............

Will av 2 turn in .. av ad me cup of tea .. and though I looked round n round n round n round .. could neigh find an excuse 2 stay up late!!!!

So ... I've promised 2 turn in .. in .. the next half n hour.

..................

Well, finally passed on the herbal site to my brother who is thrilled cause it turns out that he knows a number of people who will love reading the books .. one wants to be a nutritionalist/herbalist so will be happy to have the books to look at I guess.

I've only really looked at The Green Pharmacy one. When I first read it I thought it was something the guy who owns the site had written himself .. til I found the Learning Centre there.

I'm very glad that I did cause it appears to have made quite a difference to my health .. well, in one way. Still got colds it's just that they haven't been as bad as they had been for quite some time and the improvement started a couple of days after I started eating/drink the spices and spice tea.

I expect it could be better still .. haven't been very adventureous really, have I.

Things you eat and drink do have an effect on you .. you only have to experience caffeine withdrawal to realise that.

I gave my brother some spices .. big bags that are sold for cooking .. and he'ss happy to start experimenting .. he has friends, and always has had. who are very into this kind of thing. Have to say that I wasn't but have changed me mind.


Whatever happens in the long term for me at least this has made things better for now .. huh.

Woke up this morning with a painful left foot .. one of the toes in particular so I suppose there had been some muscle relaxing going on .. it's because of the muscles very, very (very,very) slowly moving that I can walk further now and don't end up in hospital more or less every time I sneeze. Foot's ok now .. was fine after it'd been exercised a bit.

Should start readung my book afain now that I feel a bit better. I was interesteed enough to buy it so I guess I should read it. Bet the woman I was speaking to the other week has finished hers. Errrrm .. Im still on the chapter about meditation .... which reminds me .........

No, I haven't ..



Hours later .. lol!!!


Have been off doing other things .. and am going to turn in very shortly.

................................

Off to bed now .. had me cup of tea .. lol .. bought some crystalized ginger too .. half price in the shop in the priors .. so've had me tea and eaten some ginger and garlic today .. it's not bad and if it helps me health a bit then it has to be good. Will have to read up more about herbs and spices. I have to be careful though cause of my meds .. what I'm doing now seems to be helping a bit without causing any extra problems so might as well go for it ... lol!!!

As for me gaming site .. as far as I'm concerned all the crap is over .. can't do anything about the other woman who keeps on messaging us this weird, creepy, nasty stuff cause the woman who's losing her memory adores her!!! Sigh. So will just have to leave her to get on with it .. guess it's no big deal .. once u know why she's doing it the best thing to do is just to leave her to it maybe .. no one's taking any notice of her who knows what's up except to think she's a sad and sick person and just brushes her aside.

Sad that she ropes some people in though. But, still, they must want to be to some degree .. on the whole .. not people like the woman who's losing her memory .. because it's perfectly obvious what she's doing.

Anyway, off to bed now .. taken me meds .. eaten and drunk my spices .. haven't done my EFT or meditation .. do meditate sometimes but haven't been doing any of the EFT .. it's some kind of affirmation thing which apparently works really well for some people.

Maybe I should try doing it to try to keep doing it ... lol!!!!

Friday

And so it continues .. E returned a couple of days ago .. but had one of her profiles removed by the govs today .. but not the other .. strangely enough the one where she called us a***w**es is still there. I really thought she'd gone ... well, for more than a few days.

Looks as if the person she pissed off this time only knew her from the one site .. or doesn't know if s/he knows her from both.

Found out too that it was the govs who took down her last two profiles before this .. well, the ones I knew her from. Also found out that the guy who got the want/need saying round the wrong way's son had his profile removed by the govs a little while ago. I haven't the faintest idea what's going on there.

The b.d.o.y.life woman is mozzying along .. we've been treated to both that and the f(r)iends thing in the last couple of days. Things obviously aren't going too well chez her at the moment!!!!!!! Also we've had things are awful ... SUDDEN silence her end. One new woman was so worried she got in touch with us all about her. Um .. she'll do this quite a lot .. have to admit I was slightly worried this time .. turned out I needn't've been .. but there you go.

Good news though .. I am friends with my friend again .. turned out that it was an E related problem .. one of her other friends is a friend of E's .. though I think that's all over as of today ..... and what happened stemmed from that. She is unblocked though I'm still a bit pissed off .. though as she's almost incoherent with worry that I'd pottered off for good I think she means what she's saying.

I still don't know why she was hardly on the site during that time .. everything she says is very garbled at the moment .. but I'm willing to let it be and just hope it works out.

I'm pretty sure she went cause she hoped I wouldn't hold out and would contact her and then be talked round. Well, it didn't work out that way .. I took the block down and she contacted me.

Anyway .. looks as if things will be ok .. she's gotta think through how she relates to us all I guess. I think her fiend ... lol!!! ... had been filling her head with a load of crap about are E .. how nice she really is etc. Well, the guvs disagreed for the third time that we know about that we know about today. Guess if I wanted I could make it the 4th but I think it might be better to know where she is .. though she wasn't on her alter-profile today that often .. yes, I did check a few times .. I'll have to stop .. lol!!! .. so guess she's out there raking up the points to a guestbook on yet another profile.

She must've had a whole secret life on the profiles I first knew her on .. cause no-one in that little group went to the guvs about her before those profiles went down .. so where was she and what was she doing!!! None of us .. including the two best friends .. have the faintest idea.

I don't think anyone would've done it and not have said anything by now if it was one of that little group of people .. so it looks as if it was someone else.

Thursday

Woke up this morning in quite a lot of pain but it was down to my muscles rather than having a cold .. had settled down in the main by the afternoon .. although I'm very aware of my ribcage moving more than it was .. making me feel a but dizzy and nauseous .. was reminded of the woman at the hospital who'd overdone the gardening.

I know I've got to exercise really .. think I might've overdone it a bit the other day though .. did lots of twirling round at waist level which turned out not to be a good idea .. or maybe I'd've felt like I did with less movement too .. I've no idea.

Waiting for my tea to cool .. and then soon to bed,

Wednesday

Me tummy muscles are moving a bit .. and it's painful and tiring. Talked to two people having muscular problems yesterday .. one had strained a muscle sneezing in an awkward position and the other had been lugging heavy things around and was feeling dizzy and nauseous as well as thinking that she might've strained a muscle too.

Me .. well, this evening I just want to turn in really. And, will do soon.

No enthusiastic exercising tonight though.

Zzzzzzzzzz and more zzzzzzzzzzzz

Dozed off .. am off to bed for real now .. lol!!! Luckily had already had dinner, made phone calls, cup of tea etc .. won't be doing exercises as overdid them a bit last night .. and just had my protein drink. Had a nice rest.

So back to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz now.

....

Done most of what I was going to do. I dunno how long I'm gonna have this respite for .. I'm told there're some really nasty bugs going round here .. so maybe it won't be for very long .. it has been nice though. I felt the best I'd felt got a long time this morning first thing .. it was me bone sparing pill day .. you know .. take sittimg up with a glass of water half an hour before eating or drinking anything else or taking any other meds. I wasn't feeling too good as the half hour went on but better than I usually do .. or, had done for some time .. since I really don't know when. But I was womdering just what was going to happen as the half hour was moving on .. but it was better than it usually is.


I am a bit concerned cause it did mention that the tea could enhance the effects of the corticosteroids .. and, therefore lower my immune system .. but it looks as if while what I'm using is enough to effect the viral particles it's not enough to effect the medicine .. or, if it is, something else there is boosting my immune system to counteract the other effect because I've not suddenly become a mass of bacterial infections either. I know it's not effecting my skin cause things aren't healing there. I'm just keeping a careful eye on what's going on.


If I suddenly start getting a lot of bacterial infections than I will stop .. but it's been a couple of weeks and nothing's happened. But obviously I'm going to keep a careful watch .. not just on bacterial infections .. but on everything I guess seeing that I'm so ill anyway. Eating the garlic anyway!!! lol!!!

The teabag says brew for 7 minutes .. but I leave it in and the tea is usually cold by the time I finish it so maybe I'm getting slightly more than 7 minutes would give me .. dunno how teabags work that way .. is there much difference after the first few minutes???!!!

Anyway .. let's see what happens. That's all I can do.

Did go out this evening but was very late .. stayed for a cup of tea and a lift back .. lol!!!!

Sunday

Still snivelling a bit but still ok!! That's about 2 weeks? Can't remember really .. just been drinking the tea!!! lol!!! Guess you just have to play with the herbs and spices to you find something to suit you. Mine has to take account of my meds I reckon but seems to be working .. think I mentioned the spices I'm using .. been talking about it so much that it's easy to forget just who I've spoken to about it.

Things are much better now that E has gone .. lol!!! The other lady is a pain in the buttress .. but it all comes out in the wash so to speak .. like you've got to pass over some day .. and I'm now totally convinved that there's life after life .. nothing to do with herbal teas. It's not my business that she's tied herself up with so many lies through her nastiness .. I do know that she doesn't care .. she's not really the slightest bit interested in anything like that .. it's common knowledge on the site that the creeps there will just show interest in anything to try and get information out of you to use against you at a later date ... goes for everywhere else too.

Someone reckoned that it was 99% of the site .. noooooooooooo!!!!!!! I reckon that's pushing it a bit!!! Well, a lot. But, just as in real life, there are a lot of people like that there.

E has left calling us a***wipes ... lol!!!!! Oh dear!!!!! The other woman is annoying the hell out of me. I don't know quite where she's coming from .. cept it isn't a very nice place. I'm having to be very careful .. there is just something all over wrong here. I was going to offer someone something .. but I can't .. because something shitty is going on and I really am not sure what it is or quite where it stops and where it starts .. and I'm not going to be manipulated. So I'm gonna have to wait a bit longer.

I blocked someone a couple of weeks ago because they behaved nastily and now they're hardly on the site at all .. don't know if they're trying to say sorry .. I just don't know .. but reckon I'd have a hard time believing it anyway so there's no point going into it. Don't get it. I think maybe she thought I'd come running to her asking if she's ok etc, etc .. and then the whole cycle would start again. Just have to go on what happened really.

Anyway, I'm happy with things as they are .. the truth is the truth .. what really happened is what really happened and in the long run that's all that matters. Nothing changes that. lol!!!!

I have a few of my old friends and some new very nice people .. a whole blob of 1%ers ... lol!!!. They're friends of friends of friends etc generally .. one totally new one .. hope she's nice too. Working on the 15% thing ... lol again.

We shall see how it goes.

Gonna do a bit of sorting out now.

Not much ... but a little.

Saturday

I have a cold .. at least I think I so .. and, anyone who knows me well, will know how strange that is because of what my meds and illness do to me .. but that's how it is. I woke up with puffy lips and wet eyes this morning which means I have a cold .. thought I might've had one yesterday but really wasn't sure .. which just isn't how things go with me .. I know when I have a cold and I'd felt really ill for quite a while because of them .. since before the "6 day bug .. but I don't feel so bad .. well, you know, comparitively speaking .. me other conditions are being a pain though I'm hoping the manuka honey cream I have from the doctor might help with some of the problems .. seems to if caught quickly enough.

Anyway .. will just have to wait and see.

As for my book have been to busy thinking about and reading up on other things ... lol!!! And looking around sites to do wiv me languages.

Dooes speeces must be doing sumfing.

Think it's time fer me evening cuppa. Will be very interested when my brother starts making his own blends. He knows what to do .. grinding the spices etc .. think he's seen it or heard about it from his friends and now is thinking about giving it a go himself .. he's on meds and has asthma and is hoping that, at least he'll find something to help pretect his liver .. he's just going for teas generally .. though don't think I've ever heard of garlic tea .. think with garlic it's very much better to go for fresh than dried garlic cause a lot of the goodness is in the oil. He seems really interested in it and has been looking at the spices. I know if he wasn't interested he wouldn't've bothered and, even if he had been, he might not have done either .. he might just've let it slide.

I'm not drinking as much of the tea as I could .. two cups a day seems enough for me at the moment with a bit of garlic .. which isn't in me tea .. think that might put me off for life.

Have done a little bit of stretching which has made me feel a bit sick .. not a good idea just before dinner .. but, hey .. too late now.

I might have a break from my teas every so often I think .. look up other anti viral possibilities and swop over every so often and have a couple of days even where I'm not drinking any at all .. though .. if they are stopping my immune system from having so much work to do don't want it to get used to it .. will wait for a while because it's been so overloaded for so long because of the meds though .. give it a rest.

Even if I do feel a bit rougher than usual when I sneeze .. this is to be expected even though I don't need to go into hospital now .. I've had a good break in feeling lousy because of colds .. and that's ... er ... not to be sneezed at. I hope I don't but it's not likely really I guess especially as I'd been feeling so ill for so long cause of these wretched colds.

Have to wait and see.

..................

I'm off to bed in a minute. Was sitting here with a mug of herbal tea in my hand thinking how on earth did I end up doing this .. then remembered it was because I was looking up things cause people I know have liver problems and have difficulty sleeping .. I can't remember now if it was because I was reading up on an illness or because someone had recommended a herbal remedy for the sleeping problems and I was reading about that. Anyway, so far, it seems to be working. My friends, on the whole, aren't that surprized .. guess I am though .. but, then, if these plants have medically recognised contra-indications when mixed with conventional medicines it's not really too surprizing that they have some good medical effects as well. If they can do one you'd expect them to be able to help medically too I guess .. even if it's just a little. All I can do is just wait and see what happens .. so far so good. I'm keeping an eye out for any changes good or bad. The site with the contraindications pages seems a good place to use as a kind of point of focus. Anyway, all I can do now is wait but if you have any idea of how I was feeling in the aftermath of the "6 day" bug .. well, before that too, as far as colds go, you'd understand why I'm a bit more hopeful about the colds side of things now .. we shall see. It's certainly been a bit better for a few days though all I can do is wait and see now.

Anyway, I've been dozing on the sofa again this evening .. but still very tired so off to bed now. I'm always tired now but I think that's a mixture of me illnesses and the meds.

Friday

Still seemingly less coldy than usual .. nice to have a few days break from that adding to all the other problems. I have problems with colds cause some of my meds are immune suppressive so I catch colds easier than most people .. they're there to dampen down an overenthusiastic immune system. I think I must have a very strong one given the way it's fought the medication .. not the best of illnesses to have a very strong immune system with. Think it's probably pissed off with the meds and fighting them too.

Not the best of days as far as the auto immune illness goes though .. know what's caused the problem and have altered things .. have more to sort out there .. will do tomorrow. Had to go and get my meds sorted out .. as there'd been a mistake down the syrgery .. guess it's worth checking your prescriptions before handing them over to the chemist. I have two things that are very similar cept one is fizzy for a mouthwash and the other is a coated tablet to make it easier on the system. It disolves in the small intestine .. some aspirins are enteric coated for people who have stomach problems when they take aspirin. I was only prescribed the mouthwash. It's not really a problem though cause if I did run out I guess I could use the dissolvable pills for a few days .. I take a pill to protect my stomach and if I drank some soya milk as well to protect me a little bit more I guess I'd be ok .. I'll have to ask a pharmacist .. maybe the fizzy ones would be better than the non enteric coated tablets. They are the same strength .. 5mg. I read the leaflet inside the box they came in again and saw that they are suitable to take as the other pills as well as using as a mouthwash. I guess it would be ok for a little while if I ran out of the others.

.......................

Just waiting for the kettle to boil to make me mug of herbal tea. Onviously I'll bever eat liquorice again while U'm taking cortico steroids .. it increases the potency of them as well which means it lowers your immune system even more .. have to say, though, just drinking the teas seems to have stopped my viral infections running out of control the way they used to before and I've even felt cold free for a couple of days though I'm probably not .. it's just that maybe the colds aren't affecting me so badly. Chemicals in liquorice are said to stop some viruses replicating so quickly so maybe my immune system can deal with them better. Maybe just drinking the teas .. one or two a day means you get enough of the chemical to stop the viruses replicating but not enough to lower the immunity any further or something. But I noticed in a couple of days that my cold seemed a little less damaging than usual. Amd certainly not as bad as they had been since I caught the "6 day" bug I caught .. I just didn't seem able to shake it off.

Sadly, though, I guess I'll never eat liquorice again .. though I can drink the teas.

Thursday

I think someone reported E to the guvs .. a good think too .. anyway she's gone with much spluttering indignation. I'm glad she has .. expect she'll be back soon though but as yet there aren't any profiles up with her usual trademarks .. I've checked .. though, maybe she's being a bit more careful this time.

Someone's found another one of her profiles but she hasn't been back there for over two months and only used it for two days anyway .. the lady's hopeful she'll start using that again but she won't cause, for one thing, it's in one of her deleted profile's names .. it ain't going to happen. I expect she'll eventually turn up again though .. not deliberately maybe but she'll likely surface again, probably through going back to the profiles of people she used to know .. and one day paths will cross again and someone will spot her. I think she'll always be recognisable .. lol!!!

I have lots of new nice friends on there which is nice so I guess I'll stay around .. dunno why .. but it suits me .. won't be on site that often though now. It just got too dramatic really and I've got bored .. but I won't go completely.

I don't think, really, that it would've mattered if she'd've been reported or not by the first group of people cause she would only have come back eventually. And, as it's turned out. even not letting her know we knew about the different profiles with one woman .. one of the two friends .. continually visiting them wouldn't've made any difference .. looks like it's someone new who has gone to the guvs.

And, she's gone.

But .. I expect in a few days/weeks/months she'll be back.

Not remotely interested in the rest of it .. the angel lady will carry on with the passive aggressive rubbish and, heaven knows. what will happen to the couple .. will they ever meet etc., etc. I'm not following what's going on there and it seems neither is virtually anyone else anymore it seems .. guess people have decided that it doesn't look like it might be quite the happy ending they were hoping for anymore and have gone on to other things.

Maybe they'll be really happy .. but I guess the odds just don't look that good at the moment.

Dunno why he deleted ALL the congratulations and good luck messages from people.

Anyway, a chapter has closed on the site I guess .. guess someone might tell me if they ever meet/get married or if E returns.

..................

If my friend hadn't've come back I think I would've gone to a new profile and eased myself off the site!!! I think I'm quite bored there now to be honest .. it's great when I'm feeling tired. Just sitting here playing mahjonng or something .. but you can have too much of a good thing I think.

I've more or less stopped listening to music .. well, ok, youtube was more to do with that than anything else. The Shania Twain clips I put up sometime back aren't available here now either .. oh well .. don't suppose I'd've been watching them if they were .. I'd just clicked to see if she'd put anything new up. Wondered if she had to start off with .. but, no .. those videos aren't available in this country.

Don't know why it's put me off youtube so much .. but it has .. think I just feel a bit exasperated .. so, just over the last few days, have occasionally been tuning into the radio. and am happier with that playing in the background .. whether it's listening to talk or music. As far as music goes I'm more interested in the music than the visual side anyway so suits me fine.

Or, something ... lol!!!!

Until the problem at youtube is sorted out.

Doesn't really matter though .. my hearing isn't always so good now combination of the aspirin and years of loud music .. huh. Be careful of ur eardrums u can't replace them.

I think I will edge my way out of the gaming site now though. Doesn't mean I have to leave all the people behind. I understand why so many people don't put a guestbook up now but just play the games .. bet quite a few have PMs blocked too. I want to know what happens to E though .. if the women want to go fer her guestbook .. let them .. they can cope with ANYTHING that comes back their way .. cause they have proof ,,, lol!!! I thought it better not to cause it could be nasty .. our nurse will cry for .. half a day or maybe more. I know she probably didn't cry for half a day when I left before .. I thought it rather strange at the time considering she hardly knew me. Though I did think she might've cried cause she wanted the support ... needy .. huh lol!!! Needing me as a friend rather than wanting me as an individual.

Well, until something happens on E's profiles or my language learning takes off in a big way .. lol!!! I guess that's all about the site. There are actually some lovely people on there too .. lol!!! but there are quite a few E's of both genders.

Think it's time I went and did something else anyway.

tuesday

Ah .. it's not who I hoped it would be .. there's a lady of 69 who hasn't been around for a week in a community I belong to and I'd sent her a PM saying I hoped she was ok .. she hasn't logged in or anything .. she'd been away a couple of days before that. I don't know her very well at all but I was very conscious of the fact that. like lots of communities on the web, if you go AWOL so to speak you're hardly missed .. well, you are .. but people just wait til you come back rather than contacting you unless you have friends you email or PM there.



I'm new there anyway .. well, two weeks in .. lol!! .. the new ... er "grrrrl" .. and just settling in. Last night I sent her a PM saying I hoped she was ok .. but I've a feeling that she won't be coming back .. just think she wants somewhere a bit livelier .. it's not actually humming .. but I'm there and I'll stay ..you can almost hear everyone taking their midday nap .... the owner has another board which is almost exactly the same .. why she doesn't suggest combining the 2 I don't know.

There's not much chance them taking off the way they're run at the moment.

Anyway, if she is ill rather than gone to another community at least she'll know she's thought of and welcome back .. but I have a feeling she's found somewhere where there are more people to chat to and more topics to talk about. The other community is very, very slow.

Having said that I'm very happy with who it is .. someone completely different who is a very spiritual person who is part of the thing that made me happy on the day I was wished it would be the best of my life by the woman over on the other site .. she's a different kind of person all together. We are quite different in out beliefs but she appears to have shared this with me after a tragedy earlier in the year.

She is very nice.

Right off to do me meds and have breakfast.

..............................

Got up for a cup og liquorice tea and somr garlic. lol!!! It's cooling now. We were discusiing wanting v needing in griendshipsw and relationships earlier on . Obviously because of what went on on the site. And the freedom of wanting a person in your life because you like/love them but not because you are needy and somewhat dependent on them.



I felt sad when I read what he'd written as did other people discussing the concept .. though sometimes it is difficult to tell just how dependent we are on other people .. but it is nice to be able to say to someone I'm here because I want to be .. because I like you and want you in my life and not because I'm needy and need you there. You can do both at the same time .. want someone there firstly because you like and love them but need them in some ways too .. but it's great to want people in your life because you want them as people you like, love and respect.



I was surprized that he's said what he did .. people there seem to have moved away from the story now .. there was a time when it was being followed as an inspiring love story .. two people being kept apart by illnesses and distance .. lol .. sounds familiar!!! But no-one is responding now .. there's silence.



I can't think what he meant when he said that .. he's ill .. she's a trained carer and I'm sure would've loved to be told that he wanted her as a partner independently of whether he needed her or not .. that's what people usually say. It's a well known romantic idea .. to want someone in your life just because you love them and not because you need them to be there .. for some reason he got it the wrong way round.



Someone said that it didn't sound as if he really meant much of what he said. I don't know .. it's all .. u are the most beautiful woman ever my precious queen of the universe .. beautiful angel of the heavens. And the same goes back the other way .. well, not queen of the universe .. or E would've been right ... lol!!!!



I don't think there's been one hug .. just all these cliches .. with a made up pet name for each other .. they both use the same one.



He says he thinks of her all the time and judging by what he says .. he means ALL the time and not just a lot of the time .. he also tells her that having her in his life keeps him from going down with the illnesses .. which is really needing and putting a lot of responsibility on someone else's shoulders.



Well, I hope they are fine for each other and make each other very happy in a good way. But to be honest I find it hard to believe that this is going to happen .. she is quite aggressive and was quite nasty to one of the people on the site just because she hadn't signed the guestbook when she was profile reading. The place wouldn't last a day if everyone behaved like that. But she can be q1uite aggressive and rude .. and, believe me, nowhere near as caring as she makes out she is. If he's as needy as he appears to be I think he's in for a shock. But, still, despite that, I hope that they do manage to work things out. They haven't met yet but hopefully talking over the net has let them get to understand each other very well ....................... though .... it doesn't look like it.



As I said .. people seem to have given up on their story now. I was rooting for them for quite a while .. then, slowly things didn't look quite right.



It is such a responsibility to put the whole of the responsibility of your life onto someone else when you're ill in the way he's doing in this situation. I think this is what's made people lose interest. Especially as they've never met. She has agreed to marry him already .. they've known each other on line for about a year. You know .. I couldn't've recovered from the op if u weren't here .. omly knowing you're around stops me from going into deep, deep depression about my illness.



And now this I don't want you but I really need you.



Well, if what he's saying mirrors his situation then he really does .. but it seems way over the top to me. His illnesses aren't that bad but they are difficult right now. You wouldn't expect him to be thinking about death, for goodness sake, in connection with them.



It's all very strange,



Anyway we decided that it was nice to be wanted just as a friend or in a romantic relationship because someone liked you as a person and wanted you around because of that and not because they were needy to have you there.



I mean the whole point of the saying is to compliment the person in your life that you've chosen them to be in your life independently of how needy you are .. that's the whole point of it and it's meant to be a compliment .. he's said the opposite.



And the stuff saying he wouldn't'be got better if she hadn't been there .. well, figuratively speaking .. she didn't go over there .. they've not met yet. .. just is a load of crap .. it's not that type of illness at all.


Ah well .. I hope things sort themselves out for them .. or, rather, that they sort things out and it all works out.


I don't know but is maybe putting the possibility of your recovery .. it's not that type of illness anyway .. it's over dramatised .. onto someone you've never even met a little possessive.


I've been away from there for the main part .. not really interested anymore. I can contact people off the site anyway and I'm happier doing that. Ha! I've even said to some people to write what they want in E's guestbook whereas I was totally against it before ... lol!!!


Hey .. why not. I was worried that they wouldn't be able to deal with the guvs etc .. but they've enough to deal with her if she tries anything and the guvs come in .. lol .. think I was worrying for nothing .. now that the groundwork's been done so to speak there's nothing to worry about. I sorted all that out .. so that they're holding a load of webshots etc and it's all been documented with dates already so there's no real problem.


They have loads of stuff .. unfortunately the two main friends deleted a lot .. better if they'd saved the lot I guess. There's a chance this could become a legal matter I guess .. depends what E's doing behind the scenes. Something's happened cause she's been using some pretty strong language .. with """"""'s but strong all the same .. something has happened. One lady thinks it's because someone has told E that people are saying that she's not she .. could be .. she'd normally write it on the other profile if it was about that .. but she can't cause she's said she's away in hospital ... lol!!!



But it is possible that she does know now .. one woman lied about having told lots of people .. that came out soon enough .. she said that she'd messaged everyone on her friends list about E. That is everyone in that gaming group .. I know of three people who didn't get to hear .. and two of them are very close indeed. This happened cause E PM'd them about something on their profiles pretending to be a journalist .. she was very rude ... and they didn't know that this new profile was E .. so the person who said she'd PM'd all these people was caught out .. or, at least I know .. she's the hope this is the best day of your life one. She's not E .. know someone who's spoken to both of them on the phone ... lol!!!


And one other bloke who's in the group didn't know either. Just found out by accident!!! The people I know well already knew and I haven't asked if they got a PM from this other woman too. But, with three she didn't tell, I guess it's safe to say she probably didn't send out the messages she said she had.


Oh, wor a tangled web we weave .. when something blab di blah di something to deceive. I don't know the actual saying .. but it's certainly getting very tangled.


Seems to be the night for these sort of sayings and modern folk type wisdom .. huh .. first with the wanting rather than needing one and then the tangled web. But there are some very tangled webs being woven there.


Some people have said not to believe anything the hope this is the best day of your life woman says. Trouble is what she's said about her life is so awful .. I wouldn't want to make a mistake even in these circumstances .. but it doesn't really change much cause I know what she's like and I'll just respond to what she's doing at the time .. the rest doesn't matter at all really .. it was a very strange joke .. if she made it .. for someone who'd been through her childhood to make. Well, for anyone to make but especially in these circumstances.


Not that I'll have much to do with her anyway now .. but still .. something's obviously up.


This one says she used to be a nurse. I was slightly surprized how she put that when she mentioned it too .. she'd said to this other woman that she nursed people .. when I told her about my illnesses she told me that she nursed the terminally ill .. it was just the change in phrasing that made me a little surprized .. it felt like she'd picked up on what I'd just told her. The other woman is almost 80. The one she told she was a geriatric nurse. But I didn't think that much of it then. I was cautious because other things had happened that had sounded warning bells starting a few months before when someone first introduced her to me and she seemed to be playing games .. we were then out of contact until the stuff with E really got going.

Anyway .. it's not that much to do with me now really.

I want to go and see who has friended me over at another site I'm on .. heard the ting downloading my mail and checked what it was and where from.

Ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! No, that's that site!!! Actually there are some very nice people on it .. that's just a few out 9f 100s of thousands of people there .. and, regardless of what 1 woman said, it's not 99% of them oo r orrid .. it just feels like it some days.

Right off I go .............

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Just put dinner on ..got to bed on time last night ..lol!! did me sores .. got my meds ready for the morning, took my protein drink and meds for the night, and had a glass of water.

As for that site .. someone I used to know there got back in touch .. I'd visited her profile .. she came back to mine and left a message and I don't really want to have to explain why I'm leaving this profile .. but I want to stay in touch with her .. so that really leaves staying but cutting down my involvement with some people there more or less to group messages and the occasional more personal one. I also have some very nice messages I want to follow up.

So, I guess that's how it'll be for now .. once I'm more settled with my old friend I might tell her and move.

Guess that will be ok. I'm not really bothered .. though I would've prefered to've gone off to another profile and another little cluster of people on the site without having to stay where I am now too. Me friend's ok though .. and she'll help me wiv me language learning .. well, that's what she came to offer to do .. lol!!! I was hoping she might .. she never loses interest .. though we did lose touch .. through me being ill .. and I always think of her a lot too .. looks like, this time, we might of cracked it ...lol!!!! She does know the last person I had to block .. but I noticed there was no return visit when that person visited her profile and left a message .. so that's ok

The sun

Noticed the front page of one paper was out there saying that the sun is good for you .. this is true but you still need to take the advice that's on the BAD (British Association of Dermatologist's) website.

It's all about getting vitamin D .. the sun creats vot D in out skins .. though you can get it from food too. With supplements you have to be careful that you don't take too much cause it can be toxic.

But, you don't want to hide away totally from the sun as I said before .. but you also need to be careful.

Anyway, put advice up before and will again .. the sun can be good but too much of it can be harmful .

http://www.bad.org.uk/site/574/default.aspx

Sunday

I've left my old profile behind. Did what I could when help was really needed there .. and I'm leaving it at that. I only went there to do a bit of gaming .. but there u go .. it'll be back at that now. And .. just a bit .. not much.



I've not felt so well today .. it's because of a little more movement in my ribcage and it hasn't been pleasant at all. People have suggested different pain relief from morphine plus the other stuff for a break and then go back to the morphine when my body's not so used to it. The change over will be a slow process though I guess unless switching from one opiate to another doesn't cause any problems.

Have done my meditation for the day .. did that this morning and just going to get my dinner. Still have the stretching exercises to do. Just very gently.

.................

E is plotting something .. you know the one who suddenly found 2 children she didn't know she had and a few grandkids that had been living in the house secretly. She is a nasty character. One of the woman she went for was looking after her dying husband and E was very rude to her about this .. the guy died a couple of weeks ago. He had cancer and had some symptoms that are a bit like some of mine. Things must've been very difficult when I went for her.

I'm left in a quandry .. some of what's going on there isn't nice at all .. I'm not sure if the woman who hoped that me day a few days ago was going to be the best of my life is telling the truth about much either .. and this is hard to take as some of the things she says have happened in her life are pretty grim .. you know .. you don't want to get it wrong It's just something someone else said about a joke she made that made me wonder about one thing .. who knows .. but it just didn't fit in with what I knew .. at all ... It's all very difficult. As I really don't know I'm approaching it as if it is .. I mean the story she tells really is grim .. but I;m aware of what has happened to make me doubt it .. but there is the chance that the person who told me has somehow got it wrong .. it concerns E .. and I was surprized that they were saying this anyway cause they were all meant to be friends then anyway!!!!!! Maybe she was just trying to pep up the story a bit and this was the result. I really don't know .. or maybe they did share this joke .. going by what was also said which wasn't a joke, it does seem as if it could be right .. but who knows .. I certainly don't. I do know that her behaviour is often very contradictory though and often not very nice. I think the best thing to do is to consider it true unless something else happens that really disproves it.

See just now I've got a message from her thanking me for my kind wishes about her health .. she had actually sent some of us a group message telling us that this was the anniversary of something that would've made her very sad indeed from what she's told us ..she said that was why she'd been so emotional .. the message I'd responded to wasn't about her health .. and because of what it was about .. very dramatic indeed and very sad .. there is absolutely no way she could've forgotten .. But, not just that .. she also said that she was fine as if nothing had happened It's like she's forgotten that she sent that message .. just a little while ago .. she's not the one that appears to be suffering from memory loss.

Going back to the day that she hoped would be the best of my life .. actually .. it was pretty good for a reason ... and, on that basis it could've been seen as one of the best of my life .. obviously not as far as my day to day health improving goes though .. I guess I should've written back and told her that something really good did happen .. on an emotional level .. .. but what the heck!!!

It was a message that was sent out to a few people .. and because some have quite serious difficulties they will have been left wondering about the message. If it had been a one off you'd sort of wonder but leave it .. but there's been quite a bit of undermining behaviour from her .. so you have to put ur 2s and 2s together.

If you questioned her about it she'd tell you you'd made her cry .. for a whole half day .. and she'd probably leave the r out of friend next time she wrote to you .. though you don't actually have to do anything but be there for her to pull this one out of the hat .. it's also down to how her day is going..

I think the 15% rule is a good one .. you know .. that none of us are perfect .. but u have to really decide where ur going to go with, what you're going to accept, as far as the side of ur friend or partner that you really don't find easy to get on with goes.

Obviously with the couple she didn't mind being told that she was needed rather than wanted. It's nice to be told that ur friends are there because they want to be as free agents and not because they need to be. But there's some kind of game being played here. The guy isn't very well .. physically .. which I'd've thought would've made him rather sensitive to issues like this.

But there you go. It's interesting that no-one is getting involved with this now whereas once people were very interested .. dunno if something happened .. apart from him getting rid of the pages where people had left there good wishes and starting again .. not one person has a left a message since the old ones went.times which is part of what made me wonder if she was the one game playing .. but I dunno. I thinkson has left a good wish as they've passed through since then. She seems a "bit" aggressive so there might be problems.

But, ofcourse .. who knows!!


Just having a bedtime drink then off to bed. I meant to go earlier but dozed a bit.

......................

Well .. I did it .. I finally left that site .. well, under that incarnation anyway. I'm just up waiting fer me tea to cool .. then it's zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz time again so I thought I'd come in here for a while.

Lol ... sob ... lol ... sob.

I really hardly know what to say .. except it was a VERY surreal experience.

I was going to write about it earlier on but I sounded so glum I thought I'd leave it. One person said they thought 99% of people on the site had severe problems but that's not true there're lots of nice people there. But, having said that, there are lots of people with problems too. I was talking to someone the other week and we agreed that neither of us is perfect ... lol .. and she said that because someone's human you're gonna know they're not going to act like some sort of robot and be perfect all the time. True .. but the time they're not acting "good" you've got to decide where you draw the line.

It's like I know two marriages that are breaking down because of same pretty odd behaviour and people have had to decide where to draw the line as to what they'll accept within the marriage before deciding to leave.

I decided that the behaviour on the site had gone past what I was able to accept. There's a long distance couple where it's become obvious that someone's playing someone .. I thought it was the woman .. she says she's a nurse but seems to find it impossible to recognise a very, very obvious condition there .. which is very weird and a few other things had me puzzled too .. but the other day he came on and said that he didn't want her but he needed her .. you know got it back to front from what people usually say .. by this time my jaw was dropping .. I'd not long received a message wishing me the happiest day of my life .. from the passive aggressive Christian lady .. who keeps on telling me it's her JOB to keep us all happy but withdraws all the love and angels watching over us if she's feeling down. I have been pleasant.

There's been quite a lot more going on along these lines and it does make it all rather surreal. Especially after the E incident. You know the scam artist who turned up in the middle of all this.

I had no idea what it was like over this part of the site really ... well, didn't until recently .. this evening after yet another problen .. I decided to potter off again.

Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh ... and leave them to it.

Tea is brewing and cooling. Had my blood pressure lowering garlic so am brewing up 2 mugs a day now. Well, from tonight.

See how it goes.

........

I've decided to up my protein intake a little .. there's room for more as I veer towards the lower end of the recommended daily protein intake .. a change to go along with drinking my teas and meditating!! Just been thinking about it and thought it might be worth a try. My body tries very hard to mend the damage the illnesses are causing .. over and over and over again. I'll up it by about 10g. I have to make sure I'm having enough calories to see me through the day too or my body might start using some of the protein as energy.

Just have to try and balance things out.

http://www.daypeopls.org/2009/04/how-much-protein-do-you-need

See if that helps any.

I'm doing me daily garlic clove with me liquorice teas for me blood pressure .. though I doubt if I need it with that little amount of liquorice going in .. though it seems to have had a better effect than the sweets .. maybe it's just the way I'm metabolizing things. My doctor likes to repeat over and over about individual response.

Those are the changes for now .. see what happens.

Haven't done my meditation today yet .. but I will .. infact will do it now .. just 10/15 minutes at the moment.

Did around 15 minutes.

I'm often not too keen when I start off .. feel that I'd rather be doing something else .... but .... after meditating .... often feel like doing more. Guess I've just got to get used to doing it .. it's pretty much a break from my usual routine these days.

I'm going to do some stretching exercises too this evening .. for about five minutes.

Friday

Oh .. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz etc and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Been sleeping quite a bit on and off and here and there.

Have had a slight cold .. not back to the month "6 week" type that I was trying to get over before but it gave me a sore foot for a couple of days .. not all the time .. but when it hurt .. it sure did hurt .. mucho break through pain. I've also had a bit of muscle movement which probably added to that.

Was talking to my brother about the herbal site last night and he's very interested as he has some health probs that some of the remedies might help some .. think he became interested when the month long viral problem eased some after drinking the herbal mixtures. I will try making my own mixtures I think too. He's interested in doing that too. Won't be using them til he's had a word with his doc though. That's cause I made a big deal about it to start off with when we first started talking about it .. cause some herbs can interfere with meds .. so it's best to have a word with a doc first I reckon. Guess he really took that on board because he thinks it's a really good idea.

I believe St John's Wort can be contraindicated with some meds.

Ah, here you go:

http://www.herbs-hands-healing.co.uk/contraindications/stjohnswort.html

I think it's still best to check with a doc first though .. as the person who runs the mothernature site says. We were talking about that site last night. He knows quite a few people who he thinks will be very interested in some of the info there. That was the herbalist site I linked to a few days back.

So, guess we'll both be trying our own mixtures .. sometime .. lol!!! Maybe we can swap receipes.

Have to say .. from that page .. the healing hands site looks good too. The mothernature site has a library of books on herbs on the site you can read on line .. I linked to The Green Pharmacy one before .. guess it's pretty neat to have an on line reference like that.

http://www.mothernature.com/Library/Bookshelf/Books/41/65.cfm

You can get to all the books by clicking on the Learning Centre button near the top of the page.

Anyway .. time for my meds.

Tuesday

Off to bed now .. very tired and a bit queasy .. still have been feeling a bit better for a week or so ... so can't complain. Have been absolutely wiped out this evening though .. a bit gurgly and burpy too.

Never did come down with a bad cold even after that guy sneezing in the car which is pretty unusual for me .. well, I've had a slight runny nose .. but that could be my auto immune illness .. and even if it was the tail end of another cold I've not been feeling as rough through it as I usually do. And certainly seemed to have recobered from the "6 day" bug .. it was more like 6 week than 6 day for me!!!!

Was nice at the hospital though. There's a guy I've met there who has emphysema and he's been in a nbad way while waiting to go into hospital .. spoke to his wife today and she tells me rgat he's a lot better now that he has a portible cannister of oxygen

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Off to bed now .. well, putting the kettle on and then off to bed once I've made me soup .. have done about 15 minutes or so meditation this evening .. ten minutes while dinner was cooking then five minutes later on. Did have thoughts drifting into my mind but then it's only the second day and it's going to take a while longer than that to be able to settle down into meditating with a quieter mind.

Meditation

http://www.meditationexpert.co.uk/

Right, off to put the kettle on now.

Monday

Went to bed much too late last night .. but slept well .. be better if I went earlier though .. and tried to combine it with dozing and ... meditation!!!! ..lol!!! Not today .. not yet .. but I certainly intend to do at least 10 minutes. Gordon Smith said to do about 15 minutes or so to start off with and that suits me ..lol!!! Though half an hour was nice once I'd got into it.

I still don't understand the woman who refuses to take any medication for her pain or to help her sleep. Well, if she took the pain meds I fuess she wouldn't need the sleeping pills. I've had nights where I can't sleep but it's not all the time and, from what she says, I doubr if she'd be up night after night like she is now.

I know quite a few older people who try to do without pain meds without doing themselves any harm .. they'll put up with quite high levels of pain .. but this woman is doing herself quite a bit of damage I should think .. guess it's some kind of phobia or something. Your immune system is weakened by lack of sleep .. maybe she's hoping that her lupus will improve if her immune system is weakened in this way .. who knows .. she says it's just so that she can avoid any damage the meds might do her. I can understand people who can get by ok not taking pain meds but this seems to be leaving one set of problems behind for another. She, like me, takes other heavy meds too, and I can understand her fears .. I don't think about it I must admit .. I know some of my meds are quite toxic as I've mentioned before .. but the auto immune illness can be difficult to treat and unfortunately I have a stubborn case and it hasn't responded that well to treatment .. though it could be worse.

I don'r want to try one of the other meds .. I thought it sounded too risky. I do know that it can take the ones I'm on a few years to really get the condition more or less under control too on the drugs I'm on .. so, who knows!! But it looks if the flu don't get me .. this is going to!!!!!!!!!! Either cause of the piles of very heavy duty meds I have to take .. or just through the illness itself.

Still, I'm walking much better than I was. Glad I put all the effort I did into that .. it's made a lot of difference.

Anyway .. guess we all make our own choices .. I'm going to carry on taking me meds .. guess she isn't.

Sunday

After finishing the bit on meditation I meditated for half an hour .. think the most I've done for years!!! Just clearing my mind .. think that will take a while .. so, if that's all I do from the book it's great. Hope I'll keep it going now .. might try another five or ten minutes before bed.

Right, better go and do me meds. I'm going to have to have another chat about pain relief. I think the bugs have made me a bit more tender ot something .. or I might need a change from the morphine for a while. Probably a bit of both .. mainly the latter though.

There is an irony in this in a way .. I believe in life after life so think there is a reason to continue through this .. lol!!! As far as I know everyone I've met who believes in life after life feels this way. Though, having said that .. I appear to be terminally ill and I know that, if the pain did get unbearable, and, I decided to go to one of these clinics, it would be almost the same in time relatively speaking .. so I think that I'd be fine with that. Just my beliefs again. Anyway, without modern meds I wouldn't be here at all now .. so I think, if the pain did get that bad I should be allowed to say enough is enough because it would be unlikely that things could get any better and I wouldn't have too long to go anyway!!!

You know I never did get to chase that doc up who said that nobody should be in enough pain to make them consider going to one of these clinics .. suppose I should start thinking about it.

From what people have told me I might have to consider mixing synthetic opiates in with my morphine for a while until my tolerance for the morphine decreases and they can start uping the dose again.

Very slowly decrease the morphine and putting something else in its place for a while until my tolerance decreases and then we start the whole procedure over again it seems.

I was discussing the woman who refuses to take ANY pain relief because she's afraid of what it'll do to her body with someone .. so she can stay awake for 3 days on the trot and just kind of dozes here and there when she does sleep. My friend said he thought that the damage she's doing by not sleeping probably outweighs what taking enough pain relief to at least let her sleep would do .. she won't take sleeping pills either. She has lupus .. another auto immune illness which they think can be caused by solar radiation. Maybe lack of sleep isn't letting her really think this through very clearly.

Me MST has taken the edge off the pain .. but it's bot as it was before .. sometimes I wonder if the day would be better with lots of oramorph rather than the MST and, just have oramorph in the evening .. but they have a 12 hour release formula .. so, how things are at the moment, it wouldn't be possible. There seemed to be a feeling that the MST was physically better for me than taking loads of oramorph anyway.

ght .. gonna start thinking about going to bed.

Friday

Had dinner .. so will put the kettle on and go and read some of my book .. done about a minute's meditation .. just taking the mind on a trial run. Perhaps "run" isn't quite the word for meditation though .. no chance of breaking any speed limits here.

Zzzzzzzzz


That's afterwards .. though it has happened during!!! At night just before sleep .. I've meditated myself to sleep.

Meditate .. meditate .. meditate .... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz snore, snort, snore, snort, SNOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRE .. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Might try tonight.

Friday

Will try and read some more tonight .. suppose I should try to do more meditation too .. it really is good for most people as a calming influence .. and, fortunately, I'm one of the people it works for.

Time to turn the computer off and do more than dose for a lot of the time .. though I am still very tired .. ten minutes is better than none.

The book has helped .. along with the swine flu .. to show me that I'm really not scared of dying anymore .. those few words I quoted from the book just relaxed me so much ..that my mind was almost floating. Not in an OBE type of way ... lol!!! .. guess I'm just gonna have to rely on the few friends I know who've had them for my experience of those. Same goes for NDEs .. don't want one of those really .. though once, when I wasn't far from death I can remember things being very relaxed when that wasn't the way you'd've expected it to be at all. But that certainly wasn't a NDE .. maybe a nearly near, near NDE or something. That's what I have to look back on as far as that goes. I mean mentally relaxed in a kind of floaty way and not concerned.

As for the flu I think people are hoping that the cases will be contained by antivirals and if there's a second outbreak in the winter that the worst of it will be contained by a vaccine. It's not discovering vaccines that takes a lot of time but manufacturing them .. unfortunately it's quite a slow process. Pity there isn't a way of being able to slightly modify vaccines as needed .. or knowing how effective one could be against another illness especially as far as bird flu goes. I remember the later being discussed when there were outbreaks of bird flu a little while ago. Could it provide a small protection that would be enough to help someone recover.

I guess it's something like this which brings out what people really believe on a spiritual basis. When it's far removed it's easoer to feel one way or another with out really thinking much about it .. or being that interested. For me .. well, basically the swine flu is always on my doorstep so to speak .. just that it's other illnesses which could get worse.

The arrival of the swine flu shocked me .. I think I said in one of my early blogs that it usually takes me about three days to adapt to change .. and so it was this time. Not all change .. but in general it takes me about three days to adapt.

Now I can sigh again .. I've found that my body is giving lots of little sighs of relief .. kinda relaxes the body.

Instant meditation .. I wish!!!

I guess I'll get out of it what I put in.

today

My mouth is getting better .. well, the ulcer's improvong .. without those alum crystals that I couldn't get .. guess they're some kind of antiseptic if they've taken them off the market now. Quite a few people seem to think that they were good.

Met a friend who'd just bought the Gordon Smith book .. I did read a bit last night before bed .. he's talking meditation now to calm the nervous system . I should really meditate more often .. don't really feel like doing it when I'm feeling very ill though .. which I suippose is all the time .. but sometimes things are worse than others. Not doing the EFT either .. but I am drinking the tea!!! lol!!! So, things aren't totally hopeless .. and dozing during the day.

Maybe the rest will follow.

Zzzzzz

Off to bed with my book and a mug of soup .. will read for about 20/30 mins I guess. lol!! Did mean to go earlier but got distracted .. but off now with mug of soup in one hand and book in the other.

And then to zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thursday

My mouth is a lot less painful today and I hope it stays that way for a while. It's sore anyway .. goes with the illness, but I had an ulcer or something develop on the soreness that was already there .. ouch!!! Give it a spray with my difflam spray today again though .. see if that helps. Back and breathing not the best though .. and tummy a bit on the move too .. but not too bad I guess in the circumstances.

I knew there had been a tiny amount of muscle movement over night again cause my left ankle was rather sore when I woke this morning and was kinda twitching. I slept through the night even though I'd dozed in the evening too .. guess I don't get that much choice in the matter .. though I am very tired at the moment.

Made myself go to bed last night even though I had been dozing and I knew this morning was going to be unpleasant if I slept for long .. but there u go .. if I sleep guess I need to .. just how things are at the moment. Didn't want my dinner last night either .. my mouth was so sore and I was tired .. but I ate it .. though it took quite a while .. if I hadn't guess I'd be feeling worse this morning.

Done a few exercises .. not easy .. but they should be done too .. and waiting for my tea to cool.

I am going to read my new book .. if nothing else it should be quite cosy .. a nice book to nestle down with. Had a bit of a peek at it last night .. and just reading a little bit made me feel kinda relaxed.

"This very first stage of the journey is all about you. It's about finding out if this path is really for you.

It is also about learning to be still, you will be changing - for the better. You'll be healing your mind, stripping away the the layers of feeling and fear that cloud your thoughts."

Well, I'll go with that .. think it's that bug that got to me for so long and feeling so tired that's really getting in the way.

Tuesday

Oh, boy, I've slept about four hours this evening .. dozed at the hospital too .. but fortunately, not with a mug of hot chocolate in my hands this time. Must have been exhausted. What to do now .. lol!!! Can I stay up most of the night!!!

Nah, I'll go to bed with me book soon as I've finished dinner. Soya again. Should really vary my diet a bit more .. I've no excuse really cause I can buy tins of cooked beans and tinned tomatoes and add spinnach to make nice, easy meals. If my diet has anything to do with my not getting infections it's probably more to do with the lack of hormones and antibiotics that are added to animal foodstuffs on the whole.

There's been quite a lot of controversy over eating soya .. especially if you're pregnant .. no one knows really .. there aren't problems in countries where a lot of soya is eaten .. but, having said that .. it does appear to help with the menopause .. I had no hot flushes or anything which could have been down to the soya in my diet .. it contains plant hormones that are thought to help.

Just making a cup of tea then I'll be off to bed. It would be better, in some ways, if I could sleep more, just sitting up, during the day. It's something to do with my illnesses ..we'll see what happens. It's not very nice for me first thing in the mornings after a long sleep and sometimes, even though I want to sleep, when I haven't, I've also felt a kind of relief. Maybe breaking up my sleep will be better.

Have to see. I know someone who gets by fine on 4 hours sleep in 24. I used to sleep about that for years .. though wasn't as good as her on it. I forget the sleep cycle .. but if she's ok on 4 hours sleep a night hopefully I'll be ok on two lots of 4 hours!!! Or one lot of 4 hours and plenty of dozing.

My muscles are trying to move at the moment which is quite painful. I gave my first real sigh, since the muscles froze up, the other day.

And, talking, about sighs, am over my sadness .. as far as myself goes .. about the flu that's here. I'm not complacent about it at all though, not yet. Hopefully it will be mild and then stay away til a workable vaccine's stockpiled which will at least make the symptoms milder for people with lots of anti virals around too. Not worried for myself though .. that was just a bit of a shocked reaction to the news for a couple of days. Would prefer to cruise through it ... lol .. but I don't think that's gonna happen cause of me other problems.

Right, tea then bed .. to zzzzzzz again.

.......................

Just drinking my herbal infusion. No point me drinking a tea which boosts the immune system .. not sure how effective echinacea is .. but someone else I know with an illness that has to be treated like mine was told not to use the herb. Anyway, strange though it may seem, with the flu it's better to go for herbs that might produce a slight anti viral effect than ones that boost the immune system.



Wonder if grinding and soaking liquorice sweeties would make a nice tea .. real liquorice not ones flavoured with aniseed. Haven't any idea if it's helping my auto innume illness at all .. that's not going to suddenly happen over night I wouldn't think if it helps at all .. but as it's apparently helped with lupus might as well give it a go ... in small quantities.



Should've told someone about that last night .. but forgot. Will do though as she knows someone with lupus. Anything's worth a try and, for me, conventional medicine has only worked to a degree and it's come with a price. Having said that though I wouldn't be here without it but if there's something in complementary medicine that could well help too might as well go for it. Remember I was going to try something I discovered on the net a year or so back .. didn't in the end .. it was very pricey .. seemed rather suspiscious as it had lots of different sites to sell herbs for different illnesses rather than just one as a company site and the remedies seemed rather similar and the medicine for my illness contained echinacea which I'd been told by someone in the medical profession not to take anyway.



If I get very ill with the flu it'll probably be because I get pneumonia .. a bacterial infection. The best way for everyone who gets the virus is to get the anti viral meds.

The best way to stop picking up a cold is to wash your hands and if you sneeze to use a tissue and then throw the tissue away. I sometimes used to rub my hands together after I'd got rid of the tissue cause I thought it might damage any viral partucles I had on my hands I'd got from handling the tissue or you can use some sanitizing gel.

The government here don't seem to reckon much on masks to help .. though health care workers use a stronger but similar kind. It just seems a better idea to wear one than not I'd've thought.

Anyway .. drunk me tea .. need to take me next lot of meds .. have me lunch .. a protein drink .. and take some rubbish down to the bins.

Monday

Really the government should have stockpiled antiviral drugs. It's really not that great that the government have dismissed it saying that they think that only a certain percentage of the country will contract the virus and that there should be enough of the medication to deal with this outbreak. It's sad that profit comes before lives in situations like this. Have you ever felt more like just a number.

I suppose there really should be a base where there's enough to treat everyone in the country and then an addition of a few million more.

I didn't feel much like getting up this morning .. I was tired and in pain .. though having said that me body seemed to be working better than it has for the last month since I caught that "6 day" bug .. but I just felt lousy .. not particularly nauseous though which makes a change too.

Anyway .. taken me pills and I'll go and get breakfast.

sunday

I'm tired .. but I went to bed too late last night .. tonight I'll try and get that sorted again .. otherwise I still feel reasonable .. for me that is .. which isn't good .. but better than before. I still feel as if a few days sleep would be very nice!!!!!!!!!

Sheeesh .. dunno about the majority of people but I'm glad the government are preparing for a panademic. I somehow suspect that those yelling media hype would be the same yelling that the government aren't doing enough if they were saying business as usual.

It also means that the WHO should be ignored too. But, hey, why not. It's a new strain of the virus that has affected people badly and statistics are different from the usual flu statistics .. who knows what the situation would be now without anti viral drugs and masks and containment.

I'm glad that the world has reacted the way it has .. would've preferred the government to be totally ready for a possible panademic .. enough anti viral drugs ready and masks.

During the time people were worrying about the bird flu I remember it being discussed that there should be emergency manufacturing of anti viral meds andI'm sure that the government was meant to be ordering in tons of masks.

Anyway, this bug seems to be reacting well to anti viral drugs.

The Independent's front page yesterday was something about people saying that this flu outbreak had been over hyped by the media. I'm just very glad that the WHO and governments are acting as if there is a panademic round the corner .. it looks like it's those precautions that have slowed the outbreak down and saved lives so far.

Saturday

Found out someone I know is in quite a lot of pain today .. can't tell how much obviously .. but she did wince so I reckon it's quite bad ..she's only taking paracetamol so I said to go back to the doc and have a chat. It will be sorted out eventually .. though not for some time. Guess she could be put on anti inflamatory meds.

Certainly changed her outlook on life. She's a couple of other problems too .. all come as a shock. Said it's a bit like the swine flu thing. She now understands about the pain I'm in .. don't think she had any idea at all before.

Well, yeah.

The pain has been much the same but in other ways I woke up this morning feeling a bit better. Don't know if it's to do with me liquorice tea. I'm only having one cup of that a day as I said though I like the stuff very much. Seems that liquorice can raise your blood pressure .. though me ginger should lower it again. Ginger can lower blood pressure as well as stop nausea . I've read that up to 3 cups of liquorice tea a day is best but I'm sticking to me one I think!!!! Ever cautious. I would be off to the docs if it was more than one .. will tell him next week anyway.

This is quite an interesting site

http://www.mothernature.com/Library/Bookshelf/Books/41/65.cfm

Doesn't mention ginger but I've read there've been tests that have shown chemicals in ginger to help too.

I'd use herbs as a help not as a medicine though .. and would carry on taking me pills unless my doc said it was ok to stop. And definitely not the other way round.

Anyway .. soup now then bed.

............................

Ha ha ha ha ha .... one of E's other profiles has been discovered .. oh well .. look's like she's had her marriage annulled .. but wait they have a daughter!!!!!

Well he'll be surprized to know they have three children and a number of grandkids and another on the way .. up to a few weeks ago they just had a 40 year old daughter and a doggie.

You know I wouldn't mind a bit if she wasn't a scam artist .. she could have 15 grandkids one week and a bison and giraffe the next and it wouldn't worry me .. well, it would if it was the truth .. but you know what I mean.

Life is tough ... etc .. etc!!! But she's trying to scam people who have no protection. The woman I mentioned thinks she has but she doesn't. It's sad cause sometimes I feel a bit pissed off with her but I know it's not her fault .. her memory really is starting to go badly. It's a total mystery how she keeps working .. I'm sure she's telling the truth .. but surely she can't work for much longer.

I lnow nothing about what she used to be like before all this started happening so I can only go on what's happening now. Now is going to be very problematic soon. It's been getting noticeably worse over the last few months .. the last couple of weeks have been very bad.

This evening has been bad though .. and if she doesn't watch out she's going to get in trouble on the site too. But .. she can't watch out so what d'ya do.

I think the best thing to do is to pull back .. a lot .. well, keep the subject on everyday matters .. anything else will soon be little short of an argument most of the time .. I can see it slowly starting to turn that way.

So .. that is what I'm gonna do. Her daughter and work will obviously be the ones she needs to get this sorted.

Very sad. I can see why E targetted these people .

I am moving on a bit though .. I know other people who don't have problems like this .. I won't leave them .. but neither am I going to spend so much time with them anymore. I stopped the E thing but I'm not spending the rest of my time there nursemaiding them. I think it's going to get very difficult with them soon anyway. Maybe I should tell the guvs the whole story .. see what they come up with .. after all this could lead to some very bad publicity for their site.

I'll have a chat with other people about it It's really thrown me. Maybe they'll both get so feisty and tempermental that other people will keep their distance anyway

...........

I had a couple of days sadness amd very slight panic at the thought of this flu. I don't reallywant to die from the flu .. thought it'd be from the auto immune illness or the effects of the medication .. the medication has caused a lot of problems ... me muscle and bone probs for a start and there are others.


But I am kinda coming round .. the fear and sadness is wearing off for myself .. it is a horrible thing though. My brother accepts it .. surprizingly because of spirit .. he's had a couple of OBEs as I've mentioned before so he knows that the consciousness can appear to leave the body .. didn't like them but that's different from having had the experience. I am surprized by how he seems to think now though, Most of my other friends seem to've been a bit like me .. a few days sadness then coming to terms with it all and thinking about it away from the sadness and panic. Ofcourse there's the sadness of being parted from loved ones if anyone does pass over but that's different from the other fear.

I was wondering how Gordon Smith was thinking about it .. if he's for real I expect he'll be rather like me .. if not .. well, who knows. Must read his book .. I've read a number before and, on the whole, don't expect this to be all that much different. Wonder if he'll mention this town in it again .. he has in two of them. I remember the pleasure of picking a couple of his books up cheaply at The Works.

Guess I really need to catch up on my sleep after going all those 24/48 hours stints without sleeping at all .. well, if I can. Just taken my evening pain relief so I should be in bed by 12 I've dozed a bit today again so resting's ok .. but I do need to have turned in by midnight,

Tomorrow I expect I'll have taken the news in and be back to my own self as usual as far as the life after life thing goes. Will be sad in general .. but hopefully people will be ok. Shame that governments weren't ready. They were talking about getting the face masks ready years ago .. guess it got back shelved. As for getting the anti viral drugs back into production .. they are at the expense of winter flu jabs I think and it's fortunate that one chemical doesn't take a year to develop anymore.

E has been totally caught out now .. well, we already had the info but she hadn't done it publically .. the woman I mentioned before found it ..lol!!! So just as well she carried on her detective work. Her memory is going to pot though and I do suspect, in the evenings, that it's helped on by a glass or two of wine. It's quite possible that she thinks it's helping her .. opening the blood vessels .. but it is making it very obvious. Very sad.

Through what she found I also discovered more news about my old friend .. the alcoholic that my brother thought might be starting to suffer from early onset wet brain .. she spends most of her day in bed now .. just gets up when the kids come home from school. Very sad .. was wondering whether to get back in touch with her .. but guess it's not a good idea really .. did leave me with a bit of a dilemma .. but think it's best to leave it .. she did sound ok .. but to be honest that doesn't mean anything. Guess she could hold things together for a little while and I don't want to get involved with any more games at the moment .. she has kids .. the kids need help too .. especially the oldest one last time I heard but she could generally hold things together outside the house then change indoors so it wasn't going to happen.

Suppose I have to just walk away .. tried to help but it was impossible in the end because of the games she was playing with everyone. Because of the booze I guess. Was sad though.

Anyway going to put dinner on now .. oven must have heated up.

...........................

Well, she's in much better form this afternoon .. so U guess we can say it could be partially down to a glass or two of wine in the evenings and then not feeling too well ijn the mornings sometimes. I've noticed that saturday and sunday mornings are really bad. A couple of nights afo she'd forgotten what her meds were for .. well, except the antidepressants which she remembered cause the other woman .. other sis .. takes them too. She only takes 4 kinds of pills .. and this kind of forgetfulness is happening a lot now. Lucky she had emails to back up what she was saying before really.

I did talk to her about it this time .. I know .. sigh .. but hopefully it'll help if this new woman turns out to be another E or something along those lines.

I'm getting really fed up with it all to be honest and just wish they'd go to the guvnors .. even if they didn't ban E they'd keep an eye on her.

All she needs to do with the new woman is be guarded in what she says.

Anyway .. she's back.

I guess if you are starting to lose your memory a couple of glasses of wine could make it quite a bit worse.

See how things go. She's enjoying the Sherlocking though. Not quite the point maybe .. really catching E out and telling the guvnors is the point .. still, at least she's understood about this new woman now and the need to be careful.

.....

Oh dear .. another of my friends has just started learning another language .. and she's older than me .. I have no excuse really .. huh. Will start today.

Have had enough of the long drawn out saga on the gaming site .. E is followed because people want to protect others .. not because they find it fun etc .. it's just using my precious time up. I think that will stop as soon as I stop showing any interest in it to her .. probably she'll get a bit huffy but I don't care.

More time to read me book and get on with me exercises, meditation etc.

She might get into it all with this new lady .. E is hanging round her too .. and this other woman, the one E targetted before could end up getting very hurt. Something has obviously happened and I'm hoping that it's the other way round from what it looks like at the moment.

It took so long to get the other sorted out and then .. almost straight after .. well, it's not totally sorted yet .. though someone has contacted me and I'll see what I can do from there .. she puts herself at risk again just totally dismissing what's known.

If I didn't know .. I'd think she was E in another guise .. but, infortunately I think she's just becoming ill. So no more talking to her about E and just staying on the sidelines about this other woman.

Hopefully it'll be ok.

Friday

I am really stuck about what to do. I didn't mind sort of helping out the first time but I don't think I'm gonna get very involved with this latest development. I'll watch but am not going to be talking much about it or about E with this woman. To be honest, I think she's losing her memory .. quickly .. but I'm not sure. She has told someone she's a bit of a wine buff and maybe she's buffing a bit on line because I really don't see how she could hold down a job and drive a lot in this condition. It doesn't make sense as she's presenting it.

I did wonder if she was E in another guise for a moment .. but I don't think so .. think she's someone who is just about to tip over into recognisable signs of dementia .. but having said that .. it's difficult to see how what happened last night could've happened if she can hold down quite a responsible job.

It has to be the old vino I guess.

The site has 100s of thousands of members and I've found myself in a few dramas .. life being life .. but most time the people can cope and get through it .. to a degree anyway .. but I just think here it's going to be one thing after another. Will leave her to it and just stand on the side lines incase anything goes very wrong again.

There's a chance that the other person who makes it seem that this other person hurt her has problems .. it's another very strange scenario considering the people involved .. but surely you'd think, after the trouble with E, she'd be at least a bit careful .. but, no .. and they've only known each other a couple of days .. but there u go.

I'll just stand on the sidelines .. something is wrong though .. it might just be a touch of the ol' vino .. a case where the saying in vino veritas certainly isn't true in one way .. but might be in another .. there's not much reality in what she's saying .. but that might be showing that she's becoming quite ill.

I will just stand on the sidelines .. no point getting caight up in it all .. but if she needs help in this latest scenario someone's there quickly.

As for the swine flu .. maybe I won't develop it or maybe I'll be ok with anti viral and bacterial drugs .. who knows. Wouldn't've been six months ago .. would've just vomitted up my insides I guess .. but having said that .. through all this I've only developed one bacterial infection .. and that's what usually kills people with the auto immune illness I have .. well, if that .. I was put on anti biotics straight away cause I was on such a state .. vomitting and with a temperature and sweating, swollen and spasming a lot .. but, usually I haven't been and I've just had to wait for the spasms and internal bleeding to stop after the sneezing has started it all off. None of my sores have ever become infected.

Maybe it's down to all the soya I eat or something .. maybe it has antibacterial properties like garlic!!!! I really don't know.

There have been some crappy viruses round here recently though .. someone I know told me that a nurse was off for three weeks after getting a cold that went to her chest. And they do seem to have been nastier than the ones at the beginning of the year ..well, the ones I've caught have been, surprizingly.

Still going to sleep rather than reading .. still tired .. but am dozing in the day and sleeping ay night now .. better than being awake all night .. sometimes 48 hours on the trot. I know someone else who's often awake for 2 days in a row .. she refuses to take any pain meds cause she says they do too much harm to her body .. but I can't really see that not sleeping to the exent she isn't is doing her much good either.

Gonna get something to eat now.