Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Turning in .... now!!!

Really.

lol

Nah, I know I've got to do this. I'm forever being told off about it .. and I mean to .. but I think I'll just have a look there .. or send a surprize message or two .. or .. three ... or .................

Sticks head in book or magazine .. or both .. almost simultaneously.

It must be almost bedtime!!!!!!!!!

lol!!!!!

Anyway, I'm off now ... I should turn in before midnight .. with the lights out.

And I will.

Or, will try to .. I have 15 minutes to go .. have taken me meds .. am ready for bed ..

so, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

.....

And .. tomorrow .. I will start sorting again .. left it today causeI wasn't feeling that great .. my back has been bad and breathing not too good. Been quite a lot of pain but I guess I have to go along with it and do what I can do. Will tidy up this evening .. which'll take about five mins.

I have Focus and New Scientist and a book I bought from Oxfam afew wees bac to read or at least skim through .. the books called something like Ten great scientific arguments .. lol! Well, without the lol !! on the end. Sounds a good read .. and I'll probably be taking it back with me so that others can have read too if I enjoy reading it .. I think it's been earmarked really. Should be a good way to pass a few hours in reading and conversation .. hopefully it'll be entertaining. I haven't actually read any of it yet .. just picked it up and thought I'll read that without browsing through first.

Sounds good though. Also got a biography of Jimi Hendrix to read .. don't usually read auto/biographies but thought this might take me back to the 60s .. sad though the ending of the book'll be.

Right, that's me night sorted out then.

--

And ... I have a pack of porridge!!!! lol!!!

Decided to try to start cooking again .. porridge for breakfast in the near future. A fortesip for dinner and then veggies and something for tea .. even if it's just picking at raw stuff or having a tin of veggies .. carrots or something. Actually, guess I'd be happy to live off fortesips really.


I have a saucepan .. non stick from Woolies .. a bowl from the League of Friends shop in the hospital and a spoon to stir it with .. again from Woolies.

I would live off fortesips .. they don't cause any problems .. but, then, neither will porridge. I could happily live off that too .. I'm going to make it with soya milk and start going back to being a vegan. Eventually I'll exchange the fortesips for the soya powder you can get in Holland and Barretts.

I get the fortesips on prescription so I know they're quite important at the moment to get loads of protein down me. But, hopefully, eventually the soya ones will be ok .. it's not so much the difference in them .. but it'll be a bit of a shock to my body having to change back again and it's got enough to cope with right now.

Right, I'll be on the net for another half an hour or so .. an hour at the most .. messaging etc and then I'll go back to reading, writing, drawing etc .. which ever eh. Think it'll probably be a bit of note taking and reading. Off the net. I think it might be a good idea to wind down before bed in that way.

Will listen to some of the nice music/sounds I've found on the net before turning in too. It's amzing what music can do. That article on music and strokes .. a while back I know but things like that stick in my mind .. was fascinating.

I do listen to a bit of rock music .. was making my own radio playlist this morning .. will have to start again though and was listening to Hendrix. Don't imagine that just a bit of rock is going to have me wilting.

Hope not anyway. Thinking of the plant experiment there.

....

Went yeterday evening .. got there for the last quarter of an hour or so and a cup of tea and a chat. Took the book for the lady . luckily it wasn't the one she had. It'd only been £2.99 from The Works .. must have been one of the last of the pile then .. they were three for a tenner to start off with .. then the last few went for a bit less. Can't remember if it's one of the ones that mentions Leamington in it .. two of them do .. one as Leamington .. one as a town in the West Midlands. She'll share it with other people.

There was a book I'd've liked to have read there last night but someone wanted it for her mum who's in hospital .. so I'm glad I didn't get there first to buy it .. too busy chatting. It's a book published in the 1920s and reasonably well known so it's possible it's on the net anyway.

Potters off to have a look .. yes, it is .. seems there are two volumes and they are both there. I've downloaded them and'll flip through them some time or other.

My back has been very painful at times over the weekend .. started Thurday night , was ok on Friday .. then I had trouble both on Saturday and Sunday evenings while out. Feels as if the muscles have moved slightly as my breathing has been difficult along with the pain. Not easy.

Fell asleep with the light on last night .. and then slept through the night. Never mind though .. it was just for one night .. not something I want to make a practice of though. It's not a good idea. Dunno if using melatonin supplements would make up for keeping the light on when you're sleeping.

The guy who I saw had just been presented with a life time's achievement award. He's not well and I'm told is tired and in pain. I was interested to see that around 600 people had turned out to see him a little way from here. I thought it was bit pricey here .. it's not him who sets the price and I doubt if he gets much from it .. not all that much more than expenses really thinking of the number of people that were there. I don't know .. maybe if there was more talking among everyone more people would come and the tickets could be cheaper. He didn'y stay that long .. was very funny for the main part though. Apparently he's usually very good .. but he did come over as very tired this Saturday.

I got there on time cause I was aiming for 6.30 when it was 7.30 so had time to think I'd mislaid something when I hadn't .. underneath the pain leaflet it seems .. must have swept it to the side of the bag when I was pushing the leaflet back. Get driven back .. then .. back again .. and still be in time.

There were people there that I hadn't seen before.

I've never seen the woman who was there with Dave on the first time I paid an entrance fee .. £2.50 I think it was!!! lol!!! That was very good. Just before I went into hospital. I'll have to ask him who she is because I've never seen her again. And no-one seems able to place her so she must have just come in from somewhere rather than being a regular. The person who was meant to be talking that night couldn't make it and she was there instead.

I realised that I often used to walk past their place in one place.. not that I'm going to have to go that far!!! I hadn't counted it in being surrounded when I'd looked it up before. It gets more and more interesting. I guess people will know each other from all around. I wish my walking was a bit better .. but .. mustn't grumble as they say .. it's a lot better than I could have hoped for a few months ago. But, then, I've worked very hard.

I don't think I need to turn the computer off a while before bedtime .. but I will turn the light off before resting if I go to read or write before sleeping. I believe lack of melatonin can lead to cancer too. I've nown a few people with skin cancer/facial cancer .. if I go down that route well so be it .. but I think I have enough with what I've got .. so will be careful .. but if that's how it turns out .. so be it .. I'm sure I'll be ok.

I was reading something the other day .. shame I can't remember where .. but I was just skiming rather than reading through carefully .. and the % of people on medication by the time they're 60 was quite staggering. Wish I could remember where it was but I was looking through a whole load of stuff after a friend had become ill .. hopefully just a temporary thing in her case .. but not nice for the six or so weeks that it usually takes to sort itself out .. with the help of meds ofcourse. It's not everyone by any means but I was surprized by the statistics. I'd thought for a while that I might get some form of sun related illness as I aged .. lupus or skin cancer. Hadn't heard of this one so it came as surprize.

Anyway .. get the pills down. Try and turn in earlier too. And .. light's off.

Sunday

I'm still tired .. still a bit sniffly too. Not too bad though I guess. Sunday's always off to a slow start causeI take the bone sparing pill when I get up.

Did have quite a good nights sleep last night. Went to sleep late but had about seven hours sleep. That's not too bad.

Will do the pills tomorrow I think. That's sorting them all out and putting them in the box. Am a bit sleepy today. Might start though.

Will go and get the book out of my bags to give to the lady too. She was very kind to me last night. She's now looking after one of my little fluffies .. rescued from a charity shop a little while ago. Think that one might've come from The League of Friends shop in the hospital. Think the adoption fee was around 30p then .. think the prices have gone up a little now though.

Going to have a Fortesip for lunch .. 300 cals and 20 or so grams of protein and vitamins and minerals.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Did go this evening .. though it was a bit of a rush. I'd left the "pill box" I'd bought from Rymans at Tesco so had to go back for that. Looks rather big for a pill box but it has to hold a months worth of meds .. though not the Oramorph and Fortesips. Then I'm keeping a few in another box to take in with me to the hospital if I have to go again. It happens about every month or two so there's no worry about them going out of date .. though I might write the use by dates down for the pills I put in it .. though that's probably being a bit too hopeful. Will get that sorted out tomorrow. It was what I was going to do today but I was a rather tired this morning and a bit swollen up so decided to rest through most of the day. Went out about five.

Guess the box I got today is more of a pill chest than a pill box. The other one'll be much smaller.

Enjoyed the evening .. the guy that was the guest was very funny. Made me curl up. Seems he's off to hospital soon for an op .. can only wish him the best of luck. You could tell that he was very tired. Ha to have a lift back before it all started cause I thought I'd left something behind but then found it nestling under my pain relief booklet and made friends with my lift giver. Little pressies were exchange by the end of the evening and I'm giving her the last of me books tomorrow.

I was lucky to get there at all but I met someone on Friday and went off for a hot chocolate with her and she reminded me. Still a bit whoozy from the trip to hospital I think. I know I was out quicker this time .. but the being very ill part was very bad this time. Well, it always is but it's taken longer to get over this time regardless of me being able to pop over to Tesco the first evening back. I'm pretty sure that it was the chest infection bug I'd caught and with the sickness and spasms and swelling along with the constriction and the auto immune illness it got pretty bad.

I suppose you have to accept that there are going to be factions everywhere .. and there are. There are very strict rules in the national group .. here it is quite relaxed but people still have their different approches to how things should be done. There is at least one break away group that I know of in the country and possibly more. I know that there are lots of different ideas within the movement. It's good that people do bring different ideas and viewpoints to be thought about and talked over.

I don't belong to any religion though tend to fall into the Wiccan creed here .. Do as you want be all the law be that it hurt none. It stops there though cause I don't believe in karma .. after all little babies can be born with painful conditions and as I don't believe in reincarnation can't feel that it comes from a previous life.

I believe in life after life now .. and believe in most of the principles of the group like taking personal responsibility.

And .. now, I must go to sleep.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

...........

What might help is that I've found a nice small board that has something about obes on it .. not that many members and not that busy .. but where people who are obviously posting things that seem unplausible are just ignored rather than taking up pages and pages of space like Angelfire did on the bag. I remember her from her Angelfire incarnation .. lol .. and liked her then .. long before anyone realised she was trolling the board. Apparently she got a bit iffy when she was rumbled. I wasn't around for that and really couldn't be bothered to search back .. I know that trolls usually do though so I wouldn't be too surprized. But I can't imagine her being too bad .. it's just the multiple ids and the endless "problems"

Surely she must have enough going on in her life to be able to be an active message board member without having to make anything up. There are enough forums to join in with.

Pity they don't just give her a temporary ban and then have her back .. she's like part of the furniture after all these years.

But .. anyway .. this little board seems fine to read through for information. I belong to another, very much bigger board .. which has meant me bag days have to be over .. there's no time. I think I may have discovered a troll .. though I'm not 100% sure. Just someone sticking a photo up and I've searched and searched and can't find this photo on the net. He hasn't stuck a link up either even though someone thought it'd been photoshopped. Not many people have joined in the thread though it could have had its moments is it was for real. It's just a strange sign post. I dunno.

Will stay with the bigger board as well though .. it's interesting and covers loads of things .. bit like the bag really.

Anyway .. off to bed .. doc tomorrow.

Now zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Off to bed soon .. I'm pleased I met me friend this evening .. next time I'll see about exchanging numbers or something so that we can keep in touch when I leave. It's been cool seeing each other and going for a cuppa and a chat .. not possible once I've gone though!!!!!!

Guess we'll kind of miss each other I guess but she's got a lovely close friend here and family. She believes in something like soul groups and maybe that's it. I'm not quite sure how that fits in with Buddhism .. but then each path can give you something to think about. She's not actually a Buddhist per se but can relate to a lot of it .. just like I used to be when I thought of myself as a sort of Buddhist.

If there are soul groups then I'm very happy to be with her. I think soul groups are people who are thought to have been together in previous lives and get drawn back to each other.

Lady says I help her think things through and put things in perspective .. but really I'm just telling her what she' telling me a lot of the time but in different words .. it's like cutting a path through the woods clearing away all the unnecessary trees.

I don't find that I have any reason to believe in re-incarnation .. except some stories that I've read about very, very, very young children having knowledge that they shouldn't possibly know. And a family story someone somewhere in this region told me. Long time ago .. but it's stuck reasonably well in my head even through all the illness.

I have an open mind about reincarnation .. but, so far, nothing in my life has given me any reason to believe in it and there could be other reasons other than reincarnation to explain the stories .. you wouldn't necessarily have had to be here before to know. Still, don't feel anything has tipped the balance one way or another about it.

I will carry on talking to people though .. but first and foremost I should start on a boo for myself of my own experiences and about thoose of others. I only have one that I don't believe .. and that is something my drunk exfriend told me .. though I'm not discounting that she might have told me the truth .. she was very factual with me for some reason or other .. but the circumstances have to mae me hold back from that one.

(She's back .. we're not in touch .. not our little group. I know why she's back .. though ofcourse she's been contradicting herself all over the place upon landing .. if u no wot I mean .. no .. that's not wot u said before. She appears to be back to pick up some gossip in a very sad situation .. the facts were kept in a very small group .. and she wanted to know .. but, even there, she said something that was very obnoxious considering the situation.)

Whereas .. life after life .. for me .. the balance has been tipped firmly towards the side of it existing and that's without NDEs and OBEs .. though I would like to experience an OBE. Perhaps when I'm a bit better .. if that happens .. I'll look into it a bit more seriously. But would prefer it to be through music and things like that than sleep paralysis.

See what I make of it.

Just a path of exploration .. maybe .. one day .. if I'm ever well enough. I do wonder though if time isn't always consistant in differing states of being .. or, sometimes it isn't. Just things that people have said and that I've read have got me wondering.

Guess it's more complicated than that though .. probably involves things that we might not have the physical capacity to understand.

Who knows.

Now zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

coffee time

Back out for a cup of coffee .. neat timing too cause I guess I'd've missed her if I hadn't had to go back to the flat first as I'd just popped into Tesco to see if New Scientist was out .. because it hadn't been earlier on somewhere .. it was so I went back to the flat to come back and buy it.

The little neurons were doing the neuron dance around the brain .. could go down to the library to read or leave buying it til tomorrow or have it as bed time reading tonight. I decided to potter back.

She tapped me on the shoulder again!!!!

Coffee time. Always insists on buying me a coffee now. I've said it's my turn next time. The Gordon Smith book was one of the three for £10. I don't know how much a McDonald's coffee costs but I know she's spent more than three or so quid. She says that she invites me so .......................................

Anyway .. will sort out the bags tomorrow .. suppose I could do a spot of packing this evening but don't really feel like it .. though it'd only be putting a few books into bags.

Tomorrow ... huh!!!!

Thursday

Up .. fed and medicated. Got a bit more done today .. so it's coming along .. surprizingly really I guess.

I suppose that I must be the best I've been for a long time regardless of my last stay in hospital .. which felt like the worst for the first 24 hours or so.

There you go. A few weeks ago I don't think I'd've found it easy to believe if someone had told me I'd be able to do what I can now. OK .. it's only packing things up and carrying a few bags up and down stairs .. and sometimes I am a bit short of breath on the way back up again .. but I can do it.

I'm hungry at the moment too .. but that might have quite a bit to do with hardly eating for a few days .. couldn't .. then it wouldn't stay down .. then I didn't really feel like it. The Fortisips have been good once I could keep them down. It's not that long since I had to stop at Waterstones etc everytime I went out and resting taking the rubbish down. But .. it seems to be getting easier .. wasn't sure if I would manage .. but I've got this far.

It is amazing really. Though it's taken a lot of hard work and, at times, gritted teeth. See how it goes from here.

I think the hospital visits will probably go on for quite a while .. until my muscles have improved a bit more. The compression there is too much for it to be any other way I guess. But, I did last out four days this time and more sneezes than usual. But .. then, it was really bad. But, maybe that was due to the nature of the bug too if I had the one that was causing chest infections.

Didn't feel at all well this morning and me left side was giving me more jip than usual but it was just more muscle movement. I used to think that I wished if it was going to improve that it would all happen very quickly .. more or less at once .. now, I'm not so sure that it would have been such a good thing.

Anyway .. last night's rubbish down this afternoon .. and pack a few more books again. Not much .. but just slowly getting it sorted.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Pottered over with me bit of info. It was a lovely evening to be out .. one with a lot of ambience ... dunno what this means for the weather tomorrow but it felt nice tonight. I'd left a scrap of paper behind so I had to go back and collect it but I didn't mind at all. Well, it was only a few minutes walk and there was that kind of slightly electric stillness that's so relaxing when night falls.

I've just sighed thinking about it. lol!!!

Anyway, I hope it will be of some help, but only time will tell. I've said if she has any more questions to ask me and I'll ask my brother.

Went out toSainsburys this morning .. didn't go to the Wednesday meeting .. too tired really and I just wanted a rest rather than pottering more or less straight back out again.

Walking has been a bit of a mixture today .. reasonable this morning but a little tricky again this evening .. though the feel of the evening made up for that a bit. I was walking a bit better by the time I was on my second trip back. Bit breathless on my other journeys and the pain was breaking through rather but was better on the walk back.

It's hard to believe how ill I was last Tuesday now. I think it was the worst of my emergency trips into hospital. The pain was very bad and I was sweating, drooling and vomiting rather a lot. The pain during these episodes is more or less beyond description .. and it more or less knocks out my speech .. which is why I need to sort out a hospital bad with a note in it .. maybe things I can just nod yes or no to. A list of my medicines plus a few of each type and a few other odds and ends.

Anyway off to bed now .. I'm going to sort my meds out in the morning .. that's tomorrow's job. I have a couple of lightish bags to take down to the rubbish as well and might pack just afew boos away.

I did do a little today .. but, not much.

Anyway ... time fer bed now.


Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Up .. then back t' bed

I'll be back off to bed soon .. just taking a drop more Oramorph.

I've been thinking .. I will start making notes and then make a book for myself. It'll only be a few pages long if I don't illustrate it .. maybe time has passed to do things like that .. I don't know. I'd like to make illustrated ones .. they're kind of more user friendly aren't they. Like some of those Victorian nature journals.

And there'll be more people to talk to .. it's not so easy over the net really .. not to ask indepth questions about such personal things. Generally I just let people talk and don't ask any questions .. and they've done the same.

I wish that I'd written everything down .. but it's too late for that now .. developing the illnesses, while not exactly making me forgetful .. has pushed some thingsto the back of my mind and I might have to forrage a bit to start really thining about them again .. I think some, just after mum's passing, will have gone for good. That actually is a bit of a blurr now as far as things like that go .. my mind was focused on other things rather unsurprizingly. Though, at the time, I did notice.

Still ... too late now.

I was advised to get in touch with some people who approach things like this from a scientific viewpoint .. and I might once I'm back in town. If they want to talk to me ... I'm not quite sure what exactly it is that they're looking for. I might talk to the lady again. It would be good to have some indepth discussions and to hear more about other people's experiences discussed in an environment like that.

There are a number of places to approach.

Just net wise .. it's interesting to board hop and read about people's experiences .. some are truly very, very interesting. Mine tend to be rather low key .. no doubles lying on beds for me. Or warnings or predictions or anything like that.

I think I've been lucky in some ways that I don't drink etc or things might have got lost along the way .. because you lose your"certainty" to some extent .. it's harder to be sure. Like that professor said .. he was sure he hadn't been drinking that night .. if he had it would have been harder to be sure the next morning.

On one of my boards they have nurses stories .. posted there long before I turned up. It's a shame people don't feel able to talk more .. but then, in other ways, because they don't and then confide in someone who's been there themselves, you can be more sure about what you're hearing.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Done me sorting out for today. Mainly sorting out the fridge and rubbish cause of my days in hospital. Went in on one of the days I usually do that so was left with rather a lot to do. Anyway did it complete with bottle of antibacterial spray.

Think it was quite a good work out for those pesky muscles of mine. Not that easy though. It kinda woke me up ... but I'm rather tired now it's done.

Phoned me brother up and got the info .. it was actually really interesting what he had to say .. and could really be of some use .... let's hope so. I'll get it all written out tomorrow morning. Had certainly helped him. We'll see how things go here too.

Blimey .. you just never know .. do ya.

We'd only talked about it briefly before so I didn't know that it was more involved than just a change of medication. Maybe this guy already knows .. maybe not. We shall see.

He still hasn't been out on our winning ticket from the hospital radio .. but it's in the pipeline now. I couldn't really go .. a cup of cocoa is more or less my limit these days isn't it. I couldn't eat hardly for the few days I was in hospital .. though I have eaten more over the last two days because I've been working my way through the Fortesips .. doesn't take long to drink one of those and you've got ur 20 or so grams of protein. I have the Fortesips extra rather than the ones with less protein in them .. though they were all they had when I first started being prescribed them. I'm trying to eat more along with them too because of going all that time without food .. I couldn't keep food down. I was lucky with the pills and even in mid vomit right after taking them one morning only brought one of the handful I'd just taken up. The rest stayed firmly in me tum!!!! lol!! I expect they knew better than to come up .. they'd've gone straight back down again (I hope). One was ok .. the lot .. no.

Actually I don't know what would've happened but I guess I would have had an anti-sickness injection rather than pill .. waited a while .. and tried again.

I'm not well enough to have gone out for a meal though .. and wouldn't've been able to eat much. Suppose I could have taken a bottle of Fortesip with me fer my lunch. After all that's a gift from the hospital in some ways.

Anyway .. think I'll turn in on time tonight .. haven't dozed off this evening .. though I am tired. Last night I was listening to some sounds meant to help u have an out of the body experience .. I fell asleep and if I did have one .. know nothing about it. lol!!

Anyway, it was obviously very relaxing.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

....

I was thinking too .. as I have quite a bit since the NDE hospital trials started .. will be following those with interest .. though I wonder, as with some other aspects of scientific research that the answers will be kept from us.

I gave my book on coincidences away a couple of weeks ago .. and thanks so much to the person who gave that to the Oxfam Bookshop .. it was brilliant. I loved the bit on the molecules that would change while scientists were still contemplating doing things!!!

Secrets ... huh!!!!

Will it stay that way.

I remember one conversation that I overheard at Mysteries the bookshop in London that I visited during my wanderings in the Pagan world .. and one of the guys said something about something about "that would give the game away" Never forgotten that.

And, I wonder if the game will be given away.

I love reading and hearing about other people's experiences .. knowing that roughly a third of people I pass in the streets have had experiences .. well, over a cerain age anyway, is interesting. Most are probably a lot more interesting than mine. But mine suit me .. they are the type I would want to have .. though that doesn't mean that they are the kind other people would have .. there are many different facets to this as I'm finding out.

I don't talk about them much at the meetings .. I would love to hear more about their's too .. but really we've just exchanged a few tales here and there .. like with most of my friends. Some things are held very close to the heart and that is just how it is at times.

The only thing that does seem to be a constant .. is that love is the key.

I've forgotten some of mine .. been too ill to remember everything .. but I will still make little booklets for me mates to add to or just to keep as they are .. as an addition to their own. They fill up as time goes on with friends and family adding their own stories throughout the years.

Well, I hope to make the booklets .. doesn't really matter .. cause everyone's got a few of mine over the years .. so it doesn't really matter.

Should do one fer meself though I think. And carry on reading. The net has so much information.

And now I guess I better go out. It's nice and sunny out there.

Granulation etc

Just washed me hair and me dressing stayed on!!!!!! Excellent .. this could help it heal like the back one is doing .. before my hair used to get a bit tangled so there wasn't any chance but now with this dressing there things could start improving.

It was the honey dressing that they used at my GPs that started the back healing .. then it started to overgranulate .. healing faster in some places than others so they used silver nitrate on it a couple of times and now it's carrying on slowly getting better. The honey dressing was used about three times with two changes a week before there were signs of granulation

Granulation:

http://www.answers.com/topic/granulation


I had the back wound .. probably a pressure sore but no-one is quite sure because of the auto immune condition .. it would have been helped along the way by the auto immune illness anyway whether it's a pressure sore or not because of the fragility of my skin and then made harder to heal because of the point of pressure there.. Anyway ... I had the back wound for around six months without there being any sign of healing .. infact it was getting larger .. until the honey dressing was used on it .. and it has slowly been getting smaller since then.

and then ......

And potters back to listen to some healing beats .. bean listening to some binaural beats .. though still without headphones .. need to get that sorted out. I do sit right infront of the pooter though!!!!! As near asI can get to it at the moment ... lol!!!!!

I will sort it out eventually though.

........

I very rarely cry ..but the singing brought tears to my eyes .. often does. Something that even the pain couldn't do .. though I did yelp a bit .. well, imagine just what the pain is like .. pretty bad.

But that song ... does. Sung by those people.

Not just the beauty of the singing but because you now that it's true and heartfelt.

Well, I did

Oh .. yes, and Sunday .. well, I did go but got there for the last twenty minutes or so and then stayed for a cup of tea and a chat. Could have gone for healing but was too busy chatting I guess. The singing was so sweet .. I don't think I've ever heard such sweet singing. Beautiful. The lady on the platform must've been thinking the same because she thanked everyone for the lovely singing. And it was.

God Be With You Til We Meet Again is always sung as the end and the high notes are always reached beautifully.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZW3UCSI7jo

Only a couple of verses and choruses.

Beautiful.

Also carried my bags downstairs as will do today.

Tuesday

Up, fed and medicated. Rather tired which I guess isn't at all surprizing. The last time in hospital was exhausting .. I'm pretty sure that it was the bug that the ambulance guy from Coventry told me about that got me in there this time. Don't think that I've ever sweated so much in my life for the first twentyfour hours I was in there. I was having the tummy spasms again which meant me tum was being rather wrecked because it's so delicate from my illness. On my first day there, have no idea when .. I'm so used to being taken in in the early hours rather than during the day that I was a bit disorientated .. that they thought I'd had an accident but it was the amount of sweat pouring off me. One of the nurses sounded really upset when she discovered that I'd been pouring with sweat like that.

I have to say that the nursing staff were wonderful coping with it all. I was looked after so well there .. nighties continuously changed so I didn't have to wear wet clothes etc. My medication was sorted out very quickly on the ward too. Gave the nurses fund a couple of quid to thank them .. they bought biscuits for their tea breaks with them .. Rosie showed me what they'd got after popping down to the hospital shop.

From now on I'm always going to have a couple of days supply packed to take in with me. I hadn't bothered this time cause I thought that the bug must be coming to an end and I wouldn't need to go into hospital. Should've quickly sorted everything out as soon as I started feeling queasy .. even if it was just incase. Once things started going wrong it all happened very quickly as usual. Still I had my Cellcept and oramorph and MST .. and the pharmacy was open at the hospital when we got there.

We moved out of the flat and off to hospital very quickly once the ambulance guys were there and as it was a week day I knew me medicines could be very easily sorted out once we got to the hospital cause the pharmacy was open and my GP could be contacted.

Some of my medicines aren't on the ward trolley though so it's best to make sure that I have some on me when I go in .. so I'll have a little spare medicine box packed now along with other things that need to go in. I think I'll put a letter in with the medicines explaining what usually goes wrong at times like this and about my illnesses. Cause it's not easy to talk when you're in so much pain and have a fever.

I was out of hospital for a lot longer this time before I had to be carted back in again this time and I think it was the chesty bug that the ambulance man told me about that got me back in again.

Will sort out an emergency box soon so that everything is ready .. it's easy to forget something.

Fell asleep on the couch last night again but had a reasonable nights sleep once I turned in properly. Wasn't very well this morning and didn't really want to get up but was ok in an hour or so. It always takes a while to get moving and sort the medication etc out though. I am a bit tired though today.

Sorted fridge out yeterday and will take rubbish down to the bins this afternoon .. pop a few odds and ends into bags and think I'll call it a day. Rested quite a bit yesterday too.

Saturday ........

Tomorrow I'll be doing more sorting .. not taking that much with me .. it can be cleared after I've gone .. no heavy lifting though tomorrow .. not after the hospital stay. I really just want to take my books ..printed and yet to be used .. I will make some bookies eventually .. a few cds .. my clothes .. pencils etc and a few other odds and ends .. that's it. Then I've got to get some help to get there cause of my health but I've got some people who can sort that out now .. hopefully.

Said I'd ask me brother something for someone this evening but will ask on Wednesday .. there was a lot to talk about this evening and it kinda slipped my mind. Have taken me meds .. whoops .. dives for antibiotic .. just got one more to take tomorrow morning then the course is over. Must say me brother sounded a lot better than he has for a couple of weeks .. guess he's caught up on his sleep now.

People said how great Dave's paintings are last night .. slipped out for a moog of hot chocolate .. and they are .. and very peaceful. Was surprized that I was well enough to go at all .. went to Tesdo too .. really surprized me .. the ambulance with the sirens hooting on Tuesday morning was fer me .. I wasn't good at all .. but there you are ..guess it was the antibiotics and the rest while I was reccovering .. didn't eat all the time I was in there cept for a little porridge and Weetabix and was on a saline drip.

Still feel bad but I guess you can't recover over night so to speak. Did go out today but have rested a lot too. Probably won't go out tomorrow much even though it is a Sunday. Don't think it'll be a good idea to be out that long at the moment.

Saturday

Back from hospital .. had another of my tummy spasm episodes .. probably had come down with the chest infection bug that's going round here at the moment .. the guys that brought me back from the hospital told me about it .. said some of their collegues in Coventry were off with it. Still don't feel too good but they have to get you out of hospital pretty quick these days as they need the beds. They put me on antibiotics pretty quickly .. I've three more to take .. one of the guys had forgotten his that morning .. hope he'll be ok .. he didn't sound very well.

Reading the papers yesterday saw that Johnny Wilkinson has a book coming out about his epiphany along the science/spirituality route.

http://iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=5&click_id=18&art_id=nw20080919160044151C444070

And has an interest in Buddhism.

Also the AWARE project is in the news .. a project where they're going to put pictures in high places in rooms in hospitals and if anyone has a NDE they can report if they see it. I wonder what will happen .. these things are usually pretty inconclusive .. though people have reported accurately in the past about what has been going on in the room in good detail. I wonder about piccies though. The study's been moving forward to this for around eighteen months now. It'll be interesting what it comes up with.

Nice that the stories were leaders so I knew there was something to read on the subjects on my first time up and about again.

I realise too that while I was having those episodes of sleep paralysis I could have gone on to have an obe .. it's quite a common way of having them .. but I just wanted to be moving again rather than having an out of the body experience .. I didn't know until my third one .. out of three .. but my reaction was still to try to move and wake up properly. I don't think that I'm really well enough to be doing things like that at the moment really .. though if it had happened I wouldn't've objected. Think I'd rather try through music or something like that though. I'd just like one like my brother's too start off with .. out and a quick return.

I felt much better yesterday evening than this morning .. probably very tired because it took ages to get to sleep and I didn't sleep very well.

Go and sort myself out .. think I'll have a Fortesip for breafast. Taken my medication .. think a Fortesip will be fine to go with it. Didn't used to like them and used to avoid them a bit but I've changed my mind cause they're an easy way to get quite a bit of the nutrition I need. And they taste ok. I've known some people who really like them. Will sit and rest for a while I think rather than dashing out.

..........

Another sneeze and do feel a bit queasy .. see how things go .. I'll phone them up if the queasyness lasts cause I can't go if I'm feeling like this. Have got time for things to settle down though. I was ok til I stood up then the queasyness kicked in .. it's about half an hour since the sneeze.

Went to bed earlier last night and got a good nights sleep but I'm a bit wet eyed and coldy this morning. My medication can affect your eyes and so can the auto immune illness but I don't think mine are worse than before I developed the illness. Still use the same strength reading glasses. For a while, nearer the beginning I had a lot of discharge from the eyes and I'd lost a little of a layer of skin just at the sides of the eyes near the nose .. but the Cellcept and steroids have healed that .. it would be nice if they were as efficient everywhere.

Think I'm ok to go in.

Creation

There's a massive argument going on between scientists and Christians about the beginning of life on the planet at the moment. I don't understand the religious side at all because there are so many creation stories and I find it hard to believe that any creator would have favoured one group of people over another.

http://www.bigmyth.com/

has some nice animations .. though you can only see a few of them as they have a cd to sell.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Creation_myth


http://www.livescience.com/history/top_10intelligeni_designs.html


Conflict and agreement between science and religion

http://www.religioustolernce.org/sci_rel.htm

The Anglican church has apologised to Darwin

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/article-1055597/Church=makes--8216-ludicrous-8217-apology-Charles-Darwin--126-years-death.html

Just one of the couple of things that was on my mind when I woke up this morning. I'm not religious .. though I have come round to believing that life follows life .. think that's the best way of putting it. I did once mention someone's prayer .. but she knows my beliefs and frames things both ways .. she's interested in Buddhism and has been reading books by the Dalai Lama and has been finding out about that.

Have to potter off to hospital now.

evening

Been reading loads about my illness today .. it's very interesting. I haven't had any flare ups for a while but that it's surprizing seeing the amount of cellcept I'm taking. But I've still not healed properly. It's cool seeing the ways people are coping with it. Dunno what the woman who can't manage the steroid sparing drug she was on nor the steroids is going to do .. she's just trying homeopathy at the moment and the lesions are coming back fast. SupposeI should get back to her .. the one she was on was giving her liver problems .. the same drug made me become very rigid which when added to a high dose steroid is not a joke .. that one was swapped for Cellcept .. which hasn't produced any problems. I don't know why .. but my team seemed unused to Cellcept when I was put on it .. it seems to be used more than I thought it was.

Some of the rigidity is certainly starting to improve. Walking is quite different now to a few months ago when I always used to have to rest in Waterstones. Every day is different as far aswalking goes. Sometimes I get back and think that's it .. never again .. and other times it's not too much of a problem. On Sunday I carried things down stairs without huffing and puffing for the first time. It's strange feeling movement again like that .. even though it's very far from being what it was .. have no idea if it'll ever be back to that. I am rather surprized at the moment though. I've no idea at the moment if the nauseous feeling is just becauseI've got a cold or if it's to do with my tummy moving too.

Need to get back to meditating too .. haven't been keeping to that for a while. It's a good thing for me. Leaves me feeling very relaxed and in the right place .. when I've been doing it for a while.

It's a difficult road to travel at the moment .. but not as hard as some people's that's for sure. I've been thinking about the poor woman with the cancer .. wondering how she's getting on .. it always amazes me when it comes to the strength that people have .. some a lot more than others though. My friends say I'd've got through this without spirit cause I'm just that kind of person .. but what has happened in that respect has changed a lot for me I must admit. I never know quite what to write about my reactions to it all because I was such a sceptic .. which wasn't good because it meant that I was closed minded to something that was quite plausible and very plausible in comparison to what hadalready happened as far as the universe etc .. etc whatever that may be ..lol!!! is concerned Though obviously not too closed minded though for quite a while I was just fascinated by what was happening.

I haven't looked at me web out of the body experiences books yet. There was one that I was a bit put off by when I went to his site .. then I realised it was just a feed to the site. It would be nice to know what an obe is like .. maybe if I'd taken some notice back in my 30s I'd know by now .. but I as frightened by what was happening .. wasn't this time at all. It's probably good in other ways though cause I couldn't've been ready to cope with anything like this .. and I miht have read what was happening rather differently .. ok .. I might have not .. but you never know. I'm glad mum told me what she did and I wish I'd been more curious about Lin's gran and grandpa. Though I'm glad I knew of them it made things a lot easier this time .. I knew how much Lin liked them. Though there too .. I know that everyone I meet isn't going to be a sort of clone of Lin's grandparents.

I can go on what others who I know have had them say .. but it's not the same as having one yourself I guess .. even then there seem to be different kinds and related experiences like that professor's one where it's difficult to now how to classify it because it's not a separation of mind and brain .. guess the book on angels is the best place for it.

Anyway ,, gonna get my fortesip and wash me hair so it's done for tomorrow .. me hair that is rather than the fortesip.

Well, I'll wash my hair when the water warms up a little ... Brrrr

Monday

There was a bit of a dash to collect me oramorph prescription this morning as there'd been a glitch in the system .. fortunately I'd enough left from times when I hadn't woken at night to see me through the weekend.



Well, a dash after I'd woken up .. managed to get a good night's sleep and didn't wake up til around 11.30 .. I remembered straight away though and managed to get things sorted out. I did wonder if I'd make it though cause I sneezed a couple of times when I got up, was coughing, wretched and felt sick .. but was ok after about ten minutes. Didn't walk back from the doctors as I wasn't sure how things would go. I was thinking about it but decided it might not be the best thing to do.

As far as the Cellcept goes I didn't get round to having any food .. though I took all the other medication with it. I'm meant to take a couple of the others with food cause they can damage the stomach .. but I do have a pill to protect my stomach.

Still feeling a bit queasy .. with a few very minor hiccups now and then. Guess I'd've been the same whether I'd been out or not.

Did a bit of sorting yesterday .. will bag up today but no lifting bags. See if tomorrow's ok for that.

It was two sneezes in rapid succession this morning. I did wonder for a while if I'd end up back in hospital .. guess I would have done a couple of months ago .. cause that's how it was going then. A sneeze meant a week in hospital because it'd set up spasms which caused extreme pain and sickness. Made me swell up a bit which isn't good when things are so constricted and damaged my insides cause obviously they are rather vulnerable.

Still .. even the short sharp sneezes this morning didn't cause that much trouble .. I did sit there for a while wondering which way it'd go though.

Not sleeping

Having a hard time getting to sleep as me stomach's not too good .. maybe I shouldn't have gone out after the sneeze.

There are other treatments to try and get the auto immune illness under control but from what I've been told they're more toxic than what I've already been on. It took a long time to get me to the point I'm at now which isn't too good. Had to search through history to find the the new pamphlet I'd been reading .. it turns out to be a doctors rather than a patients one which is why the one I was given was different. Glad I've read it though .. the statistics are very interesting. While I was searching through the cellcept info I discovered that it's also used for lupus .. another illnesses quite like mine .. and another one that can also be brought on by the sun.

I had been put on another steroid sparing drug before cellcept .. azathioprine I think .. anyway they were small round yellow pills rather than largish oblong mauve ones like the cellcept but I had an allergy to them and they made me very stiff and swell up. More so than the steroids. The cellcept etc are steroid sparing drugs which they put you on so that you don't have to take very large quantities of the corticosteroids which in such large doses are considered more toxic than the steroid sparing drugs strange though it may seem. I was reading one guy saying he didn't like being on cellcept because of it's cancer causing properties but obviously it's better than nothing. He has lupus. If I didn't take them I would have died very quickly I guess. They start you on the corticosteroids first in large quantities because they work faster than the steroid sparing drugs but then try and keep you on a small dose of corticosteroids and a larger dose of the steroid sparing drug.

I had read that the illness is more common in women than men but after reading lots of info about it it seems that it's equally distributed. Lupus is more common in women though and usually starts relatively young where as my illness, though anyone can develop it usually starts in middle age or older. I found another similar illness yesterday too .. not an auto immune one but that shows itself in a very similar way. Don't know if that one was sun related too. Didn't read much about it.

Hmmm . did a prednisolone test .. the corticosteroid I take .. and discovered that this thins the skin.

I'm not going to complain about it all though .. it's obviously helped me .. guess it has to be very potent to get the illness sorted out as much as possible.


Right off to try and get some sleep again .. my stomach is still moving.. but they're just slight spasms not the type that were making me sick and landing me back in hospital. Feels very strange though.

Sunday

Was late .. even though I'd hoped to be there early this time!! I was hoping to see a specific person but as it turned out someone else was there. I didn't mind .. though people thought I might be a bit upset after making the effort to get there to see her. Didn't worry me at all .. I had hoped to be there but I'd sneezed a bit earlier on and was a bit worried about going out again .. because a sneeze was getting me hospitalized for a week at a time a few months ago. I did go though .. and pleased that I did in some ways because someone had bought in a few books they were letting go for 50p each .. I bought a couple of ones about healing.

Was sad to hear that someone's friend is extremely ill with cancer. I just sent my love and gve a furry for her to give to her. The little critter is all ready to go in his green wellies. I expect my friend will tell the story to go with him. Didn't have nuch time to talk as she had to rush this evening.

Fell asleep again .. going to have my pain relief and a fortisip and go to bed.

Cellcept??????????? with food or without!!!?!!!

Felt quite bright last night .. this morning not so good .. and it's Sunday which means it's bone sparing pill time!!! But am a bit better now .. it always takes me a bit of time to wake up in the mornings anyway .. felt rather more queasy than usual .. though downed a cyclizine and it helped.

Wondering about taking my cellcept differently now too .. there are differences in various instructions. The pharmacist at the hospital had thought it was the other way round .. but I hadn't seen anything about it before yesterday.. my instructions in the pack are the ones that say it doesn't make any difference .. they're from Roche.

One set of instructions

http://emc.medicines.org.uk/emc/assets/c/html/DisplayDoc.asp?DocumentID=4075

Taking Cellcept with food and drunk

Taking food and drink has no influence on your treatment with Cellcept.

Then ..

http://www.brighamandwomens.org/transplantsurgery/Patient/MaintenanceMedications.aspx

Even though the manufacturer of this medicine recommends taking it on an empty stomach you will be asked to take it with food to help prevent an upset stomach.

And

http://www.drugstore.com/qxn00004025901_33181_sespider/cellcept/cellcept.htm

Take this medicine on an empty stomach at least one hour before or two hours after eating.

Going to have to read a bit more too I guess. After reading that I might try taking it at a different time from any dairy products and see if that makes any difference.

Saturday

Am still very tired but walking was better today on the whole. Someone said I didn't sound as cheerful as usual but I think that's just me feeling so tired .. went to bed late but still had a reasonable night's sleep and didn't wake up til nineish this morning. I don't tend to talk as much when I'm tired. Just been on the phone with someone who reacts the opposite way .. he goes on autopilot and talks a lot more than usual .. he's just had his first good night's sleep for a while .. but is still kind of on autopilot .. but better than the last couple of weeks or so. Suited me .. meant that I could just listen most of the time.


Said to him to write down what he has to say to his consultant and post it to him a week before going as he says someone else tends to take over in the consultation and he doesn't get much chance to say what he needs in the time he's there. If he does write then the consultant can address specific questions to him. Otherwise it might look to the consultant as if he's ok with how things are when in reality he's got things he feels he needs to talk about. Even in my exhausted state it seems the right thing to do if you're having those kinda difficulties.

Got a new pair of shoes today .. just like me last ones .. and they're a fine fit. The other's had started going a while back but I didn't really feel like getting them sorted .. then all of a sudden there was a mega split and I had to get something done about them. Had no trouble at all though. They fit fine.

Have stayed up late again .. this illness can be a pain for a lot of different reasons .. I'd've been up agai whether I'd gone to bed or not.

Found a useful site this evening about meds

http://www.revolutionhealth.com/

And read another leaflet about my illness. I hadn't read it before because I'd been given a leaflet in hospital and just assumed it was that one .. but it wasn't .. this one is the most informative one I've read I guess .. not good news for me again as I discovered that the mortality rate is much higher if the illness is both on the mucous membranes and skin than just the mucous membranes .. and that's without a family history of skin cancer and having spent a lot of time in the sun in my life which would make me a candidate for skin cancer anyway without the cellcept pushing it on in that direction along with me auto immune illness. I also have the bone and muscle problem now as well. Getting on up to a 50% rate if you have the combined problem with the illness to start with without the additional problems.

Though my illness isn't producing too many new symptoms .. it took a long time for the initial skin problems to respond to treatment .. should take about six weeks. It took me a lot longer and it's still not sorted out .. though, on the other hand .. I didn't have such a large area covered by the illness .. inside and out .. as some people do. I found it hard to take in that some poor souls had a 50% covering at some point or other from the illness. I had some much larger patches on my legs at one point than those visible on my neck but never anything near 50%.

Still a pottering through though. Found out today that my newer friend doesn't have as much of a belief system as I thought she would .. though is very spiritual in a lot of ways. I expect we will talk more. I've been reading some of the NDEs on a site I've found. They're quite amazing .. will only read a few I think though. There are so many. And there are a lot of other things to read. Wish I'd read them earlier. I've known two people who've had NDEs.. well, two that have talked about them anyway .. and, a number, who've had other otherwordly type experiences.

I wish I'd taken a bit more notice the first time around .. instead of asking for it to stop .. but I guess in reality maybe I wasn't really ready to explore all this .. after that there was a very definite stoppage shall we say!!!

Anyway .. time for bed .. I should sleep through for a few hours now. Certainly wouldn't've before. It's not been a bad day really. It's had it's funny moments in a furry type of way too.

.......

I'm going to get up and do a bit more sorting .. no carrying today .. just a bit of sorting out. Not quite sure what was going on with my stomach this morning. I felt reasonable .. considering I'd not long got up til that happened.

Been thinking of my friend a lot this morning. I think she has had spiritual incidents in her life that have altered her way of thinking long before she met me. Thought that quite a while back .. but we don't talk about it. She does have a spiritual kind path in life.

I think I might have a slight temperature which probably means I've got a chill. Oh well. Anyway, I've had me Fortesip plus for the day. I don't really feel like eating much today .. but I'll do my best and I have got those to take the place of meals if I can't eat much .. though usually I do just have one a day.

Right, time for a bit more pain relief. Might take an afternoon cyclizine today to help guard against being sick. Just in case.

....

She is in less pain now .. but the four or so days she was really ill sounded appalling. She got through on ibuprofen and paracetamol but they didn't really touch the pain .. she'd had a fall and done something to her left hip, leg and back but fortunately it's easing now. What do you do in a situation like that when you can't get down to the GP. It turned out to be ok but I think she should've got it checked out with the amount of pain she was describing it could've been a lot worse. Think I'd've phoned NHS Direct for advice .. she didn't do anything cause she thought no-one woud come out for anything like that and she was in too much pain to get to the doctors. Anyway, it's easing now so it doesn't look as if she's broken or sprained anything .. a bit like my brother's last lot of pain when he twisted round too quickly.

She's a spiritual person .. though not religious .. haven't discussed things of that nature really. Don't with everyone .. just if it comes up one way or another generally usually. Might stop that now too .. generally!!!! Most people know people in their families and friends who have experienced things like that, if they haven't themselves, which'll help them on their way. I'll probably potter round the net having a read though.

It is fascinating.

Thursday

Ah .. well .. back to normal .. it's raining again. I can't believe that it's just stayed dry for one day!!! It's cold and wet.

Felt a bit sick when I got up this morning .. had slight tummy spasm but no sneezing .. hope it's not another cold though. I've taken a cyclazine .. an antisickness pill and will see if that helps. I usually only take one in the morning cause that's when any feelings of sickness are at their worse .. dunno why but I always feel sick when I get up. It might just be my tummy moving slightly if there's been a bit of muscle movement over night .. it's such a small amount of movement that it's surprizing that it can cause problems like this though .. but then it can cause extra pain. Maybe it was just me tum adjusting itself a bit. Or .. maybe I'm going to sneeze soon!!! Who knows.

I had a good night's sleep last night .. slept through from when I went to sleep til about 8.30 this morning .. makes a change.

Have been listening to someone's Hare Krishna mantra hoping I will get into tht while this is going on .. there seems to be quite a lot of movement going on right now. That takes my mind off it a bit. Now onto recordings from nature .. streams and birdsong.
I'm on this site which is rather nice.

http://www.archive.org/index.php

Found it while checking up if the music from the other site was up and running again. It's not at the moment.

My tum seems to have settled down again so maybe it was just a bit of movement soon after getting up. There was a bit of coughing going on too .. who knows. eh.

Caring

I have a friend who has a partner who is very ill and in a lot of pain. We don't really discuss matters like this right now .. she's a newish friend and though she knows my feelings about spiritual matters we haven't gone into any depth when talking about it .. she's got a lot to cope with and has just been in considerable pain herself.

I, obviously, have no say in these matters. but I wish spirit would be in her life in the nicest, kindest possible way and in away that would suit her and hurt no-one.. I know enough to know she'd have no objection. Well, for all I know that might've already have happened .. our friendship is more one of support about the pain rather than anything else just at this moment. I was going to say rather than spiritual matters .. though I suppose that could be seen as being spiritual. There's a bit of fun and joking to get through. I know that it would help.

Maybe she'll have a look through the net now that she knows I'm interested and see what she thinks.

Off t' bed

etc

Anyway .. off to bed now. Been talking a lot about family today .. not so much my own .. though have been on the phone to my brother .. he sounded tired. He has a spray for his asthma so I looked it up and for this spray .. another corticosteroid like my prednisolone .. there was a warning .. that though they weren't as damaging as use by spray as by mouth long term use could cause bone loss. He's going to ask about that. I found that bit of information when googling symbicort .. the brand name of the medication he's taking .. could be worth a chat.

Yeah .. today was pretty much a family day all round. with a bit of weather and the CERN experiment thrown in for good measure. Was hoping it would be a dry day today .. cause someone had told me it was meant to be .. but after yesterday evening's downpour I had started to wonder!!! It was nice after a cool start.

And a bit of a chat about leaving and me meds.

I went for healing this afternoon too but didn't talk about that though it was an interesting experience with someone different doing the healing .. well, the second time they've done it. Interesting.

Have thought about that a bit though not talked about it at all. I don't much I guess. She was nice and though I was really too late still saw me afterwards .. hope I gave her good feedback. Think she was happy with what I had to say. Don't generally talk about the healing .. the least effect it can really have is some kind of placebo effect I guess. Which may change the way you approach things.

Off to try to get some sleep anyway .. am still very tired. Not surprizing with the illnessess and medication I guess.

Early start

An early visit to the docs this morning but more or less made it on time .. they were running over as there'd been a few problems. Got back and then off out again for me Wednesday meeting though too late for it to be much more than a social visit. Nattered quite a bit today all over the place about a lot of things but found that I was very tired and that the pain levels were up and down a lot. Late afternoon I was lucky to get back in before my tum started playing up .. though that was soon over .. but it can worry people and I never know if it's going to be over quickly or if I'm going to be back in hospital.

There's still more movement though it's very, very gradual. It's been a busy day really .. though I've had a break from sorting .. start that again tomorrow .. I'll try and turn in earlier rather than dozing on the sofa this evening!!!

Drank my Fortesip .. that has 20gms of protein in per bottle along with vitamins and minerals. It just makes sure that I have enough protein to try and cope with the damage the illness has done as well as everyday type repairwork.

zzz zzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz hopefully

Was going to go for a cup of hot chocolate .. but decided that I was too tired this evening. It's the colds that have been getting me .. and not going to bed when I should .. maybe .. hum!!!! I'd've been late for sure if I'd gone out this evening .. better just to doze here. An glad I got my little bit of sorting out for today too.


My new furry is very nice .. a furry ornament with meaning .. well, for me and the people who gave it to me, and, well, other people too.



Boy .. though, I am sleepy .. it's nothing to do with the sorting cause that wasn't really that energetic. I'm just a bit on the sleepy side today .. strangely yesterday evening I was raring to go at the games then this morning I felt exhausted again.

Well .. been dozing. lol!!! Better here I guess.

Phew!!!

Done it!!!! Not as difficult as I thought it'd be but took longer than I'd hoped. That goes for the hair washing too .. have to see what they reckon at the hospital tomorrow.

I said I wouldn't go out til I'd done what I said I'd do and much to my surprize I've kept to that .. thought it all might get a bit too much and I'd bail for a while but I've done it.

Monday

Up, fed and medicated though not meditated yet today. Will be doing some more work around the flat today .. in dribs and drabs. Know what I'm going to do .. I think I had a slight temperature this morning which made me wonder if I was going to be able to do anything .. but am feeling a bit better now. Not much .. but I want to get this done.

Glad I was diplomatic about the last couple of probs I had. She's back because of someone else's problems .. though still drinking .. that's obvious. But I'm glad I didn't rush round telling everyone her life story or I'd be feeling very subdued know .. lol!!! I wish things were different all round .. both for the guy with problems and her .. but can do nothing about it. I'm very glad that I did choose to say nothing though .. no reason to .. though I was asked .. I just chose to say what she'd said. I was shocked to see how things appeared to have got worse in such a short time though. It's sad.

And the other little hiccup over the effect my medicine is having on me has been ironed out .. though it'll take me a bit longer to feel ok about it. She was ok about being indirectly told off about it. I'm glad I was careful there too,

Right, going to wash my hair, have me vitamin tab and a Fortesip. Then do my sorting out.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I did get out this afternoon in the end .. had done some washing though and waited for that to dry. Was bough a fluffy. I have a surprize for them too .. or, will have as I have to make it myself.

Am off to bed now .. have dosed on the sofa again so hopefully with that and the next few hours I'll get plenty of sleep.

Did yesterday's sorting today .. not as much as I'd've liked .. as I didn't do all I'd planned when I got up .. but still .. there you go .. I'll carry on when I get up.

Anyway ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Last night's long chat

After a long talk with me brother yesterday and topics meandered all over the place as usual and we talked for a little while about personality disorders. I had really only known about a couple of them in any great depth so I pottered off to see if they'd sorted out the % rate in the community for women yet. I think I'd blogged that when I was reading about it they weren't sure if one disorder showed itself differently in men than women and so made it difficult to give an accurate percentage.

Seems from reading more up to date findings that they'd got it more or less right .. they've just upped the numbers a bit for both sexes. I read this pamphlet to find that out.

http://www.personalitydisorder.org.uk/assets/Resources/56.pdf

I found it an interesting read. There's a high perentage of people with one or other of the disorders .. 10 ..13%.

The person I was talking to said he thinks that the closing of the large psychiatric hospitals was a big mistake as it's left lots of vulnerable people with not much help. Years ago personality disorder wasn't considered a reason for being admitted into hospital because it was considered untreatable .. don't think it was even came into the cluster of conditions that were considered to be under the term of psychiatric problems. Things are changing though and there is help available .

Sunday

Up .. had a good sleep but was woken up once by me shaking a lot. Think that was down to more muscle movement .. that's what it felt like anyway. There's no more pain than usual this morning which is a good thing. While it was happening my first thought was would I be in more pain when I tried to get up this morning .. but no .. if anything, less .. though that might not last as things settle down. There's a lot of pressure around my stomach but it feels like added pressure rather than a lot of pain. Not pleasant though .. the pain relief does help a bit with that too.

This morning is bone sparing pill day too so I had to wait half an hour before I could take any pain relief.

Didn't do any sorting out yesterday but hope to do a bit more today .. I decided yesterday what I'll do. Thought I better rest for most of the day as the sneeze caused a couple of spasms and I wasn't going to risk that getting worse. Bit queasy this morning but no sneezing as yet.

............

The universe is certainly an interesting place. I will stay with the physics side .. bought a couple of books today which should keep me going for quite a long time. Um .. well, yes .. I decided that I would carry on reading .. lol .. well, that's a bit of an exageration really .. I just pottered in to have a read and was captivated as usual.

Both sides are fascinating and it's nice to have one with the other now.

I don't believe in things lie magic and from the little I know about it, The Secret. I think I said right at the beginning of my blogging that from what I'd seen I felt that magic had more to do with psychology than anything else .. that it has quite an effect on the brain but not the world.

The Secret, from what I know, likes to give the impression that hard work isn't what is needed to get things done. It certainly was the impression given to me from someone else I met on the web who'd read what must be a similar book.

I did wonder how, when things didn't work out, how the book would explain this .. it seems, from someone who's read something along these lines .. is not to give a time limit ..so what if it takes fifty years ... lol!!!! You'd probably forget by then anyway. And, if you .. um .. "work" on lots of things their way .. that something right must happen sooner or later just given the probabilities of chance. And, for some people, this will happen quickly or/and often cause of what they are working for would have happened anyway.

There is a chance too, that it might boost a person's self confidence and that this might help in certain situations .. but, on the other hand, it might not .. if someone feels that something out of their hands in some ways is going to take over for them .. depends on which way they interpret what rthey're reading and also which of this kind of book they're reading.

There is/was a book out on boosting "luck" that was the subject of a BBC program .. and said to alter a person's thinking in the way they perceived the world. Had to go back to some postsI'd made on a board ages ago to find who the author is ..

http://www.richardwiseman.com/books/luckfactor.html

http://www.richardwiseman.com/resources/The_Luck_Factor.pdf

Haven't read the book myself or been told of anything like it but it sounds interesting .. can't remember if I blogged about it before or if I just wrote on a board about it when someone brought up books like The Secret.

I was sad to note that the young woman who brought up the book like The Secret seems to have folded her business. I just went back to check if she was still working like she was.. it seems not as all the sites are either gone or not being used now. Shame cause she's a talented artist and good at craft type work too. There is a chance that she is doing an order for someone she met at a fayre to advertise this kind of work but I'd've thought she would have examples on her sites if she was working .. can't find anything new under her own name or what she used as a trade name. Gone for about a year.

Nothing.

Gosh .. this has moved on a bit .. anyway .. was saying that I'd decided to stay with the physics .. my belief as far as the rest goes is that "spirit" will give you hints that there's more to all this than meets the eye at sometime or other .. well, that life follows life and if you put your own experiences alongside other peoples you can get a pretty good idea that there is something more.

Obviously stayed up for an extra hour .. hope to sleep in fer an extra hour then .. got two hours or a bit more sleep earlier on .. so I'm not too late really.

Zzzzzzzzz

Just fell asleep for a couple of hours. Good thing causeI was so tired. I was dreaming too .. or thinking rather than dreaming when I woke up .. makes a change .. usually I don't remember my dreams at all. Just like mum my brother tells me. He remembers his and has pleasant ones .. but some people seem to have such nasty ones that I'm glad that I don't.

Was thinking about OBEs still. I suppose I would like one really. Not that sort .. but the type where you appear to leave your body for a short time and then return .. but stay in the same room. I think they are the most common and would do for me. One in ten people experiences them. I wonder if that would be higher really .. people don't talk much outside of their families and close friends about them and that might carry over into answering researchers if they thought they would have to tell the other person all about them. I'm not sure that some of the people I've met who've had them would really want to as they consider them very personal.

I'd not heard of one quite like the one in the book before .. I suppose that would be classed as an OBE .. but it's not really your consciousness being separated from your body as in what I'd always thought of as an OBE. And that is what I'd like to experience. This is something else. It's said that one in three people have experiences like this .. again I'd think it's higher because some people I know don't talk about them outside family and close friends. When I said not to talk about them with people you don't trust it seemed that quite a few people already keep to that anyway.

Like my friends brother in law that told about his experience but know won't. My brother tends to talk about his with close friends and me too. Wish I'd listened to people more back in the 70s .. wish I'd talked to me mum and to Lin more .. they both kind of opened the doors to discussion .. but then I didn't have anything much to go on. I didn't even mention that I'd read Dr Moody's books on NDEs to many people .. just kind of kept them in my mind. When I started having my own .. very simple things and, looking back, quite funny really .. I didn't want to know. Said so .. "f**k off universe" was what I said .. and it did!! lol!! I found the idea of there being more frightening for some reason or other .. when really it'd have made more sense the other way round I guess .. what was happening was funny and very thoughtful .. but it scared mr .. and I wasn't someone who was very easily scared. I suppose because I wasn't given time to accept it all .. I didn't tell anyone for a very long time either .. not til a couple of years ago .. sorry folks about that to the people who I knew then. Sorry about that folks .. but we've talked about these things since .. seems people don't talk til prompted sometimes. Not even sure why I didn't tell people .. even a little while later when I looked around the pagan world .. I still didn't talk about it all.

There was such an element of secrecy there that it put me off anyway. And, like most religions, there was so much in squabbling .. my way's better than your way .. that I was left quite confounded. After applying to join the Servants of Light and being given a questionaire that was atad tooenquiring for my liking .. and not about my attitudes to life which I would have thought was what they'd want to know. I think their course mainly focused on the Kabbalah .. which is what Madonna practices. I thought they were rather snobbish going by the questionaire I was given so didn't bother to join .. couldn't quite understand the questionaire in relation to the course.

I thought their criteria for joining seemed a bit odd given it was meant to be a spiritual journey. Didn't trust em I guess!!! lol!!! But felt I could trust the guy in the Angel book after reading his account .. they published extracts his letters .. and reading a bit more about him. I have no idea if he talked about it much from his student days, when it happened, to his old age, when he wrote the letter .. but the extracts from his letters, short though they were .. not much space was given to any story so I only got to read the initial account rather than the full correspondence about the subject between the two of them .. but he seemed very down to earth about it all. Wonder what he made of it as the years went on. I'm quite interested in how scientists explain things like this that happen to them.

Anyway .. off to bed for me .. even with my evening sleep I think it's time to turn in.

Encounters with Angels.

Went out late afternoon as I wasn't feeling too well but found that I was walking much better again. Was thinking about my friend and her experiences which too my mind over to the Encounters with Angels book .. no angels in the story I read ..

Otto Petterson

http://ioc.unesco.org/icho/article/Svansson.pdf


wrote some letters to an old college friend who'd gone to America. They'd lost contact but when they'd retired got back in contact and started a "lively correspondence". Profesor Petterson told Professor Eisen this .. He came home one evening, and looking back is pretty sure he hadn't been drinking, saw himself lying motionless on his bed .. he was so scared that he ran out of the house to a friend's house and asked to stay the night. The friend said yes .. Otto Petterson stayed the night, though he didn't get any sleep, as what he'd seen was going round and round in his mind. The next morning when the sun was shining and his friend awake and coffee offered he began to feel a bit more cheerful and laughing told his friend and landlady what he'd seen the night before. They all thought it a bit of a joke in the clearness of the morning and said they'd go back to his house with him and see if he was still in bed.

He wasn't, but where he would have been if he had gone to bed there that night, was a Swedish stove, a tall tiled stove, which had fallen down and completely crushed the bed.

I think it is a fourth type of OBE that I've come across.

DIfferent OBEs

Up, fed and medicated. Still sneezing so I guess I've still got a bit of a chill .. another larger sneeze that caused a couple os spasms then settled down with me just feeling rather sickly rather than the whole cycle of extreme pain and vomiting going on. I am in more pain than usual but not much .. nothing like it used to be.


Hopefully the website with the music for OBEs might be back again soon .. The error message that used to appear when you tried to access the site has been replaced and I guess they might be working on it now. I wondered if they had just changed hosts to start off with buy it loos as if there was an error. I'll potter back in a week or so. Don't think I'll have an OBE through listening to the music but it's nice and relaxing.

So far I've come across three different types of OBE through listening to what my friends who've had them have to say .. only one makes me think there could be a slight lapse in time .. the others are in the here and now.

Well, I said three .. if I add on another type found through reading some of another book from The Works .. Encounters with Angels .. it appears there might be a fourth kind .. which I don't know where to document in connection with time. Suppose it's not that relevant though.

What my new friend told me about hers must have been frightening but at the same time very reassuring on a lot of levels.

I guess there must be lots of different kinds.

It's raining again .. but I'm off out for a while. Will be careful.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Off to bed in five minutes!!! Did a bit of tidying up .. about half of what I'd intended but I think I was recovering from staying up so late last night and still having a bit of a chill.

Not staying up that late tonight.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Friday

It's going to be a wet day. Not that that comes as any surprize .. but wetter than usual it appears .. two weeks of rain which would normally fall in September falling in 24 hours. Glad I did go and get me shopping last night .. it was tempting to just go back to the flat but I thought as I had me umbrella I might as well go for it. Not sure if I want to try and dash out in any gaps in the rain .. will see how I feel. At least there's no need to.



We talked a bit about healthy eating last night so going straight into Tesco was quite a good idea. Also talked about something she'd been up late thinking about the night before .. didn't get me to bed any earlier though. I really must have an afternoon nap or go to bed earlier. I have been drifting off to sleep on the sofa quite a bit lately but guess it's better to try and turn in earlier. Slept in reasonably late this morning too but I really should get to bed earlier.



I've met her family .. though quite briefly as we had things to rush to do .. which reminds me again that I really must eat some veggies every day even if I'm feeling very tired. I worked out the best way to do that .. well, for me .. and I'll see if I can stick to it.

Right gud night!!!!

Well, I'm amazed again .. my newish friend .. getting on for eighty .. is doing even more work than I thought she was .. it already seemed to me that she has her days full .. of work!!!! I was wondering how she could fit writing a book into her "spare" time. Turns out she's doing even more than I already knew.

My friend I was with this evening is quite a bit older than me and very energetic. I guess I'm quite energetic considering my illnesses .. but as I say if spirit hadn't come into my life I don't think I would've been.

It amazes me how many people have experiences that make them wonder about life .. mine have made me quite sure that life follows life .. and I'm very grateful for what I've been shown .. because that appears what it's all about .. and for what other people have told me. I seem to have had quite a stream of experiences like that but then, I guess, I'm very ill so why not.

I've been interested in the universe etc for a long time and combining the two has made me think a lot and for me with my experiences and listening to other people's .. I believe life follows life. And I thank spirit for showing me when I hadn't been looking. OK .. the experiences had been there before .. I suspect most people have them .. mine started in my 30s .. though I was silly and didn't want to know.

There are lots of thigs that I haven't experienced. I don't suppose I'll have an OBE. They seem to be in many forms. Not the same things at all.

Not all experiences are initially pleasant .. which makes me wonder about Buddhist views .. I used to be a sort of Buddhist .. interested to start off with because I was a vegan .. but I did dip into books here and there and know a few Buddhists. Most NDEs are eventually pleasant .. I suppose it depends on the time span .. I know a bit more about them now .. and realise that to a certain point you create your own. I do know that there's often a review of your life and that the seeming outcome of that is that kindness is seen as a good thing.

I wish I'd asked mum more about her experiences .. well .. about her mum's becauseI know there should've been a lot to be told because of something she once said about my nan .. but I didn't as .. dunno why really but I never followed anything she said like that up .. surprizes me now that I wasn't full of curiousity. Though maybe I wouldn't've been able to think it through then as I can now.

Most of the things I'm being told now I haven't experienced. I know they're true. I've witnessed similar things seeming to take place in hospital one way or another. I suspect mine, this time, started round about the time my illness got underway though I didn't now I was ill then. One seemed there for mum .. though I didn't know I was starting to fall apart at the time .. literally.

I used to think that I couldn't believe things that I hadn't experienced myself but I know enough now to know that there are things that I haven't experienced that are certainly true. It's interesting that I'm learning about one kind more or less together now .. possibly because of my own health.

Some I don't understand at all .. and why they don't happen all the time.

Ah .. time .. that's something that seems to pop up sometimes .. though it can't be the answer to all .. I wondered if some OBEs exist outside of time as we perceive it. An evening spent reading through the theories of relativity and quantam theory with David Deutschs work suggesting parallel universes just makes you wonder what might be going on out there. It is very complex and there must be so much more to find out. Theories are all very well I guess .. but there just has to be one new law coming up from somewhere and things have to be looed at again.

Anyway .. I'm off to bed .. I'm not sure that I want to mix my lovely, cozy, snuggley, huggley experiences on the seemingly "esoteric" side with my interest in physics as we know it at the present. I just kinda feel that there's really so little known on both sides that the interests could become too confused .. science changes .. and on the seemingly "esoteric" side things point very much to life after life and then have to mix that with science that perhaps isn't yet in touch with the facts that need to be known to look at these happenings properly.

I understand why people don't bother trying to talk to others about these things .. I'm told that there's a series featuring Richard Dawkins on the TV at the moment .. I think he's atheist v religion rather than being totally against there being any suggestion that there is life after life though he does seem to more or less see his no god against there being a god as encompassing any other form of interest .. I suppose because he seems to approach the subject so often from the there is a god v there isn't one stance but it still seems as if he really sees things as if there isn't a religious type god then there can be no reason why there should be anything else than something based on that.

I was alienated from his writing a lot .. even though I agreed with a lot of it and I did see him saying that it's not people who are interested in there being a continuation of life after life .. though he didn't sound as if he had much time for that really either .. by one page .. and I realized that we might agree on a lot but on some things we never would even though what he was writing about didn't really connect to the subject from a scientific viewpoint.

But .. there you go.

Another experience .. that had me wondering what that could be about and left me baffled .. was cleared up this morning when I actually bothered to look something up I should have done before when I was baffled .. someone had got the wording wrong!!!

Yippee!!!!!!!

So there u go!!!!

But they are personal experiences .. so many of these thing are. Someone who almost passed over a little while ago now won't talk about his .. not even to closeish family. They often seem to be based on love .. and I don't just mean romantic love. They often include other family and close friends. Maybe he wants time to himself to think it all through or maybe he thinks he's told people close to him and now just wants to get on with things.

Judging by my experience most people have either had them themselves or have people close to them that have.

Thursday

This morning wasn't too good .. biggest sneeze since I've been ill like this I guess. Left me feeling rather queazy on top of the tiredness but still didn't have to go into hospital. Wasn't a massive one but it showed that I had more room to sneeze now. Went out just before five feeling reasonable though could feel that my tum wasn't in the best of shape .. probably a bit swollen still from this morning's sneeze. I'd spent most of the day just sitting hoping that it would sort itself out. And it did to a certain extent.

Pottered off out .. met the woman I gave the first of my Work's books to .. tapped me on the shoulder just as I'd gone into Tescos. She invited me for a cup of coffee at McDonald's so off we went. Wasn't 100% sure if I should be doing more than picking up a few odds and ends and then going back to the flat but decided to stay for a chat.

I'd seen her the Wednesday before as I was going back to the flat but decided to leave it as she hadn't seen me and I needed to go in, take me meds, have a bit of a rest and then set off to the Wednesday meeting. Later on I thought I should've asked if she'd have wanted to come with me .. Dave was there and she'd've really enjoyed his singing.

I was pleased to see her this afternoon though not sure how I'd stand up to being out for long. She decided to have something to eat there .. I'd been thinking of giving her one of Dave's prints so this gave me the chance to go back and get the few I have so she could choose one .. she was a bit worried about ne pottering around more than I had to but I said I'd be ok. Just as well I did go back really cause me tum played up a bit just before I got back so I sorted that out and took some pain relief and got me brolly.

It was a bit more difficult walking back .. think there was some new muscle movement going on too .. had thought that this morning too when I got up .. nothing to do with the sneeze .. just felt as if my breathing was noticeably different from the day before. Anyway, asked if she'd like to choose a couple of his prints. Chatted a bit more talking about life and something she wanted to talk about. Went to Tesco and then back here.

Bought a couple of bottles of heavyish cleaning stuff along with food .. probably not a good idea but I was glad that I'd taken me pain relief earlier .. and when me breathing started playing up I'd just stop and rest.

So it worked out fine.

Radio Warneford cont

I'd won one of Dave's prints in a free raffles down our place last week which was nice. Apart from winning his prints I don't think I've won anything in a raffle since I was a teenager. And I didn't expect to win anything in the Radio Warneford one. I was thrilled and very surprized when he told me. I'd told him the tickets were in his name the day I bought them but really didn't expect to hear anymore about them .. as I said, apart from a couple of Dave's prints, I've not won anything in a raffle since the 1960s!!!!!

It was just so nice to hear that he'll be going out for a meal with someone. He's not very well either and I'd won the print a few days before so it was almost as if I'd won anyway .. Dave's raffle was free.

I was so surprized though.

Surprize!!!!!

I won a prize in the Radio Warneford raffle .. it's the hospital radio .. I'd put the tickets in someone else's name cause I didn't really want any of the prizes .. and he got a phone call a couple of days ago to say that the tickets had won a prize.

How cool is that. He's not very well so it was a really nice surprize. He'll be taking someone out for a meal.

The Express yesterday

It's strange to think that being out in the sun might have triggered my illness. I said to a couple of people I know to be careful of the sun. It's not just skin cancer tht can be triggered by the sun. Though I will probably end up with that because of a combination of my skin being so vulnerable now because of the illness and the medication.

The Express had a story on the front page about some other medication that might trigger cancer yesterday. With my illness it's the fact that my skin is so fragile now so I haven't as much protection from the sun as well as the medication.

My immune system has just gone wrong and is attacking parts of me that it shouldn't. There are lots of auto immune conditions .. rheumatoid arthritis is a much more common one than mine. Mine is quite rare .. when I was in hospital I met someone who had one where there are only two people in the country who have it, he was a visitor rather than a patient. Mine is much more common than that!!! Psorasis is another and lupus and multiple sclerosis and type 1 diabeties .. those are much more common than mine .. I've yet to meet anyone else who has developed it .. though I know of people, one doctor I know's mother developed it, and someone else's gran and there is a group in America that you can join on line.

Both lupus and mine can be sun related so it's best to protect yourself. Lupus is said to be becoming more common in Europe now. It's also a much more common illness than mine which is why there's more interest in it. The sun can make lupus worse if you do develop the illness.

Seeing the article yesterday reminded me again about the sun and my illness. As I said it's not just that it can be caused by the sun but the treatment can mae you more susceptible to skin cancer like the illness itself. The medication makes you susceptible to other forms of cancer too but generally it's skin cancer that develops. It's less toxic than other forms of treatment though.

Climate change .. bah! huh!!!!!

Found etc

Woo Hoo .. found the strip of MST30s I'd misplaced. I was hoping that I hadn't got them caught up with something and thrown them out. It was just a small strip and could have easily got caught up in a paper or something I guess .. they were just with some other medication. Doctors don't like replacing mislaid morphine.

Done todays sorting out .. said I'd do it even if it meant that I couldn't go out.

Now that it's stopped raining it's a nice day out there. Cloudy though and I guess the rain could start at any time.

Anyway the MST30s have been found!!!!!! Had I mentioned that I'd lost them a few times to quite a few people.

Oh .. the sun's gone in again. Never mind, huh. I've done me sorting fer today. Perhaps I should've done it the other way round and made a dash for it while it was dry. But I really wanted to get that done today and mightn't have felt like it when I came back. I'm going to be a bit late .. but I needed to get that done.