy reacted a bit too me pills going down so I will just have to see.

...............................

One of the good things about being in hospital has been swapping stories though I've swapped lots all over the place now. Must say knowing about them has been a great help in hospital .. I've often thought that I was going to die .. to be in such pain and survive has been an education to me and I have been in tremendous pain before but not on that level .. blimey .. it's nice not to have fear to go with it. and there is a lot of fear . I hadn't realized how much. I have almost died before and hadn't been scared .. just felt peace. And I've not been someone who has thought much about it in a personal way but I've learnt a lot through seeing other people these last few years when the usual social masks have been down. One of our guests talked about this a few weeks ago .. it was something I'd been dwelling on myself .. but thought everyone must have the experiences or know someone they can trust who has and from there you can easily investigate .. there are enough ways of doing it through books and the net and talking to people. If about half of the population has had them it has to be a fact. I mean just the maths of that has to make it a very accurate statement. lol!!!

Obviously I know I'm dying. I've been mulling that over too and realize that the experiences seem to be to do with my illnesses ..just the timing shows that ... lol!!! Though I didn't know for three weeks or so about the really defining one.

The new book has left me thinking a lot since I started reading it .. the stories are lovely .. well, most of them .. I do think a couple aren't real. But the rest mix the dreadful sadness of losing someone dear with the joy of one or more of these experiences.

With one of the stories I have a problem with .. it is so over the top .. and more .. maybe he is ill rather than deliberately deceiving but I just don't know. But, I've a feeling he was taking the piss. I was reminded of Arthur Conan Doyle and his belief in the fairy photos.

Most of it was, if you've had experiences yourself of spirit, very believable especially if you've had people who you trust telling you the same kind of thing. As, I've said before, I think it's the only way it works. Luckily my friendships are built on trust .. I can't see a point otherwise. Which reminds me ............. tomorrow. I've not been as communicative as I usually am these last few days cause I still appear to've been getting over this cold. Maybe I should've headed for hospital when I first became ill. It's taken me much longer to get over than usual even if it didn't get as bad to begin with.

I'm off to bed now .. time to take me last meds of the day and go. Think eleven will be the new time I aim for rather than twelve .. I can sit and read in the morning regardles of how early I wake up. It doesn't fit in with the meds so well as going to bed later unfortunately but it works out better in other ways.

I've been dipping into my new book while I've been on the net .. can't really leave it alone. I've found that The Works has provided lots of interesting things to read over the years .. to watch too .. I found a dvd about Madagascar's wildlife there not so long ago .. a pair of specs for £1.99 so that I could read/watch them!!!!!!!! lol!!!!!!!!!!

The new book is just brill though .. couldn't've been anything better just for now.

Anyway, I'm off to bed .. not even going to play any mahjong before I turn in.

...................

I'll be off to bed soon .. probably snooze on and off during the night .. seems whatever I do I average about seven hours sleep a day. I'll try and combine that with a little meditation to give me some more rest. Meditation helps me and I should make sure that I do it. But, I guess, it's stopping doing something where you can see the results as you do it .. e.g reading to do something where you can't e.g meditation that is the problem.

I was thinking about my time in hospital .. I was there when people passed obviously cause I'm on the chronic ward for a lot of my stay there every time I go in. But I've heard people talking to their loved ones who have already passed just before they do themselves.

In, reality, despite all the coincidences that have built the universe .. (etc, lol!! not going to mull over the something from nothing thing again.) I think it's quite strange that this should happen yet it's well documented that it does. You can try and explain all these things from the birth of whatever it is out there that produced the universe going back to point zero but the truth is it's all very strange and we haven't much of a clue. Various theories are touted as the possible explanation of everything .. sometimes there are a few of these on the go at once. One moment you're pondering if exploring dark matter has shortened the life of the universe to find, a few months later, that you are now exploring the possibility that the universe might be eternal .. and various theories like this ad infinitum.

There's a lot of mystery.

In some ways, the more I become convinced that life follows life .. either that, or there's some kind of huge cosmic joke going on .. and I just don't believe that .. the evidence does point to there being life after life even if you can't actually go there and definitely prove it.

My beliefs are much the same as the people I'm with and that there is survival after death, that we are personally responsible for what we do in regard to when we pass over into another life as spirit. And that, once there, we have have to make up for the wrong we've done here. And that there is a connection between that world and this.

Gonna turn in soon. I've stopped calling in on one of "my" sites on the web .. there was a post up yesterday tht I agreed with and that made me think so today I deleted my links there and haven't been back .. and that'll give me more time to do other things, will stop playing mahjong etc so much as well .. I enjoy them and they're great when I'm feeling really tired .. don't care if I win or lose as I just play for fun .. but it's becoming rather repetative now.

Friday

Have stayed in today, resting, as I was tired this morning. Got to bed later than I intended last night because of a bit of a problemo while I was sorting . time sure can fly!!!! Couldn't believe what time it was when I'd finished sorting that out. Never mind I still got the same amount of sleep that I usually get .. about seven hours.

Went bac to my new book from The Works .. found that the story that had attracted my attention in the book to start off with went on over the page and that it was nothing like my own story and that if I'd read the whole tale I might've sighed and either put the book back or had to read other stories before deciding to buy the book. There's another one too where the person seems to contradict themselves but this could be because she'd left something out .. some people find it difficult to express themelves and this could very well have been the case here .. after all they're having to describe something that they don't talk about much or hear talked about much. I was surprized that the book's author didn't contact the person and sort it out because it would've been very interesting. The person describing the event had used very few words to describe it.

Someone had said about one of her previous books that she didn't seem to've done her research very well, but this time she only had letters to sort through and write links between .. surely if there were any queries he could've contacted the people .. from what I gathered most would've been very pleased to have helped and to have been able to discuss their experiences with someone with her knowledge. For most people these were very, very precious moments in their lives and they would've wanted them presented in the best way possible.

I like the admiral butterfly story .. I was also taken by the woman who' mother had an experience where someone came to fetch her to take her to the next realm and she was given the choice to stay here but be in pain for the next two years or to leave .. she chose to stay and was diagnosed with cancer very shortly after and died exactly two years after her "dream." Her young daughter went to her to tell her of a vision she'd had the same night that her mother had her experience. I was saddened by the story but felt connected by the time aspect.`i guess I felt somewhat connected on the illness side too. Not that I've had an experience like that but a lot of this has been happening around my own illness and it's been pretty obvious that there's a connection. I could connect lots of things in the book to things that people have told me.

I was wondering last night if it's my favourite book but then thought that it's difficult to have a favourite book really cause they span so many different subjects. This is up there with the very special ones though.

Thursday

Still very tired .. didn't go out yesterday afternoon though did to Sainsburys earlier on to get the usual odds and ends .. don't think that I'll need to go next week. I was just too sleepy when I got back to go out again. I miss it when I'm not there I guess .. makes me think.


My newer friend can't go on Wednesdays cause she's working but goes on Friday instead .. though Friday's meetings end soon cause of the run up to Christmas and then it's only the first Saturday morning in the month and Wednesdays and Sundays. There is a Christmas party too. It's been interesting .. don't think that I'd've gone if I hadn't been here .. well, I suppose I can't really say that .. I might have made the same choice if it had come up. Just don't know. Anyway I've plenty of choice of venues when I get back so keep a seat warm for me, I'm just a sort of again just as I was a sort of Buddhist .. me veganism sent me in that direction back then .. though just on the philisophical side.



It's certainly helped me through this .. the knowing that it looks as if there is a life to follow this life makes the pain etc much easier to bear .. and knowing that spirit appears aware of everything that happens has made life very interesting for me. I have to admit that the last book I read put me in a bit of a spin .. I wasn't convinced by one story and I suppose the odds are that one or two more people mightn't've been totally honest .. that would be just the way of things .. but she might've managed to be accurate in sorting the letters out. I wish that the book had been a lot longer. I was very surprized at the variety of experiences .. quite a few around accuracy of timing though .. different from mine. seems that spirit/the universe is rather fond of the time element.

The book is lovely.. I'm glad that the experiences have given people so much comfort..

I guess I really wouldn't mind an OBE now. They're pretty common too. I guess it'd be interesting to know how that part of the mind works and what I'd make of the whole experience. Maybe not much .. who knows. It's about twenty years since I picked up the How To book I guess .. have to say that I haven't exactly got very far .. but, then, I haven't exactly put very much work into it. I could have tried when I had those episodes of sleep paralysis .. they're not very nice at all .. though I didn't have all the unpleasant hallucinations that apparently can often go with them .. but, still not pleasant at all. Could have used them to try for an OBE as a few people do find that this happens during sleep paralysis .. should hope so too. It's not a nice experience. I was lucky in that I knew about it and knew what was happening when it started .. it must be really frightening if you don't.

Did a bit of sorting today, not much, cause I was so tired again. Might do a bit more before bedtime and some reading. I've Schrodinger's Kittens and the Search for Reality .. which is a good and amusing read .. though over 10 years old .. I also have his earlier book, In Search of Schrodinger's Cat .. found in a charity shop .. published over 10 years before the other one .. but still a good read. I'm still very tired though so will try to make sure that I don't fall asleep with the lights on. He did once write a book called Cosmic Coincidences which is about the amazing coincidences that made this universe fit for life.

Dinner is soya and veggies again. Must remember to take my vitamin pill too .. I'll also have a crumpet and marmite.

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Whacked out again .. a day at the hospital then off to the docs. Gave the book .. wrapped up .. to the bloke .. hope he enjoys it .. I expect other people will read it too. It is a very nice book .. there was only one part .. that I've come across so far that I had a bit of trouble with. It's meant broadening my idea of what experiences in this vein can be like .. amazing. I suppose different kinds of experiences suit different people .. mine have been very matter of fact on the whole . only a couple haven't I guess .. and that is how I would want it to be. I suppose I'm now realizing that it would be very difficult for me to find anything , after all this, that would change my mind about it all .. it's quite awe inspiring. Before, although I couldn't find away not to believe what had happened .. after all it had .. I still felt very quizzical about it all .. my friends could accept it more than me .. some chiming in stories of their own .. and their stories certainly helped when reading the book.

Think I'll be off to bed soon cause I'm very tired. The pain wasn't so bad when I went out this morning though it was pretty variable throughout the day. Did a tiny bit of sorting out before heading off for the hospital .. will see what tomorrow brings as far as that goes.

Actually been dozing for half an hour or so at the computer ... think I better go before I go to sleep.

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Off to bed now .. early for me I guess .. not the mad dash at midnight trying not to be too past my bedtime. lol!!! Haven't done much that I meant to this evening which isn't surprizing I guess. Feeling better than I did this morning but haven't really picked up that much. Been trying to stretch those muscles out some but it seems such a long drawn out job. I know that things are a bit better everyday even if they don't really feel that way.

Might read for a little, I don't know .. probably not though .. bet me friend' been getting into her books. Should've just pottered off after dinner really. There'sa lot I'd lie to read but I really don't seem to have got over that cold easily .. maybe I should've gone into hospital for a couple of days but I didn't think that I needed to but I do seem to be feeling more tired this time. It wasn't that easy staying out but I don't think they could've done much more than I did myself to help me this time.

Anyway time is flying and I'm off to sleep .. not going to be late. I'm getting much better at that .. have me oramorph, ibuprofen, specs and me books by me bed for tomorrow morning. I take the other pills after I've got up.

Monday

Well, I did go last night and am pleased that I did though I'm not feeling at all well again this morning. I know quite a bit of that is due to the muscles moving though .. it can only take a very small movement to get them into a new position where they're compressing something and causing extra pain. It's making me feel tired as well.

I missed my lift .. all my own fault cause I should've realised that she'd phone if I didn't come down to the door .. but I'd gone becaue I thought I'd missed her. I was about four minutes late going down .. she had fallen asleep and arrived about three minutes after I'd gone. I'd met her in town earlier and decided that I would go after all and I'm glad I did. I don't think I'd be handling this morning quite so well if I hadn't for a number of reasons.

I'm reading my new book with greater insight and interest too .. guess I might read it a few times .. I've got another book about peoples experiences .. didn't read carefully to see what it was about other than that but saw it was a spiritual book so decided to give it a try ... from someone there ... and a couple of sounds of nature cds.

My muscles started moving quite a bit while I was there and I was cuddled a bit through the service. Wasn't as painful as it is today .. but there seems to be quite a lot happening at the moment .. I hear the crunch of the muscles as they move.

I didn't go for healing .. maybe I should've to charge up the subconscious a bit. I will do my EFT instead .. I use it to see if it will help me cope with the pain .. though something else came up while I was doing it that did need sorting out but which I hadn't thought of using this for .. it's so rare and often just happens when I've got a bit of a temperature. So, I'll give it a go using EFT.

Try to get some gentle stretching exercises done today too.

What I've found interesting from hearing about other people's experiences is just how varied and, apparently, common, they are. Was reading something a doctor had written yesterday which was very interesting but I find it quite difficult getting my head round all the different kinds of experiences that people have .. mine are just a tiny fragment.

Sunday

Woo hoo ... eh!!!! Though I'm still too tired to take it all in. Didn't get much sleep last night though I went to bed early .. more than I thought though .. for some reason thought it was much earlier than it was and was very surprized to see it was around 9 when I looked at the clock. I suppose I'd thought that cause it is so dark this morning .. I'd just closed my eyes and tried to get some more rest .. wish I'd known what the time was though cause then I'd've taken my bone sparing pill a bit earlier .. still wasn't that late with me other medication .. but it would've meant that I could've got my first dose of ormorph down a bit earlier.

I felt very ill yesterday .. not ill in a going into hospital way but just generally .. worse than usual .. it's difficult to know quite how to describe it when my norm is feeling bad anyway .. but worse than I normally do .. things improved in the late afternoon and I pottered out for a while. Bought some more bags and hopefully will get on with the packing today. I've still got a bit of a cold so will have to see how things go during the day .. I'm a bit burpy which is upsetting my tum some but I'll see how it goes.

I haven't been doing my meditation or anything like that for the past few days cause I've not been feeling well .. I'll start again today .. just done five minutes .. but haven't started the EFT yet.

Done .. I'll do a bit more meditation later.

Moving the muscles a bit but they're feeling quite tight in the position they are at the moment across the chest and around the tum .. still at least they're on the move. If somewhat slowly. Don't think I'll go out this evening .. still wanting to rest .. but I'll see how things go. I guess I could've gone last night but I'd've just sat there half asleep but I would've liked to have gone really .. but, it was my decision .. guess I'd've been ok with a lift there and back. I was very tired though and had been feeling rather bad earlier in the day. See how it goes today though. It's been quite a strange cold really and I really am surprized that I didn't end up in hospital with it .. things did get pretty grim for a couple of days just not as bad as they normally do .. it's gone on for ages though. I'm nowhere near as bloced up today as I was yesterday so hopefully it's on it's way out now.

Should do a few stretching exercises too I guess along with the meditation and EFT .. try and help things along as much as I can.

Right .. next lot of pain relief due. Go and sort that out.

butterflies

I don't want to insult the guy who told the story about his wife and the butterflies by saying he's not telling the truth and I do, actually, believe this story . but .. I don't know him so he's not a friend but he didn't have any obvious ulterior motive to lie, and, in this book, in the main, people are anonymous. There are a few celeb stories told intermittantly throughout the book . have to say I didn't like the way this was done and felt that they were trying to market the book on these stories which I thought wasn't great for a spiritual book. Would've made me think twice about buying it usually .. but, maybe it wasn't the author's idea to do that .. and at £1.99 it would be well worth it anyway both for the time it kept me occupied reading it and also the time spent thinking about it afterwards if nothing else. It's turned out to be a good book, though, that little publishers ploy could've left it on the shelf as far as I was concerned.

Ah ... I've just found out why the lady might've thought so much of the butterfly brushimg against her face.

http://butterflywebsite.com/discover/bfliesandrainbows.cfm

It is a lovely book and I'm so glad I did potter into The Works and find it.

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So, I now have a new set of initials along with NDE and OBE .. ADC .. After-Death Communication .. the same as the book's title. Something else to read about .. there've been quite a few books on the subject .. I'll read around the net.

Wonder if it's mentioned in Sylvia Browne's book .. it's a book describing different things in paranormal beliefs. OK .. so I'm not convinced by someone who isn't so overwhelmed when they are ectoplasmed that they don't rush to the scientific community with the tangible proof but that doesn't mean that I won't find out something that's interesting .. it's a book about different paranormal beliefs.

I have a couple of issues with the book I'm reading now .. I don't think it's that well researched .. some people thought the same about one of her other books .. but others loved it .. I think I found a research contradiction too .. but I'll have to read back through to confirm it as I closed the book without marking the page and don't know where it was now as I'd just been leafing through. And, there's one sory that I think was there for rather dubious motives and that I didn't go along with at all .. fortunately it should be on the net as it's not just a private person's story .. nor, for that matter, one of the "celebrity" stories that has been singled out with a star. Though, again, as I'd just been leafing through, I'm not sure where it is now!!!! For the research I thought was contradictory I really just need to read through to find if there was anything added to explain it .. like the little butterfly story .. the connection seems to be that butterflies have been thought to do this kind of thing before. Just a general connection.

I had a butterfly sit on my shoulder down the bottom of town once .. thin I blogged about it at the time .. didn't stay there that long .. a few minutes .. now it arrived opposite where mum's next door neighbour worked .. and I could think something about that .. but I don't have any connetions to butterflies and I certainly wasn't thinking about that when I started my old, sadly deleted diary, years ago .. that was about the tenplate for the diary. If I'd thought that I wouldn't've deleted it .. mum, was mentioned because it was started quite soon after she passed over and not because of a butterfly who landed on my shoulder for a few minutes. I remember it cause it's the only time a butterfly has landed on my shoulder. I actually wanted it to go because it seemed so fragile perched there .. was in the days when I used to walk a lot and quite quickly. Though felt a little sad when it did go as I thought it'd be the only time I'd have a butterfly perched on me shoulder hitching a bit of a lift.

I do like the book .. the ADC one .. I haven't read the story that made me decide to buy the book again .. my experience was quite different really and not about the same subject at all (ADC) but there was a striking similarity about some of it .. enough to have me intrigued. I think I'd've bought the book anyway .. it's well worth reading .. and with the added bonus of being in The Works with a fiver knocked of the price.

I do know now that there have been quite a few books written about this subject .. but I'm satisfied with this one and trawling for more stories around the web. I found the butterfly one .. the second one lovely .. how that guy must've felt. Think I should really stop dipping in and out of the book and read it all the way through.

Going to do dinner now .. it's salad ..and more soup I think and I'll have either a fortisip or some of my soya protein drink .. the one I have to mix up meself. I'm tired so I'll probably go for the fortisip . I have the fortisip extra with the extra protein.

Am glad that I didn't go out this evening .. I'm not feeling very well and I wouldn't've enjoyed myself .. though I would've liked to have been there .. once I would've .. I could've had a lift there and back .. but I think that I'm fine with staying in speaks loads as to where my mind is .. perhaps I'm happier about it all on a conscious level now too .. though I'll never stop investigating. I'm not sitting here worrying that I might be missing something that would be the most important piece of proof.

There is something I'd like to know as I mentioned before .. well, I'm half way to knocing some of the problems I had out. How I wish I'd said something at the time. Still, I've found something out that makes me a bit happier about it all. I guess there are two people that I could contact which might shed some light on the situation. Only one person did this so it puts another doubt to rest.

Hmmmmm!!!! I could never be 100% sure but I could be a bit surer than I at the moment.

Saturday

Really blocked up this morning. Didn't think that my cold had gone .. it's a slightly itchy one and I was still itching yesterday though seem a lot better this morning .. though I'm still tired and blocked up. Didn't go out last night and won't be this evening either. Better to just stay here and rest I think.

Fell asleep with the light on last night .. was going to read but didn't .. fell asleep before I had a chance .. can remember putting the book down on the bed to flatten it out a bit .. then decided to rest for a few moments and woke up aroud eight this morning.

Right will take my next lot of meds now and then see how I feel.